How do you deal with a breakup?



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Grono

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Hey, fam. Time for a serious topic today.

Today's been two weeks since my girlfriend of over two years dumped me, and needless to say she's taking it a lot better than I have. She's had months to process what she's lost, but I was not in the same boat as her and as a result I'm left just constantly in my own head asking what I could have done at certain points of our relationship to stop this. If you're wondering if we were serious, let's just say that engagement and marriage was a pretty casual topic around us and I was only weeks away from getting a ring at this point.

I've heard many things help cure depression after something like this happens: most notably, I've started trying exercise and weight lifting today to see if that helps. The theory behind it is that the "runner's high" you often get stressing your muscles also is effective at blocking those parts of your body that are making you feel more depressed, giving you that emotional high that you often need in a situation like this.

I've also scheduled regular therapy appointments to take place over the summer into the next semester, and I've tried to console in friends as much as I possibly can while I try to rebuild my future from here.

There is a small chance that, if I put myself together enough and improve on the things that I was bad at in our relationship, that we can try it out again and see if it works. She's still a great person and she didn't just leave me in the dust when this happened. She's already moved on and started dating other people, but she said that, if we end up getting to a point like that again, that she'd "try this again in a heartbeat". I know that most people advise against this, but I do want to try it one more time. I loved her so much and I know that, if I get better and finally mature into the man I need to be, that we could still work.

It's weird, but with her I just saw fireworks instantly. I see a house, two beautiful kids, and a wife in her, and she really did complete me every second we were together, even when I went through a spiraling depression in the last few months.

In the meantime, have you had a breakup like this? How did you cope with it? Were there any methods you used to put off the depression that followed? I could really use help if you'd offer it. It's only been two weeks, and week two has definitely been worse for my mental health than week one was.
 

Audo

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I think you're generally doing the right things and are on a good path. Exercise, taking care of yourself, and setting up therapy appointments are all really good things. Some of it though just comes down to time and to letting yourself feel things and not try to shut it away. I think it's a really good thing that you are kind of focusing on yourself and bettering yourself and your life and rebuilding it back up. That's definitely a very positive route to take, but I do worry a bit that you're doing it less for yourself and more out of a hope that it will lead you two to get together. While it can be good to leave yourself open to the possibility of reconciliation and getting back together, it really should not be your goal, or the reason you are doing this stuff. I don't think that's particularly healthy. Focus on you, focus on doing this stuff to make your life better because it's your life and you deserve it. Don't do it just in the hopes that it will make them change their mind. Just focus on making sure there are good things in your life for you, building it up one thing at a time.

You didn't really get into why you guys broke up very much at all, so I can't really speak to that. But you are really young. Like so young. There is so much life and experiences ahead of you. I think focusing on you and taking time for yourself for yourself is the best path at this point. And I think you've made good choices toward that, choices that most wouldn't have (generally speaking, men are very unlikely to seek out therapy, to seek help, so that alone is a great strong choice). Just keep at it, and keep adding positive things into your life where you can. And I hope the pain will lessen soon.
 

Harmonie

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I will say one thing: I once had a relationship that was very important to me. I really thought she was the one. She broke up with me out of the blue and it destroyed me. She left me with some kind of similar message that maybe someday she would be willing to try again. I took that very seriously. Four years after the breakup I had pretty much moved on, but still held no negative feelings. We made a reconnection, which by late summer that year I was nearly certain was going to lead to us getting back together. I fell really hard for her again.

That was a big mistake. Nothing came out of it except for long, drawn out pain and an unexplained loss of what was a strong friendship.

My point is don't hang onto the hope of getting back together forever. You need to open your mind to other people, as your ex has quickly done. I've struggled big time with that. In between all of the time spent thinking we could get back together and me being super picky otherwise it has now been over nine years since I have dated. Don't be like me.
 

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I think Audo's got it covered pretty well.

I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, but you're only 20 dude. She did you a favor by breaking it off before you got that ring. As someone who's currently 26 going on 27, I can tell you that your early 20's are your formative years. I was a completely different person both emotionally and mentally 6 years ago, and I can assure you that you will be too.

The best thing that you can do, as Audo said, is to feel things. Cry, scream, and punch a pillow if you have to. Don't belittle yourself for feeling the way you do about the break up.

In terms of healing, do whatever you have to as long as it's healthy and not dangerous. When I broke up with my ex, I turned to drinking and stress eating. I gained 25 pounds and would consistently drink myself to sleep. It got to a point where I woke up one night to shattered glass everywhere after having drank 3/4ths of a bottle of whiskey the night before. Don't be me. Since then, I've done a lot of introspection and introduced myself to The Beatles. I anchored myself to their music and have kept myself going strong since.

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Rodin

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Your on the right path with working out and going to therapy. I would say be open to finding someone else.

Hope can be wonderful but it can also hurt pretty bad when things don't work out.

You and i talked about my depression before. My therapist told me i had a hard time forgiving myself over what happened. I kept blaming myself, wishing i did this or that. But i had to come to terms with the fact i did all i could and my parents and the girl i fell for let me down.

They had their own baggage and fears and whatever i did wasnt good enough.

So i could see you going down that same path. I agree with everybody else by saying you should focus on finding someone else. That would help you in the long run, especially if you and her try again.

Dating is the only way to be prepared for a marriage. So dating other people would give you a better perspective on how relationships work. That would help you more if you two truly decide to get back together.
 
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Leesdeti

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Your on the right path with working out and going to therapy. I would say be open to finding someone else.
I agree, but it can be very difficult. I have also been in a similar situation recently. This went on for a long time. But I found the strength to move on. I started chatting with other women on social networks and through dating sites. Here https://www.tendermeets.com/ I found new friends, then I decided to meet in reality and a new relationship began.
 
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Ennis3E

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When you enter into a relationship you can't be certain whether it will last for a couple of weeks, months or years tellthebell.
 
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