Fanfiction ► Mizuno's Journal

[Sonja~Soulheart]

This is my first time posting here and this IS my first more or less orderly idea. Please leave comments and ways how to improve my writting skills. This is just something my head thought and there are kh characters here..... welll here we go

Chapter One: The first day

*alarm clock rings*

“… shut up… darn clock… just a few more minutes.” mumbles Mizuno, trying to sleep and covers her face with a pillow. The alarm clock kept ringing, eventually fell from the desk, and stopped. “Finally… it stopped.” she said. Getting up from bed, she went towards the mirror in her room and took a good look of herself. Her short, black hair was in a mess and her night dress in wrinkles. “Doomsday… oh joy.” She grabs a brush from the table near the mirror and starts grooming. Walking towards the dresser, she takes out a pastel light blue tank top, a pink jacket and her favorite pair of jeans and starts wearing them. A knock sounded from the door and it creaked open revealing Sano, her guardian. He was wearing his usual dark blue, long sleeved shirt and a pair of jeans.

“Miz, we’re gonna be late. Come on we have to go NOW.” he says in a rush grabbing her bag from beside the bed. “Just a moment, Sano. I just have to wear this.” says Mizuno taking a silver pendant, which her friend Sora gave to her, and puts it around her neck. He gets too impatient and grabs her hand, “Its nine-forty already! Let’s go!”

The both of them leave their temporary apartment and went to their new school, Traverse Town High School. They’ve recently just moved from Destiny Islands for school purposes and were supposed to move to the dorm the school provided. Though it was hard to say good-bye to their friends Sora, Kairi and Riku, she had to leave. “My life sucks…” she mumbles under her breath. Sano overhears her and says, “Thing’s will lighten up. Cheer up ok?” She looks at him with depression saying, “I hope it does…”

At first, when Mizuno saw her new school she was upset since some people were looking at her. “Do I look weird?” she thought. She kept close to Sano, who didn’t care much of other people, and held his hand. He was concerned because she wouldn’t act like this. “It’s going to be fine.” he said. Mizuno doesn’t talk and nods her head. They decide to head towards the dorm to avoid any more people. He takes two folded sheets of paper out of his pocket and gives one to her. “What’s this for?” she asks. “It’s the room where you’re staying. You’re on room 209.” She stares at it for awhile and puts it inside her jeans pocket. “What about you? Where are you staying?” she asks. Sano gives her the paper he was holding and she looks at it. “I’m on room 467. It’s a bit far from your room.” She lets out a sigh. “I’m far away from friends and now you too. What else could go wrong?” He pats her shoulder and tries to cheer her up. “Why don’t you check your room? I’ll go to the principal’s office and tell that we’re here ok?” She lets out another sigh. “Fine. It’s better standing here.”

 

[Zceith]

Its pretty good so far but, I noticed a few mistakes. First off, make sure your verbs are in the right tense. For instance, you probably should've changed the mumbles to mumbled in:“… shut up… darn clock… just a few more minutes.” mumbles Mizuno. The only other thing I saw was the asteriks at the very beginning. I'm not sure if those are right or not though, so you might want to ask a more experienced writer about that. Other than that, great start!:thumbup:

 

[Lycanthrope]

*alarm clock rings*

Avoid the *insert action here*. That is the first thing that I noticed wrong.

A few punctuation errors. A few verbal errors.

Other than that, it was fine. I'd say about 6.5/10. If you need any advice whatsoever on a fanfic, do not hesitate whatsoever to PM me. I'll be happy to help.

 

[Sonja~Soulheart]

thanks captain js and Zceith! yeah... I suck at writing so that's why there are mistakes. but thanks a lot! ^_^

 

[Zceith]

If this is your first organized idea, then you are way better than I first thought! Well, the main way to get even better is to continue writing, so keep going! I await your next chapter with great anticipation, but like captain js tells me, go at your own pace.

 

[Sonja~Soulheart]

thanks again ^_^ I had other ideas but I fail to write them down properly. This one's a miracle ^_^

i still lack experience in writing so I'll improve to add more interest....

don't hurt me pls.

Chapter Two: The roommate

While Sano went off to the principal’s office, Mizuno entered the dorm. “Gosh it’s huge inside.” The halls were wide and clean. Flooring was well kept and a large staircase settled perfectly in the area. Along the halls were rooms and doors with their respective numbers. She takes out the paper from her pocket and looks at it again. “Room 209, huh? Well it’s better than nothing, I guess.” She spies a directory just ahead and examines it. “209…209…It’s on the second floor… alright let’s get it over with.” Using the stairs, she went up and starts finding her room. She passes a few rooms and comes across hers. “209. Here we go…” The knob turned and she opens the door. Her eyes widened to see the room. There were a lot of sport and band posters pasted on the walls, two beds which were opposite each other, one large window in the end of the room and two tables. The room was a bit messy though but easy enough to fix and clean up. “I’ve got a roommate… that’s great.” Mizuno comes in and sits on one of the beds. She stares at the ceiling mindlessly. Then she stood up and continued to look around. “From the looks of it, my roommate’s a boy. Sano’s going to freak.” she said to herself. She walks towards the window, unlocks it and lifts it up, causing a swift breeze to pass by and blow her hair. Looking outside she thought, “Maybe it won’t be that bad… I’ll manage.”

“What the? The door’s open?” said a voice.

Mizuno turns her head to see a blonde, spiky-haired boy at the door. He was wearing a drenched white t-shirt, knee-long shorts and was carrying a helmet and a backpack on the left shoulder. “What are you doing here?” he asks. “Well, I’m going to stay here. So we’re roommates I guess.” replies Mizuno. His jaw drops in shock. “You’re my roommate?!” For some reason though, his expression doesn’t alert her at all.

“What’s wrong Roxas?” asks another voice.

“Roxas? Is that his name?” she thought. Another boy came inside the room. He had fiery-red hair and green eyes, and he was wearing a black t-shirt with jeans. “Why’s there a girl here?” he asks looking at her. “Axel, she’s my roommate.” he said to him. “You’re roommate?! A girl?!” blurts Axel. As they kept talking, Mizuno kept silent listening. “I wonder when they’re going to stop.” she said to herself in a low voice. Axel then grins at Roxas, “You’re so lucky! Many guys here would like to have girl roommates. Be thankful.” he teases. His face became red with annoyance. “Shut up Axel!” Axel then walks out the room, “I’ll leave you two alone now. See you later!” he said continuing to tease him. “Arrgh! I’ll get you for this!” he screamed back. Remembering Mizuno he walks towards her. “Sorry about that. Well anyways I’m Roxas. Nice to meet you uhh… what’s your name by the way?” Mizuno extends her hand to him, “I’m Mizuno. Nice to meet you too.” Roxas extends his and shakes her hand. “I haven’t seen you before. Are you new here?” he asked. “Yes. We’ve just moved in.” She looked to the side of the room where the posters were. “That must be your side of the room right?” she said pointing. “Yeah, Classes are going to start soon. If you want, I’ll show you the way.”

“Thanks Roxas. I’ll need all the help I can get.”

 

[Q]

Double-space between dialouge, pl0x.

Example:

She takes out the paper from her pocket and looks at it again.

“Room 209, huh? Well it’s better than nothing, I guess.”

She spies a directory just ahead and examines it.

“209…209…It’s on the second floor… alright let’s get it over with.”

Using the stairs, she went up and starts finding her room. She passes a few rooms and comes across hers.
“209. Here we go…”

The knob turned and she opens the door.

Like that.
Otherwise...I haven't read it. But I'm the Dialouge man, so I just have to point that out.

 

[Sonja~Soulheart]

Thanks for pointing that out too... I suck at writing my gosh. I'm already writing chapter three and hopefully i'll use those corrections.... ack.... thanks anyway.

 

[Sonja~Soulheart]

sorry for the double post. here's the next chapter.... It's a bit long and i coudn't do much of the corrections butr i emptied my ideas on this one =p =3


Chapter Three: Don’t underestimate me

Without a minute to spare, he accompanied her back to the school. Entering the noisy hallways, they walked past people doing their own business.

“Mizuno!”

A boy came out of a door just behind them, holding a folder full of documents. To her surprise, it was Sano.

“Hi Sano!” she said rather cheerfully.

“It’s a relief you’re cheery again, Miz. Have you checked your room already?” he asks. She shows him a thumbs up. “Speaking of rooms, meet my roommate, Roxas.” she said. “Nice to meet you. Are you Mizuno’s friend?” asks Roxas extending his hand to Sano. “Yup!” she said. “I’m her legal guardian. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Roxas.” he said as he shook his hand. Roxas felt a little nervous at what he said and replies “Sure. No problem.” Remembering something, Sano takes out a paper and gives it to Mizuno. She takes it and looks at it.

“What’s this for?” she asks, tilting her head to the side.

“It’s a schedule of your classes. Knowing you, you’d forget the time and place so I wrote it for you.” he said.

“Ah, whatever Sano! Thanks for exposing I’m forgetful!” she says sarcastically.

“You’re welcome.” Sano replies with a grin.

Roxas slightly interrupts them and says, “As much as I like to hear you guys fight, we will be late for class.” Mizuno gets worried and gulps. “No way! There’s no way I can be late for a class!!!” she shrieked. She reexamines the paper Sano gave her and finds out her first class is Biology. “I’m in biology. Where is it?” she asks Roxas in a worried tone. “Relax Mizuno. It’s coincidental but I’m in the same class as you.” he replies. “Oh good. But what about you Sano?” she asks turning her attention to him. “Sorry to say I’m not. But well see each other later at English.” he replies. “That’s good enough. Well, me and Roxas better go now right?” she said going behind Roxas and pushing him forwards. “Uh, see you later, Sano.” he said waving. “Take care of her, Roxas. She’s annoying at times so get used to it.” he joked.

“Yeah I am. See you later, Sano!”

Saying their good-byes, Mizuno and Roxas went to Biology class. Just outside the door, Mizuno started feeling nervous. “I’m getting the jitters. Have any advices, Roxas?” she asked. He starts to laugh at her question. “Where’d all your excitement go? It’ll be fine.” he replied pushing her in front. The classroom looked somewhat unusual to her as they came in. The walls were white with posters of animals and other scientific facts. Tables were properly aligned with a table larger than the others. “Must be the teacher’s table.” she thought. Roxas kept pushing her like some kind of trolley, weird enough she didn’t mind at all. Finding her a seat, he stops and said, “Your stop. Hope you enjoyed the ride.” Sitting on the chair, she replied with a smile “Thanks. I did.” All those inside suddenly turn from their books to Mizuno. She noticed she was watched and decided to stay cool. What was the harm in what they were doing? A girl two rows from the back stands up and walks to her. She had long, blonde hair, kind eyes and a warm smile.

“You must be new. I’m Namine. Who may you be?”

She looks at her and replies, “I’m Mizuno. Glad to meet you.”

“You know Roxas, right?” she asks suddenly. She turns to look at Roxas, who was talking to another guy. “Um, yeah. We’re roommates.” She said. Namine sighs with relief. “That’s good. If he sticks too long with Axel who knows what’ll happen.” Thoughts popped up in Mizuno’s head wondering what Namine meant.

“I’m going back to my seat, ok? After biology, want to go at lunch with me?” she asks.

“Sure! I’d love to!” said Mizuno.

Namine waved as she went back to her seat. Having a moment to think, Mizuno realized her new school wouldn’t be bad at all. She already made new friends and she wouldn’t be completely separated from Sano. And so far, nothing bad has happened. That was until…

“Hey you. What are you doing in my seat?” a voice said.

In front of her was a boy, who had red-orange hair and a scar on his face. He didn’t seem pretty happy at the moment and he had a posse just behind him. “I haven’t seen you around here. You must be the new kid.” Mizuno gulps and tried thinking what to say to him.

“… Yeah. I’m new. I didn’t know this was your seat. I’ll move.” she said, getting up.

“She sat in there first, Seifer. Go to another seat.”

It was Roxas, walking towards Mizuno and standing up for her. Seifer gets even more upset by his interfering. “This isn’t your business Roxas. Get lost.” He gets irritated and shouts, “You’re picking on my friend so it is my business!” The two kept arguing at each other and the whole class kept quiet. Only an idiot would try stopping them. “I don’t want this to continue anymore!” she thought. And without thinking she slapped Seifer on the face, which left a red mark. The whole class gasped at what she’d done, because no one ever dared standing on Seifer’s way or opposing him. Roxas’ jaw dropped with shock and was speechless.

“You’ve got the nerve to do that, new girl.” he snapped as he touched the area she slapped him.

“Picking on people won’t get you anywhere. I will move for Roxas’ sake not yours. The next time you pick a fight, I can and will burry you so deep in the ground that the heat from the Earth’s core will incinerate you.” She said in a scary and convincing tone.

Mizuno walks away from Seifer and heads to one of the empty seats at the back and Roxas follows her right afterwards. She sits near Namine and sighs.

“That was not on my agenda.” Mizuno said to herself.

Namine gets near her and says, “You were great back there. You had so much courage.” Mizuno shook her head. “Not really. That was a reflex action.” Before Roxas got to his seat he tapped her shoulder, “Like what Namine said. It’s great you could stand up to a jerk like him.” he said smiling. Mizuno grins at both of them, “I guess you should never underestimate me.” she said giggling.