Weirdly enough, I like what you have already. I don't know if this is where you left off but, page fourteen is partially blank and then you have page 15 with Harvey speaking. I'd like to know what the Director has to say to Meredith's changes. Honestly, I think its good and perhaps even brilliant. At first, I dreaded having to read something long in the beginning but, once it cut to the Director calling everyone onto the stage and wanting to change everything, I ended up liking it a lot. You should continue where you left off. I'd definitely read more of it, if you do. I'm being earnest when, I say this too.
Well, thank you very much! I do appreciate it.
I probably should have explained that blank space, haha. As Hidden surmised, the scene culminates towards an explosive monologue from Harvey—in which he manages to express his indignation by mashing bits of Shakespeare together, a process that has totally eluded the company.
It's actually a fun read, but it bogs itself down--it's too easy to digress in a scene about talking about a scene. The 'logging' argument is a good example:
It's played for laughs and to show the 'pointlessness' of the digression, but the conversation itself is an over-long digression. The humor of the scene might actually benefit from cutting it to "Meredith: I mean, the whole point of his character is to show the oppression of the working man... Harvey: Wait, what!?" From those two lines, we understand the crux of the argument and how completely disconnected Harvey's and Meredith's readings of Shakespeare are.
Duly noted. Finding opportunities for each character to shine has been difficult, and a few similar (and even less productive) bits have been added and subsequently cut. Thanks for catching another one.
Still, though I agree that the "logging" digression isn't necessary, I worry about reducing the script to the following:
- Director introduces strange concept, gives unintentionally funny commentary
- Cast reacts, objects to the director's ideas
- Director reacts
- Rinse and repeat
That's the challenge of scriptwriting, though—but I feel that you've already given me the start of a new approach, further below...
Hidden said:
Taken further, it seems like the scene is going to end with Harvey making a righteous declaration on the importance of understanding Shakespeare rather than just adapting him, which is fine--except that it makes everything between Harvey's first complaints and his last speech a digression. Meredith might have some interesting nuggets to share, and Jack and Mark may interject some comedic commentary, but if we're just going to circle back around to Harvey again, we are literally talking in circles. That's my main concern--that the scene (like the conversation) spins its wheels and doesn't go anywhere.
Agreed. I now see that problem more clearly than ever.
Lately I've been trying to shorten the initial conversation about revising the script—so as to reach the "everybody gets a turn" section sooner. That would allow for more character-centric moments, and force me to use those moments constructively.
Hidden said:
For some more constructive criticism, you might actually show how far some of these characters will take the Bard. Let Meredith play a scene as a class-conscious Caliban, let Jack sing his ragtime piece, and let Harvey play Richard III straight. I'm not sure where those scenes will take you, but they may give you more ideas than just letting the characters talk about their delusions in the abstract.
This is actually the approach that I wanted to pursue, in the beginning. The
Richard III mishmash scene is an energetic, comedic high; and so it only makes sense to use other bits from the in-universe play for that same purpose.
For whatever reason, my writing deviated from that initial idea—but to have someone else confirm my first instinct is reassuring indeed. I'll try to replace some of the circular conversations with some actual excerpts from the company's play. All of your examples are very promising, actually. I already know where I could interject a few of them...
Hidden said:
I'm afraid that's all I can offer right now, but I'll think about it more and let you know if anything else comes to mind.
I greatly appreciate it, Hidden. Even when it was no more than confirming a hunch that I had, it helped refocus things.
