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Fanfiction ► KingDumb Hearts



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Every Heart

Here We Go Again
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Normally yes, but well, you know Sora....

And now it's time for.....FANMAIL!!!!

*Every Heart and Riku standing on a stage*
Every Heart: Hello. You may know me as Every Heart from Khinsider Forums and writer/character of KingDumb Hearts.
Riku: And I'm Riku. I'm from Kingdom Hearts, KH: Chain of Memories, and Kingdom Hearts 2. I'm also a main charcter in KingDumb Hearts.
Every Heart: *out of the corner of her mouth* Like hell you are.
Riku: Wha?
Every Heart: *coughs* Anyway, we have a fanmail from one of our readers. Let's take a look at it:

Dear KingDumb Hearts,

Your fanfic is immorale. All the charcters have personality disorders or on some kind of illegal drug. All you ever talk about is sex. And drugs. Also, the portrayel of the characters is all wrong. Like Sora being an idiot. Sure, he's a little weird, but he isn't so stupid that he would eat plug ins or douse himself in lye. Riku is not emo and he is probably a lot smarter as well. Kairi....well....hmm...well anyway, she isn't a sex addict or anything like that.

Maybe if you made it less vulgar, then more adults and children would be able to enjoy it.

Every Heart: Who the hell was that from anyway?
Riku: It's from 4kids entertainment.
Every Heart: They just want us to make it less vulgar so that they can totally twist it up and dubb it into a crappy show. By the way, when did Sora ever douse himself in lye?
Riku: He's in the hospital right now. He did it yesterday from a dare you made. We partied about it and broadcasted it on the Internet.
Every Heart: Well, you know me, I always repress memories like that. So anyway, to the readers, let me show you what it would be like if our fanfic was more suitable and less vulgar.

*Sora, Kairi, Riku, and Every Heart sitting in armchairs*
Every Heart: Say Sora, you know what I find most hilarious?
Sora: Enlighten me dear Every Heart
Riku: Yes yes, please enlighten us.
Every Heart: Peasents
Kairi: Yes, quite
Riku: Very well so
Sora: Mmhmm
Every Heart: Indeed. *sips tea*
*the others sip tea*

*note: they all have British Acents*
*note: I probably spelled "acent" wrong*

Every Heart: So 4kids, that's your answer as to why the fanfic is as it is. So next time, when you are all mobbed by anime fans because of how you screw them up, ask yourselves "Am I feeling Lucky?"
Riku: What would they be lucky about?
Every Heart: I don't know, maybe hoping that none of those fans are KingDumb Hearts Fans. This is Every Heart with the fanmail. Now I leave you all with the following message.

4kids suck....and Kairi's a hoe.

If you have any fanmail, please PM it to Every Heart at Khinsider Forums. And if your lucky, I'll place it in a fanmail spoof like this one!

2nd prize winners gets keychains of the cast members. Like Kairi bitchslapped, Riku crying, Sora smoking, or Every Heart drinking coffee.
 
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Every Heart

Here We Go Again
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And it looks like we got more Fanmail!!

Every Heart: Yo, I'm Every Heart. Riku could not be here for the fanmail reading because he had been mauled by herds of cows. Why he got mauled, I really don't know nor care. So let's take a look at that fanmail letter:

Dear Every Heart of "KingDumb Hearts",

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND ACTUALLY DO THE CORRECT SHOOTING OF KINGDOM HEARTS? DON'T MAKE ME PULL OUT THE FOOLEY COOLEY TAPES! QUIT DOING THESE FANMAIL SPOOFS AND GET ON IT! AND ALL THOSE OTHER "SHORTS" OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU CALL THEM, QUIT DOING THAT AND ACTUALLY GET ON TO THE DAMN MAKING OF KINGDOM HEARTS!!!

Every Heart: Hey, I'll get sit around and do nothing for as long as I want. You can burn in hell for all I care. What an ass! I wonder who that was from.....Nomura? Aww Muffins....

Today's fanmail message:

Actually read the name of the person/organization that sends you the letter before ranting about how much they suck.
 

Every Heart

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Every Heart: We have recieved a new fanmail letter!
Riku: And I'm back from the hospital!
Every Heart: And no one cares! So let's read that letter, shall we?

Howdy Every Heart,
I love your fic but can you add some happy thought into it. It seems so bloddy and too sex orriented. It needs some flowers and dasiys and candy. Not fighting ,swaering and sexual innuendo.Dont make Kairi a hoe make her a teacher. Dont make Riku a emo make him a Ice Cream man. Make Sora a happy little elf from the town Whosvile. So make your fic a happy fic not a unapproite fic so children wont do bad things when the get older.

Hugs and Kisses from
Nick.Jr
Ps. Dora says for you to call her
;)

Every Heart:......Excuse me while I go stab myself with nearest bluntest object that I can find in the room.
Riku: Here, stab yourself with this pike
Every Heart: Where did you get that?
Riku: I found it on the side of the road. Near Sora
Every Heart: What was Sora doing on the side of the road?
Riku: I'm not sure, but when I found him, he was unconcious and someone took his wallet.
Every Heart: Was it you who took his wallet?
Riku: How did you know?
Every Heart: Psychic abilities and the fact that your still holding his wallet. So basically, you could call it a hunch.
Riku: Whoops*hides wallet*

Every Heart: To answer you letter "Nick Jr.", the day that Kairi becomes a teacher is the day that Sora figures out how to spell his name.
Sora: *from far off* Z-X-M-E is how you spell Sora, right?
Every Heart: Thank you Sora for proving my point. The day that Riku becomes an icecream man is the day that Kairi has sex with Dan Rather! Although, that could be quite possible....And the day that Sora becomes an elf from Whosville will be the day that Riku's sexuality peaks.
Riku: Excuse me?

Every Heart: You heard nothing silver haired freak!
Kairi: *leaving* If you need me, I'll be at Dan Rather's place.
Every Heart: Doing what?
Kairi: What do you think? *leaves*
Every Heart:.....Riku, you might want to consider that job for an icecream man.
Riku: *sighs* I'll go put on the uniform. *leaves*
Every Heart: Also, Dora can kiss my ass. Dora gets freaky monkey sex with that Boots character when no ones looking. And Swiper finds her sexually attractive when they do that "No Swiping" crap. And she can't speak spanish for sour cream and union chips. Also....wait a second, Riku has an icecream man uniform? *runs off after him*

Today's fanmail message:

......Uhh....Chipmunks Rock!
 

Every Heart

Here We Go Again
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And now it's time for fanmail! Yet again!
Every Heart: It's me again. The fanmail system sure is working out.
Riku: So why haven't I recieved any fanmail?
Every Heart: Because your a fricken emo that no one likes. Now, lets take a look at that letter!

Dear Every Heart,
I love you so much. I dont love boots we broke up 2 days ago i think your so hot. Also riku shes mibne not your emo. Kairi stop being a hoe it hurts my eyes and Sora you spell sora like this SHEMCUG duh!. But anywas your i sucks but i still like love you
Hugs and Kisses
Dora

Every Heart: Wow, I never knew that Dora was a lesbian.
Riku: Me neither. I can't believe she callled me a girl!
Every Heart: That I can believe. Also, she can't spell for beans. Even Sora knows that it's not the correct spelling of his name.
Sora: *reads letter* Oh, so that's how you spell it. Thanks Dora!
Every Heart: *pushes him off stage* Dora, I am so not interested in you. I don't want to be recieving anymore messages from you!
Riku: Yeah you skanky bitch, just crawl back to your pet monkey.
Every Heart: Anyway, we happen to have another letter! How great! Let's take a look at that one.

Dear, Everey Heart
I miss youi just wanted to interveiw you. Anywas your show just fantasic like my ass. Its not fat is it ..isit blahwah blah wa blah wawa:( . Anywho when can i interveiw you tomorrow ,today next christmas i am free next hunnakah or ill pen you in for tomorrow. Tomorrow ok ill come later today. Also is my ass really that big i mean its big but not bulgdy is it is it.........is it blahwa blah wa blah waa:( . Well keep up on the show and tell Kairi the sex was hot also tell riku to come over he siad he wanted to get soem AIDS.
Love,
Oprah
P.S See you tomorrow also Dora says she want you

Every Heart: Ok, that's it! I am so getting a restraining order. If you send me one more letter, I will take a brick and smash your head in!
Riku: Actually, I have to give my props to her. She's actually made it to your list of stalkers and freaks you hate.
Every Heart: You want to be the first victim of my brick smashing frenzy?
Riku:....I'll be quiet
Every Heart: Hey, wait a minute! This has a Spanish logo in the corner! It's not from Oprah, it's just from that stupid Dora! You better get your ass deported back to Spain or Mexico or wherever your from before I hunt you down and show you what happens when you piss me off!
Riku: Yeah! Oprah is a respected woman of the community. She reaches out to people and helps them with their problems. She listens to them and always finds a way to solve them....
Every Heart: Your just trying to get on her good side so that she'll have sex with you, right?
Riku: Yeah pretty much.

Today's fanmail message:

Stay away Dora, otherwise I'll send an army of caffinated chipmunks to your house to tear you limb from limb!


Note: Try to make these fanmails actually come from you and not from other people/organizations. You can have them from other people, but making it from yourself would be easier.
 

Livi

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Every Heart: That I can believe. Also, she can't spell for beans. Even Sora knows that it's not the correct spelling of his name.
Sora: *reads letter* Oh, so that's how you spell it. Thanks Dora!
Every Heart: *pushes him off stage* Dora, I am so not interested in you. I don't want to be recieving anymore messages from you!
Riku: Yeah you skanky bitch, just crawl back to your pet monkey.


I luv this fic it is SO funny!
 

Every Heart

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The last fanmail letter before the next chapter!
Every Heart: I am glad to say that this letter pleases me a little bit more then those creepy letters sent in by Dora. *shudders*
Riku: A lot of you are probably wondering why I am always the other person to read the letters. It's actually because Kairi is out with other guys at this time, and usually Sora is doing something stupid and unspeakable.
Sora: I'm going to make bathtub toast! *runs off with a toaster*
Riku: Should we go off after him?
Every Heart: Na, he'll be fine. Now, let's take a look at that letter!


Dear Every_Heart,
Awsome fanfic so far! It's funny, though, poor Sora since everyone makes him idiotic when they make fan fics like this or just to purely make fun of him!... Then again... That make me a hypocryte of about when I made fun of the mod-damned saying,"You can do anything if you put your mind to it!"*stabs the saying* Anyway, hahahaha~ YES! KAIRI'S A FLIPPING MITCH! I KNEW SHE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN INNOCENT THE WAY SHE ACTS, THE WAY SHE DRESSED, MY MOD, SHE LOOKED BETTER IN HER SCHOOL UNIFORM, AND SHE LOOKED SLUTTY IN IT TO! I HOPE SHE DIES! MUAHAHHAHAHA!... Hahaha....
Anyway, some stuff I noticed seemed familiar from some stuff, I noticed in one chapter of you fic, I think it was Sora whom had that strange dream about you catching fangirl-sydrome... Or whatever it was called from her, did you get that from the Ansem Retort?o_O I have fun trying to figure out stuff like this...
Also, it's kind of funny that you made Riku emo, but sadly, I think it's safe he's a wanna-be emo! He be an insult to my friends... xD. I'm just surprised no one has called him flipping.. CHICKEN LEGS WITH STAPPING HIS BLOODY PANTS! WHAT WAS HE THINKING? DID HE THINK HIS PANTS WERE FLUFFY AND POOFY OR SOMETHING?!... And he looks like Sephiroth a little..o.o I'm scared of that fact...
Anyway, awsome fanfic, as I said before, though, how long are you planning to continue with the fanmail spoofs?o.o Just a question out of curiosity!xD Lol, I hope you make fun of Ansem with his bloody obsession with darkness!
Well, anyway, I'll be waiting for an update!=^_^= And sorry about my anger outbursts...o.o Though, weren't you planning to add to when he went to Traverse Town, about the chicks being drawn to the keyblade or something...?
Which reminds, I have to STALK YOU FOR NOT UPDATING YOUR OTHER FICS FROM LONG AGO!!!! AND I SHALL NOT FORGET ABOUT THEM!*writes it on arm.
From the messup fan

~Taokitty~(IGNORE THE THEA AND GEM PART!!!!)>.<
P.s. Sorry if you can't really say anything on this..*sweat*

Every Heart: Thank you for sending us your letter Taokitty. To answer your question about the fangirl syndrome, no, I didn't originally get that from the popular Kingdom Hearts comic "The Ansem Retort". But I did get the idea from it about how Kairi should be like. Except in this one, we can't afford to kill her off.
Riku: We can't?
Every Heart: Your optimisim always gets on my nerves Riku, why don't you just go off and write more emo poems in the corner.
Riku: *moans as he walks off to the corner* But I'm never optimistic!
Every Heart: Wha? Sorry, I wasn't listening. As to how I made Sora..well, an idiot in this fanfic, it is quite common. Imagine him as a hot smart guy!

kh006.jpg

Every Heart: Uhh....Sora, when did you pose for this picture? And why do you have a fishs' skeleton in your mouth?
Sora: Shush, I'm trying to make the bathtub toast with butter!
Every Heart: Hard to imagine that he looks like an intellectionaly hot guy in this drawing. Anyway...
Riku: *reads the part about his pants* CHICKS DIG POOFY PANTS!
Every Heart: Who told you that you could leave the corner?
Riku: *goes back to the corner*
Every Heart: Yeah, I'll probably make fun of Ansem's love of darkness. Although we are still on the illusion of him being Michael Jackson to Sora.
Sora: MICHAEL JACKSON'S BACK? I THOUGHT I GOT RID OF HIM IN THERAPY! THE THOUGHT OF HIM IS MAKING MY BATHTUB TOAST SOGGY!! *cries*
Every Heart: No no, he's not here for the hundreth time.
Sora: Oh. Hey, that idea about using my keyblade to draw chicks closer to me, why hasn't that worked?
Every Heart: Maybe it's because you have an IQ similar to that of a candy bracelet. (17)
Sora: Oh....If you need me, I'll be using a knife to remove that candy bracelet that's stuck in the toaster.
Every Heart: About the other fanfics Taokitty, I'm usually no good at keeping up with any fanfic I right. But this one, I have taken an oath to remember to update! So if your hoping for the updation of those other fanfics I wrote, sorry, I won't be updating them.
Sora: Got it out! And it only required 90 volts of electricity to get it! Hey, I can elecrtocute stuff! I have the power of lightning! *for a limited time*
Riku and Every Heart: o_O
Every Heart: I GOT DIBS ON THE CLOSET!
Riku: I'll be hiding in the coat racks!
*the two hide*
Kairi: *walks in* The sex with that guy from Whose Line is It Anyway was great! Sora, where is everybody?
Sora: Come closer Kairi, there's something I wanna show you *hands sparkling with electricity*
Kairi: Stay away from me!!! *runs as Sora chases her as he maniacly laughs*


Today's fanmail message:

Bathtub Toast goes great with butter and about 1,000 volts of electricity.
 
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