Hi there. This specific story is something quite different than other stuff I've written and right now it's in its most basic stage. I am posting it here mainly to get a feel for how people deal with the basic premise. I also have a question I would like answered regarding the POV that I will put at the end. Thank you for reading and please respond with what you think of this so far. I just started writing it today and I need feedback fast so I can finish in time to submit it as part of my portfolio.
THIS IS THE FIRST VERSION. VERSION TWO IS BELOW
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On Locust Street, there is a small one-story house with a black roof and brown siding that reminds me of something that ought to be expelled from an animal’s rear end. This house is where I am to live from now on, in a small town called Maple Park. Good luck finding it on a map. It won’t be there. The movers parked their giant truck out on the front lawn because the level of basic intelligence suggesting one to park on the street escapes them, and they are now unloading our furniture. A girl dressed in pink and wearing her hair in pigtails, my sister, was riding on the couch they just brought in. She was singing some song she made up about bunnies and it made me want to vomit so I retreated to the large tree in our new backyard. I sit there now upon one of its branches writing what may be the last entry in this journal as I plan to fling myself from this tree in a matter of minutes. Moving to this crap-town destroyed any grim chance I had at a future of happiness and I would rather die at my own hands than at those of this town. My only regret is that I chose this tree to jump from. It’s a Maple tree, ugh.
The sliding glass door to our house just opened and shut, and I could hear faint, awkwardly melodic words about bunnies at a tea party. I looked down over the edge and saw my sister skipping around the patio. I decided. If I’m going to jump I better do it now. If anyone ever reads this journal, let my parents know that they suck for moving us here, but I only hate them slightly more than I did yesterday.
Oh my gosh, today was so splendiferous! My family moved in to a new house and it was SO much fun. I got to ride in a car for a very long time, and I flew on a couch, and I helped unpack things. I can tell. Maple Park is going to be the best place I ever lived. It’s so nice. There are lots and lots of trees which are great for climbing and playing with the squirrels and...Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! My sister is so funny. I saw her climb that tree earlier wearing her favorite black, hooded sweatshirt and cargo pants. She must’ve been scoping out the squirrels’ habitat. She fell out of the tree though which did not seem fun. She’s such a happy person, and I hate to see her, or anybody, get hurt. She always gives me compliments too. We are like best friends. We’re also twins, isn’t that awesome? Oh-I gotta go now.
“Natalie!” a woman shouted worriedly out from the patio of the brown house on Locust Street.
“What mom?” answered a girl with black hair wearing pigtails and a pink, flowery dress who was sitting at a table next to the woman.
“Not you Natalie, I was talking to your sister. She just fell out of that tree. Would you mind helping her dear?”
“Okay mom,” the girl, Natalie, said with a smile as she looked up from her journal. Humming, Natalie pushed her chair back and skipped over to where her sister was lying on the ground wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and cargo pants.
“Are you okay Natalie?” asked the peppy twin as she helped her sister up.
“No, I’m never okay,” Natalie responded bluntly. She then dusted off her sweatshirt, and turning away from her sister, began walking to the back door of the house.
“Do you need any help honey?” asked their mother.
“Mom, if you were so worried why did you send Natalie to help instead of coming yourself?” Natalie asked, blowing her droopy, black hair out of her face.
“Well you know I-” started their mother.
“Don’t even answer,” Natalie said holding up a hand, “I’ll be in my room for the next few hours. Only bother me if someone is dead. I don’t want to miss the party.”
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First off yes I know they have the same name that's the point. Now the question...I know for a fact I want to do at least parts of this in first person from both of the Natalies' viewpoints. There are other things that I think would work best told in third person, but I also think that here it doesn't work. Do you think I should stick with the journals as they are? Currently I am having trouble with them though because with how I have it set up, it's difficult to make the characters have proper conversations. Thanks again for taking the time to read this.
I rewrote this a bit, mainly converting it all to the journal perspective.
VERSION TWO IS AS FOLLOWS
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On Locust Street, there is a small one-story house with a black roof and brown siding that reminds me of something that ought to be expelled from an animal’s rear end. This house is where I am to live from now on, in a small town called MaplePark. Good luck finding it on a map. It won’t be there. The movers parked their giant truck out on the front lawn because the level of basic intelligence suggesting one to park on the street escapes them, and they are now unloading our furniture. A girl dressed in pink and wearing her hair in pigtails, my sister, was riding on the couch they just brought in. She was singing some song she made up about bunnies and it made me want to vomit so I retreated to the large tree in our new backyard. I sit there now upon one of its branches writing what may be the last entry in this journal as I plan to fling myself from this tree in a matter of minutes. Moving to this town destroyed any grim chance I had at a future of happiness and I would rather die at my own hands than at those of this town. My only regret is that I chose this tree to jump from. It’s a Maple tree, ugh.
The sliding glass door to our house just opened and shut, and I could hear faint, awkwardly melodic words about bunnies at a tea party. I looked down over the edge and saw my sister skipping around the patio. I decided. If I’m going to jump, I better do it now. If anyone ever reads this journal, let my parents know that they suck for moving us here, but I only hate them slightly more than I did yesterday.
Oh my gosh, today was so splendiferous! My family moved in to a new house and it was SO much fun. I got to ride in a car for a very long time, and I flew on a couch, and I helped unpack things. I can tell. Maple Park is going to be the best place I ever lived. It’s so nice. There are lots and lots of trees which are great for climbing and playing with the squirrels. My sister was climbing in a tree earlier. I could tell it was her and not a fabled giant squirrel by the black hoodie she always wears. Her name is Natalie, and mine is too. It’s fun sharing so many things with your sister. We’re also twins and like best friends! One of the things we have in common is that we both have to write these journals in order to practice our skills. I don’t exactly know why my sister needs to practice, but I want to write fairytales when I grow up!
Okay, so back to my sister in a tree, she’s so funny sometimes. Natalie must’ve been scoping out the squirrels’ habitat when something went wrong. I saw her slip over the side of a branch and scream as she fell which did not seem fun. She’s such a happy person, and I hate to see her, or anybody, get hurt.
“Natalie!” my mom shouted worriedly from our patio.
“What Mom?” I answered thinking she was talking to me. I had been skipping around the backyard at the time.
“Not you Natalie, I was talking to your sister,” she said, “She just fell out of that tree. Would you go help her dear?”
“Okay Mom,” I said in my happy voice. I ran over to Natalie, humming the whole way, and offered to help her up when I got there. She was lying face down in the dirt, and hadn’t moved since she fell.
“Am I dead yet?” I heard her mumble.
“No silly. You just fell,” I explained, “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m never okay,” my sister responded. Then she stood on her own and brushed off her hoodie.
“Okay well try to be more careful. I know trees are difficult to stay in sometimes,” I told her, but she walked away before I could finish. She must have already realized what I was telling her.
“Do you need any help honey?” I heard Mom ask Natalie.
“Mom, if you were so worried, why did you send Natalie to help instead of coming yourself?” my sister asked.
“Well you know I-” Mom started to say, but I saw Natalie holding up her hand like the crossing guards do.
“Don’t even answer,” Natalie said, “I’ll be in my room for the next few hours. Don’t bother me. Please.”
Then she went inside. My mom looked at me all confused like. I just smiled and resumed skipping while my mom went back inside to help the movers. After about ten more minutes I went to my room and wrote this. Oh, it’s dinner time already!
THIS IS THE FIRST VERSION. VERSION TWO IS BELOW
------------------------------------------------
On Locust Street, there is a small one-story house with a black roof and brown siding that reminds me of something that ought to be expelled from an animal’s rear end. This house is where I am to live from now on, in a small town called Maple Park. Good luck finding it on a map. It won’t be there. The movers parked their giant truck out on the front lawn because the level of basic intelligence suggesting one to park on the street escapes them, and they are now unloading our furniture. A girl dressed in pink and wearing her hair in pigtails, my sister, was riding on the couch they just brought in. She was singing some song she made up about bunnies and it made me want to vomit so I retreated to the large tree in our new backyard. I sit there now upon one of its branches writing what may be the last entry in this journal as I plan to fling myself from this tree in a matter of minutes. Moving to this crap-town destroyed any grim chance I had at a future of happiness and I would rather die at my own hands than at those of this town. My only regret is that I chose this tree to jump from. It’s a Maple tree, ugh.
The sliding glass door to our house just opened and shut, and I could hear faint, awkwardly melodic words about bunnies at a tea party. I looked down over the edge and saw my sister skipping around the patio. I decided. If I’m going to jump I better do it now. If anyone ever reads this journal, let my parents know that they suck for moving us here, but I only hate them slightly more than I did yesterday.
***
Oh my gosh, today was so splendiferous! My family moved in to a new house and it was SO much fun. I got to ride in a car for a very long time, and I flew on a couch, and I helped unpack things. I can tell. Maple Park is going to be the best place I ever lived. It’s so nice. There are lots and lots of trees which are great for climbing and playing with the squirrels and...Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! My sister is so funny. I saw her climb that tree earlier wearing her favorite black, hooded sweatshirt and cargo pants. She must’ve been scoping out the squirrels’ habitat. She fell out of the tree though which did not seem fun. She’s such a happy person, and I hate to see her, or anybody, get hurt. She always gives me compliments too. We are like best friends. We’re also twins, isn’t that awesome? Oh-I gotta go now.
***
“Natalie!” a woman shouted worriedly out from the patio of the brown house on Locust Street.
“What mom?” answered a girl with black hair wearing pigtails and a pink, flowery dress who was sitting at a table next to the woman.
“Not you Natalie, I was talking to your sister. She just fell out of that tree. Would you mind helping her dear?”
“Okay mom,” the girl, Natalie, said with a smile as she looked up from her journal. Humming, Natalie pushed her chair back and skipped over to where her sister was lying on the ground wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and cargo pants.
“Are you okay Natalie?” asked the peppy twin as she helped her sister up.
“No, I’m never okay,” Natalie responded bluntly. She then dusted off her sweatshirt, and turning away from her sister, began walking to the back door of the house.
“Do you need any help honey?” asked their mother.
“Mom, if you were so worried why did you send Natalie to help instead of coming yourself?” Natalie asked, blowing her droopy, black hair out of her face.
“Well you know I-” started their mother.
“Don’t even answer,” Natalie said holding up a hand, “I’ll be in my room for the next few hours. Only bother me if someone is dead. I don’t want to miss the party.”
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First off yes I know they have the same name that's the point. Now the question...I know for a fact I want to do at least parts of this in first person from both of the Natalies' viewpoints. There are other things that I think would work best told in third person, but I also think that here it doesn't work. Do you think I should stick with the journals as they are? Currently I am having trouble with them though because with how I have it set up, it's difficult to make the characters have proper conversations. Thanks again for taking the time to read this.
I rewrote this a bit, mainly converting it all to the journal perspective.
VERSION TWO IS AS FOLLOWS
--------------------------------------------
Chapter 1
On Locust Street, there is a small one-story house with a black roof and brown siding that reminds me of something that ought to be expelled from an animal’s rear end. This house is where I am to live from now on, in a small town called MaplePark. Good luck finding it on a map. It won’t be there. The movers parked their giant truck out on the front lawn because the level of basic intelligence suggesting one to park on the street escapes them, and they are now unloading our furniture. A girl dressed in pink and wearing her hair in pigtails, my sister, was riding on the couch they just brought in. She was singing some song she made up about bunnies and it made me want to vomit so I retreated to the large tree in our new backyard. I sit there now upon one of its branches writing what may be the last entry in this journal as I plan to fling myself from this tree in a matter of minutes. Moving to this town destroyed any grim chance I had at a future of happiness and I would rather die at my own hands than at those of this town. My only regret is that I chose this tree to jump from. It’s a Maple tree, ugh.
The sliding glass door to our house just opened and shut, and I could hear faint, awkwardly melodic words about bunnies at a tea party. I looked down over the edge and saw my sister skipping around the patio. I decided. If I’m going to jump, I better do it now. If anyone ever reads this journal, let my parents know that they suck for moving us here, but I only hate them slightly more than I did yesterday.
***
Oh my gosh, today was so splendiferous! My family moved in to a new house and it was SO much fun. I got to ride in a car for a very long time, and I flew on a couch, and I helped unpack things. I can tell. Maple Park is going to be the best place I ever lived. It’s so nice. There are lots and lots of trees which are great for climbing and playing with the squirrels. My sister was climbing in a tree earlier. I could tell it was her and not a fabled giant squirrel by the black hoodie she always wears. Her name is Natalie, and mine is too. It’s fun sharing so many things with your sister. We’re also twins and like best friends! One of the things we have in common is that we both have to write these journals in order to practice our skills. I don’t exactly know why my sister needs to practice, but I want to write fairytales when I grow up!
Okay, so back to my sister in a tree, she’s so funny sometimes. Natalie must’ve been scoping out the squirrels’ habitat when something went wrong. I saw her slip over the side of a branch and scream as she fell which did not seem fun. She’s such a happy person, and I hate to see her, or anybody, get hurt.
“Natalie!” my mom shouted worriedly from our patio.
“What Mom?” I answered thinking she was talking to me. I had been skipping around the backyard at the time.
“Not you Natalie, I was talking to your sister,” she said, “She just fell out of that tree. Would you go help her dear?”
“Okay Mom,” I said in my happy voice. I ran over to Natalie, humming the whole way, and offered to help her up when I got there. She was lying face down in the dirt, and hadn’t moved since she fell.
“Am I dead yet?” I heard her mumble.
“No silly. You just fell,” I explained, “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m never okay,” my sister responded. Then she stood on her own and brushed off her hoodie.
“Okay well try to be more careful. I know trees are difficult to stay in sometimes,” I told her, but she walked away before I could finish. She must have already realized what I was telling her.
“Do you need any help honey?” I heard Mom ask Natalie.
“Mom, if you were so worried, why did you send Natalie to help instead of coming yourself?” my sister asked.
“Well you know I-” Mom started to say, but I saw Natalie holding up her hand like the crossing guards do.
“Don’t even answer,” Natalie said, “I’ll be in my room for the next few hours. Don’t bother me. Please.”
Then she went inside. My mom looked at me all confused like. I just smiled and resumed skipping while my mom went back inside to help the movers. After about ten more minutes I went to my room and wrote this. Oh, it’s dinner time already!
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