I might've mentioned here and there that this is a part of my life where things have been changing and I'm facing some issues. Since this affects/affected my behaviour and I've started being somewhat active here, I think I ought to speak a bit of what's been on my mind. ...more than that, I think I have to do this. Bear with me, if you want.
My story's not original nor it wants to be: I suffer from depression in various degrees, even attempted suicide more than once. After 7 years of silent struggles (I was too embarassed to talk about it with anyone, including my relatives) I've finally decided to ask for help and I am now receiving proper assistance.
Me coming on these forums was prior to that decision, and who interacted with me at the beginning might remember some... odd emotional outbursts from my part which I'm not proud of. I'm very ashamed of how I acted at some point to some people, I regret it to this very day.
Being on KHI proved to be mentally though at times, I had to measure myself with all kinds of different people, people more expert than me about some parts of the Kingdom Hearts saga, and more importantly people who thought/believed different things than me. Not that the forum experience was new to me, far from it, but... there were reasons why I stopped going on forums.
A mechanism of defence I used was to mainly partake only in small talks, memes and overall sharing only a superficial bond with everyone. Downside is, it did not help my isolation issues.
More than one forum member tried to extend a more direct approach towards me, but I'm not receptive in that regard. I am very shy and insecure. I always think I'm bothering the other person if I talk too much or that I might come off as strange and awkward. I don't send visitor messages, when I have to reply to one I feel uncomfortable and respond in a very stilted manner, I don't send friend request because what if I'm being inappropriate. It took almost all of myself to send those couple PMs I sent.
I don't post in general discussions or take part in more humane activities, even introducing myself in the appropriate section was trying at times. Which means that what Darkos shows about himself and what other can see about Darkos is only connected to what Darkos thinks about the Kingdom Hearts saga, and that only goes so far.
And so here I am, at roughly 1:15 AM here, trying not to give into the thoughts that almost everyone who knows me here hates me or thinks I'm an annoyance at best. I'm not blaming anyone other than myself, it's part of my problems and I'm getting treatment for it.
And considering while typing this I'm still worrying this thread will appear obnoxious means I still have a lot to do.
So... yeah. Just wanted to get that out of my system before going to sleep and possibly not having the guts to do it the day after. And, if perchance something I did or said to you at some point bothered you, I apologize. It probably came from some of the aforementioned problems and insecurities. Truth is I appreciate chatting with many of you and greatly appreciate any human warmth shown to me, and I hope to be able to muster some in return at some point.
My story's not original nor it wants to be: I suffer from depression in various degrees, even attempted suicide more than once. After 7 years of silent struggles (I was too embarassed to talk about it with anyone, including my relatives) I've finally decided to ask for help and I am now receiving proper assistance.
Me coming on these forums was prior to that decision, and who interacted with me at the beginning might remember some... odd emotional outbursts from my part which I'm not proud of. I'm very ashamed of how I acted at some point to some people, I regret it to this very day.
Being on KHI proved to be mentally though at times, I had to measure myself with all kinds of different people, people more expert than me about some parts of the Kingdom Hearts saga, and more importantly people who thought/believed different things than me. Not that the forum experience was new to me, far from it, but... there were reasons why I stopped going on forums.
A mechanism of defence I used was to mainly partake only in small talks, memes and overall sharing only a superficial bond with everyone. Downside is, it did not help my isolation issues.
More than one forum member tried to extend a more direct approach towards me, but I'm not receptive in that regard. I am very shy and insecure. I always think I'm bothering the other person if I talk too much or that I might come off as strange and awkward. I don't send visitor messages, when I have to reply to one I feel uncomfortable and respond in a very stilted manner, I don't send friend request because what if I'm being inappropriate. It took almost all of myself to send those couple PMs I sent.
I don't post in general discussions or take part in more humane activities, even introducing myself in the appropriate section was trying at times. Which means that what Darkos shows about himself and what other can see about Darkos is only connected to what Darkos thinks about the Kingdom Hearts saga, and that only goes so far.
And so here I am, at roughly 1:15 AM here, trying not to give into the thoughts that almost everyone who knows me here hates me or thinks I'm an annoyance at best. I'm not blaming anyone other than myself, it's part of my problems and I'm getting treatment for it.
And considering while typing this I'm still worrying this thread will appear obnoxious means I still have a lot to do.
So... yeah. Just wanted to get that out of my system before going to sleep and possibly not having the guts to do it the day after. And, if perchance something I did or said to you at some point bothered you, I apologize. It probably came from some of the aforementioned problems and insecurities. Truth is I appreciate chatting with many of you and greatly appreciate any human warmth shown to me, and I hope to be able to muster some in return at some point.