Help/Support ► Love question

[SephirothZ]

Hey guys and girls (would definitely love to hear from both genders here), just wondering if anyone is willing to give their perspective on something I have been frustrated with for a couple weeks now. Some of this is going to sound a little foolish or petty, it may not, I dont know:

6 months ago, met a girl, asked her out, she said yes, we hit it off, got into a relationship a month later. Everything was amazing for the first 4 months into the relationship, then I screwed up. We were hanging out at her place and I got frustrated with her dog (long story) to the point I left, but I lied to her and told her I was sick. I eventually came clean a couple days later out of guilt (she never questioned me about it or anything). She became upset for a couple days because I lied to her (which I understand, I know some may be saying it was a "white lie"), but I did apologize to her about the lie and we smoothed things over. Then she got sick and we barely saw each other for about 2 weeks.

Suddenly she texted me that she wanted to break up because of the stress in her life (She absolutely hates her job and they treat her like ****, her parents also live overseas and she misses them a lot) and said that she could not properly take care of a boyfriend right now. She texted because she was on the phone with her mom and she did not think she could handle a conversation in person over this.

I spoke with her friend who pretty much told me the same thing, that it was because she couldnt handle a boyfriend at the time because of the stress. She is looking to have a new job in about 5 months (same department as me actually), we havent spoken to each other in about 10 days and her friend supports her decision because she went through something similar, so I wont get any help there.

My issue is that I want her back and I know the chances of us getting back together in 5 months time is slim to none, especially when we arent really talking because I am giving her some space and because I am not really sure what to say. My question for you all is what do you think I should do?

1) Convince her that I was happy beforehand and have a deep conversation about our relationship (probably not the best wording on the last part)
2) Stay in contact with her somehow (would I fall in the friend zone? I dont want that)
3) Something else
*How would you go about the decision you advise?

I like her a lot and I dont understand the notion that she cannot take care of a boyfriend right now when she was doing great up until I screwed up. I dont need to be taken care of, but I am not sure what I should do next. I am not saying I am innocent in all this and I plan to apologize for the lie more properly and willing to talk to her about how we would change things, if anything, if we got back together (no, I will not beg for her back or become her slave to get her back, I am not desperate, maybe I have fallen for her, I dont know). However, with the reason being mostly "not-me," there is where it gets tricky.

She is emotional right now with everything going on in her life, and rightly so. She told me everything that was going on and I feel terrible for her, but I supported her. What I dont understand is why go through this alone when I can be someone she vents to?

Before anyone says it, no, I know for a fact that there is not another guy in the picture.

 

[Chuman]

be the support she needs in the form of a friend. it may not be what you want but if you truly care for her be a gentleman. if things work themselves out and you're back together soon, cool. but if not, respect her decision and move on.

 

[DarkGrey Heroine]

Leave her space to breathe and if she asked you to wait, then wait. Especially since she's in this stressful period of time, perhaps she wants changes and sometimes this means simply ending a relationship or putting it "on hold", though I must say that this "on hold" is most likely sure to become "never again the same". If you love her, or should I say -really like her and care for her-, love is too big of a thing..., so if you care, then you must put yourself on second place in this for a bit and accept the separation and the possible consequences.
You do not want her the start to hate you, right? If you would still hang onto this desperately and feed her uselessly long (but true, but whatever) speeches, then she's going to dislike your very presence... I'm talking from part of my experience from last autumn/winter. I never thought that, because of such things, I could begin to hate a person I loved. You'll see what I mean, I'm going to say very directly: screw text messages and phone calls. Meeting in person is the only thing that is real. Text messages can be super-long and profound and shit, yet so empty. These and phone calls can invade her personal space and frustrate her like you wouldn't even imagine, if she's really busy with other things like, I dunno, life in general. Sometimes love is such a small piece, and the other pieces of life are just so heavy, challenging and important that you would rather neglect your love life to gain some inner peace. And believe me, inner peace is something incredibly important.
You gotta be open, even if it hurts to accept the eventual result of breaking up for good. Which involves you letting go for good. Wish her happiness, even if that scenario doesn't include you there...
So, again, if you truly care for her, be yourself in the future too, but let her go. Some messages every now and then if you feel that it's ok (she'll give you that feel, just pay attention), not long stuff, not forcing your feels upon her, no matter how true they are. Asking her friends about her randomly without giving off the vibe of a desperate stalker, yeah, that's ok too. But don't become one more heavy thing she has to carry on her already packed shoulders. If it's meant to be, you two will return to each other. If not, then be a man and keep your values for the one right for you. Life will find its balance. Acceptance and diplomacy is key.

 

[SephirothZ]

Thanks for the advice, I'll try to text her every so often without bringing up feelings and emotions. However, do you think I should eventually try to meet her by asking her to meet (not randomly bumping into her, lol) and talk about the breakup? In that conversation, if things go well, I would simply tell her some things I would do differently if we got back together and if there is anything she wanted changed if we got back together and vice versa.

 

[Alpha Baymax]

Thanks for the advice, I'll try to text her every so often without bringing up feelings and emotions. However, do you think I should eventually try to meet her by asking her to meet (not randomly bumping into her, lol) and talk about the breakup? In that conversation, if things go well, I would simply tell her some things I would do differently if we got back together and if there is anything she wanted changed if we got back together and vice versa.

Bro, you should distance yourself from her for a while. I'm not saying this offensively, rather, from everything you've told me, she's in a really transitional phase in her life. It's kind of selfish to ask to be back together again at this point in time. I'm not saying that you should ignore her, instead, speak to her about things that matter to her. By doing that, it shows that you're valuable in her life.

At the very least, she hasn't left you out of her life. Thank her for that. it'll mean a lot to her.

 

[Taylor]

Bro, you should distance yourself from her for a while. I'm not saying this offensively, rather, from everything you've told me, she's in a really transitional phase in her life. It's kind of selfish to ask to be back together again at this point in time. I'm not saying that you should ignore her, instead, speak to her about things that matter to her. By doing that, it shows that you're valuable in her life.

At the very least, she hasn't left you out of her life. Thank her for that. it'll mean a lot to her.

this guy is right

 

[DarkGrey Heroine]

Bro, you should distance yourself from her for a while. I'm not saying this offensively, rather, from everything you've told me, she's in a really transitional phase in her life. It's kind of selfish to ask to be back together again at this point in time. I'm not saying that you should ignore her, instead, speak to her about things that matter to her. By doing that, it shows that you're valuable in her life.

At the very least, she hasn't left you out of her life. Thank her for that. it'll mean a lot to her.

You have my female approval on this reply. Also I would put a golden frame around the phrase I put in bold.
Better not ask her out, it will make things stiff as hell. It's so easy to get on a girl's hate list. Keep insisting and you'll tire her. Tire her and she will avoid even answering your simple "hey, how are you?" texts. Better remain on good terms with her than insist and go downhill.
There's also this thing about humans... It takes years to get to know a person fully, even if you feel that you already know each other perfectly. It's a sweet illusion, there's always room for hiding something. I'm not saying this to imply that she keeps secrets from you or secretly feels one way or another about you, but just to give you a broader perspective. Perhaps this is her way to say "I really don't have time for couple-ish things now" (you don't even realize how much being in a relationship separates you from working/keeps you busy/steals your precious "me" time) or "My feelings simply changed, my mind's a mess, let me think about it all". Either way, you can't be sure about anything that comes from speculation, so only look at the things she directly told you and respect the truth of those.
Lastly, don't talk about the breakup with her, don't start "negociations" about that, don't point out the importance of "you" and "us" (you and her). It will just... leave a bad impression most likely.

 

[Alpha Baymax]

You have my female approval on this reply. Also I would put a golden frame around the phrase I put in bold.
Better not ask her out, it will make things stiff as hell. It's so easy to get on a girl's hate list. Keep insisting and you'll tire her. Tire her and she will avoid even answering your simple "hey, how are you?" texts. Better remain on good terms with her than insist and go downhill.
There's also this thing about humans... It takes years to get to know a person fully, even if you feel that you already know each other perfectly. It's a sweet illusion, there's always room for hiding something. I'm not saying this to imply that she keeps secrets from you or secretly feels one way or another about you, but just to give you a broader perspective. Perhaps this is her way to say "I really don't have time for couple-ish things now" (you don't even realize how much being in a relationship separates you from working/keeps you busy/steals your precious "me" time) or "My feelings simply changed, my mind's a mess, let me think about it all". Either way, you can't be sure about anything that comes from speculation, so only look at the things she directly told you and respect the truth of those.
Lastly, don't talk about the breakup with her, don't start "negociations" about that, don't point out the importance of "you" and "us" (you and her). It will just... leave a bad impression most likely.

Well, I'm glad to know my advice is getting the KH Insider seal of approval

 

[DarkGrey Heroine]

Well, I'm glad to know my advice is getting the KH Insider seal of approval

Spoiler Show

This aside, it's still true and valid, at least imo

 

[SephirothZ]

Tried to stay in touch, nothing emotional, and she kind of blew up on me. I think this is the best closure I will be able to get. Oh well.

Back on the prowl, so hard to meet good women these days!

 

[DarkGrey Heroine]

Well, at least her reaction didn't catch you off-guard since you read our replies, I hope

*sigh* don't say it like that, think about this: perhaps she is perfect for someone else. There's no "good women"/"good men" or "bad women"/"bad men" in the end, there are just people who are right for some and wrong for others, you know that. Dontcha worry, you'll find just the right person who will complete you one day <3 it will come so naturally that you won't even believe it's real... At least that's how I imagine meeting the love of your life would feel like. Until then, we simply have to not chase the past and be ourselves.
Someone.. has to love us for who we truly are, right?..

 

[Alpha Baymax]

Tried to stay in touch, nothing emotional, and she kind of blew up on me. I think this is the best closure I will be able to get. Oh well.

Back on the prowl, so hard to meet good women these days!

You want a good chance at finding the ideal woman? change your mindset. This self-victimisation isn't going to get you very far. Have an open mind and understand that a relationship expands beyond a "I love you and you love me!".

 

[DarkGrey Heroine]

You want a good chance at finding the ideal woman? change your mindset. This self-victimisation isn't going to get you very far. Have an open mind and understand that a relationship expands beyond a "I love you and you love me!".

 

[Taochan]

I think it probably had to do with how you reacted to her dog, honestly.

 

[Pandymint]

If I had been in your situation, I think I would've just told her that the dog was really getting on my nerves. I know you said it was a long story and I respect your decision if you choose not to answer, but what exactly did the dog do to make you react like that?


I can understand why you wouldn't want to at first, but I'm just a blunt person by nature.


Sorry about what happened, but it is what it is I guess. Time to just move on.

 

[SephirothZ]

^ I am not a confrontational person and I believed it was ill advised to talk about her precious dog without thinking about what to say first. I dont rush into things on a whim.

You want a good chance at finding the ideal woman? change your mindset. This self-victimisation isn't going to get you very far. Have an open mind and understand that a relationship expands beyond a "I love you and you love me!".

Expecting some type of closure and saying it is difficult to find quality single women is not something I would classify as self-victimization. I am not mopping around feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted other's opinions on the matter.

 

[VoidGear.]

As long as you are willying to accept that no one on this earth is perfect and every woman you'll ever meet will have her own flaws as well, there are many, many good women (and men, of course) out there. It's like someone already mentioned. All you gotta do is change your mindset about what "good" actually means.

On topic of your current...well...relationship.
I'd say try to talk it over. Just ASK her if she wants to be with you again with the new job and less stress. That's the only way you'll ever know if it even has a chance to work out.

 

[SephirothZ]

She does not want to talk to me at all right now. I asked her that same question "during" the breakup conversation, she said she does not know at this moment. It's cool though, I think I just wanted some closure because the text conversation was not the best. A part of me thinks she did it because she would not have gone through with it if I was standing in front of her; that is the optimist in me though.

 

[Launchpad]

Not speaking for an extended period of time isn't necessarily a bad thing... Time to think is always good. With some of the lady troubles I've had in the past, I'd have killed for 10 days to chillax. Rational discussion is easier that way. Especially in person!

 

[SephirothZ]

Well, she may be sleeping with another cop already, an odd one too in my honest opinion. She may not be the type of girl I thought she was it seems. I am talking to someone else, so hopefully that helps me get over her.