Help/Support ► Loneliness

[Virus]

Alright, let me start by saying I actually feel pathetic that I've let this come to this - asking random people over the internet for help - but I seriously have no where else to turn. Please excuse how childish and, well, pathetic this all sounds. I just need advice.

I'm simply not happy. Not depressed, but just not happy. These past two years I've been overflowing with emotions from full on depression to absolute wrath and rage.

Now I'm simply in the middle. I used to be content with life, but now I'm not. My main problem is that I just don't feel loved.

Not love as in a girlfriend, love as in friendships. This past year I've realized that making a name for yourself and popularity are not the same as having friends. I still don't even know who my real friends are.

It's not that something specifically happened, it's what doesn't happen. I don't have a "best friend," someone who I can talk to about anything. I'm no one's best friend, or their first choice. If I want to go out with my friends, I have to make the effort. No one texts me, no one calls me to chill. I sound like a dramatic fucking baby right now, and I wish I were being dramatic.

But I'm dead ass. If I sit at home waiting for a friend to call, I'm never receiving a phone call. The reality is: I honestly, wholeheartedly believe that I have zero true friends.

Point is, I just feel lonely. Unwanted. Unneeded. Not in a suicidal way, but still. It's not like this is just starting either; I've felt this way for months now, almost a year. My social life is shit, and I'm trying my best to stay positive and put in the effort, but I don't see a point.

I can't even sleep at night. It's two fucking thirty and I can't sleep because I'm to preoccupied about whether or not any of my "friends" are going to call me tomorrow to celebrate 20 fucking 12.

And that's it. Help in anyway you can. Advice, coping mechanisms, a pep talk, anything. I just hate feeling like this.

 

[Zen]

Story of my life, bro.

You're not the only one feeling like this. Just keep moving forward with the hopeful notion that things will work out and you'll eventually find people you feel you can call true friends. I know I do. Maybe life sometimes gives us some lonely time to put things in perspective. I know I haven't been very social since my fall semester started and now it's ended. But despite how things are, I remain optimistic because that is the only thing I can do.

In the end, it doesn't bother me though. If people don't want to really be a "true" friend to you, then don't fret over about it. There's no reason for you to meet people's arbitrary expectations. Either people like you for who you are or they don't. I know not everyone is going to like me, heck, I'm sort of surprised when people do.

All I can say at this point is to try. Try making staying in contact with the people you know now (but nothing that screams clingy), try staying positive, and try making new friends if you don't see things working out with your current ones. As a word of advice, pursuing a friendship with people who don't appreciate you is unhealthy -- especially with the way you're feeling now. Not saying to basically tell them go bonk themselves, but merely be there. Be there until things change for the better.

 

[x37rnu4]

The good news is that you've admitted you're in the middle after being stuck in the "bad zone," which means your life and attitude can only go up from there or remain unchanged. That depends on you. Sometimes the brighter feelings come back randomly, so make sure you hold on to that. There's always opportunities to meet other people so don't get so lonely that you'll withdraw in yourself. Take that extra mile and get to know someone else, especially if you feel you can be yourself around them.

EDIT: Oh, you've got to be kidding me. It didn't even post my whole spiel D: I'll make sure to post it >_<;

 

[Professor Ven]

Do stuff you enjoy - don't tiddly-squat around. If current acquaintances do not concur with what you want to do, either make compromises, or just flat out bonk'em. (Sorry if I sound harsh or anything :X)

I can guarantee that most of your sad-mope is developed and manufactured by Y.O.U. How?:



I've been in the same dump as you (or near-far enough, from your description). There was once a week where I flat out cried at work washing dishes in the back - which ironically is one of my favorite places in my hometown.

When I sat in that icky bubble of depressive thought, I did contemplate suicide. I was nearly sent to a therapy center. :S


I learned [eventually] that I created the stress/sadness/dwelling on thoughts. I adapted (or whatever the politically correct term is), and slowly drifted from the person(s)/places/things that didn't appeal towards my enjoyment of my day.


TL;DR: Stress leads to Fear. Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to Suffering. Do, or do not, there is no try.



*goes back to playing SWTOR*

 

[Zook]

As everyone else has said, do not think for a minute that you are alone feeling like this. I can honestly say that I have also experienced this and only recently have began to tackle it head on. I can't go into too much depth right now as I am on my phone but if you would like to seriously address and tackle this I would be happy to help.

 

[king_mickey rule]

I understand you completely. I have been in a situation like yours before and for me, it took an accident where I could've died to wake me up.

It's strange to say that I really needed that smack in my face (literally) to wake me up back then. From that day on I swore to change my habits. I had a very shitty social life to say the least, I had very few real friends. But because of that wake-up call I changed my life and thought like this:

You wanna be my friend, good. You don't put time in me the way I use my time for you? You ain't worth my time.

Basically what I'm saying is that you ain't alone, there are a lot of people who are qualified to be friends with you. You just have to find them. If people around you don't put time in you, you have to do all the effort, then just ignore them and don't waste your time anymore on them.

Use your time to search for people who are worth your time

 

[KaiSparda1018]

I'm actually in a similar situation right now. I've been getting into that whole "everyone hates me, I have no friends *sob sob*" state of mind. But to (vaguely) quote my hero, Jean-Claude Van Damme, "people are going to love you and people are going to hate you. If they love you, great. If they hate you - well, you can't please everyone." I'm (pretty) sure that most people go through a stage in life in which they realize that they aren't sure who their real friends are or if they even have friends at all. The thing is, it's up to you whether or not you worry about it too much and let yourself get mopey and depressed about it. And if you have shitty friends, try to go out and make new ones or you could even have fun by yourself.

 

[Wehrmacht]

I can empathize with you a lot, to be honest. As terribly mopey and CRAAAAAWLIIIIING IN MYYYYY SKIIIIIIN as this will sound I don't think I've had many good friends as far as the people IRL are concerned. Certainly very few people I was comfortable sharing my feelings with. It got to a really bad point a few months ago after certain things happened where I just didn't know why I was alive anymore, took some of my long-distance friends to get me out of that state of mind.

My philosophy now is that it doesn't really matter. It's generally accepted that having at least a few close friends is good for your psychological health, but honestly, the only person you really need is yourself, other people are just the icing on that. This doesn't mean you should stop trying and go be a hermit, but if you keep dwelling on these thoughts and think you need these things to validate your existence, you'll get more and more unhappy, and you'll probably be even farther from ever having them.

Live your life and do the things that make you happy. Everything else will fall into place.

 

[Muse]

You're definitely not alone. Add me to the list of people who feel like this. insert baw

It sucks not really knowing who counts as a friend, but, well. I'm going to try and change that this year. And you should too.

Remember, all relationships, even friendships, are a two-way street. If you're putting in the effort, and getting no response, then that's that. I'm not going to say go and alienate all your relations because holy balls does that suck, but I'll go and say that you could try and make some new relationships.

Talk to new people, make some more friends. And it doesn't need to be strictly irl, but online too. I know my closest friend's someone I haven't met face to face before, but I still consider them important. Looking at how near-everyone in this thread shares this feeling of loneliness, maybe that's somewhere to start. Chat some of these guys up. There's some new relations there.

If not, then talk to someone who frequents some of the same threads or whatever. Like pokemon? Go talk to some of the broskis in there. League of Legends more your style? Go nerd it up with them. Don't necessarily like games, but prefer to get your reads on? Go hang with some creative writing/roleplay peeps.

I'm not really sure how helpful this is, but I think that if the problem is with the relationships, then you should get new relationships. At the very least, you owe it to yourself to have a friendship that's equally fulfilling. c:

 

[Zero]

Im part of the group, summer of 2010 I moved to a new place which was way better than where I used to live. I knew people and had relatives here so it seemed perfect and people at school were real cool and nice. I was, and still kinda am, shy so it was hard to just talk to people but I still tried to join in but it didn't work. I was the one trying to talk to people so I could be cool with them but it would just be a short convo and I never got asked to hang out with any of them. It was pretty lonely that first year and I couldn't really hang out with my old friends since I didn't have money or a ride to get to them. It seemed hopeless, like did I screw myself up by being shy and quiet that no one even wanted to know me?

It was hard and I blame my old school for making me be shy and quiet at my new school since I was brought down so much but I did have a couple of great friends. Eventually near the end of the year things worked out a bit, I got closer into some people and I got a job where I met a lot if nice people that I became friends with and my life here got better from there on. This school year I actually became cool with a bunch of people so getting by everyday is easy. I thought things were gonna be great, like I would have plenty of friends who would wanna hang out and my high school life would end great. But it didnt, those people I'm still just cool with, I'm the one hitting them up, and I don't hang out with them.

Even on my b-day a couple of weeks ago I thought I was going to get plenty of happy bdays on my wall since I thought so many people were cool with me. But I barely got any, only the people who truly are my friends said it. It seems like a dumb thing but its all I really wanted, to know I had friends after so much loneliness these past couple of years. It made me think again about how I don't really have that many people to count on. But after some talking with my old friend I'm a little over it.

Just look at everyone who has gone through the same thing as you, its not easy but if you focus on your life it gets better. Like they said earlier, hit people up who have common interests in real life or on here if you need people to talk to. Hope that helps man.

 

[scubasteve]

it's much better to be a self-confident loner than that guy or girl who latches onto friends or jumps from boyfriend to boyfriend or whatever just so they can have a companion and don't want to be alone and end up dwelling on their depressing, vapid personality as well as their other flaws. because those dudes are far more pitiful. focus on being happy with yourself before you focus on being happy with your social life. because chances are, the happier you are, the more legit your social life is, anyway. so focus on things you like to do. don't let other people dictate your happiness.

i've been in your boat before, bud. and it stinks. but the only person getting in the way is yourself. and it's a really nice feeling to reach a point in your life where you're equally happy to stay home and write or play zelda or watch re-runs of breaking bad as you are to be spending time with your friends.

 

[king_mickey rule]

@scubasteve; That's true, but you have to find a middleroad there, I mean, you have to have a social life too so being a loner won't solve a thing imo. Espcecially since he basically doesn't want to be alone, it's probably a part of his personality (not liking to be alone).

But I do agree so much on the part where you say 'be self-confident'. I've learned to be like that throughout the years and I am kinda proud of myself that I've turned into a very self-confident guy.

F.e. I have this friend, he has been my best friend for 13 years, but the guy pissed me off yesterday (he's basically in the mindset now of finding a girlfriend and doing everything to achieve that goal).

I said to him 'do this one more time and you can bonk off, don't want any trouble with you but blabla'. He apologized and swore he won't do it again. Now, we'll see whether or not it happens again, but the thing is, even though he has been my best friend for this long, I won't hesitate to break contact with him if I get the feeling he ain't worth my time.

And that I think is the thing, Virus, you need to learn. When you get the feeling you need to do everything to get someone's attention or they don't give the amount of friendship back that you give to them, just 'lower the amount of friendship' or even end the friendship and search for people who are worth your investment of time.

Be that arrogant to be able to say to friends 'bonk off' when you feel they're just playing with ya so to speak.

Doesn't mean you have to turn into an arrogant guy, not at all, but in situations like that, you have to be able to look at the situation and change it yourself (by f.e. ending the friendship) instead of trying to fix what's unfixable.

 

[Virus]

First let me take the time to say thank you to all of you. It was really comforting to know I'm not the only one who ever felt like this.

Additionally, I want to thank you for you for the advice and support.

I mean I guess I was probably a little bit in the heat of the moment, a little bit tired, a little bit upset, and a little bit dramatic. But regardless, I put in a greater effort and this past week has been eye opening. I'm seeing my true friends from my "friends," I'm seeing I actually do have more people who care about me than I previously figured. Hopefully it stays this way, but I'm much happier now than 7 days ago when I started this thread.

Obviously I'll have more spurts of loneliness, but for now I'll enjoy my happiness.

 

[Professor Ven]

First let me take the time to say thank you to all of you. It was really comforting to know I'm not the only one who ever felt like this.

Additionally, I want to thank you for you for the advice and support.

I mean I guess I was probably a little bit in the heat of the moment, a little bit tired, a little bit upset, and a little bit dramatic. But regardless, I put in a greater effort and this past week has been eye opening. I'm seeing my true friends from my "friends," I'm seeing I actually do have more people who care about me than I previously figured. Hopefully it stays this way, but I'm much happier now than 7 days ago when I started this thread.

Obviously I'll have more spurts of loneliness, but for now I'll enjoy my happiness.

Now take that happiness and eat it.


And save some for later.