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Fanfiction ► Kingdom Hearts: Memories of Darkness



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Chimubar

Imma touch the sky
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Well this is my first fan-fic so... ya. Please tell me things I can do to improve my writing and comment and all that jazz. I was planning to put the prolouge and the first chapter up now but some things came up so I wont have time. Here's the prolouge ENJOY!

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Memory 00: Death​

The young youth found himself on a rainy island. He couldn't speak or move. He could only hear and see the people on the island. And he could only feel the ice-cold rain beating down hard on him.

Unable to do anything, the boy watched as the people on the island gathered around a grave stone, he was too far away to see the name. One by one, the people who were wearing black, shuffled off the island to continue their own lives, leaving only two people remaining.

The male one had silver hair, and a wispy beard, judging from his appearence he was in his mid-twenties. The second one was a girl with long red hair, but she had that kind of look that you know she would be useless in battle.

The two stood in the same spot like statues for several minutes until something happened. The girl collapsed on the ground, crying histerically, the man not making that much of an effort to comfort her. This made the youth question many of the things going on.

"Is this real, or am I dreaming? And lastly, who is that who died." The thought, knowing he wasn't going to get answer. To his surprise the girl answered his last question. The girl who stopped crying but was still on the ground only yelled one thing.

" SORA!"
 
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Brol

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i have nothing negative to say about this, only good stuffs:

1) this definately caught my attention
2) the flow of the story, even thought it was a tease [meaning it was short not retarded definately NOT!], it really made me feel like i wanna know what happen next, not just that i was curious i really felt like, damn what happen!
3) your first hook i liked was the fact that your character showed such a natural emotion, curiosity to see what happen, the physical shock of seeing a funeral, in such a depressing scenery btw... nice! then i liked how you tied up your hook with the sense of Time, saying it's niether in the past nor the present but the future, saying how both Riku and Kairi are older, nice very nice. And finally you ended it with the identity of the corpse, Sora.
4) it's really hard to kill off the highest main character of Kingdom Hearts, but i wouldn't expect anything less of you man. This story is definately 5 stars in my eyes, and i'm a pretty harsh critic.

i will not rep you until you finish this story bro, got it? lol but yea awesome very awesome is my total summary
 

Chimubar

Imma touch the sky
Joined
Jul 31, 2008
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28
Location
in my room on my computer. Typing this
OMG guys I'm sorry. First of all for the double post and second of all I've been so busy today that can't put up the chapter today. I promise it'll be up either tommorrow or thursday and if I forget pm me.
 
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