Fanfiction ► Kingdomhearts: Dawn Of Sorrows (DOS)

[mastermind2076]

Prolouge:

We find our heroes back on Destiny Islands where life has been just like it was before.
Riku was sitting on the tree, Sora would hang out in the secret place but kairi's llife on the island was a little different because of the fact that Sora was so concentrated on that letter from mickey he would stay to himself alot.
Riku jumps down from the tree he then saw Kairi sitting at the dock with a tear in her eye. Whats wrong kairi?
I don't know but Sora has been acting kind of wierd ever since that we received that letter from the king.
Yeah I know said Riku, but I guess he has his reasons think of all that he's been through already, think of what we've all been through.
What did the letter say though?! yelled Kairi as she stood up from the sitting on the dock. I don't know he ran off too fast before we could finish reading. You shouldnt get saw caught up though Kairi wouldnt want you getting hurt again Riku says with a smirk on his face.
Yeah I know thanks Riku Kairi says as she hugs him.

Chapter 1: Birth Of A Nobody

The Next Morning, Sora goes back into the secret place. HUH?! Sora says in confusion, he realized that the door in the secret place was open and darkness started to pour out. Oh no..he runs back outside. Kairi! he yells. What Sora? We have to go now, why ask kairi we just do! Come on, but before they could get to there boats in time, the heartless appeared. Stay back yelled Sora. NO! im going to help to. Huh?! Kairi then wields the oathkeeper keyblade. Just dont ask and come on! Sora and Kairi then both finish off the heartless. Kairi how did you? I'll explain later she says. but for now kairi calls upon namine from inside her to help. Namine take us to a safe place. Okay says namine. Sora and Kairi both dissapear.

At Someplace unknown

Riku appears before xemnas.
Riku bows down. I've done what you have asked, the last keyblade master of light is out of destiny islands and looking for me. Good says xemnas. Now he will be led here eventually where the Organization will capture him and then he will become one of us. The Org. meets up on there thrones.
The keyblader of light have been brought to twilight town that is where Axel has tracked him to. says Xemnas. Okay so how do we intend on getting him to join us though, I think the whole plan is bogus! says Axel. Shut it! yells Xigbar you should be happy that you were even brought back! Oh yeah well! Shut it! yells xemnas. We still have on more thing to do. Huh? says Riku confused. Xemnas appears in front of Riku and grabs him by his neck lifts him up off his throne and takes his heart ouf him. Now that your "heartless" Xemnas revives Riku with his power. A Nobody is born!
Riku falls to the ground
Riku's name appears around him as he stands up. The Org. looks down upon him.
Riku's name changes to Kirux. "The New You" says Xemnas.


New Chapter will be put up soon

please comment about it thanks for reading.

 

[lightdark]

Good start but I noticed the lack of punctuation like quotation marks when they're speaking I think you should add that in.

 

[snowdog]

There's a distinct lack of correct grammar and punctuation. Remember to type everything out in MSWord, first.

The story is very rushed, and there's too much telling, and not enough showing.

Riku's name changes to Kirux.

Like, here, just as one example.

Keep writing. ^.^

<3

 

[mastermind2076]

I actually wrote this story I long time ago..Im just trying to remember as much as I can so im kind of new to fan fic again if you have any advice plz feel free to tell me...

 

[snowdog]

I'd be happy to help. ^.^

Don't rush things. Yes, readers are eager to know more, but, keeping them in suspense for a while makes them even more keen to read. I like to keep one major event to a chapter, if that's a helpful explanation.

Describe as much as physically possible. Tell us everything about the way your character looks, from their face, to their clothing, to their mannerisms. EVERYTHING. Describe their reactions, both physical and emotional. Perhaps invent a history for them.

Use grammar and punctuation. Write everything out in MSWord, because, not only is it good practise to improve your literary skills, but it makes things easier to read.

<3

 

[Haku]

I can't wait to see what the next chapter will be like but as things were pointed out earlier take your time writing it.

 

[mastermind2076]

sorry I posted this by mistake I posted up the edited one below

 

[mastermind2076]

Here is the second chapter I tried to use the advicce that you guys gave me thanks. Enjoy!

Chapter 2: Mystery in Twilight Town
Kirux then stands up before Xemnas. “I have a mission for you number VII, I want you to…”
Fades out….
In Twilight Town
Sora and Kairi both appear from a dark portal in the Usual Spot, where Hayner, Pence and Olette hang out. “Hey Sora!” said Hayner “what are you doing here?” Sora then gets up from being in a slight daze. “Huh? Oh hey, what’s up guys?” “Nothing much same stuff different day” Sora helps Kairi up onto the couch she still looks a little pale and out of it. “Is she going to be okay?” ask Pence. “Yeah she’ll be fine Sora replies”. “So Hayner how has things been around here?” “Oh man I knew you showed for something other than just to say hi” said Hayner. “Well it’s been rather weird there has been disappearances and some strange man in a long black cloak with a hood covering his face running around” “What?!” said Sora in a worried manner. “Could it be Organization XIII” ask Kairi. “I don’t know” Sora Replied. “Organization XIII?” “What’s that?” said Hayner. “These bad guys that run around in something similar to the cloak that you just described” said Sora. “Any idea where he might be?” asked Sora. “Near the old mansion” said Olette. “I last saw him near that hole in the wall that leads to the forest”. “Okay we’ll check there first, Thanks guys”. “No problem” said the three friends. “Let’s go Kairi”. Sora and Kairi leave the usual spot.
Sora and Kairi both head towards the forest when they then see the cloaked man run into the forest. “Let’s go after him” says Sora. “Okay” answered Kairi.
Sora and Kairi both follow the hooded figure into the forest and to the Haunted Mansion. Sora and Kairi both stop and hide at on the walls near the entrance of the mansion. They can see the hooded figure walking into the mansion. “Come on” says Sora. They both run into the mansion.
As they open the door to the mansion slowly the see the hooded figure walking up the stairs and heads to the right towards the room to where the laboratory is. Sora and Kairi enter the dusty old mansion. Then for what seemed like a second, Heartless appeared. Sora and Kairi both wield there keyblades and take of the heartless, after a few minutes all the heartless were destroyed. “You’re not too bad of a fighter Kairi”, she blushes and says “thanks”. Sora and Kairi head through the door that the Hooded Figure went through, but only to find themselves in an empty room with a table in the center. “Where did he go?” “There is nothing in here but a table and some books” says Sora. Then both Sora and Kairi heard Namine’s voice. “There is a symbol on the table do you see it?” asked Namine. “Yes” said Sora. Kairi looks on anxiously. “There are three circles in the symbol one for Heartless, one for Nobodies, and as for the third I don’t know what it means but what I can do is unlock Roxas’ memories and see what he drew”. “Okay says Sora”. Namine that unlocks the memories of Roxas locked deep within Sora. “It’s a crown! Said Namine in excitement. “Sora draw a crown in the third circle” “Okay” said Sora. Sora draws the crown. Then before he could put the pen down the floor before him disappears, Sora takes Kairi and jumps back towards the door. “Whoa!” says Kairi. “That was cool” “err sure” said Sora with a puzzled look on his face. “Despite the Fact that we could have broken our legs!” Kairi laughs your funny when you’re mad”. Sora sticks his tongue out at Kairi. Then they both head downstairs. “Look a door” said Kairi. Both Sora and Kairi go into the door.

Chapter 3 will be up today if not then definitely tommorow

 

[mastermind2076]

I was going to put chapter 3 up tonight but I want to wait until I get feed back on chapter 2 so once I receive some comments on chapter 2 I will post up chapter 3.

thanks

goodnight

 

[mastermind2076]

For those of you who are actually reading my fan fic
I have chapter 3 up and ready for post and begining chapter 4

I'm not rushing the story I just have all the free time in the world right now so im just writing.
thanks for those of you who are reading.

comment on chapter 2 and I'll post chapter 3

 

[Constellations]

its a good plot so far. there are still a few grammar mistakes. for one, don't make it all one big paragraph. double space in between each new paragraph, and when someone says something. so it should be like this: (made this up)

Sora and Kairi walked down the pathway and saw a bunch of heartless attacking someone. They took their keyblades out and started to slash away the heartless. When they were all gone, the person they were attacking looked up terrified.

"What were those things?" she asked.

"Heartless," Sora said.

something like that. but other than the grammar mistakes, don't rush your story; you want to keep your readers interested and by rushing it will go by too fast, and you might miss some important information. otherwise, good story so far and i can't wait to see chapter 3 ^^

 

[mastermind2076]

okay thanks..I'll edit up chapter 3 and then I'll post it up.

 

[mastermind2076]

Well I have edited chapter 3 so hopefully the grammer is better even though I think there is one thing you guys might point out but we'll just wait and see
since I was already starting chapter 4 while editing 3 it should be done soon..I don't know when I will post it up though
well here is chapter 3

ENJOY!!

Chapter 3: Confrontation

Sora and Kairi enter the computer room where Diz would reside when he was watching over Roxas.
“Well he’s not here” Kairi said. “Hey look there is a door”.

Sora and Kairi walk through the doorway. Sora and Kairi enter the room only to see the hooded figure standing with his back turned, as if he was awaiting there arrival. Kairi sort of hides behind Sora, Sora puts his arm out in front of kairi.
“
Kairi sit this one out and stay back got it?”
She nods her head and moves back.
“Yeah sit this one out Kairi” mocks the hooded figure. Wouldn’t want you to get hurt now would I?”
“Who are you?!” yells Sora. The hooded Figure then turns around and looks at Sora. Sora then begins to become frustrated. “Show your face you coward!”
“
You know you I am Sora, we have fought once before I’m just here for a little rematch.
“Huh? What are you talking about?” Sora says confused. “Still don’t remember? Well let me refresh your memory!” The hooded figure then lifts his hands up as if charging up his power and then puts them straight out to the sides, when he does that fire appears around his hands revealing his weapons.

“Axel!” yells Sora. “Oh so now you remember, I’m so flattered!” The hooded figure takes off his hood.
Sora wields his keyblade. “What are you doing Axel? So your on the bad side again?”
“I guess..” Axel says. “If that’s what you wanna call it, but I have my reasons Sora”
“Shut Up!” Sora charges at Axel with the keyblade. He swings towards Axel’s head but misses, then Axel takes the chance and kicks Sora in his back into a wall. Sora falls to the ground.

“Sora!” Kairi screams for Sora making sure he’s okay. “No kairi stay back!”
“Yeah Kairi stay back!” mocks Axel again. Then just as Axel makes his way to strike Kairi he is blocked by another hooded figure.
“Sora take Kairi and go to Disney castle, the king is awaiting your arrival!
Sora runs and grabs Kairi then just before he leaves the unknown figure speaks to him.
“Sora!” called the unknown. “Yes” replies Sora. “Whatever you do..do not use the keyblade”
“what why?” ask Sora extremely confused about what he was just told. “Just don’t” retorts the unknown. “Now go!”

Sora and Kairi disappear into one of Namine’s portals where they will be taken to Disney castle.

Some place Unknown

Axel appears before Xemnas with the body of the unknown from earlier resting on his shoulder, “Put him down” says Xemnas

“Looks like we’ve finally caught him, it took awhile, what a clever little sneak avoiding us like that says Xigbar. Xemnas shows looks of worry.

“No I can not let this happen again, this how the first war started!” The rest of the Organization looks on in confusion. “What’s up with him?” Axel says while looking Xigbar. Xigbar shrugs.
“
Xigbar!” “Yes Xemnas throw this traitor into the special holding cell where my old friend is, looks like will be needing this one a little bit later.” Xigbar takes the body and walks off.

Axel looked at the body knowing who it really was. A tear then begins to stream down Axels face. Axel begins to say to himself:
“Tears? What’s happening to me?” He quickly wipes it away before the others see.

 

[mastermind2076]

must keep my thread alive
dont wanna to get lost in the forever fan fic dungeon
lol

 

[mastermind2076]

anyone who reads please comment the story with any thoughts..I'm really trying to kick it up a notch so it can be one of the good stories

thanks

rate and comment after reading plz ^^

 

[ViVi94]

I'd be glad to save your fic from the fanfic dungeon!(God knows mine's going there) I know who the knocked out org guy is.....MICHEAL JACKSON! Sorry, Hyper moment, anyway, It's getting pretty good! KEEP WRITING OR I SHALL HIT YOU WITH A SHOVEL! lol

 

[mastermind2076]

HOW DID YOU KNOW WHO HE IS?! lol jk no its not Michael Jackson
yeah I'll def put up Chappie 4 its already done I was just waiting for comments on three..
five is still in its first stages dont know when it will be done.

heres chappie 4 though

ENJOY!

Chapter 4: Disney Castle

Xigbar walks past a few holding cells before approaching the one for the unknown warrior. Xigbar throws the unconscious body in the cell and puts in the password for the lock.

“There ya go; no keyblade of yours will get through that lock. Xigbar walks out of the room and back up stairs. Xigbar returns to the thrones, “He’s all locked up just as you asked”
Just as Xigbar finishes his sentence another organization member appears, “So you have finally returned Marluxia” says Xemnas.

“Yep and sorry couldn’t find him” Axel begins to laugh “That’s because our target came to us!” Marluxia looks at Axel in shock “What do you mean?! He came to us?” “When I was in a little battle with Sora, _______ appeared”. “Ha! I told you Axel would find him first!” yells Xigbar “Shut Up!” retorts Zexion as he hands Xigbar 50 munny. “So what about number VII?

When is he going to be back?” asked Axel. “When he completes his mission of obtaining the last of the warriors of light” answered Marluxia. “This is true but what about the fact that there are two seats left and we’re only searching for one keyblader of light” says Zexion. “Who is the other?”

An unknown voice appears “That is one question not even I can answer?”

The Organization bows down as the unknown man approaches.


At Disney Castle


Sora and Kairi appear in the garden of Disney Castle.

“Well were finally here” says Kairi. Sora was on one knee still a little hurt from the kick to his back, Kairi helps him to his feet. “Thanks Kairi but I’m okay” “You sure?” ask Kairi “Yeah” Replies Sora as they woke into the castle and up the stairs.

They proceed down the long narrow hallway calling for Mickey. Sora and Kairi both hear a ruckus coming from the throne room. “Whoa, what’s that about?
Sora and Kairi rush to the throne room, none other than to see another unknown, but this time fighting with the King.

“King Mickey! What’s going on?” asked Sora. “I don’t know why don’t you ask him?” Mickey points at the unknown.
Sora yells at the unknown. “Hey! What do you want from the king?!”
“Nothing, I’m actually here for you” The unknown wields his keyblade. Sora realizes that the unknown is using the Way to Dawn keyblade. “Riku!? What are you doing?

The unknown pulls off his hood and says “well if you’re going to jump to conclusions and accuse me of something at least get my name right.” “Riku what are you talking about?” Sora says confused.
“The name is Kirux, got it memorized”

Kairi runs out to Kirux crying. Riku how could you?! Kirux grows infuriated “I said my name is Kirux!” He yells as he knocks Kairi back with his keyblade

“Kirux! Leave her alone!” Sora wields the keyblade and charges at Kirux a keyblade battle rages on. King Mickey eventually jumps in to help Sora. “Sora put the keyblade away!” Sora confused lets go of the keyblade.

“Oh wow this is going to be easier than I thought” said the unknown. “Why can’t I use the keyblade?!” ask Sora frustrated and confused. “You can you use the keyblade” said Mickey. “You just can’t use your keyblade”. The unknown charges at Mickey again and their keyblades clash.

Sora begins to think, and then it hits him. “Kairi!” yells Sora. “Kairi immediately catches on to Sora’s plan and throws him her keyblade. “What?! It can’t be!” said Kirux confused. Sora then launches a series of attacks on Kirux bringing him to his knees.

Kirux begins to laugh as he holds himself up on one knee with the keyblade. Sora and the others look on confused. “Hey! What’s so funny!?”

Kirux looked up at kairi. I found you! Kirux said as he disappeared into a dark portal.

 

[Silent Avera]

*New reader* T_T why is Riku evil? *sniff* Anywho, I'll help with keeping your fic out of the dungeon too ^-^

 

[Haku]

Good chapter its going to be interesting in seeing how far this story goes.

 

[mastermind2076]

yay new reader finally
lol thanks for coming...probably wont be on for a while today btu I'll have chapter 5 on my mind.

thanks guys