Chapter 1: Love and Therapy
James Potter was in the library to glance through books that might inspire ideas for pranks.
"Oy, Potter, how did you get here? Did someone open your cage?" jeered the icy voice of Severus Snape.
James spun around and gaped at Snape as if in awe.
"What are you gawking at?" Snape spit.
"Nothing, it's just that you are living proof that dragon manure can grow legs and walk," volunteered James casually.
Snape's lips curled into a sneer. "Dragons are fascinating, as is all of nature. You should get Lupin a book on it while you are here since he loves nature, in spite of what it did to him," he retorted.
James' blood boiled with rage, no one spoke ill about his friends without suffering the consequences. He whipped out his wand and transfigured Snape's backpack into manure. Then he saw Lily Evans, who had just walked into the library to drop a book in the return slot, shoot him a disgusted look and go back out to the corridor.
"Hold up, Evans," called James. He quickly caught up with her.
"I am busy. Could I ignore you later?" Lily inquired stiffly as she hastened her pace.
James easily kept in step with her. "I know what it must have looked like in there, but you have not any idea what the git said. Please, try to see things from my perspective," requested James, running his hand through his messy hair in a flirtatious manner.
"I would like to see things from your point of view, Potter, though I can't seem to get my head that far up my arse," Lily scornfully stated.
"Why do you treat me this way?" demanded James, steeping in front of her so as to bar her path. "Why? I would go to the ends of the earth for you."
Ignoring his question, she responded, "If you would go to the ends of the earth for me then go and stay there!" She angrily pushed passed him and stalked off.
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Remus was in the Marauders' dormitory jumping atop his bed joyfully for no reason, a task usually left to Peter.
Suddenly, the doorknob clicked. Remus abruptly sat down and appeared the image of complete calmness as Peter and Sirius gaited inside.
"I know you were going to try to get Jessie to go out with you," Peter was saying to Sirius. "How did you make out?"
Sirius grinned with mischief as he replied, "I made out with her very well. Thank you for asking."
Peter seemed puzzled and Remus merely shook his head.
"Where's Prongs?" inquired Sirius.
As if on cue James came through the door shouting, "I am going to murder Snivellus! I shall take his tongue and tie him up with it and light his greasy hair on fire! Then I'll feed the burnt corpse to the giant squid!" He muttered as an afterthought, "But I doubt even he would want it."
"What happened? Should we go find him and hex him into next year?" offered Sirius seriously.
"No, it wouldn't change what Evans saw," James answered moodily.
"Ooooooh," said Sirius, Remus, and Peter comprehendingly in unison.
Remus got out a quill and a scroll of parchment, which he held like a clipboard, and put on a spare pair of James' spectacles, so he looked exactly like a psychologist. "Tell us everything in your own words using descriptive terminology. We're all friends here, so do not be afraid to be open."
James stared at him like he was insane at first, yet he then obligingly lay down on the bed, pretending that it was a couch, and told the other Marauders about the incident.
"What astounds me is that you actually knew where the library was," Sirius stated.
Remus questioned, "Well, Mr. Potter, how did Evans' rejection make you feel?"
"Like crap," responded James simply.
"Hmm, I see," said Remus, scrawling a note on the "clipboard." "Do you think perhaps you fear future rejections from her?" He was frightfully good at imitating a shrink.
"Prongs doesn't know the meaning of the word fear," Peter announced.
Sirius quipped, "He doesn't know the meaning of most words."
"That's it, Padfoot!" James tossed a pillow at Sirius' head.
Consequently, Sirius started to smack James in the face with his own pillow.
James leapt up from the bed and tackled Sirius.
Remus was laughing with amusement, but Peter looked genuinely anxious.
"Guys, do not kill each other," squeaked Peter.
"Aww, how come?" asked Sirius comically as he overpowered James and commenced suffocating him with a pillow.
Peter shrieked girlishly with terror.
James and Sirius ceased attacking one another for Peter's sake and cracked up.
Once they regained control of themselves James wondered aloud, "Does Lily really like lilies?"
No one knew.
"If we were plants what sort of plants would we be?" asked Peter
Remus answered without hesitation, "Obviously, a lupine."
"A mandrake, maybe," James thoughtfully responded.
Sirius jovially volunteered, "A Whomping Willow."
"I guess I'd be a blender," informed Peter.
"A blender is not a plant. It is a muggle electronic device," Remus explained calmly.
"It could be," insisted Peter.
"No, it couldn't," said Remus.
James inquired, "Can you prove that?"
"Not right now; there are not any electrical outlets at Hogwarts," replied Remus.
"You're only making excuses. Without evidence we are going to assume that a blender is a plant," declared Sirius.
"You know what happens when you assume," Remus pleasantly remarked.
"What?" questioned Peter.
"You make an ass of u and me," answered James bluntly.
"I don't get it," whined Peter.
"Honestly, Wormtail, if you were any slower you would be going backwards," Sirius spat.
Peter gazed at the floor in an ashamed manner; therefore Remus shot Sirius a look.
So Sirius changed the subject back to blenders. "We should add it to the Marauders' Code. A blender is a plant: rule number 957."
"But that is not right," Remus sighed.
"How did the direction 'right' become associated with the term correct? Why not left?" asked James.
Remus said exasperatedly, "Fine, it isn't left."
"It is now," Sirius, James, and Peter said together.
"I give up." Remus closed his bed hangings and fell asleep while his fellow Marauders debated if a blender sounded more like a tree, a flower, a fungus, or a shrub.
They decided on a shrub, so when Remus awoke they could tell him, "You must bring us a shrubbery or we will say ni!" from Mighty Python and the Holy Grail.
James Potter was in the library to glance through books that might inspire ideas for pranks.
"Oy, Potter, how did you get here? Did someone open your cage?" jeered the icy voice of Severus Snape.
James spun around and gaped at Snape as if in awe.
"What are you gawking at?" Snape spit.
"Nothing, it's just that you are living proof that dragon manure can grow legs and walk," volunteered James casually.
Snape's lips curled into a sneer. "Dragons are fascinating, as is all of nature. You should get Lupin a book on it while you are here since he loves nature, in spite of what it did to him," he retorted.
James' blood boiled with rage, no one spoke ill about his friends without suffering the consequences. He whipped out his wand and transfigured Snape's backpack into manure. Then he saw Lily Evans, who had just walked into the library to drop a book in the return slot, shoot him a disgusted look and go back out to the corridor.
"Hold up, Evans," called James. He quickly caught up with her.
"I am busy. Could I ignore you later?" Lily inquired stiffly as she hastened her pace.
James easily kept in step with her. "I know what it must have looked like in there, but you have not any idea what the git said. Please, try to see things from my perspective," requested James, running his hand through his messy hair in a flirtatious manner.
"I would like to see things from your point of view, Potter, though I can't seem to get my head that far up my arse," Lily scornfully stated.
"Why do you treat me this way?" demanded James, steeping in front of her so as to bar her path. "Why? I would go to the ends of the earth for you."
Ignoring his question, she responded, "If you would go to the ends of the earth for me then go and stay there!" She angrily pushed passed him and stalked off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remus was in the Marauders' dormitory jumping atop his bed joyfully for no reason, a task usually left to Peter.
Suddenly, the doorknob clicked. Remus abruptly sat down and appeared the image of complete calmness as Peter and Sirius gaited inside.
"I know you were going to try to get Jessie to go out with you," Peter was saying to Sirius. "How did you make out?"
Sirius grinned with mischief as he replied, "I made out with her very well. Thank you for asking."
Peter seemed puzzled and Remus merely shook his head.
"Where's Prongs?" inquired Sirius.
As if on cue James came through the door shouting, "I am going to murder Snivellus! I shall take his tongue and tie him up with it and light his greasy hair on fire! Then I'll feed the burnt corpse to the giant squid!" He muttered as an afterthought, "But I doubt even he would want it."
"What happened? Should we go find him and hex him into next year?" offered Sirius seriously.
"No, it wouldn't change what Evans saw," James answered moodily.
"Ooooooh," said Sirius, Remus, and Peter comprehendingly in unison.
Remus got out a quill and a scroll of parchment, which he held like a clipboard, and put on a spare pair of James' spectacles, so he looked exactly like a psychologist. "Tell us everything in your own words using descriptive terminology. We're all friends here, so do not be afraid to be open."
James stared at him like he was insane at first, yet he then obligingly lay down on the bed, pretending that it was a couch, and told the other Marauders about the incident.
"What astounds me is that you actually knew where the library was," Sirius stated.
Remus questioned, "Well, Mr. Potter, how did Evans' rejection make you feel?"
"Like crap," responded James simply.
"Hmm, I see," said Remus, scrawling a note on the "clipboard." "Do you think perhaps you fear future rejections from her?" He was frightfully good at imitating a shrink.
"Prongs doesn't know the meaning of the word fear," Peter announced.
Sirius quipped, "He doesn't know the meaning of most words."
"That's it, Padfoot!" James tossed a pillow at Sirius' head.
Consequently, Sirius started to smack James in the face with his own pillow.
James leapt up from the bed and tackled Sirius.
Remus was laughing with amusement, but Peter looked genuinely anxious.
"Guys, do not kill each other," squeaked Peter.
"Aww, how come?" asked Sirius comically as he overpowered James and commenced suffocating him with a pillow.
Peter shrieked girlishly with terror.
James and Sirius ceased attacking one another for Peter's sake and cracked up.
Once they regained control of themselves James wondered aloud, "Does Lily really like lilies?"
No one knew.
"If we were plants what sort of plants would we be?" asked Peter
Remus answered without hesitation, "Obviously, a lupine."
"A mandrake, maybe," James thoughtfully responded.
Sirius jovially volunteered, "A Whomping Willow."
"I guess I'd be a blender," informed Peter.
"A blender is not a plant. It is a muggle electronic device," Remus explained calmly.
"It could be," insisted Peter.
"No, it couldn't," said Remus.
James inquired, "Can you prove that?"
"Not right now; there are not any electrical outlets at Hogwarts," replied Remus.
"You're only making excuses. Without evidence we are going to assume that a blender is a plant," declared Sirius.
"You know what happens when you assume," Remus pleasantly remarked.
"What?" questioned Peter.
"You make an ass of u and me," answered James bluntly.
"I don't get it," whined Peter.
"Honestly, Wormtail, if you were any slower you would be going backwards," Sirius spat.
Peter gazed at the floor in an ashamed manner; therefore Remus shot Sirius a look.
So Sirius changed the subject back to blenders. "We should add it to the Marauders' Code. A blender is a plant: rule number 957."
"But that is not right," Remus sighed.
"How did the direction 'right' become associated with the term correct? Why not left?" asked James.
Remus said exasperatedly, "Fine, it isn't left."
"It is now," Sirius, James, and Peter said together.
"I give up." Remus closed his bed hangings and fell asleep while his fellow Marauders debated if a blender sounded more like a tree, a flower, a fungus, or a shrub.
They decided on a shrub, so when Remus awoke they could tell him, "You must bring us a shrubbery or we will say ni!" from Mighty Python and the Holy Grail.
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