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Help/Support ► I'm internally conflicted



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Ehres

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In July it'll be the one year anniversary of my boyfriend's death since he was killed in Afghanistan while on Operation Panther's Claw in Helmand Province. When I found out, I was devastated. You'd think I'd want to go to his funeral, and I did, but I couldn't pluck up the courage to go. My mum went, my sister went, but I didn't, the person who was closest to him after his family. I want to go to visit his headstone at the cemetary where he's buried, but I don't think I can for the same reason I couldn't bring myself to go to his funeral: I can't stand seeing someone who I loved so much become a name in a box six feet under the ground. I've been conflicted about this issue for a while and I've questioned my morality and courage because of it. I just really need some advice or something.
 

Fortissimo

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I understand where you're coming from. When my middle school principal and family friend became terminally ill with cancer, I was extremely upset. Each day he looked thinner, and eventually stopped coming to school. The last time I saw him, he was just a shadow of the man he once was and it made me even more upset. When he passed on, (god rest his soul) I did not attend his funeral. I didn't want to remember him that way, but the guilt got to me. After a while, I talked with his niece, a friend of mine, and told her why. She eased my guilt by telling me that he would understand. Now I realize that the best way to pay tribute to loved ones that have passed on, is by remembering them they way they would have wanted you to remember them. Think about the good times and the special moments that were shared, and think of them often. What Rabgix said is right. They aren't in a grave, they are in your heart, and they will always be. Best part is you can visit them anytime you want.

I really hope this helps you in anyway it can.
 

Urbane

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I'd say, "Suck it up and go pay some respect", but... Well, I haven't exactly gone through the death of a loved one. Okay, I guess I have, buuuuuut... Well, that's just what I'd do.
 

Chris211

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Well it depends really. Do you believe in the whole heaven/hell thing? If it would hurt to much to go to his funeral, and its painful to go see his grave maybe its not too bad. But you have to find other ways to cope so you don't build up a lot of negative emotion and lead to negative things.

I'm not big on the whole "love" thing but if you really cared for him, then one way or another he knows that you really still care about him and you wanted to go to his funeral and go visit his grave every now and again. Its all about accepting the past and realizing that certain things happen that you dont have control over. I'm sure he understands why you can't visit his "body"(if you will) and I dont mean this to sound weird but hopefully someday you'll see him again and be reunited.

If all else fails, push yourself with everything you have to go make a trip to his grave. Even if its for a short while, maybe if you start going every once in awhile you can start to build you courage back up, it hurts to have someone close to you die. But they'd probably prefer you not dwell on it, but to accept their death, and maybe even become more successful in life...become inspired by them to do great.

Let me know if this helps any :)
 

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He isn't just a name on a headstone or a body in a box. He is who you remember; he is who you loved; he is who you believe he was. He's there so that you don't forget. Go there because of what he meant to you and because you remember all that he was. Go there so that he doesn't become just a body in a box.
 

Teiku 5

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you now how they say that like the first step is admitting that you have a problem. i guess you've done that, but know you need to take the next step and move on from it. and you're never going to be able to do it unless you go see him. just because he's dead physically doesn't mean he has to be dead spiritually and emotionally for you.

i'm not gonna lie, it's prolly gonna suck, but i think you'd end up appreciating it later.
 

Ehres

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I don't want to force myself, not by any means. Forcing myself will make it worse and I'll have taken myself there under guilty pretenses and therefore feel shitty about the whole thing. I want to go when I'm ready, if I'll ever be ready. I just feel like I need to put an end to this, but I don't know if going to see him will make me accept it. I just want to accept it because at the moment I'm trying to forget he ever existed, which isn't helpful at all.
 
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you now how they say that like the first step is admitting that you have a problem. i guess you've done that, but know you need to take the next step and move on from it. and you're never going to be able to do it unless you go see him. just because he's dead physically doesn't mean he has to be dead spiritually and emotionally for you.

i'm not gonna lie, it's prolly gonna suck, but i think you'd end up appreciating it later.

This isn't a drug addiction, it's a natural response to death.

I don't want to force myself, not by any means. Forcing myself will make it worse and I'll have taken myself there under guilty pretenses and therefore feel shitty about the whole thing. I want to go when I'm ready, if I'll ever be ready. I just feel like I need to put an end to this, but I don't know if going to see him will make me accept it. I just want to accept it because at the moment I'm trying to forget he ever existed, which isn't helpful at all.

Anniversaries and holidays are so arbitrary. They're only important because we make them seem to be. Otherwise, they're just another day.

That said, you should go when you feel ready. Not on some designated day where, as you said, you'll be forcing yourself.
I do think it's important that you someday visit, just not under the notion that you have to simply because it's a "special" day.
 

Teiku 5

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i never said it was a drug addiction Grass, i was just making the point that it seems like good steps to follow in trying to help solve the problem. by ignoring a problem, its never going to go away.
 

Key

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Well, not having gone through something like this makes it hard to give advice, but I agree with Grass. You don't have to go on any specific date, you go when you're comfortable and mentally prepared to go. As long as you don't force yourself to go because you feel guilty about it, I think he'll forgive you, considering how close you two were. Just give it a bit of time, and you'll find your courage soon-- just don't do something you'll regret later.
 

Wehrmacht

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That said, you should go when you feel ready. Not on some designated day where, as you said, you'll be forcing yourself.
I do think it's important that you someday visit, just not under the notion that you have to simply because it's a "special" day.

^

If you can muster up the courage, go. And do it whenever you feel like you can. Though I feel like this might be something you'd want to do eventually, don't rush it.
 

Enchanted Rose

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I don't want to force myself, not by any means. Forcing myself will make it worse and I'll have taken myself there under guilty pretenses and therefore feel shitty about the whole thing. I want to go when I'm ready, if I'll ever be ready. I just feel like I need to put an end to this, but I don't know if going to see him will make me accept it. I just want to accept it because at the moment I'm trying to forget he ever existed, which isn't helpful at all.

This is slightly strange, though I understand it's perhaps your way of trying to deal with the loss. Overall, repression it isn't a healthy attitude to take in the long run. Mourning is a very natural, and eventually helpful, process leading to post-traumatic growth.

Even if you can't bring yourself to visit his grave, I think you should do something to commemorate him on the anniversary of the death. Perhaps it could be something more personal, that allows you to celebrate the relationship you had with him.

In any case, I think he deserves some kind of attention, if you respect his bravery and his life, then you'll want to put aside slight selfishness. Whilst I'm sure he wanted you to move on, I'm sure he would have wanted you to retrospectively appreciate the time you did have together, rather than shutting him out from your life.

tangerine said:
He isn't just a name on a headstone or a body in a box. He is who you remember; he is who you loved; he is who you believe he was. He's there so that you don't forget. Go there because of what he meant to you and because you remember all that he was. Go there so that he doesn't become just a body in a box.
Good post!

I hope you're okay.
You really have my sympathies. To some extent, I understand the dilemma you're going through.
 
S

SoulSilver

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In July it'll be the one year anniversary of my boyfriend's death since he was killed in Afghanistan while on Operation Panther's Claw in Helmand Province. When I found out, I was devastated. You'd think I'd want to go to his funeral, and I did, but I couldn't pluck up the courage to go. My mum went, my sister went, but I didn't, the person who was closest to him after his family. I want to go to visit his headstone at the cemetary where he's buried, but I don't think I can for the same reason I couldn't bring myself to go to his funeral: I can't stand seeing someone who I loved so much become a name in a box six feet under the ground. I've been conflicted about this issue for a while and I've questioned my morality and courage because of it. I just really need some advice or something.


My dad passed away last year in the hospital because he got a hole in his lungs and it gave him a disease or something, and it never closed properly, but I was there when he went into code blue it was the hardest thing to see it seemed so fast, one second he's laying on a bed having a machine breath for him, then the next he's gone, and the one thing I'm going to regret is I wish I could of been there more to help him when he really needed it.

But the weirdest thing I found out is that he passed away on the same date as my grandma (My dads mom).

I visited his grave and told him how my life changed for the better, how I have my own place now, how I bought my own car, how my job is giving me more hours. I cried for an hour just talking to his grave, but when I left I felt happy I felt so much better like the world has lifted a rock off my shoulders.

What I'm trying to say is this, go to his grave tell him everything that comes to mind, trust me you'll feel so much better.
 
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