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Fanfiction ► Indelible Darkness: Part 1- Chains of Fate



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Lancelot

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You're doing a brilliant job of this bro, keep it up. I loved the latest chapter too
 

Nyangoro

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It's not bad. It's always interesting to here an alternate telling of a story that people know so well. However, as someone else mentioned, the story does feel choppy.

It feels halting, staggered, and doesn't flow at all. From what I can tell, that's mostly do to how you structure your sentences. You place a lot of unneeded commas, breaking up the sentence. It forces the reader to pause every time they see one. If you use too many, it can get annoying. Your descriptions are good (though they could always improve). Right now, just work on varying your sentences (long, short, compound, etc.).

All and all, it's interesting and has a lot of potential. Keep up the hard work!
 

Max

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Thanks everyone, I really appreciate you reading^^ I'll try to get chapter 4 done as soon as I get back (I'll be gone for two weeks at my aunts, and she doesnt have internet, I leave Sunday)

And thanks Raven, I'll try to pay attention when I'm writing as to where I put in unneeded commas, and I will continue to work on description.

Thanks again everybody^^
 

Max

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(well, I was afraid of this. No one else posted after my last post, so i am forced to double post to bump this up with new chapter. and for those of you who read my last post, im not going away for two weeks now.)

Anyway, heres chapter 4. I must apologize, this chapter is prbably going to be kind of boring. I tried to put it together real nice, and keep some deeper story running, its just there is no action. I couldnt fit any in this chapter, but be expecting nothing but action once we hit chapter 5XD

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Chapter 4: Struck by Lightning

“Nice to meet you too...” I was speechless. This girl was beautiful, and I felt dumb just standing there staring at her. I felt... jittery. Worst of all I had more important things that needed taken care of.

“Um, Riku?”

“Wh-what is it Lerane?”

“There something on my face?”

“No, no, no! It’s just... There’s a cut on your face.” Nice save.

She put her hand to her cheek and just laughed, “Oh, it doesn’t hurt that bad, you got to me before the heartless did any real damage, and the nobodies didn’t even get to me.”

“You know about the heartless and the nobodies?”

“Well yeah, I learned all about them from master Yen Sid.”

“Master Yen Sid? That’s where I was headed when I found you.”

“What a coincidence, that’s where I was headed before I was attacked, we should go together,” she said to me as she smiled and grabbed my hand.

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

She pulled me along, and we passed the ticket booth, and got on a strange purple train.

“We didn’t pay,” I told her as we sat down.

“We don’t have to to head to Yen Sid’s tower. Don’t ask me why, but they never make us.”

I found it strange that there was no train fare, but I wasn’t going to complain. I wondered why DIZ wanted me to visit Yen Sid. What exactly was Yen Sid going to tell me? How would this help? Did he maybe know where Sora and Kairi were? Or maybe he knew more about my darkness.

“Riku, we’re here,” Lerane told me as the train stopped.

We got off, and before us stood a humongous tower. There were many bushes lined up along the pathway leading to the entrance of the tower.

“There are a bunch of steps, but bear with me ok,” Lerane said as she grabbed my hand once more, and we began our ascent.

There were many, many stairs, and every so often we’d come to a room. The rooms were lit up with a bunch of bizarre lights, and we would just walk straight through them and continue up more stairs.

“So Riku, why do you need to see Master Yen Sid?” Lerane asked me.

“Well, how many more stairs are there?”

“Haha, a bunch.”

I told her everything. I totally opened up, and told her all about my dreams, the darkness, the keyblade, Sora, Kairi... And not once did she say anything. She watched me, and listened intently as I spoke. She actually tripped once because she wasn’t paying attention to where she was walking, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“So, this DIZ man thinks Master Yen Sid can help you find your friends?”

“Well, I’m not sure what Yen Sid will do,” I told her, “But I need to find out whatever I can.”

“Oh, we made it to the top, come on, lets go,” Lerane said in a happy toned voice as we entered.

Once inside the top floor room, there was a man looking out his window, speaking to a very short person with round ears.

“Lerane, you made it back?” The man said. As he turned around, I saw he had a very long white beard, and he wore a blue robe, with a tall and pointy blue hat.

“Yes, why master?” Lerane asked the man I now presumed to be Yen Sid. “You sound surprised.”

Yen Sid had a very serious look on his face as he approached Lerane and said, “Some time after you left, I had a very bad feeling. I told you when I read the stars I felt you should remain indoors today, yet you left your house to come here, and you left again to return to town! So just as you left my tower, I felt harm may come your way, and even if I chased after you, it may be too late... I also saw you forgot your daggers here, and I know you have trouble wielding your magic without them. I just had a feeling your fate was sealed in Twilight Town...”

“I’m sorry Master,” Lerane said as a sincere apology, “But I really wanted to see the struggle today... I was too late anyway, it was over by the time I got there, and I felt horrible for not listening to you, so I was hurrying back, and I was attacked. But Riku saved me, so it was all okay.”

“Riku?” Yen Sid asked as he turned his head and looked at me, “But you’re supposed to- No. Never mind. Apparently, the all knowing Yen Sid needs to stop trusting silly things such as stars, and watch thing with his own eyes.”

“So you’re Yen Sid?” I asked him, even though I really already knew, “DIZ sent me to talk to you.”

Yen Sid placed his hand on my forehead, and closed his eyes.

“What’re you-“

“Quiet Riku,” Lerane whispered to me, “He’s concentrating.”

“So that’s what you chose is it?” Yen Sid quietly muttered, “Well then, I suppose I know the next course of action.”

“What?” I asked him. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“Master Yen Sid read your life’s journey up to now through your memories,” the person with round ears said as he walked over, “My name is Mickey, Mickey Mouse, nice to meet you Riku.”

“You too Mickey,” I reached my hand out and shook his hand.”

“Mickey, this is the one you seek,” Yen Sid said to Mickey.

“Really?” Mickey redirected his stare to me, “Do you wield the keyblade Riku?”

“Yes I do,” I told Mickey.

“Well then, that was easier than I thought.”

Yen Sid looked over at me as he went over to his desk and sat down. “Okay then, Mickey, escort Riku and Lerane to the ship DIZ was asking me to hold. It was meant for you and this boy anyway I do believe. There, you all may decide your courses of action, whether they be together, or separate.

“Okay,” Mickey said as he began walking toward a window, “Follow me you two.” I looked out the window he was approaching, and I could see some sort of ship floating out there.

“Wait a second, what was it that DIZ said you would tell me?” I asked Yen Sid.

“Well, if I recall, DIZ told you this would be your first step towards truth. Nothing should be expected of me, although I will tell you that to find what you seek, you should go with King Mickey.”

“I guess you’re right. Well this is all I have going for me right now, so I will go with King- Did you say ‘King’ Mickey?!”

“Haha, yup, I’m a King alright. King of Disney Castle,” Mickey told me, “But lets not talk about that around anyone else, all right. I’m trying to keep a low cover.”

“Master, did you say I was to go with them?” Lerane asked Yen Sid.

“Yes, you will go with Riku and help him on his journey,” Yen Sid said to Lerane. “I have no more to teach you, and I can feel your heart. It wants to go with the person that saved your life, so you can protect them.”

“Okay, Master. Then I’m going with Riku,” Lerane said as she picked up some daggers laying on Yen Sid’s desk. “Don’t worry Riku, I won’t be a burden, as long as I have my daggers, I’m an excellent fighter, and I am great at magic!”

“Alright then, I’ll be glad to have you along,” I told her. I really was happy I didn’t have to part ways with her so soon. I felt a warmth in my heart... Was this my light? But my light had never felt like this before, the few times it seemed to show up. Was this her light?

“I mostly favor thunder attribute magic, so watch out!” she seemed to jokingly say to me.

“Well you two, lets hurry up and get out of here,” Mickey said, and Lerane and I followed him into the ship.

~~~

He was flying the ship. We were in space, and it was fantastic! The stars never seemed to shine so bright, and when I looked over at Lerane, she was smiling as she watched the stars pass us by too. As we watched the stars, I told my story yet again, this time for Mickey to hear.

After I told my story, Mickey glanced back at us. “Here Lerane, change into this robe,” Mickey said as he passed her back a black robe.

“It looks just like Riku’s,” she said as she went into a room further back in the ship to change. She got back in no time at all, and took her seat again.

“Yes, I’m going to wear one too. I didn’t think I would need one, at least not yet, but since Riku had his, I figured you and I should take the precaution now too, so I got more from DIZ. If anything happens to the ones we have now, we do have spares,” Mickey said to Lerane.

“So where are we going?” I asked Mickey. I was curious, nothing was said to either of us about where we were headed.

“Well, with the stars going out, or worlds being destroyed if you will, there are many things that need done. One of which is the keyholes to many worlds will need sealed. This can only be done with a keyblade. Once someone does this, the heartless are prevented from overthrowing that world in masses, the world is pretty much saved. When I talked to Yen Sid, he told me someone else with a key was already doing this. Lerane, you already know about all of this, for I’m sure Yen Sid explained it all.” Mickey said.

“Someone else has a keyblade?” I asked Mickey.

“Yes, according to Yen Sid,” Mickey said, “I sent my two most trusted companions to search for them, and Yen Sid said they are together, which is why I was surprised to find you. Then, I, also have a keyblade. So, I asked Yen Sid and he said the other wielder is sealing keyholes. I plan on searching for Kingdom Hearts and the Organization. As for you, the first step in the plan was to take you to Hollow Bastion, where I hope you and Lerane can take down the group gathering the Princesses of heart. If you did this, one of our major problems would be out of the way, and your friend Kairi would be safe. You may also be able to find out where she is there.”

“Then please, take us there!” I exclaimed. I was anxious, if I could find out where Kairi was there, perhaps Sora would be there too, “Together, Lerane and I can take these guys out, I know it!”

“Okay then,” Mickey said,” I’ll take you two to Hollow Bastion then.”

Lerane smiled, and looked over at me. “Leave it to us your majesty, me and Riku will take them out in no time at all.”

To be continued...

~You are free to break the chains of fate that bind you~
 
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Aria

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This is really good! Andokay I jsut notieced this but Lerane+X=Larxene... coincidence?
 

Nelo Angelo

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Sorry with the lateness bro, but I read em both and thought they were great! This Larene girl is interesting ;) As someone mentioned though, try not to make it too choppy and break it down too much. But your descriptions are good. Keep it up bro, the more you write the better you get. Look forward to the next chap, wonder who the other keyblader is ;P
 

TwilightRiku_13

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Okay, I saw this story before, and I have been meaning to read it, but unfortunately I have been putting it off. Anyway, I finally have had time to read this, and I must say this is a really good story you have here. I really like seeing Riku as the hero instead of the bad guy. Also, I do believe that Lerane is Larxene's somebody; there are just too many similarities. Anyway, great job, and I look forward to the next update.
 

Max

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sorry for the total major lateness, but i was gone for a week, and havnt had the chance to write in a while, but here it is, so i hope you like it.

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Chapter 5: Threads In the Sand and the Queen of the Sea

The King let us off of the ship within these huge waterfalls surrounding a castle. Outside of the waterfalls was a town, but Mickey said there really wasn’t anything left of the town because of the heartless.

“Okay, I’m going to go try and learn more about the Organization, and then I’ll head to the town. You two meet me in the plaza there when you’re finished,” the king said, and then he flew away.

“So I’m presuming they are in this castle,” I said to Lerane as we began the ascent toward the castle.

“Well, there really isn’t anywhere else is there,” Lerane stated rather than asked.

We had to work our way up these rocks that lead to an odd elevator. The elevator ran along this tiny beam of light and it lead almost directly in front of the front doors to the castle.

We made it to the elevator, and when we got on Lerane grabbed a hold of my arm.

“What are you doing?” I asked her trying to sound normal.

“Well don’t want to fall! And there’s nothing else to hold on to, so leave me be.”

“Okay...” That was all I could come up with. I just looked ahead as we approached the end.

“Why aren’t the heartless coming after us, I can smell the darkness overflowing in this place!” Lerane said as we walked toward the doors.

“Perhaps it’s because of the coats we have, and they don’t know we’re here,” I replied.

We made it to the huge double doors leading inside, and we went in.

“No one would suspect we would just stroll right in through the front doors,” Lerane said happily as she smiled and waltzed right inside.

The first room we saw was huge, and there were two staircases on the left and right leading to yet another door, which is where I figured we should head to find these seekers of darkness.

“Wow... Riku, when this is all over, you and I should get a castle this big!” Lerane said as she started dancing around in the middle of the room.”

“Okay Lerane. I promise you that if we get through all of this ok, I’ll get you a castle three times bigger than this one.”

“I’m holding you to that,” She said as she held out her pinky. We pinky swore on it, and the we headed up the left set of stairs and through the door.

“Ugh! More elevators...” Lerane muttered.

I wasn’t that happy about it either. We went on elevator after elevator... Inside, outside... This castle was nothing but a damn maze, and it was pissing me off. After a whole lot of total bull crap walking around the castle in circles, we ended up in another big room, and I saw the group the king spoke of.

“Lerane!” I whispered to her attentively as I grabbed her arm and pulled her over behind a pillar. I didn’t want them to see us, so we remained hidden and listened.

“So the boy has sealed more keyholes?” A woman in a long dark dress asked.

“Yes Maleficent,” A man in a turban said.

“Well Jafar, he’s going to end up in your world next. You’d better not let him get that keyhole, and you had better be back with the princess!” Maleficent seemed to be ordering him.

“So how many are left?” A man with a flame on his head asked.

“Four,” Maleficent answered, “We currently have Snow White, Cinderella, and Alice. All that are left are Aurora, Jasmine, Belle, and Kairi.”

“What about Wendy?” A man with a hook for a hand asked.

“I’ve told you once and I’ll tell you again Hook. Wendy is not a princess! Get it through your head!” Maleficent screamed at him angrily. Now, about that seal...” Maleficent said, and she headed out of the room with an octopus looking lady, the man with the flame on his head, and Hook. Jafar and one other made of... What looked like cloth, remained in the room.

“So, what shall you do now Oogie?” Jafar asked the cloth- man.

“Well, I’m gonna hafta-“

“He’s going to die. And so are you Jafar!” I said as both Lerane and I revealed ourselves. We knew we couldn’t take all six at once, but we figured two should be just fine.

“Who are you?!” Oogie asked, “Wait, I don’t care, all I need to know is... that you are dead!”

Without another word, I brought out the keyblade a charged at them. I jumped up and kicked off of Oogie’s head, and slashed at Jafar’s face!

“A keyblade?! What’s going on? That boy traveling with the King’s lackeys had the key!” Jafar screamed.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re finished!” Oogie screamed over at me, and he started running toward me.

“Not so fast!” Lerane shouted at Oogie, and lightening fast she sprinted past him, and back, slashing at him with her daggers.

The cloth body of Oogie was being ripped apart by Lerane, and Oogie wasn’t nearly fast enough to keep up. He didn’t really seem to have any advantages in the fight, or anything to wield or use to help him out. Bugs... were spilling out of the open gashes.

“You little-“ Jafar raise his staff up, and I jumped up and knocked it out of his hand.

“Not so fast Jafar, your fight is with me,” I said as I smirked at him.

Jafar looked toward his staff, and I got in the way so he couldn’t go after it. He went to shoot this orange lightening at me, and I swiftly dodged it. I ran low along the sides of his magic, and when I was close to him, I spun around real fast and slashed at his legs, making him fall to the ground. He began to try and push himself up, and I swung the keyblade at his back forcing him back down to the ground.

I looked over at Lerane and Oogie, and Oogie was almost noting now. The top of his cloth body was kind of dangling, empty from the bugs coming out, and the bottom was just trying to keep itself standing up. Lerane grabbed the tippy top of Oogie’s cloth head, put one of her daggers on Oogies neck, and began cutting it. When she got all the way across the neck, she began turning Oogies head, and continued to cut, until she cut all the way around it, makeing the rest of the body fall, and the rest of the bugs made their way out of it. Lerane’s hand was in the same place in the air, holding Oogies empty cloth head.

“Need a Halloween mask Riku?” Lerane asked, and then she just tossed the head to the ground and watched as Oogie’s heart left his body, and floated away in the air.

“You brats won’t get away with this!” Jafar exclaimed, not quite yelling.

“Oh we won’t?” I asked him, kicking him over on his back as he tried to get up again, “Where are Sora and Kairi?!”

“Heh heh heh..... Oh! So you are asking me for help?! Well, if you want to get anything out of me, I suppose you’re going to do as I say!”

Lerane walked over, then looked at Jafar and said “Listen, we are very busy people. If you won’t tell us, we’ll get it out of one of your filthy friends!”

Jafar looked up at me. He smiled, and said “I’ll tell you nothing. If you really need to know, and there’s no guarantee anyone else will tell you, then you need me!”

“Ha! You’re wrong there!” I rose my keyblade as I said that, and watched his smile turn to a horrified face.

Jafar closed his eyes and looked away, and then I took my keyblade in the air, and I lunged it into his chest. He screamed, and squirmed, but no one must have been able to hear, because no one came. I ripped the keyblade out of his chest, and blood came out with it. His heart soon followed it, and like Oogie’s, it floated away.

“Well now what?” Lerane asked me.

“I suppose we sneak around some more and take the rest out like this.”

“What about the bodies?”

“Hmm...” I turned and looked at them, and they were slowly fading away into darkness. “Looks like that’s being taken care of already, so lets hurry up and go!”

We quickly ran through the door on the far right of the room our battle took place in, and we ended up in a hallway. We could look down at the hallway below us, and easily jump down to it from here.

“Riku! I hear something!” Lerane said as she pointed to the door down the hall. We retreated back through the door we came in through, and peeked through it, to see the octopus woman leaving by herself. She went to the hallway on the lower level, and quickly began leaving.

“Lets follow her!” I said to Lerane, and we hurried as we got on her trail. We followed her all the way through the castle, to the point where we were back where we started within the waterfalls.

“She must be leaving...” Lerane whispered to me.

“Lets make this quick,” I whispered back to Lerane.

We both began to run in opposite direction around the area where the woman was, until we were each on opposite sides of her.

“.......... Well well, I wasn’t aware of the rats that were following me.” The woman said as she looked at each of us. Now that I could see her closer up, she was fat, purple, and ugly.

“Are you ready to meet the same fate as your friends?” I asked her as I rose my keyblade.

“What?... Jafar and Oogie... There scents are... Hahaha! Well, I’m not as big a fool as those two were, I’ll take you out myself! I was only headed to town to do some more damage with the heartless before I returned to Atlantica, but this will be a nice warm up!”

“Bring it on you eight- legged freak!” I screamed as I began to run towards her. I jumped up in the air to strike, and she grabbed my leg with one of her tentacles while I was still in midair, and she slammed me on the ground.

“My name is Ursula you weak- hearted little boy, and don’t you forget- AHHHHH!!!” She stopped in mid- sentence, and when she scream she let go of my leg and turned around. She used another tentacle to reach her back and pull a dagger out. “You little bitch!!!!!” She screamed to Lerane.

I hurried and got up on my feet. By the time I was up, Ursula had launched herself high up in the air, and when she came back down she fell in the water. I looked over the edge of the ground we were on, and I couldn’t see her.

“Riku behind you!” Lerane screamed. I turned and saw Ursula’s head and arms popping out of the waterfall.

“Hahahahahahaha!!!!” She laughed that annoying laugh again, and began shooting huge balls of water at both me and Lerane. She knocked Lerane over, and I tried dodging them to the best of my ability, but by the time I got near her she had already retreated back into the water.

“Lerane, are you okay?” I asked her as I frantically looked around for Ursula to come back out.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I could hear her say, “I’ll be damned if my cause of death will be ‘death by octo- bitch’!”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” I heard Ursula say as both Lerane and I got blasted by those water balls, and we fell over the edge into the water.

I opened my eyes underneath the water, and looked around for Lerane. I could see her looking over at me, and when she saw I was okay, she began swimming back up. I started to follow her when all of a sudden something had a hold of my leg! I looked back to see Ursula dragging me towards her.

“Surprise!” She screamed at me.

I tried to reply, but I almost forgot I was underwater. I took the keyblade out, and she wrapped one tentacle around the end of it, then another on my neck, and she slammed me against a giant stone that was under the water. I could only move my right leg and my left arm. I was using my left arm to try and get her tentacle off my neck. She sat there and smiled as I suffocated. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I didn’t think it could, unlike Oogie or Jafar, Ursula had a huge advantage in this fight, and I feared for the worst.

“G-YAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I heard Ursula scream at the top of her lungs, as she let loose on all of her holds on me but the neck. I saw her swimming downwards, and I noticed the tentacle on my neck had been cut off from her body. I could the feel Lerane’s soft touch lifting me to the water’s surface.

When we reached the top, Lerane directed me over towards the stone we were on when we got off the ship as I gasped for air. We both got on it, and she helped me get the tentacle off of my neck.

“Lerane... Thank you,” I said to her, still breathing heavily.

“No problem Riku, I had to repay you for Twilight Town,” she answered as she smiled at me and put her hand on my shoulder.

All of a sudden, Ursula’s upper body rose out of the water.

“You are going to pay with your life for that!” She screamed to Lerane.

“Well, I guess if one of your other friends are strong enough to avenge you I will!” Lerane shouted back to her as she rose her right hand with four daggers in it and screamed “Thundaga!!!”

Thunder and lightning filled the night sky, and lightning came crashing down all over the body of water. I watched as Ursula was being electrocuted, and I could already smell the horrible, horrible smell of her burnt flesh. When it was all done, we watched as Ursula’s body sunk in the water, and her heart was released into the vast sky above.

I looked over at Lerane, and she looked back and began hugging me.

“Riku, I’m so glad you’re okay,” I heard her whisper in my ear, and I could feel tears dripping down her face and onto mine.

I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her back. “I’m glad you’re okay too.”

To be continued...

~You are free to break the chains of fate that bind you~
 
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Silent Avera

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Woah o_O they went to town on 'em! That'll save Sora alot of time at least.....*crosses fingers*

And incoming on my favorite line from this chappie: Octo-bitch. XD
 

TwilightRiku_13

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Oh yeah baby, super awesome action in that chapter!!! I really loved Ursula's death; it's just awesome when someone is electrocuted by thunder. Man, I am really loving the Riku/Lerane pairing; they are just really cute together. Now, with that being said, I have a question, if it turns out that Lerane is Larxene's somebody, will she turn into a nobody? I'm just curious about that. Anyway, great job, and I look forward to more.
 

Nyangoro

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I liked the fight scene, though, I felt it could have used more. Detail and proper perspective is key to crafting a good fight scene. This one's not bad, but you could do better. Nice job though, lol
 

Max

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lol silent avera, when i first thought of that, i knew i had to include itXD

well twilight, i cant reveal whether something that big would happen or not, if it would, so who knowsXD

and gotcha raven,more detail ^^
 

Aria

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I finally remember to read this!! I really like the fight scene in this chapter and the octo-bitch nickname lol.
 
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