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Fanfiction ► K.H. In the Stars

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New member
Oct 18, 2007
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Wandering outside in the cold, looking for someone
To anyone who reads this, I'd appreciate any criticisms or ideas you have for upcoming chapters.

Chapter 1
It Begins​

Darkness. Darkness everywhere. He tried to look around but can't see anything.

There's no ground under him but he's standing.Suddenly there's a girl in front of him. She has blond hair, green eye's, she's tall and slender, and she has a long blue dress. She looks at him like she's seeing an old friend.

"Why are you here again?" she asks.

"I don't know." he tells her.

"This is a place of darkness. They put me here but you shouldn't be here."

"I don't know why I'm here. Who are you?"

"I"m Julia. Who are you?"

"I'm ...." he can't say his name.


"I'm ...." he still can't speak


Sora sits up in his bed and quickly hits his head on the bottom of the bunk above him. He grabs his head and rolls over then falls out of his bunk and lands face down on the floor. He sits up and looks at the face that appeared in the screen on the wall behind him.

"Ouch! Geez captain, do you have to yell like that?" asked Sora as he slowly rubs the spot where he hit his head.

"Sorry but you didn't wake up the first few times I called you." said the face with big round eye's, large black ear's that twitched to betray his amusement, and a black nose that finished the appearance of a mouse.

"Okay, okay, what is it?" asked Sora as he stood up in his shorts and baggy T-shirt.

"We got a job. Head up to the deck and I'll fill in the rest." said the captain as the screen flashed to black.

Sora got up and looked around to try and find a pair of clean clothes, in a room inhabited by three teenage boys. He took a chance and looked in the closet. Luckily he found a clean pair of baggy pants, black with yellow and red stripes and pockets. And a shirt that was blue with a jacket that was also black with a hood, some hoops and pockets, and yellow stripes on it. He slipped on his usual pair of gloves that only reached up to his middle knuckles and medal medallions in the middle on the back of each one.

He nearly tripped getting his shoe's on as he rushed out the door and headed past walls of smooth metal some with buttons on them. He reached the place he was headed and went through a pair of sliding doors and came into a large room with the entire front wall being air tight glass showing an endless expanse of black space dotted everywhere with stars and planets.

On some controls to his left there was a duck like creature wearing a blue shirt with a blue jacket decorated with hoops and zippers and a blue cap on his head. In a small pit near the window was a large dog like being that was steering the ship wearing brown pants, a green sweater over which he had a small black vest. And finally in a seat overlooking everything was the captain with a computer checking things out.

"Donald, how's our fuel levels?" he asked

"We're fine captain Mickey." replied the duck with a squawking voice.

"Goofy, are our directions set?"

"As set as they can be cap'm." spoke up the dog.

"So you're finally here ,huh Sora." said a boy with dirty blond hair spiking out in all directions. He had on black pants with white coverings, a black shirt with red at the collar, and a white jacket with pockets. He had a white ring on his ring finger and a black ring on his middle finger followed by a black and white checkered bracelet all on his left hand.

"Did you expect him to be on time for once Roxas?" asked another boy, obviously one year older than the other two. He wore long blue pants that were worn out, a black shirt with a zipper down the front, a sleeveless yellow and white vest over it with pockets and his left hand was wrapped up to the bottom of his thumb in some white cloth. His hair was gray and hung down to his shoulders, also covering his eye's.

"Shut up Riku!" said Sora. Roxas and Sora could have passed as brothers by their similar looks but they really looked alike through their bright blue eye's. In contrast to Riku's dull aqua green eye's.

"All of you calm down. We've just got a job request from Selphon. They have a Heartless problem and we're going to help them." spoke up the captain over the following argument.

"They're willing to pay 8,000 munny for a good group of chasers." said Goofy.

"8,000 munny huh? This can't just be a simple extermination job." said Riku with his arms crossed.

"Maybe, but we can't just leave them to fight the Heartless by themselves." said Sora with an amazing amount of conviction in his voice.

"So it's decided then? We're going to Selphon." said the captain as he began typing away at his computer and Goofy adjusted their course.

Roxas turned away and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" asked Sora

"I'm heading down to the storage room for some practice, anyone wanna join me?" replied Roxas, a challenge in his voice.

"I'll take you up on that offer." said Sora quick to follow him.

They turned to see Riku shake his head so they took the elevator down found a good open spot among the huge wooden and steel crates. They both summoned their keyblades, Sora had the Sleeping Lion, a silver and black blade and guard that had a cross like projection at the end. Roxas held the red and black Guardian Soul.

They stood facing each other, in their fighting stance's. Sora was the first to move, he ran with amazing speed at Roxas and tried for a strait across slash. Roxas blocked then twisted around and while deflecting the attack and attacked at the new opening. Sora brought his blade over and blocked, Roxas' blade was pushed back but he quickly switched hands and followed up with a second swipe. They held their keyblades against each other and pushed with both hands. There was a flash of light and they were both pushed back, sliding on their feet.

As soon as Sora stopped Roxas was right in front of him with a barrage of attacks. Sora had to start backing away to dodge and block all the incoming blows. He felt his heels against the wall then decided to push back and slashed at Roxas. Roxas' attack connected and sent Sora across the floor with a cut down his left arm but Sora's attack also hit and Roxas was forced to back off unless he wanted a worse cut across his chest.

Sora recovered from his tumbling and lay low to the ground holding his keyblade out and balancing himself with his free hand and feet. They looked at each other then charged and exchanged blows and attacks, sparks flying with every connection of their blades. It continued until a loud siren sounded followed by a voice.

"Hey you two, quit your playing around and get up here. We've arrived at Selphon."


New member
May 28, 2007
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Since this is on the first page I'll throw in my critique of it.

You've caught my interest. It has a good style and tone to it, but the battle scene is bland and lacks emotion. It captures the speed of battle but not the emotions of battle. Just work on that and a few of your descriptions and the writing will be pretty good.

The grammar lacks in a few places, mainly when it comes to possessives. Instead of "Riku's aqua green eye's" it should be "Riku's aqua green eyes." Understand? I caught that mistake a couple of times through the thing.

It has potential, and I'd like to see where it is going.
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