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Fanfiction ► Kingdom Hearts: Betrayal



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cananthegreat

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what kind of sick question is that
I am writing a story based on the kingdom hearts series...


TIMELINE:


It is set 10 years after the events of kingdom hearts 2



STORYLINE


Its a very disjointed storyline (yes i'm going for the nomura approach :blush:)

The Main character is Vires who is (surprisingly) The spitting image of roxas

this is because sora made his mark on the world u see it every day everywhere

But roxas his counter part made his mark on the world physically

Therefore Ven:past Roxas:present Vires:future


But does this mean he is already a nobody???


all in good time my friends...


Epilogue

The pain is too much , It ends now...
It should've ended a long time ago, but i sat On My Throne
dwindling the time away

Must not live in the past,
The past can't be changed now,


Years I have spent, In the darkness of my heart...



But why did the keyblade choose me?

No , I don't care
I've seen the darkness in my heart,

I'm ready,
It will end now...




Chapter 1 coming very soon!!!
 
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cananthegreat

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Alright this is Like half of chapter 1 and i'm trying to remind myself to write more into the chapters.


Chapter 1: Twilight Town

Perception in the air with a vague menace. Not much left of Twilight Town now , the heartless get everywhere, ignorant pests.They never know where they are , but they destroy it all the same.The yellow fluorescent eyes give away nothing of their personality.He doesn't like this place. The silence.The empty tram , going nowhere. The air here is thick, and the atmosphere bleak, but in a happy sort of way.
Vires lent over the shop counter and peered in, darkness, all to familiar to him. He squinted up a steep slope, when a small chubby boy came ambling down the road. He stopped in front of Vires to catch his breath. His body was sketchy and flickered like a neon light, gone with age.He looked up at Vires with big brown eyes.
"Hi, i'm Pence" He put his hand out to greet him. Vires stared at him uneasily, Pence looked happy even though he wasn't a cheerful boy. Baggy jeans and a shirt that didn't fit, Vires needed to remind himself.
"He's not real" He whispered. He looked up towards Pence, his eyes gave away how uncomfortable he was, his hand still stretched out.He fumbled for a topic.
"Umm...have you finished the summer homework, Independent studies, what a drag!" He laughed nervously.
Vires couldn't control himself.
"No...I didn't know we had any." He answered smiling.
"Vires!!! Do not make friends with people...in here" Regan shouted from up the slope his blonde hair shining in the synthetic sun.Vires apologised to Pence.The keyblade materialised in his hands, and with a swift knock on the head. Pence eyes rolled in his head and he collapsed in a heap.
 
Nyangoro

Nyangoro

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Hmm, as others have said, this is interesting. It makes me want to read more, lol! Your descriptiveness could use some work, but other than that, there wasn't much conceptually wrong here (granted, it isn't long enough yet for me to accurately comment on any other part of the conceptual aspect of writing).

EDIT: COMMENTS/CORRECTIONS IN BOLD

cananthegreat said:
Chapter 1: Twilight Town

Perception in the air with a vague menace. (This sentence doesn't really make sense to me, that's all, lol) Not much left of Twilight Town now; (If you want these to clauses to be in the same sentence, than you need a semi-colon, not a comma) the heartless were (works better than "get", imo) everywhere, ignorant pests.They never know where they are , but they destroy it all the same.The yellow fluorescent eyes give away nothing of their personality.He doesn't like this place. The silence.The empty tram , going nowhere. The air here is thick, and the atmosphere bleak, but in a happy sort of way. (I noticed that this is in present tense, and the rest is past tense. You should really stick to one or the other, but past gives you a lot more flexibility.)
Vires lent (It should be "leaned". "Lent" is a 40 day period of fasting and prayer that is practiced by certain denominations of Christianity.) over the shop counter and peered in. Darkness, all to familiar to him. He squinted up a steep slope, (Poor word choice. This implies that Vires just happened to be focusing intently on the slope, and then a boy came down. Normally, the latter would come first.) when a small chubby boy came ambling down the road. He stopped in front of Vires to catch his breath. His body was sketchy and flickered like a neon light, gone with age.He looked up at Vires with big brown eyes.
"Hi, i'm Pence" He put his hand out to greet him. Vires stared at him uneasily, Pence looked happy even though he wasn't a cheerful boy. Baggy jeans and a shirt that didn't fit, Vires needed to remind himself. (this should be added below with a comma after it, followed by the words, "He's not real". Then, you need to remove "he whispered". Either that, or get rid of this sentence all together)
"He's not real" He whispered. He looked up towards Pence, his eyes gave away how uncomfortable he was, his hand still stretched out.He fumbled for a topic.
"Umm...have you finished the summer homework, Independent studies, what a drag!" He laughed nervously.
Vires couldn't control himself.
"No...I didn't know we had any." He answered smiling.
"Vires!!! Do not make friends with people...in here" Regan shouted from up the slope his blonde hair shining in the synthetic sun.Vires apologised to Pence.The keyblade materialised in his hands, and with a swift knock on the head. Pence eyes rolled in his head and he collapsed in a heap.
Click to expand...

Next time, put a space between paragraphs. It makes them easier to read :)
 
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cananthegreat

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Sorry , this is a very short chapter and i am truly sorry :lol:


Chapter 2: Memories?

"You know, i think i've met him before" Vires laughed scratching his head as if he was afraid to put the statement out into the open. Regan turned and raised an eyebrow. He hated the way Vires could be so easily distracted. His mind pulled him back to the olympus collisseum when they had spent a full two hours with the great hercules,
because he thought he had lost his cape.Regan on the other hand just wanted to get the job in hand done and not get caught up in pointless tasks of social activity. They stepped out of a gap in a collection of trees and came to an enormous, beautiful mansion.
"Woh!" Regan smiled to himself as Vires looked on in amazement. They had both been there before, but one of them was unable to remember it.

Vires rattled the big black gates, the paint had dripped down the framework and bars of the gate were missing in places. Regan pulled on an odd sized padlock that looked like it had been fixed on much later than the gates had been there. He smirked.
"Maybe that big hunk of metal will come in useful, eh?" He chuckled. Vires laughed half heartedly looking at the keyblade. Regan acted as if the keyblade wasn't even there, like he had seen it all before. But Vires didn't know, thats why he kept it with him. In actual fact, he couldn't lose it. It's reappearing act had gotten very old. But somehow he knew it would be of use to him one day.

He stood side on and pointed the tip of the keyblade at the lock. Nothing. He shook it about a bit. No result. He turned to Regan who was tapping an invisible watch on his wrist and yawning sarcasticly.


I make a promise to you the next chapters WILL be longer!!!! lol
 
Nyangoro

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It's certainly an improvement over the last chapter. Not much to comment on, story-wise. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, and your description's are better (though, a bit inconsistent).

Keep up the good work and get better!
 
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