Kingdom of the Dead Part 2 & 3 Updated



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NoOmniscience

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I'm no writer, and this is my first time posting a literary piece that isn't poetry. It's a crossover of Sam Raimi's 1980's Evil Dead Films, and post Kingdom Hearts 2.

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Look forward to your criticism. I do apologize for any grammatical errors. I edited it to the best of my abilities. If you catch any, I appreciate it if you will point them out to me so that I may correct them.
 
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Hidden

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re: Kingdom of the Dead Part 2 & 3 Updated

This is an... interesting combination. But it's actually pretty well-written from what I've seen so far. I'll give it a closer read and some critique when I have the time.
 

NoOmniscience

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re: Kingdom of the Dead Part 2 & 3 Updated

I look forward to your critique, and glad that you found the combination, interesting. Thank you.
 

KingdomKey

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re: Kingdom of the Dead Part 2 & 3 Updated

This was really exciting! C: Sora sticking out like a sore thumb in modern society is quite interesting. Will he ever find Donald and Goofy? I'm somewhat curious about the demon too. Ash is quite the man, dealing with the deadites. I hope Sora and Ash find the book, and find a way to destroy it. And it's awesome to see Justine panicking like any normal person would. I didn't see anything wrong, and hope you update again sometime.
 

NoOmniscience

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re: Kingdom of the Dead Part 2 & 3 Updated

Thank you, I greatly appreciate the review. On a related note, oddly enough I only just noticed the mature language filter. Although yes I can confirm that Donald and Goofy will reunite with Sora. Whether or not they'll be there to assist Sora and Ash with finishing the confrontation is subject to change.
 

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re: Kingdom of the Dead Part 2 & 3 Updated

Since you split your story into pretty small and manageable paragraphs, I'm going to split up my critique similarly. Most of this is basically proofreading (typos and grammar), but hopefully some of it will be useful.

An explosion of bright white light surrounded Sora, /New Sentence/ he felt his very essence change, and he wasn't even sure how. The next thing he knew he was surrounded by people crossing a street. Staring in awe at all the lights and billboards, watching as people appeared as giants on screens, Sora stood astounded. A siren sounded and Sora quickly threw his glance in it's [its] direction;[comma, not semi-colon] only to see a giant black monster made of metal and wheels speeding toward him. The car horn blared and Sora rolled out of the way. "You diddlying idiot!" called out the driver as Sora turned to face his aggressor. A young woman then grabbed his hand and dragged him along to the sidewalk. "Are you alright, kid?"
You have a couple typos (it's-->its , wheel-->wheels , misuse of a semi-colon), but I really like the opening description. It's abrupt, jarring, and captures Sora's frantic introduction to 'city life'.

"Yeah, I'm fine, what was that? That's a monster I've never seen before!" exclaimed Sora. "That was a car, kid, [and] that's some interesting clothing you have on" She quipped, grinning "My name is Justine."She added as she quickly glanced over Sora's garb. She found her eyes drawn to the crown charm hanging from his neck. Noticing his spiky light brown, gravity defying hair, she couldn't help but brush her hand over it. This in turn prompt[ed] Sora to ask "Umm, what are you doing?" Abruptly snapping back to attention with an embarrassed look she stammered out "Oh! Nothing, it's just I've never seen hair like yours before outside of anime and video games. Where did you say you're from again?"
A quick note about dialogue and punctuation. The way I was taught, and have always seen dialogue written, is like this:

"That was a car, kid, and that's some interesting clothing you have on," she quipped, grinning.

All of the above is one sentence, so the period should go at the end. Within the "quotation marks," use a comma instead of a period (you can also use a question mark or exclamation mark where appropriate). Following these rules, the next sentence would read:

"My name is Justine," she added, as she quickly glanced over Sora's garb.

One other note: don't you think "'that's some interesting clothing you have on,'" and "as she quickly glanced over Sora's garb," make more sense if you put them together? I might write it like this:

"That was a car, kid," she quipped, grinning. "My name is Justine," she added, as she quickly glanced over Sora's garb. "That's some interesting clothing you have on."

Or something like that.

Anyway, you can edit the rest of the dialogue yourself, so I won't bother you about that anymore.

"I didn't, but I'm from Destiny Islands, /New Sentence/ say now that you mention it, where are Donald and Goofy?" He asked with a questioning glance, scanning the crowd[period] "Donald and Goofy? Aren't those Disney characters?" Justine said[period] "Oh, I get it! You're a cosplayer right? Wow you really got the character down, the outfit and everything is spot on." She remarked with an impressed look, before continuing "Well since this is clearly some prank or sketch, you should just call your friends, or we can make our way back to the convention centre, I'm sure you'll find your friends there."
Small typos (first sentence is a run-on, missing some punctuation), but still good description and dialogue. I think it's funny she immediately things of cosplaying and conventions; I would just think "crazy person," but I'm not exposed much to that type of culture.

He noticed a man in a skintight red outfit, with irises akin to blood pools, carrying a pair of katanas. Another [man] was wearing yellow spandex and blue boots, he was incredibly muscular, and yet humorously short. Then came a rather simple outfit, he wasn't sure if this was "cosplaying" or not but he was carrying a strange book that seemed to be bound together by what appeared to be flesh. Wearing a blue shirt, Brown pants, and what at first appeared to be some strange metal thing in his hand. Sora then noticed he was not holding anything, but rather his hand was made of metal, what seemed to be a gauntlet of some sort. Justine's voice cut through his focus "You seem awfully interested in that Ash cosplay, why don't you go talk to him, while I go buy you a ticket to get inside."
The bolded sentence in incomplete, but I'm more confused about Justine going to buy them tickets to the convo. Has she adopted Sora now? Good descriptions of the cosplayers, though I don't recognize any of the characters.

"Actually, I was wondering, could I see that book, it's been piquing me interest ever since I seen [saw] it." The cosplayer passed the book over to him. "Make it quick please, actually hold on to that, I'll just go grab something to eat at that stand over there, don't worry about wrecking it, I found it in my Uncle's attic," He stated "He told me it's a replica he bought from the movie. I think he paid too much for it though, looks nothing like the one from the movie. You know, the one with Jane Levy?" The young man added before bolting off. "Movie..?" Sora said quizzically, finding he was asking himself.
Sora claims the book has been piquing his interest ever since he saw it, but we didn't get any special indication of this in the last paragraph; in fact, previously Sora seemed more preoccupied with Ash's metal gauntlet. Also, Ash cosplayer's first line of dialogue is way too long, both in terms of grammar and content. Split it up into multiple sentences and it will flow more naturally.

He turned around to notice that the young man was rushing back over to grab his book. Sora returned it to him and thanked him, noticing that Justine was just on her way to him with two tickets in hand. He rushed over, waving at her. Her expression changed to one of horror as she started screaming, telling Sora to run away quickly. Glancing behind him[comma] he noticed the man in the red skintight outfit was chowing down on the Ash Williams cosplayer. The Kingdom Key materializing in his hand[comma] Sora dashed forward with blinding speed,[no comma] and struck the aggressing cosplayer. Roaring in pain[comma] he[who?] turned to Sora, and Sora struck again, and blood exploded from the removal of limbs. The monster screamed in pain and fury, and Sora heard it say "You who has disturbed our sleep, and awakened us from our ancient slumber. YOU WILL DIE! Like the others before you, one by one we will take you" Another slash with the keyblade and the mutilated monster crumpled to the ground. Sora looked about at the hellish scene unfolding about him and dashed to the injured man. With keyblade in hand he pointed towards him, shouting "HEAL!" and with the incantation he[who?] was completely healed of his wounds. "Are you alright?" Sora asked, a look of concern on his face.
Lots of people "rushing" in the first few sentences. Inserted a few notes where commas are missing (or need to be removed), and wrote (who?) where it isn't clear whom a pronoun ("he") is referring to (I mean, it's clear from the context, but not grammatically). Only one sentence threw me off: "Sora looked about at the hellish scene unfolding about him...." What scene? Didn't the "hellish scene" already unfold in front of him? What else is going on?

Screams everywhere, Sora didn't know where to start. He frantically looked left and right, noticing civilians getting mauled [and] security guards thrown about like ragdolls as they tried to help. Other people [were] hiding behind corners and crying, a few cowering beneath tables in hopes that they weren't seen. *BANG* Sora jumped, turning quickly to find the source of the deafening sound to see a man, confident, fearless, and angry as all hell wielding a shotgun. A chainsaw protrud[ed] from where his other hand should [have] be[en]. "Which one of you screwheads read from that damn book?" He questioned heatedly, noting the shocked expression on Sora's face "Was it you kid?" He walked towards Sora, glowering as he reloaded his shotgun, and took a shot at another monster. "I have some harsh words for the screwhead that read from that diddlying book" "Uh sir" Sora said sheepishly "We have other problems on our hands than who read from a book"
Good dialogue overall (I like Ash's diction), but another point of confusion here:

"Which one of you screwheads read from that damn book?" He questioned heatedly, noting the shocked expression on Sora's face "Was it you kid?"

This is partially the punctuation problem again, but it's also strange to have "He questioned heatedly, noting the shocked expression on Sora's face" all be in one sentence. It seems like they should be two:

"Which one of you screwheads read from that damn book?" he questioned. Noting the shocked expression on Sora's face, he asked, "Was it you, kid?"

Suddenly Ash went flying into a wall with a resounding crash, /New Sentence/ standing behind where he was moments ago, the culprit, a giant disfigured man[comma] stared intently at Sora. "Stop!" Yelled Sora as the beast was about to take a swing at him. The beast stopped in place and Sora struck him with his keyblade, running over to Ash's side. As Sora cast a cure spell on him, he got up and inspected Sora carefully. "Just what the hell are you kid?"
I know this is a fanfiction, so readers should be familiar with magic, but you might want to mention that "Stop" is a spell, Sora isn't just saying "Time out!" and then hitting the monster who was considerate enough to stop. The dialogue between Ash and Sora that follows this is pretty good, you capture their characters well in their words (I haven't seen the Evil Dead films, but I get a good sense of Ash's personality from his dialogue).

That's most of the errors I found. Like I said, your writing is pretty good, you have a good sense for describing the scenes and differentiating the characters by their dialogue. I particularly like Ash's dialogue, peppered with some (toned down) vulgarity, next to Sora's more cleaned-up speech. The combination of fandoms still strikes me as odd, but there have certainly been stranger fanfictions, and it's fun. Just watch out for grammar mistakes, especially around dialogue, and keep writing!
 

NoOmniscience

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re: Kingdom of the Dead Part 2 & 3 Updated

Thank you very much, Hidden. I appreciate the critique and I believe I made the proper edits where it was necessary. I'll do my best to make the proper edits before I post Part 2. I hope you enjoy the subsequent stories as well.
 

NoOmniscience

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Kingdom of the Dead Part 2 and Part 3

Finally finished typing and editing Kingdom of the Dead Parts 2 and 3. I do hope you enjoy the continuation of the series. Please feel free to leave a comment.
Link to part 1





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KingdomKey

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Ash seems to mean well at some points, but still comes off strongly as a jerk. I can imagine Sora is trying to keep it together after seeing himself on a poster with Riku, Kairi and Roxas. Justine sure is lucky to have Sora looking after her, when Ash isn't afraid of her becoming a casualty. Swell guy. Anyhow, I like your use in words, such as 'inquire' and 'grimaced', and seeing you keep Donald in character,by having him say 'palooka'. I'm impressed to see Sora caught on to being watched, and I wonder who, or what it could be? Riku has to be the most stubborn of keyblade wielders there ever was, because knocking police on their butts is one heck of a way to say "outta the way!" Kairi is so sweet, protecting Justine just like Sora would. I hope to read more, and definitely worth the wait to read, and get to in my spare time. =3

Also, Ash reminds me of Deadpool, which is weird.
 

NoOmniscience

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He's a character that's been forced to endure the deadites for several years, he doesn't want to make any connections to people that he feels won't help him bring an end to never ending battle with the book. Yes, I always liked the surreal element made possible since it takes place at a Comic book/video game/movie convention, it was a big part that made me want to write this fanfiction. Coming up with ways to exploit it is altogether a different matter though. I'm glad you feel that I wrote Donald canon to the respective source material, I've been trying to do that with all the characters, without taking too many liberties. Glad you enjoyed it ^^

Funny that you should mention Deadpool, as it's Wolverine and Deadpool who I described as the other two cosplayers in Part 1.
 
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