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Forge_Dragonis

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I just recently discovered the Creative Corner section of the forum and all its glory. I've been working on a story for some time now, just jotting things down every time I come up with an idea. I'm hoping of making more into a game script or something of that kind. N E WAYS... I'd like some critiquing words to help improve my writing skills.

Bare with me, since this is my first piece. (Words of warning, I originally wrote this all in wordpad so forgive any typos.)

It's quite long and there's more coming so don't spare me any royalties.
 
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Forge_Dragonis

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Chapter 1
Prologue

________________________________________
Sub-Chapter I
The Nameless Knight


"Hey! Wake up!"
"Huh?"
"C'mon! The battle is starting!"
"What!?!?"
"Get out here!" Rustling comes from inside of a small tent located on the edge of town. There stood young man about age 20 with mid-length, brown, straggly hair and a small scar, which resembled a snake, on his left cheek, he wore light blue and white striped pajamas; he stood in front of a mirror staring at his ill-dressed self and grunted at the sight.
"I can't go out like this!" He ran into a closet and several seconds later, he comes out fully dressed for battle. Wearing a pair of small, black, goggles lined in his hair, a dark, leather jacket with a worn-out, white shirt underneath. On his legs he wore a pair of slightly worn chaps and small leather belt with a shiny, silver buckle with the picture of a dragon engraved upon it. He wore nothing on his arms except a small, blue band around his upper left side. On his feet were large leather boots that were recently re-stitched together due to over-use. He carried an abnormally large claymore which was strapped to his back. The sword showed that it was very old and used often because of several chips down both sides of the blade. As he sprinted outside of the tent, he placed a small pendant which holds a mysterious, red gem around his neck. Seeing a small group of knights talking, he ran to their position.
"Where's the battle?!"
"What?" replied a knight, looking confused.
"The battle!"
"What are you talking about?" replied the second.
"Haven't you heard? There's a battle taking place right now!"
"Are you sane?" replied the third.
"Ugh! Forget this! I'll just report to the castle!" He ran off towards a large, lusciously decorated castle. Along the way his foot catches a lone root and he stumbled towards a fruit stand. He toppled over and smashes into a table covered with melons. "Sorry about that!" he yelled without even looking back. Reaching the large, iron doors of the castle gasping for air and cleaning him self off, he sprinted through the doors without any hesitation. Upon entering, he was immediately greeted by the highest ranking general.
"Gastolf!? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be fighting?" yelled the man.
"Greetings, mercenary. We have been awaiting you." sternly replied Gastolf.
"What the hell is going on?" he screamed.
"Follow me to the throne room and it shall be explained." Gastolf answered as he started to walk away. Sighing with grief, the man followed him hesitantly. They soon arrived in the throne room where the king was standing, with a surprised look on his face.
"Incredible! I'm impressed Sirius! You arrived here almost immediately!" replied the king.
"You’re Majesty! What's going on?"
"Calm down and I will explain. This was merely a test."
"A test?" Sirius replied awe struck.
"Yes. It was a test to see if you were ready to accept this next mission and you passed with excellent results."
"Wait... Let me get this straight. You woke me up before dawn to warn me of a fierce battle where thousands of people could have died, make me look like a mad man in front of some castle knights, and nearly break my neck trying to get to the castle, all for some stupid test?"
"Indeed."
Sirius sighed deeply, "Okay what do I have to do?"
"Have you ever heard of the realm gems?" asked Gastolf.
"What!? You don't mean--"
"Yes! Your next mission is to climb the sacred Mount Realm and capture Gadget Golding." interrupted the King.
"Gadget? Isn't he that renowned thief?"
"Yes, he is wanted by the law." stated the king as he sat upon his throne.
"What does he have to do with the realm gems?" questioned Sirius.
"He intends to steal them! What else does a thief do?" said the king with a sound of annoyance in his voice.
"Well, you have a point, but..."
"Do you accept?"
"Hell no! I'm not climbing up there, haven't you heard the rumors?!" The king chuckled loudly at his response. "Huh?"
"I knew you would turn this down. That is why I am willing to offer you 500,000 glen for this assignment."
"500,000 glen!? You know how to bribe someone..." Gastolf seemed angered by this comment but remained silent.
"So, do you accept?"
"Hell yeah, for that price!"
"Hmmm... Well then...” The king stopped to think. “I guess you will be on your way?"
"What? No tips? No allies? No new equipment?"
"Nope!"
"How am I supposed to do this myself?" upsettingly asked Sirius.
"Easy. Climb. Search. Capture. And return."
"Yeah, you make it sound easy. I think it will be much easier said than done..."
"Yes, but I am offering you 500,000 glen." Sirius sighed loudly again.
"Don't remind me. I just hope none of the rumors are true."
"Enough talk! Be on your way and do not return until that foul man is captured." With the snap of the king's fingers, Sirius is then grabbed and thrown out of the castle by two guards.
"Not very nice are they?" he said as he brushed himself off and started to travel towards Mount Realm's base, which lied no farther than a few miles away from the kingdom. Without looking back or saying another word, he began his journey.
 

Derogon

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Yeah other then what Dark said it looks good. Just needs more description. And more he said she said, it said things in there. Or he replied and what not. Those things usually helps the story be a bit more organized. If you develop the story out, I think it would be good.
 

darkisaac

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Agreed with the above posts.

Your dialogue is the bulk of your writing, and for that we might as well be reading a script.

Talking is good, but action and description, with a good use of verbs, adverbs, adjectives, and a decent vocabulary, is what really shapes up a story; it lets us more clearly picture what you want us to see, it gives shape and form to what is otherwise just words.

Imagery is one of your most potent tools when it comes to writing, use it.
 

Forge_Dragonis

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Alright, thanks for the tips. I'm trying to post the areas I think need the most work. Now for part 2.

Sub-Chapter III
The Vengeful Soul

"Time and time again, I see your eyes in my dreams, but this time... I will become your nightmare!"
A shadow of a figure sprinted through the seemingly endless forest. Shrouded by the darkness of the canopy, the soul searched for the one thing that will release him from his vengeful shell.
"I'm close! I can feel it!" thought the entity. Suddenly, a demon of the undead spouted from the ground and howled with a menacing tone.
"Out of my way! I don't have time for the likes of you!" yelled the figure. With one quick motion, the demon is split in two and then vaporized into thin air. Not taking time to look back, the entity kept running through the forest with exhilarating speed. Then, the figure stopped at a hill, overlooking the vast valley at the base of the sacred mountain. The figure appeared to be a man; however, he also shared the traits of a dragon. His entire body except his lower face is entirely covered up by full plate armor which resembled a black dragon. Wielding nothing but a small, metal lance, he absorbed his surroundings.
"Finally, I'm there! Now all I have to do is go up..." said the man. Peering at the breathtaking view of the sunrise over the peak's side, he trembled where he stood as if gravity around him suddenly became twice as strong.
"I can do this, I know I can do this, I have to do this!" shouted the man, as the enormous peak towered over him. Taking one final deep breath he proceeded to the base of the mighty mountain. Glancing at the few ledges that jutted from the side of the earthly wall, he leapt for the nearest one and grabs a hold. He struggled to pull himself to the next ledge and proceeded to the next and then the next. Suddenly, the ground started shaking and the man falls back to the bottom.
"What? How is there an earthquake?" He attempted to climb again, glancing around and cautiously watching his footing with every step. Several hours later, exhausted and beaten, he reached a small cave. Above it is a towering statue of what appeared to be an ancient god.
"Huh?" he panted, "Could I be...there?"
Those words echoed throughout the cave, as if thousands of others had said them at once, and then the ground started to shake again, just like before. However, unlike before something caught his eye.
"Am I seeing this right? Did that thing just...move?" The statue guarding the cave sprang to life as though it had just been frightened. Leaving its frozen position, a large, stone foot blocked the path of the man.
"What is this? A guardian of the shrine? Damn... This is the last thing I need." The guardian then took one mighty swing sending him flying into the cave. Reclaiming his footing he drew his trusty lance and made a powerful slice to the golem's leg. The blow bounced off as though it had been against rubber. The golem reacted to this with a swift kick, sending him flying into a wall.
"Damn... I can't hurt it! How am I supposed to kill this thing!?" he yelled angrily. As the golem approached the broken warrior, it readied itself for another powerful blow. The warrior narrowly avoided the blow; however, he was still stricken by the impact. Bleeding and gasping for air, the warriors eyed the area, scanning for a method of safety, however, while pursuing he was caught off guard and is crushed by the enormous fist of the golem. As the golem continued crushing his body, he struggled and squirmed but he could not escape.
"I'm done for... I... can't... take anymore..." weakly spoke the warrior. "I'm... sorry mother... father..." just as he spoke these last words, he felt his life slipping away, thinking of all that he has done and all he has lost. Thinking of how hard he trained, how hard he struggled to survive, but one image sparked something within him. The picture of his family, his village, his friends. Then came the figure of the one he had been seeking, the black dragon. Darker than night itself he saw those deep red eyes, those blood-ridden claws, the seemingly endless darkness that followed it. The sight of this image struck fear, hatred, and anger into his heart. The thought of letting that creature survive drove him to his limits, drove him beyond his maximum potential. He gained a new found strength using these emotions, and as if he had been fully rejuvenated, his body sprang full of energy and life.
Using this new found power he held up the golem's crushing fist and redirected its might into a nearby wall. Enraged, the golem then charged forth towards him as though it were a runaway freight train. Thinking quickly, he slipped out of its path and the behemoth hurled itself of the edge of the mountain and into the forest below, its body shattered as it hit the thick ground and trees.
"Serves you right!" yelled the warrior, and as those words echoed into the distance, he turned around. There, inside that cave, stood the one thing he had been searching for.
 

Zero Sora

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In my opinion, not long enough per chapter. Then again, I'm just basing that off the fact that my chapters are at least four times as long as yours. But yours don't have to be that long. But a little longer than 800 words would be good. Maybe 1,200 - 1,500?
 
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