Fanfiction ► KH: Hidden Apprentice

[Gizelita]

This is my first fanfic and I felt like sharing. There's also a sequel so if you like it I could post that one too.
Introduction

It wasn't very long since Xehanort had become a keyblade master, at that day he was walking through Radiant Garden thoughtful when he bumped into a girl that looked more or less 11 years old, her green eyes were glowing with hapiness and light could be felt from her, she looked at Xehanort and with her tiny voice she said "Sorry, I didn't see you." "No, problem." Xehanorth said "What's your name?" he asked looking at the little girl "I'm Xuffie, nice to meet you." the girl said hapilly "I'm master Xehanort, nice to meet you too." Xehanort said looking at the girl's eyes "Where are you from? I've never seem you around." now Xuffie was looking carefully at the 'mysterious' man "You'd better go home, it's getting late." Xahanorth wanted to end the conversation before the girl found out about other worlds "Ok." the young one said as she run to a road near the square they were in "I'd better take this girl to Yen Sid, she has something especial." Xehanort said turning around and walking away. Xuffie stopped not far from the square and as she observed Xehanorth dissapearing in the distance a sad smile appeared on her face "I wonder if someday I'll have a true home." she said before running away.

On the other day Xehanort woke up early and walked around the town looking for the girl that he met the other day. He found her at the square with two other boys more or less by the same age, they were talking while eating seasalt ice cream, he decided to wait till they stopped talking, some time later the boys went out and left Xuffie alone, at this time Xehanort went near her "Who were those two Xuffie?" he asked puttin his hands on Xuffie's shoulder "Just my friends." Xuffie said looking at him a bit surprised "I was wondering, would your parents let you make a little journey?" Xehanort asked going directly to the point "If I had parents." Xuffie said taking Xehanort's hand off her shoulder "Good, I think I know the right place for you. Do you know what this is?" the keyblade master summoned his keyblade "No, what is it?" the girl looked at the keyblade interested "You'll find out soon enough." Xehanort said while the keyblade dissapeared in front of the girls eyes.

 

[Vani]

pretty good so far. you should create a new paragraph everytime someon talks though. other then that id like to read more. also try to make your fanfics longer.

 

[Gizelita]

Well that's the intro so I couldn't make it so long. This story goes till chapter 6 I think.
[FONT=&quot]Chapter 1
After some tests Xuffie was left at a little room while master Xehanort and master Yen Sid talked "So, she really can be a keyblade master?" Xhanort asked excited "You've already seem that she can wield a keyblade, but pay attention, she has much light in her, and great darkness as well, train the girl to the light not darkness, she's your apprentice now." Yen Sid said while opening the door that leaded to the room where Xuffie was.
When the young girl saw the two of them coming she got up and looked at them with her glowing greem eyes "Come Xuffie, you'rfe my apprentice." Xehanort said with a friendly tone and a smiloe "Yes master." the girl followed her master trying to hide her excitment. From that day on Xehanort trained Xuffie to use her darkness, but everything wasn't going so well as expected, the girl was afraid of the darkness, he wanted her to complete the X-blade, but no matter as hard as he tried to make her side the darkness she wouldn't. One day Xehanort went with Xuffie to their normal training place but instead of training he called the girl to talk a bit:
"My dear apprentice, if you really want to become a strong keyblade master why don't you use the power of darkness to help you?"
"Bue master Eraqus and master Yen Sid said to me to hold on to the light and not to fall to the darkness."
"Why do you pay attention to what they say?! Am I not your master?!" Xehanort summoned his keyblade already getting nervous.
"Yes but..."
"No excuses! This is an order I want to see what you can do!" with his keyblade on hands Xehanort attacked Xuffie.
Fastly the girl blocked the attack "Please master, I don't want to fight you."
"Lets see what your power of light can do." Xehanort continued attacking as the apprentice tried to divert from the attacks.
For the first time Xuffie battled her master, as expected she lost, laying on the ground Xuffie thought of what she did to make ker master so upset, for the first time she felt hate for someone, but didn't let this feeling show. "You should learn to listen to what I say, I'm your master, not Yen Sid or Eraqus." Xehanort said walking around her, no other day passed that Xuffie didn't think of her master with hate, but she was not brave enough to show it, so the only thing she could do was train hard and try to do everything right.[/FONT]

 

[Vani]

again, start a paragraph for every dialouge.
i like the idea and all but its moving by too fast. Give some time for the characters to develop and don't rush. take the time to explain things throughly.

 

[Chaosmax]

I have to agree with Vanitas97, its great but its moving way too fast(I had the same problem with my fanfics). Great job though I like the story so far.

 

[Gizelita]

I'll try to work on that for the next chapters, I'll post them tomorrow though because I have to rewrite them, and thanks for the tips Vanitas97 and Chaosmax.

 

[Annoyance]

I'll try to work on that for the next chapters, I'll post them tomorrow though because I have to rewrite them, and thanks for the tips Vanitas97 and Chaosmax.

It actually helps your story's progression if you edit what you have as you do put it out. When I write I read through it a billion times. I still do.

At the very least, you should indent between paragraphs so it's easier to read.

This will also help you practice for the next chapter rather than going on blind faith that what you're doing is what we're talking about.

 

[Gizelita]

This story is complete, already typed and everything, so the only thing I need to do now is review the points you've showed me. I'll reedit these other chapters later so. Thanks you too.