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Fanfiction ► Kingdom Hearts: Destati



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Merlin326

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I PMed you but I just have to know one thing. Does your second story feature a new, original character, Sora, or Sora's son or daughter?

well, i'm not going to spoil it for you, but i will say this.

there are three major characters. one is a completely origional character we have seen before. the other two i will not say. that would spoil the fun.

and with that, i shall no longer be posting in this threat. until next time, everyone...

with all due respect,
Merlin326
 

bizness86

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My first read:
I remembered reading the first chapter before, and now realize that it has clearly been edited since last. What I most enjoyed since then is that you have actually included the appearance of the enemy and a hero directly into your Foreword. That definitely gives me something to look forward to. I can assume that Valzog is the dark soldier introduced in BBS, named, but you could indeed surprise me. Overall, I hope that in following this consistently, I will become reacquainted again with the magic once lost...On to Kingdom Hearts: Destati.​
 

bizness86

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(Double Post...)

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Review​
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I'd think it'd be quite obvious that Master Xehanort not do anything about Xando's capture. Xando's showing some real weakness right now...He should have overpowered those rebels by now and should have ceased the futile resistance in the name of his father. He had the little servant girl practically eating out of his hands and didn't once ask her to open his cell...! Get ruthless, Xando... Yeah, Xehanort did right, this should have been a test of Xando's capabilities, and so far, Xando is failing, sitting comfortably with the enemy, chilling...

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Criticism​
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Though I've read both 1 and 2, I've found points to make only in Chapter 1.

Chapter 1​
- There were a few misspelled/misused words; enough to note anyways (dessert vs desert, spit vs split).

His yellow eyes showed neither mercy nor compassion.
- Why would his eyes be showing mercy or compassion; what did his son do to which Xehanort should show such an emotion in the first place. Perhaps being a little more vague would suffice.

i.e. His yellow glare was hard, as if to pierce through his own son.

This does more of a job by avoiding implication; this doesn't imply that Xehanort should have been merciful or compassionate.

A group of figures cloaked in brown walked slowly towards the wreckage. They had seen the ship crash into the mountain and decided to search for survivors. But now, looking at the ruin, there was no way anyone could have survived.
"The craft exploded on impact," said one of the figures, "the entire thing went up like kindling. If someone survived the crash, then they burned to death.
Something to consider; here, I'm assuming all of the brown cloaked figure witnessed the accident. So, in essence, the talking figure seems reiterative, as in he's seemingly stating the obvious to his comrades. I figure this is just a way to connect with the audience, but I've come to the fact that sometimes the audience doesn't need to be connected with as exensively as we writer think that they do. In short, you probably could have saved yourself a line or two by doing away with the figure's dialogue, OR added a bit of early personality to the figures by have one respond to that line.

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Overall​
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That it's. We find that Xando's not nearly as cold as he was made out to be. Probably his true nature has been long overshadowed by his tyrannical father; the shadow cast is way too engrossing for the young prince to initially break free of. Perhaps, within these two chapters, I have witnessed the light which protrudes through Master Xehanort's dark shroud to touch the dark prince...?
 
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Nojerom

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NO MERLIN DON'T CLOSE THIS YET

I STILL HAVE TO READ IT AND POST MY PAGES UPON PAGES OF PRAISE AND ADORATION

AND FANSHIP LETS NOT FORGET THAT

DO NOT CLOSE

I REPEAT:

DO NOT CLOSE

[PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZE]
 

Riku Fan1415

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Beautiful, so much emotion it could be made into a game, it's sad that Riku died, but all have a time sooner or later, what is important is enjoying the time we do have. And, though the story is concluded, the adventure is not yet finished. The true battle has just begun....
 

Lanydx

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So true but he stole the line "The war of light and shadows will be in blood" from LOZTP
 

Riku Fan1415

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And anyone who's read The Lost Years of Merlin knows of the Galator. However, he didn't steal it as long as he gives credit to the creators, otherwise it would be copyright infringement.
 

Merlin326

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well, this is a fanfic, so i dont think copyright is TOO important here (I'm not going to try and sell the story, etc.) however, since it has been put into question, i figured i would clear this up:

I disclaim ownership of anything that might appear in this fanfiction (or it's sequal) with teh exception of the following:

Xando
Colette
The general outline of the story (but not the fine details, e.g. the worlds where it takes place) NOTE: I'm a little iffy on this one. if anyone can prove that this one will need a revision/deletion, just let me know.
Aloz the Dark
The character (excluding the name) of the man named Question
The Elder

and i think that's the majority of it. all other things that might appear belong to their respective owners and are not mine. they simply cameo here. and as i said way back when i started this, I will be using quotations from other sources. those also belong to their respective owners.

that should clear things up.

with all due respect,
Merlin326
 

Riku Fan1415

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^You forgot Valzog, I think, along with that "kid king" guy, unless that's from a book (the king with a dragon heart). But Valzog seemed like an original character (or at least, the name was)
 

Merlin326

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^You forgot Valzog, I think, along with that "kid king" guy, unless that's from a book (the king with a dragon heart). But Valzog seemed like an original character (or at least, the name was)

Valzog was basically The Dark Soldier from BBS. rather than make a claim to him with no knowledge whether i really could or not, i'm just saying it belongs to SE/Disney

and the kid king was Einon. all of those were from the Universal Pictures movie Dragonheart.

with all due respect,
Merlin326
 

bizness86

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Merlin326 said:
i think this should be closed now that the story itself is complete.
what of the people who haven't yet read and actually want to comment on the story...?​
 

Merlin326

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what of the people who haven't yet read and actually want to comment on the story...?​

the problem with that is this: i recall there being a rule about people posting so much after the story itself is done, since it is considered spam. not positive on this, but i'm fairly sure. however, i will keep it open until i have the sequel up, so readers will know where to find it.

So, you're going to make a separate thread for the sequel?

yes.

with all due respect,
Merlin326
 
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