Okay, I tried to give this story a shot, but the first line is supposed to be the hook-- the thing that makes me want to keep reading. And the first thing that I read is:
1) The grammar in the quoted sentence could be better.
2) "mourning classes" would be "classes in which we are taught how to mourn". Y'know, like "math classes" are "classes in which we are taught about mathematics".
3) Never start a story with dialogue. I mean, you can, but it doesn't give the reader anything to judge the story. "Mother died today," is an interesting beginning (from Camus' "The Stranger"), as the reader is instantly aware that the beginning pages will be on the character's mother, and it might even give us some detail on their relationship, and the story has a good chance of stemming off of the death of the main character's mother.
"Hmp i've got a big day ahead of me now with my girlfriend and mourning classes with her so.." doesn't tell us much of what the next few pages will be about. In fact, the poor grammar tells me, the reader, that the rest of the story's quality is not going to be "up to par," and I probably shouldn't go on... and I'm not going to go on.
But the premise of this story is good, I think. Not the most original, as there's Solar's "Shades of Blue" which has to do with this site and murder, and there was another story that was about this site and murder, too. I just don't remember much if anything about it. Basically what I'm trying to say is that you need to have decent grammar and storytelling skills to make your story, which isn't as original as it could be, stand out from the rest of the crowd.
