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Fanfiction ► Kingdom hearts: A new journey



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Member XIII

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Apr 7, 2006
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CHAPTER 1----Twilight town
Well i was bored when i did this, so i did this
story for fun. Enjoy!


It is another day in twilight town. The sun shining like always, and the train's loud noise moving across the track. It has been a year since Sora's last visit.


(Tired and sleepy, Hayner groans a sleepy moan)

Olette: Wake up hayner! We have to go to the item shop-and quick!
Hayner: Why?
Olette: Questions asked later! C'mon!

(Hayner and olette quickly run to the item shop only to find the owner dead)

Hayner: (Frowns) Who did this??
Olette: Sorry that your father died...
Hayner: (shouts) Tell me who did this-NOW!
Olette: (scared) Some white creature walked off into the station so-

(More White creatures apprear, one with blood on its hand)

Hayner: DIEEEE!!!!!

(As hayner rushes to these..things...He breathes his last breath.

_____________________________________________________________
It's short, but i hope you still like it!
Comment on it please.
 

Golden_x_Heart

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Jan 14, 2006
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34
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Umm...listen, first of all -

DON'T USE SCRIPT.

Second of all, if that's a chappy, well, make the next one about seven times longer.

Third, Olette and Hayner seem OoC. Fix it.

I can't tell where your going to take this story. It seems like it had no base.

You did say to comment, so I did.

<3
 

Captain JSparrow

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Apr 10, 2006
Messages
26
LOL

so random its funny, while I do agree with the above post
I wouldn't have said it so bluntly

but Golden heart is right
first script is kind of annoying, all it has are actions and dialogue, so unless you're writing a parody, its best to stick to novel form.
um use more adjectives, verbs, definately more description.
golden heart is also right about the chapter, a chapter doesn't need to be a specific length so don't feel obligated to write a HUGE chapter.
but the chapter does need to have at least in my opinion about 4-7 paragraphs, each paragraph about 3-5 sentences
sadly i must also agree that your story seems so random and pointless (I swear im not trying to insult you) that it seems more like a parody.
you said you were just bored and thought this up so it pobably is parody.
and if it is by all means you can write anyway you want, but if you aim for a serous Fan Fic, you need plot, descriptions, etc.
 

Captain JSparrow

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Apr 10, 2006
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like i said if you're just writing for no point whatsoever just to pass time then no need to listen to my comments
but if you're serious about a fan fic then they're just pointers
 
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