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cloudwolf124

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IN AND OUT

In and Out
back and forth
up and down
this repeated motion
turning everything inside out
everything i did, i did it for you
now you return for the glory
but all that is left is an old story

In and Out
is all i hear
all i can say
nothing makes sense anymore
cause all you were was a stupid whore

You traded us for something new
but all you got was bunch of lies
you say your happy
you say everything is fine
but in due time

It will be my turn
to move In and Push you Out
for all that is left of me
is a hollow shell of what i used to be


THIS POEM IS IN NO WAY ABOUT OR RELATED TO SEX



 
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Lycanthrope

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The title, for one.

Repeated motion.

Return for the glory, or maybe my mind is too corrupt and I'm reading into it.
 

Archetype00x

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This is really bad. The rhyme scheme is awkward. I feel like you just threw words together and expected it to be poetic.
 

cloudwolf124

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all the comments are appreciated and i thank you i shall fix the problems and concerns stated when i type another poem.
thanks again for comments everyone
 

Passion

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This is really bad. The rhyme scheme is awkward. I feel like you just threw words together and expected it to be poetic.

Basically this

Plus you might want to phrase your words differently if you don't want people to think its about sex...
I mean the title was a poor choice. The first stanza was phrased in such a way that it sounded like the character was reminiscing on the times when he had sex with this girl. As Reffles said, calling her a whore didn't help you cause to make it "non-sexual".

Next time you write a poem revise, re-read, edit, refine, because this needs some work. Plus the message conveyed was a bit... "interesting" to say the least. Some of the greatest poems and poets have symbology, metaphors, and sometimes they don't even use a rhyme scheme....
 
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