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I often feel really unwanted (not your fault)



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DarkosOverlord

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I might've mentioned here and there that this is a part of my life where things have been changing and I'm facing some issues. Since this affects/affected my behaviour and I've started being somewhat active here, I think I ought to speak a bit of what's been on my mind. ...more than that, I think I have to do this. Bear with me, if you want.

My story's not original nor it wants to be: I suffer from depression in various degrees, even attempted suicide more than once. After 7 years of silent struggles (I was too embarassed to talk about it with anyone, including my relatives) I've finally decided to ask for help and I am now receiving proper assistance.
Me coming on these forums was prior to that decision, and who interacted with me at the beginning might remember some... odd emotional outbursts from my part which I'm not proud of. I'm very ashamed of how I acted at some point to some people, I regret it to this very day.
Being on KHI proved to be mentally though at times, I had to measure myself with all kinds of different people, people more expert than me about some parts of the Kingdom Hearts saga, and more importantly people who thought/believed different things than me. Not that the forum experience was new to me, far from it, but... there were reasons why I stopped going on forums.
A mechanism of defence I used was to mainly partake only in small talks, memes and overall sharing only a superficial bond with everyone. Downside is, it did not help my isolation issues.

More than one forum member tried to extend a more direct approach towards me, but I'm not receptive in that regard. I am very shy and insecure. I always think I'm bothering the other person if I talk too much or that I might come off as strange and awkward. I don't send visitor messages, when I have to reply to one I feel uncomfortable and respond in a very stilted manner, I don't send friend request because what if I'm being inappropriate. It took almost all of myself to send those couple PMs I sent.
I don't post in general discussions or take part in more humane activities, even introducing myself in the appropriate section was trying at times. Which means that what Darkos shows about himself and what other can see about Darkos is only connected to what Darkos thinks about the Kingdom Hearts saga, and that only goes so far.

And so here I am, at roughly 1:15 AM here, trying not to give into the thoughts that almost everyone who knows me here hates me or thinks I'm an annoyance at best. I'm not blaming anyone other than myself, it's part of my problems and I'm getting treatment for it.
And considering while typing this I'm still worrying this thread will appear obnoxious means I still have a lot to do.

So... yeah. Just wanted to get that out of my system before going to sleep and possibly not having the guts to do it the day after. And, if perchance something I did or said to you at some point bothered you, I apologize. It probably came from some of the aforementioned problems and insecurities. Truth is I appreciate chatting with many of you and greatly appreciate any human warmth shown to me, and I hope to be able to muster some in return at some point.
 

Sally-boiii

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Darkos honestly man, you are a very refreshing person, whose thoughts I get the opportunity to read. Try not to think you're a bother, I can empathize with you (as much as I can) about feeling that way. But chances are if anybody actually genuinely feels that way about you, and you haven't instigated it in any substantive way; it would be a personal problem on their part.

I can understand that what you may be feeling is something akin to self consciousness on steroids but really if you need to talk I got your back. Don't think yourself to be a bother I know it can be hard. I'm going through some stuff myself. But i am here for you if you so desire.

Siamo con voi. :D

meme to brighten your day (hopefully):




And also:

Do you no de way?

 

Veevee

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Hey bud,
first things first: You've been registered here longer than me. I have never seen any of the outbursts you mentioned, so it might be inappropriate if I post here, but I'll do it anyway. I find your posts totally fine, even quite funny whenever I stumble upon one. Surely I can't speak for everyone in this forum but I really don't think you are unwanted here. Everyone does posts now and then that other people might find offensive, but we are on the internet. It happens. People can choose to approach you and talk it out, avoid you or do nothing at all. If people hate you for old posts, they are acting in a silly way because they chose to hate you for something you never had the chance to defend yourself for. What I want to say in my clumsy way: Don't worry.
As a person who also has huge problems with self-esteem I tend to avoid things that make me feel uncomfortable and embrace things that I feel fine with. That includes people, conversations, forum threads - whenever I feel like it annoys me too much, I leave and go somewhere else where I feel better. You're welcome to talk more personal about yourself as much as you choose to, don't put too much pressure on yourself for doing or not doing it. It's a forum. Have fun.

... gosh, I'm really awful at talking, so I guess I'll just stop here and hope I conveyed the message I wanted to say. Have a good day!
 

DarkGrey Heroine

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*sees others reply in this thread in Activity Stream*
*reads title and thinks "aw man, I feel that way too almost all the time.... maybe I can help the thread creator if I shared some of my... understanding maybe"*
*sees the thread creator is Darkos*
what.

What! You! I... I...
You are one of the sweetest and funniest (quirkiest!) guys around here, I was so happy to see a new member interact with me so perfectly, as if you understood my lowkey flirty innuendos and met them with yours, of a similar nature, for some perfectly amusing replies! I love that about you!! This is why... I am surprised to hear these truths you bravely, openly share with us a bit here. But, simultaneously, I... am not surprised. I'd like to share why...
Me too, I joined the forums when I was going through one of the darkest years of my life. Constant physical pain, anxiety, panic attacks, self-hate, despair and, unfortunately, all this in the company of daily contemplation of death, I had it all (and exactly one year ago, things got 90 times worse than I thought... oh, you wouldn't want to know about that winter), but I didn't know this dark period would last around 5 years of my life in total. Only through the last year, around summer, I began to escape this circle of pain, it took a whole freaking year of recovering and rediscovery, and I am still not fully "healed", but I gained perspective and shall continue getting better and better. I found the ambition for it, but at the start my ambition was an ironical "Heh... yeah... I will... go on. Cause why not..." (a hopeful idea that it's all worth it when my personal beliefs were shaking). It took too much of my mental stability and self-esteem to go through these 5 years (not all of them I was on KHI), but I can finally say I am "ok" now and I want life to go on. So... if I look at myself in the mirror, I can no longer be that surprised... Who can really guess behind which sweet person there lies a hurtful soul... Just let me tell you, you are never unwanted with the right people! Aaaaand the right people are extremely few people. And even when not with the right people, you are not "unwanted", it's just that everybody coexists neutrally, as far as I get it, me, the chick who feels unwanted 99% of times and thinks everybody would rather not have me there at all (but this is mostly because of me being surrounded by toxic and superficial artsy asses, other groups of people are shockingly alright to deal with, but in the art field.....man...). It's a poisonous thought that's just in your head... it's in our heads, our heads, my friend. I'm glad that you mention asking for help and recovering, just don't forget that all the strength is inside you, as anime-ish as this may sound, I experienced the meaning of these words. Humans are capable of being ridiculously strong, that's what I firmly believe and work on, in myself, as much as I can, as I go through time...

Darkos, you quirky Italian! if only I were next to you irl, I'd give you plenty of occasions to tease and annoy me for fun!! Also expect me to do that to you in return!! I'd also bake/make you some delicious desserts full of tsundere feels!! I'm just that type of chick who bakes for those she considers special to make them feel 'sweeter'! And regardless of my usually outgoing nature, I'd become the shyest person in Europe if I hear Italian spoken to me, it would surely be an amusing spectacle! D: (Most of my forum friends know I'm a hopeless italophile, which leads to numerous spicy funny moments, as it did in the past. I make light of my situation right now, we talked about how there's no awkwardness between one apparently flirty forum user and the other, so I hope I don't make you uncomfortable xD). So..!... So!! So interact with me whenever you feel you can, want to or feel like! Over the internet I cannot bite you! This at least should be an advantage but you don't know what you miss!
 

DarkosOverlord

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Thank you so much for the support, everyone, really. It means a lot, especially since I can't help but feel silly.
I assure you I didn't do this to play drama queen and receive some "easy" support, nevertheless knowing what little contribute and japes I threw around were appreciated warms my heart (y'all think I'm gonna sit there and not be cheesy myself?)
But seriously, thanks again for lending a hear. I'll try and cheer up, and possibly be a bit more open in the future.

I can understand that what you may be feeling is something akin to self consciousness on steroids but really if you need to talk I got your back. Don't think yourself to be a bother I know it can be hard. I'm going through some stuff myself. But i am here for you if you so desire.

Siamo con voi. :D

meme to brighten your day (hopefully)

And also:

Do you no de way?

Heh. Thanks, also for the connational sentence.
Grazie.

I do no de way. Da light shoued me.

Hey bud,
first things first: You've been registered here longer than me. I have never seen any of the outbursts you mentioned, so it might be inappropriate if I post here, but I'll do it anyway. I find your posts totally fine, even quite funny whenever I stumble upon one. Surely I can't speak for everyone in this forum but I really don't think you are unwanted here. Everyone does posts now and then that other people might find offensive, but we are on the internet. It happens. People can choose to approach you and talk it out, avoid you or do nothing at all. If people hate you for old posts, they are acting in a silly way because they chose to hate you for something you never had the chance to defend yourself for. What I want to say in my clumsy way: Don't worry.
As a person who also has huge problems with self-esteem I tend to avoid things that make me feel uncomfortable and embrace things that I feel fine with. That includes people, conversations, forum threads - whenever I feel like it annoys me too much, I leave and go somewhere else where I feel better. You're welcome to talk more personal about yourself as much as you choose to, don't put too much pressure on yourself for doing or not doing it. It's a forum. Have fun.

... gosh, I'm really awful at talking, so I guess I'll just stop here and hope I conveyed the message I wanted to say. Have a good day!
Nah, you were good, I get what you're saying. You're right, it's that feeling of wanting to avoid and yet feeling somehow obligated to do more that brings you down at times.
I know it's about attitude and I can make it change, still... it's though. Thanks anyway.

*sees others reply in this thread in Activity Stream*
*reads title and thinks "aw man, I feel that way too almost all the time.... maybe I can help the thread creator if I shared some of my... understanding maybe"*
*sees the thread creator is Darkos*
what.

What! You! I... I...
You are one of the sweetest and funniest (quirkiest!) guys around here, I was so happy to see a new member interact with me so perfectly, as if you understood my lowkey flirty innuendos and met them with yours, of a similar nature, for some perfectly amusing replies! I love that about you!! This is why... I am surprised to hear these truths you bravely, openly share with us a bit here. But, simultaneously, I... am not surprised. I'd like to share why...
Me too, I joined the forums when I was going through one of the darkest years of my life. Constant physical pain, anxiety, panic attacks, self-hate, despair and, unfortunately, all this in the company of daily contemplation of death, I had it all (and exactly one year ago, things got 90 times worse than I thought... oh, you wouldn't want to know about that winter), but I didn't know this dark period would last around 5 years of my life in total. Only through the last year, around summer, I began to escape this circle of pain, it took a whole freaking year of recovering and rediscovery, and I am still not fully "healed", but I gained perspective and shall continue getting better and better. I found the ambition for it, but at the start my ambition was an ironical "Heh... yeah... I will... go on. Cause why not..." (a hopeful idea that it's all worth it when my personal beliefs were shaking). It took too much of my mental stability and self-esteem to go through these 5 years (not all of them I was on KHI), but I can finally say I am "ok" now and I want life to go on. So... if I look at myself in the mirror, I can no longer be that surprised... Who can really guess behind which sweet person there lies a hurtful soul... Just let me tell you, you are never unwanted with the right people! Aaaaand the right people are extremely few people. And even when not with the right people, you are not "unwanted", it's just that everybody coexists neutrally, as far as I get it, me, the chick who feels unwanted 99% of times and thinks everybody would rather not have me there at all (but this is mostly because of me being surrounded by toxic and superficial artsy asses, other groups of people are shockingly alright to deal with, but in the art field.....man...). It's a poisonous thought that's just in your head... it's in our heads, our heads, my friend. I'm glad that you mention asking for help and recovering, just don't forget that all the strength is inside you, as anime-ish as this may sound, I experienced the meaning of these words. Humans are capable of being ridiculously strong, that's what I firmly believe and work on, in myself, as much as I can, as I go through time...

Darkos, you quirky Italian! if only I were next to you irl, I'd give you plenty of occasions to tease and annoy me for fun!! Also expect me to do that to you in return!! I'd also bake/make you some delicious desserts full of tsundere feels!! I'm just that type of chick who bakes for those she considers special to make them feel 'sweeter'! And regardless of my usually outgoing nature, I'd become the shyest person in Europe if I hear Italian spoken to me, it would surely be an amusing spectacle! D: (Most of my forum friends know I'm a hopeless italophile, which leads to numerous spicy funny moments, as it did in the past. I make light of my situation right now, we talked about how there's no awkwardness between one apparently flirty forum user and the other, so I hope I don't make you uncomfortable xD). So..!... So!! So interact with me whenever you feel you can, want to or feel like! Over the internet I cannot bite you! This at least should be an advantage but you don't know what you miss!
Aw shucks DarkGrey.
We had a (very) brief conversation about this at one point, but I also find great pleasure and fun in being silly with you too. I often use jokes as an outlet for bottled up emotions, so it's always nice to find someone who matches that same wavelenght.
People like you who can be so direct and sweet (seriously, how do you guys do it?) are really precious.
If we were close I might hug you. ...well, considering to hug you and feeling embarassed the second after. And don't worry about biting, I grew up with an older brother. I have a though skin.

I'm sorry to hear you guys laso had/have it rough, I wish the best to you as well.
 

VoidGear.

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I wasn't sure if I want to reply (usually feeling like I add nothing to the thread and just get on others nerves with my reply, lel), but I often end up regretting it if I don't and see a thread a long time later, so I'll beat my inner demons and just duet (it's the only bad pun in this reply, I promise).

I'll be honest - I do faintly remember not always liking your posts and sometimes thinking dafuq; but the word faintly is very important here. It's nothing special, because I've felt like that about many other people's posts as well (hell, probably even my own when reading some of them later) without thinking badly about the person themselves. I don't really remember said "outbursts", probably because it's hard to see the feelings behind a post through a screen, no matter the contents of the post.
So other than feeling like your posts were childish or inappropriate, I usually just thought that we have different opinions, which is totally fine and to be highly expected in a discussion forum. Even high tempers are nothing that surprises me, maybe because I'm not innocent on that matter - if a topic is important to me in good or bad ways, I can go on about it for a year straight.
But I never minded and I highly enjoyed some of the recent discussions especially in the nitpick thread, and had a good laugh about a lot of the things you said there, so that must be good.

I'm adding nothing to the thread, as I expected, so I'll try to cut it short:
It's cool that you're sharing these things, especially if they help you. Whoever thinks it's obnoxious to go out of one's way to try one's best to get better has no idea what they're talking about, so I really hope no one feels that way about it (and if someone does, please don't reply).
Wish I could say something encouraging in your mother tongue but the only italian thing I know is "QUANTO COSTA", which I somehow feel is not very useful at this point.
So, err, have this:

If you DO ever feel like talking to someone, even a pleb like me, I might be really bad at replying fast, but my replies are always of very high quality, 10/10, would recommend.
 

Muke

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Hey, Darkos. I have to admit that you and I didn't really… like each other at first. But as time went by, I think we both noticed that we got along better and better with each post lol. It's good that you're writing this off your chest and you're seeing someone to help you!

I remember times when I jut sent you a VM to talk for fun and to get to know you better. I didn't know you'd feel uncomfortable, so I'm sorry if that happened when I messaged you. But just know that I, personally, really like talking to ya. So if you wanna talk ever (even just about daily stuff like we sometimes did), just shoot me a message and never think about stuff like being inappropriate or worrying about other things. (also you could help me with italian if i need help D:. kidding)

I don't feel like I'm adding a lot to the thread unfortunately so I'm sorry if this isn't helping or so :/
 

Howler

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Darkos you adorable dork, you are awesome! And that's not me trying to be nice, you are.
Even though we may not talk much, you make so many people happy and... don't ever that way Darkos. It saddens me you have felt that way already. We need to talk more often Darkos, one dork to another. If this didn't get your spirits up, there's going to be a whole bunch of Visitor Messages popping up in your notifications. Mark my words. -w-
 

DarkosOverlord

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Okay, I've finished my exams so I have time to respond.

I'll be honest - I do faintly remember not always liking your posts and sometimes thinking dafuq; but the word faintly is very important here. It's nothing special, because I've felt like that about many other people's posts as well (hell, probably even my own when reading some of them later) without thinking badly about the person themselves. I don't really remember said "outbursts", probably because it's hard to see the feelings behind a post through a screen, no matter the contents of the post.
So other than feeling like your posts were childish or inappropriate, I usually just thought that we have different opinions, which is totally fine and to be highly expected in a discussion forum. Even high tempers are nothing that surprises me, maybe because I'm not innocent on that matter - if a topic is important to me in good or bad ways, I can go on about it for a year straight.
But I never minded and I highly enjoyed some of the recent discussions especially in the nitpick thread, and had a good laugh about a lot of the things you said there, so that must be good.

I'm adding nothing to the thread, as I expected, so I'll try to cut it short:
It's cool that you're sharing these things, especially if they help you. Whoever thinks it's obnoxious to go out of one's way to try one's best to get better has no idea what they're talking about, so I really hope no one feels that way about it (and if someone does, please don't reply).
Wish I could say something encouraging in your mother tongue but the only italian thing I know is "QUANTO COSTA", which I somehow feel is not very useful at this point.
So, err, have this:

If you DO ever feel like talking to someone, even a pleb like me, I might be really bad at replying fast, but my replies are always of very high quality, 10/10, would recommend.
Thank you so much for the kind words Void, really. I also had fun with our recent exchanges.
Yeah... the first times instead are amongst the instances I'm ashamed of. I'll try to put them beside me.
"Quanto costa"... uhm... How much does it cost for me to... get better? see we kinda made it work

Hey, Darkos. I have to admit that you and I didn't really… like each other at first. But as time went by, I think we both noticed that we got along better and better with each post lol. It's good that you're writing this off your chest and you're seeing someone to help you!

I remember times when I jut sent you a VM to talk for fun and to get to know you better. I didn't know you'd feel uncomfortable, so I'm sorry if that happened when I messaged you. But just know that I, personally, really like talking to ya. So if you wanna talk ever (even just about daily stuff like we sometimes did), just shoot me a message and never think about stuff like being inappropriate or worrying about other things. (also you could help me with italian if i need help D:. kidding)

I don't feel like I'm adding a lot to the thread unfortunately so I'm sorry if this isn't helping or so :/
Don't worry Muke, I appreciate anyone who felt like sharing their thoughts, it means a lot.
I'll be honest, and once again I'm not trying to fish for compliments, I did not expect this many replies.
I'm glad you also feel that way I agree that like with Void it took a bit for us to get along better.
You going out of your way and talking to me made me happy, I didn't expect it. Just wished I'd have responded better, as I said I'm awful at small talk and I never know what to say.

Darkos you adorable dork, you are awesome! And that's not me trying to be nice, you are.
Even though we may not talk much, you make so many people happy and... don't ever that way Darkos. It saddens me you have felt that way already. We need to talk more often Darkos, one dork to another. If this didn't get your spirits up, there's going to be a whole bunch of Visitor Messages popping up in your notifications. Mark my words. -w-
Thanks to you too Howler, for the nice things. Hearing you think this of me makes me feel so an emotion synonim to honoured and pleased.
We didn't talk much, true, but I still remember your lone visitor message that one time (I'm just waiting for when my memory will turn things from sweet to creepy) and just like any other contact I appreciated.
Even as seemingly small as it can appear I like any time another person reminds me we're not just avatars and numbers.
 
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catcake

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I have the memory of a goldfish so I really only remember seeing some of your recent posts and thinking you're funny so I figured I don't have much to add to this thread but ended up just... coming here to say that anyway xD I remember you being around for a longer time but surely you can't have annoyed me much since I don't remember anything bad about you. Lmao I hope I haven't forgotten something and you'll look at this post and go "oh wow it's that jerk I used to fight with" but I think we haven't had bad interactions? Either way I think you're cool, life is all about growing, I think having the guts to say hey, I could have done stuff better and will do my best in the future is always something I can respect. I'm always open to making new friends, but I'm also too introverted and lazy to do that most of the time. If you ever get a burst of social energy though and want to talk to someone I volunteer myself. Yeah. Hope to see you around!
 

DarkosOverlord

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I have the memory of a goldfish so I really only remember seeing some of your recent posts and thinking you're funny so I figured I don't have much to add to this thread but ended up just... coming here to say that anyway xD I remember you being around for a longer time but surely you can't have annoyed me much since I don't remember anything bad about you. Lmao I hope I haven't forgotten something and you'll look at this post and go "oh wow it's that jerk I used to fight with" but I think we haven't had bad interactions? Either way I think you're cool, life is all about growing, I think having the guts to say hey, I could have done stuff better and will do my best in the future is always something I can respect. I'm always open to making new friends, but I'm also too introverted and lazy to do that most of the time. If you ever get a burst of social energy though and want to talk to someone I volunteer myself. Yeah. Hope to see you around!
I also don't remember much about us interacting, so either we just didn't or we're in an anime and we suffer from amnesia, meaning our destinies are tied.
I see you usually around, I know that much. Thanks even more then, when someone offers support without even previously laid grounds makes it even more special.

And if I do find of some old argument between us, I'll let you know. You get one free punch pass.
 

Rodin

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As someone also suffering depression im hoping you pull through.
 
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Grono

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Love ya, man. Trust me, I face all of the same problems of isolation and socially outcast myself out of fear of my own behavior all of the time. You're not the only one to have to go through it, and we'll all pull through and find peace in some way eventually.

I actually started a thread the other day, called Deep Dive I: Identity. I want to make it more of a community thing, and if you think that posting on my first thread about a big part of your identity would help you out a bit I'm sure the community would be more than happy to reach out to you and relate to your issues. If you think it's weird that you may be posting something personal on there, my first post literally discussed the long road I took to finding my non-religion, so nothing is too personal there.

We're all here for you, man.
 

Soldier

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Might be a bit late to the party, but from my experiences on here, you fall very low on my threat/annoyance level. The only time you've stood in my way (if you could call it that) was very brief and short lived. I don't despise you, and your battle with depression reminds me of my own (mine isn't as severe as you think it is, very low-key). So I've got no beef with you personally, not even a sirloin steak.
 

DarkosOverlord

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Apologies for the delay, but reading and answering these is a lot of emotional work and I wanted to give it the right time.

As someone also suffering depression im hoping you pull through.
Thanks, and likewise. Unfortunately I'm starting to think people are right when they say you can't really "defeat" depression, only accepting it.
It is getting better lately though.

Love ya, man. Trust me, I face all of the same problems of isolation and socially outcast myself out of fear of my own behavior all of the time. You're not the only one to have to go through it, and we'll all pull through and find peace in some way eventually.

I actually started a thread the other day, called Deep Dive I: Identity. I want to make it more of a community thing, and if you think that posting on my first thread about a big part of your identity would help you out a bit I'm sure the community would be more than happy to reach out to you and relate to your issues. If you think it's weird that you may be posting something personal on there, my first post literally discussed the long road I took to finding my non-religion, so nothing is too personal there.

We're all here for you, man.
Thanks a lot.
I always liked how... expressive your way of speaking is, one can truly feel the energy behind it. I appreciated many of our little exchanges.
These past (and future) months were really busy, and as I said emotional activity takes a lot out of me, but I'll definitely check out your thread, glanced it already while coming here.

Might be a bit late to the party, but from my experiences on here, you fall very low on my threat/annoyance level. The only time you've stood in my way (if you could call it that) was very brief and short lived. I don't despise you, and your battle with depression reminds me of my own (mine isn't as severe as you think it is, very low-key). So I've got no beef with you personally, not even a sirloin steak.
Thanks.
I think I faintly remember something between us at some point (if memory serves me right it was a period where I kinda sputed some shitty remarks too), but I'm glad nothing persisted.
 

Soldier

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I remember what happened, it was during my thread as to whether or not Gilgamesh should appear in KH3 as a secret boss. A lot of people supported the idea, a few were on the fence, and i believe you were against it. The thread ended with a little debate between you and spockanort.
 
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