I must preface this by saying that I needed to write this quickly without much thought. I had to feel this out. I couldn't hold on to this for long, or else it would become something else. My thoughts might read as contradicting or incoherent but I had to get them out. Hopefully some of y'all might connect with some of it.
It's hard you know. It's hard to admit that something you love, something that gave you comfort and confidence might not be for you anymore. Yes, I'm talking about Kingdom Hearts, but thinking about it, this goes further and broader.
This won't be a rant or trashing of this series, or any other for that matter. This is a personal introspective look to my feelings and relationships with the media I've consumed. I must admit, I've struck a low point and yeah it sucks, but when you're left alone with those thoughts you begin to think and feel...a lot. When I'm feeling those doubts and emotions, I turn to media, especially movies and series. So I started watching one my favorite political space operas when a line struck me. A line that is severely misunderstood by its community.
But why? Why should I let go of things that bring me joy? Comfort? That doesn't make sense! Why would they say something like that to a character that needs the opposite?! Why did the writer or in this case, the franchise creator write that. Attachment is a key principle or theme of that series, one that again, is misunderstood. Attachments are the binding connections between us? Are they not? But then again, if you're bound, it can be tugged and constricting, creating a tension between the two. Is that ok? Not every bond is perfect but ideally it shouldn't have to come to that, I least I think so. And that's how I feel with Kingdom Hearts and select media.
Recalling the quote and its message, I think that my attachments to these series might have been warped by fear and insecurity, which in turn feels like I lack control. Control. If I can't control or have it, then is it really mine? Or am I approaching this with the wrong mentality? That's the thing, isn't it? I fear losing something I love, something that shaped and brought me solace. I'm scared to let go.
What does it mean to let go then? Who am I saying goodbye to? The kid? The kid who saw that commercial in 2002 and was temporarily transported to another world? The kid who found peace with characters that raised him through the 90's and early 2000s? The journey he had until late 2013? The feelings of grandeur, of sadness and loss, of brimming joy! The persona that was molded and hardened by those games and movies. How can I say goodbye to myself? I still remain so how I can do that?
It's scary. I don't want to let go of that. At least I think I don't, but what else can I do? If not then, all that I have left is intoxicating nostalgia and resentment to what is, because of what was. That's not to absolve any franchise of questionable choices, like sexist or shoddy writing, but ultimately I have control over me. I control my feelings on the matter, not some old Japanese man and his team. Because it is so easy to blame then, and make myself the saint. The victim in all this, after all i'm losing something dear to me while they continue. But it doesn't matter, the world turns and I have to catch up, lest I'm left behind in my nostalgia and brooding. If I'm left to those thoughts, then they will fester and turn into hate, which if i'm honest, I've felt already.
I don't want to be hater, cause the bitterness isn't pretty, despite the short pleasure it gives. It can be addictive even to relish in that anger and resentment. I think it's because it validates the experience you had as valid but to turn to that anger? Ultimately, it's not healthy because it's obsessive, and if you truly love it then you shouldn't fear it? Which connects to the ultimate message of that space opera.
That's where I'm at. At the end of it, suffering over something that I love. What's left to do?
Unlearn.
Let go.
Ease myself of that loss.
Rejoice of what once was.
But I will not mourn.
It all remains in some form, be it memories or feelings, but it has to be channeled into something of value and betterment. Hopefully I can arrive at a space where I can operate it with indifference instead of anger. Like I said, it all remains in some form.
PS: I wanna thank my therapist for this exercise.
It's hard you know. It's hard to admit that something you love, something that gave you comfort and confidence might not be for you anymore. Yes, I'm talking about Kingdom Hearts, but thinking about it, this goes further and broader.
This won't be a rant or trashing of this series, or any other for that matter. This is a personal introspective look to my feelings and relationships with the media I've consumed. I must admit, I've struck a low point and yeah it sucks, but when you're left alone with those thoughts you begin to think and feel...a lot. When I'm feeling those doubts and emotions, I turn to media, especially movies and series. So I started watching one my favorite political space operas when a line struck me. A line that is severely misunderstood by its community.
Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.
But why? Why should I let go of things that bring me joy? Comfort? That doesn't make sense! Why would they say something like that to a character that needs the opposite?! Why did the writer or in this case, the franchise creator write that. Attachment is a key principle or theme of that series, one that again, is misunderstood. Attachments are the binding connections between us? Are they not? But then again, if you're bound, it can be tugged and constricting, creating a tension between the two. Is that ok? Not every bond is perfect but ideally it shouldn't have to come to that, I least I think so. And that's how I feel with Kingdom Hearts and select media.
Recalling the quote and its message, I think that my attachments to these series might have been warped by fear and insecurity, which in turn feels like I lack control. Control. If I can't control or have it, then is it really mine? Or am I approaching this with the wrong mentality? That's the thing, isn't it? I fear losing something I love, something that shaped and brought me solace. I'm scared to let go.
What does it mean to let go then? Who am I saying goodbye to? The kid? The kid who saw that commercial in 2002 and was temporarily transported to another world? The kid who found peace with characters that raised him through the 90's and early 2000s? The journey he had until late 2013? The feelings of grandeur, of sadness and loss, of brimming joy! The persona that was molded and hardened by those games and movies. How can I say goodbye to myself? I still remain so how I can do that?
It's scary. I don't want to let go of that. At least I think I don't, but what else can I do? If not then, all that I have left is intoxicating nostalgia and resentment to what is, because of what was. That's not to absolve any franchise of questionable choices, like sexist or shoddy writing, but ultimately I have control over me. I control my feelings on the matter, not some old Japanese man and his team. Because it is so easy to blame then, and make myself the saint. The victim in all this, after all i'm losing something dear to me while they continue. But it doesn't matter, the world turns and I have to catch up, lest I'm left behind in my nostalgia and brooding. If I'm left to those thoughts, then they will fester and turn into hate, which if i'm honest, I've felt already.
I don't want to be hater, cause the bitterness isn't pretty, despite the short pleasure it gives. It can be addictive even to relish in that anger and resentment. I think it's because it validates the experience you had as valid but to turn to that anger? Ultimately, it's not healthy because it's obsessive, and if you truly love it then you shouldn't fear it? Which connects to the ultimate message of that space opera.
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
That's where I'm at. At the end of it, suffering over something that I love. What's left to do?
Unlearn.
Let go.
Ease myself of that loss.
Rejoice of what once was.
But I will not mourn.
It all remains in some form, be it memories or feelings, but it has to be channeled into something of value and betterment. Hopefully I can arrive at a space where I can operate it with indifference instead of anger. Like I said, it all remains in some form.
PS: I wanna thank my therapist for this exercise.