Help/Support ► Great, I Have Another Issue....Go Figure.

[Danica Syer]

So hello there guys! Candy, here, with another issue and blah blah blah. So I was wondering if I can get your advice/input and take on this. So I have a friend and we're not close or really good friends and we don't hang out that much but lately I've seen him and he hangs with me and my friends but it's not often and when he does, he’s an okay guy. And, no, this isn't one "Oh does he like me" and "I like this boy and we're friends and I want to be more then that" kind of thread. No, it is not! He's just a friend to me and we've been getting along over the summer and all but sometimes I feel as if he doesn't treat me like a friend and or other times, he treats me like a friend but it's out of pity, annoyance, or something. So I was talking to him about an issue that I can't say online (sorry) and he talks to me like I'm a child who needs to be picked up the ground and says this like, "I know you can do it because your a big girl now!" and "That's the way to go!" and stuff like that and it just kinda annoys/irks me and it's like, "Please, I'll be fine. I'm a big girl, I can do it." so I try to restrict from telling him about my problems I have and I know he's trying to help but sometimes the way he reacts to it just sounds like he's putting me down and if not, I guess I'm just misinterperating the situation. But it just seems like that by the way his voice is like all you know, all, "Aw, I'm here for you. Do you need a band aid?" Then other times, he ignores me when he's around my other friends and or his other friends and sometimes I don't know...if he prefers their company as it seems like they are in clique and maybe not my friends but his friends that I'm also friends with too. Also when we talk about random things like our obsession and lately mine’s been with uh, Suzaku from Code Geass, oh wow, go figure. Anywho, he’s like, "Suzaku’s not real. Grow up." Okay he didn’t say it that way. It was more like, "Your obessing over a fictional character like Suzaku. Hahaha….but yeah, he’s cool but you know your going to have to move on eventually as you'll be growing up soon and all." Yes, I know I know that, thank you very much and yeah, I know it’s strange obsession and or silly but honestly, SO JUST bear me with me okay? Not only that but right now he just annoys me to the point where I just wanna whack him the head and or just ignore him completely but I haven't and can't because I don't want us to go into this big heated argument with him and it might just be some big misunderstanding. So I don't know. What should I do as to how should I talk it about with him? How should I approach him? What if he denies it, he has denied that he's a bad friend (obviously) but I just want to make sure that he isn't lying about being a friend or whatever's happening you know?


Oh and get this he can be egotistical in some cases and I know that’s normal for a guy and that’s fine because I know it’s normal but I notice that he tends to add in and or be rude/insensitive at times like when we’re just telling jokes or talk about funny situations and he doesn’t realize this. I’ll try to talk about some funny situation where I had a funny dream about robots and aliens doing some voodoo dance (I think I just saw the Proposal lol). Hey, it was a dream okay? He either twists my word or make sarcasm out of it and at times when he talks, he’ll go back to make it sound like HE’s the one who’s being funny and not me and it’s a joke. It’s okay that he shares too, not a problem but it’s just like, "Oh come on, let me talk too." It’s like the spotlight’s going to be on him. So that's one thing I figured but I don't know how to break it to him because he’s nice and funny but other times, I want to be like, "Who are you kidding? Am I really your friend or are you a liar who’s trying to annoy me just because we’re not really friends?" Any advice?

And before you call me coward and blah blah, I'm not one, I just don't like confrontation especially if it involves me being brutally honest to the point where I have to hurt him but sometimes I do it anyway to my other friends (it’s just easier), so why is it so hard to tell him? And no, I don't like him, just mentioning that for one last time. If you can/want to help, that'd be great. I'd appreciate it and thank you very much. I do apologize if I sound like I'm ranting and yelling in your face. I really am. Well that's it for now. Thanks again for bearing with me.

 

[Nyangoro]

I think I'll start with the obvious question:

Why are you friends with him?

 

[Danica Syer]

Well to answer your question I'm friends with him because he's technically a nice person. Okay that's a stupid reason but I don't know how we're friends. I guess we are and he's not all that mean all the time and I know he ticks me off at times but other times, he can be nice and I don't know if it's me misunderstanding the situation or something about our situation that needs to improved.

 

[Gildragon]

So you're problem is that he's making you sound less mature than you believe that you are?


I'd just bring it up to him that you don't like him saying that kind of stuff. if he's a friend he shouldn't mind if not then well you need to find new friends

 

[Nyangoro]

Well, if he's just the occasional jerk, then try not to let it bother you so much. Everyone has their pissy moments, and it's best just to get over them (and talk about it if they seriously bother you).

However, if he's more often a jerk than not, then I see no reason to continue being friends with him (and if the latter is true, then I'm not even sure if you could really call it being friends in the first place). I understand wanting to be nice, but you don't have to encourage that kind of consistent behavior by rewarding it with your friendship.

 

[Zeagal]

I would say do something along the lines of what Gil suggested. Try to talk it out the next time it happens, but not all mean. Like if he tells you to be a big girl just ask him why he always says stuff like that and go from there.

 

[zspek09]

Alright. Get this....He is just being himself. He's obviously the type of person who enjoys giving advice or reassuring people, wether he's right or wrong. From the way you talk about him, I'm sure he cares about you. When he acts differently around you with your friends, it may be because he's trying to act cooler than he really is. Some people are just like that. They like attention, thus supporting the fact that he's apparently egotistical. If it really bothers you that much, just ask him why he talks to you like he's above you first. Then say that you'd appreciate it if he'd mellow out with the babying comments. You never know...he may be doing it because he thinks you don't have a problem with it. Just know that he likes you and try not to be to hard on him, because that's the kind of person he is. Egotistical, but caring. hah weird combo right?

 

[UnnamedPerson]

Hey Candy. I would go with what Gil's already said. It sounds like you need to talk to him and make him understand that the way he's acting is making you feel annoyed at him. Some people only see things from their point of view til someone confronts them and tells them about it, so hopefully if you talk to him he will listen. If not, pehaps try to find another way to get along with him so that it wont cause any problems between the two of you.

 

[Nojerom]

You sound very professional, Candy. :]

Well. This is the way I see it. You can sort of pull him off to the side, and slowly/steadily launch into a conversation. If this conversation goes somewhere, maybe you should delve deeper. I know the chance for that doesn't come up often, but just in cae it does, just try to be nice about it, and remember to point out what you believe to be a misunderstanding or folly.

The way I'd do it: I'd really just take a little more, till I can't anymore, then work out a basic conversation structure in my head to work out all we'd need to talk about; like planning ahead sort of thing. Try to get your wording right before you have to conjure the words, ya dig? Then I would go on a good chance, and quickly,too, and just start talking to him about it, politely, but still very honest about it. Tell him what you see, ask him what he sees, tell him what you think and ask him for some truth, and if he's being fairly honest, then work out your problems.

That's all I got, Candeh.

 

[Bukkake Sensei]

Oh and get this he can be egotistical in some cases and I know that’s normal for a guy and that’s fine because I know it’s normal

No, sweetie, I'm pretty sure he's just an asshole. But if you want to make excuses for him, more power to you -- guys LOVE girls who will let themselves be treated like shit and it's not my place to take that away from him.

 

[Apollo]

Since you don't wanna do it yourself try asking a common friend to do it.

 

[_EX]

Personally I would say castrate him and see how he likes being dehumanised but in case that fails ignore him and he will try fix up what hes done bad to you. Or he will be angry at you. Either way he thinks about your friendship in a defferent light that he obviously doesnt do now.

 

[Reifon]

I would read all of it if it wasn't for the color of the text. Can you make a TLR version ?

 

[Danica Syer]

Well, if he's just the occasional jerk, then try not to let it bother you so much. Everyone has their pissy moments, and it's best just to get over them (and talk about it if they seriously bother you).

Seriously that could apply and be true. I'll take that into consideration.

However, if he's more often a jerk than not, then I see no reason to continue being friends with him (and if the latter is true, then I'm not even sure if you could really call it being friends in the first place). I understand wanting to be nice, but you don't have to encourage that kind of consistent behavior by rewarding it with your friendship.

Thanks and yeah, I know what you mean but I'll have to try and talk to him before I can even take in what kind of friend he is. I mean seriously do I want to jump to conclusions? If he's a jerk after we talk and all, then you're right. I'll keep this updated.

So you're problem is that he's making you sound less mature than you believe that you are?

YES. That's one of the problem.

I'd just bring it up to him that you don't like him saying that kind of stuff. if he's a friend he shouldn't mind if not then well you need to find new friends

Thanks again, Gil. That means alot. And I'll see when I talk to him.

I would say do something along the lines of what Gil suggested. Try to talk it out the next time it happens, but not all mean. Like if he tells you to be a big girl just ask him why he always says stuff like that and go from there.

Hey Candy. I would go with what Gil's already said. It sounds like you need to talk to him and make him understand that the way he's acting is making you feel annoyed at him. Some people only see things from their point of view til someone confronts them and tells them about it, so hopefully if you talk to him he will listen. If not, pehaps try to find another way to get along with him so that it wont cause any problems between the two of you.

You both agree with Gil which is good because he knows what he's saying. But anyway, yes, Zeagal, I could do that. Thanks for your suggestion. Make him understand. Well not technically force him but maybe try to yes. And yeah I know what you mean. Alrighty then I'll do that and thanks for the advice, Mark.

Alright. Get this....He is just being himself. He's obviously the type of person who enjoys giving advice or reassuring people, wether he's right or wrong. From the way you talk about him, I'm sure he cares about you. When he acts differently around you with your friends, it may be because he's trying to act cooler than he really is. Some people are just like that. They like attention, thus supporting the fact that he's apparently egotistical. If it really bothers you that much, just ask him why he talks to you like he's above you first. Then say that you'd appreciate it if he'd mellow out with the babying comments. You never know...he may be doing it because he thinks you don't have a problem with it. Just know that he likes you and try not to be to hard on him, because that's the kind of person he is. Egotistical, but caring. hah weird combo right?

Really? Cool. Yeah, I can see that he is trying to. Really? Yes, I will tell him that definately. Really, he doesn't think that? I have worded it out in a way but then again, I've not told him when I should but yeah. Yes, but you know me and this guy are just friends right.

Hey Candy. I would go with what Gil's already said. It sounds like you need to talk to him and make him understand that the way he's acting is making you feel annoyed at him. Some people only see things from their point of view til someone confronts them and tells them about it, so hopefully if you talk to him he will listen. If not, pehaps try to find another way to get along with him so that it wont cause any problems between the two of you.

You sound very professional, Candy. :]

Well. This is the way I see it. You can sort of pull him off to the side, and slowly/steadily launch into a conversation. If this conversation goes somewhere, maybe you should delve deeper. I know the chance for that doesn't come up often, but just in cae it does, just try to be nice about it, and remember to point out what you believe to be a misunderstanding or folly.

The way I'd do it: I'd really just take a little more, till I can't anymore, then work out a basic conversation structure in my head to work out all we'd need to talk about; like planning ahead sort of thing. Try to get your wording right before you have to conjure the words, ya dig? Then I would go on a good chance, and quickly,too, and just start talking to him about it, politely, but still very honest about it. Tell him what you see, ask him what he sees, tell him what you think and ask him for some truth, and if he's being fairly honest, then work out your problems.

That's all I got, Candeh.

Um, professional lol how?

I like it actually. I know what your saying. Hmm......yeah, that works and yeah, I dig. XD But sometimes planning doesn't work out as you planned you know. But okies I will take this advice. Okay then, Mar. Thanks for the advice and I really appreciate it. This is the best advice I've gotten so far.

No, sweetie, I'm pretty sure he's just an asshole. But if you want to make excuses for him, more power to you -- guys LOVE girls who will let themselves be treated like shit and it's not my place to take that away from him.

Really?.....................so if a girl fights back, they hate it? Is that how it works? Wow.

Since you don't wanna do it yourself try asking a common friend to do it.

Um, yeah, I'm going to try and do it but thanks for the suggestion. I was more of asking how should I do it without bickering with him too much to the point where we might go into a heated argument. If I asked a friend, it would imply I'm a coward but thanks.

Personally I would say castrate him and see how he likes being dehumanised but in case that fails ignore him and he will try fix up what hes done bad to you. Or he will be angry at you. Either way he thinks about your friendship in a defferent light that he obviously doesnt do now.

Thanks for the advice. I'll see what I can do.

I would read all of it if it wasn't for the color of the text. Can you make a TLR version ?

Thanks but no thanks. By the way, the green box was a mistake.

 

[Nojerom]

Good luck, Candeh ^^ !!

 

[revarai20]

Hey sorry to hear you are having problems! My best suggestion is to work it out with him by talking to him and telling him how you feel and tell him what he's doing to doesn't seem fair. Not to mention that if he's going treat you like that he's obviously not respecting you at all or being a good friend he should be. You shouldn't have to tolerate with his behavior. That's my advice. Hope it goes well for you two when you talk it out!

 

[Ehres]

I agree with what Sam said. If you let him treat you like a kid when you're alone, he's not gonna think twice about humiliating you in front of your friends, because he thinks he can walk all over you. If you talk to him about it, and be harsh and firm if you have to, he's going to think that there's more to you than he thinks and he can't get away with treating you like a five-year-old, and he'll start talking to you like a rational human being. It's all about standing up for yourself and standing your ground. If he can't accept that you don't like the way he treats you, he's not much of a friend, is he? You needn't be a martyr for someone you barely know.

 

[Nintandy]

Definitely. He probably doesn't realise what he's doing, and if he does it's likely to be a result of how he deals with his other friends, or how they deal with him. Thankfully it doesn't sound too serious, and you can talk these things through. I have friends myself who aren't used to discussing their problems, and often when I have something to say they can give similar reactions. I personally am very open, and I love to have people I can trust, but that's just how I deal with things. It can be incredibly frustrating when you just need to get something off your chest and there's nobody to empathise with. Perhaps he just can't relate, or he just finds it difficult to respond appropriately.

As for the egotistical problem, some people are just like that, but go for it and let him know. If he is a friend he'll listen to you and you'll be able to come to a compromise. This probably will be a good test of your friendship actually, but in the end he'll know you better, and you may even learn a thing or two about him in return. I hope it goes well for the two of you.

 

[Danica Syer]

I must say I want to thank each and every one of you (well except for ONE person who didn't bother to give me advice and complained about the text) for giving me solid advice and whoever contributed this advice to me because I FINALLY did get to talk to him and I've gone through everything that I thought I was a problem and tried to take advice that I could remember. So far as I understand it, I was right about something: Part of it was a misunderstanding. The part about him babying me and all that shit, he apologized and he claimed that he was just joking and that I shouldn't take everything so seriously and take it like that but he promised he won't do it again. Also we have come in better terms as I did point out what could do to improve how we treat each other. He says sometimes he's just like to add on to joke and doesn't mean to come out that way and that he'll back off. He even apologized a billion times. Not to mention, when I see him these days, he doesn't treat me like he used to after all I had a logical talk about how I felt and asked him why he was doing it. Turns out that he says I remind him of his older (but dead) sister (LONG STORY, don't ask) and how he copes with her desk. Treat any girl who reminds him of her like that but it wasn't like he didn't love his sister, he actually did. Also he just thought it'd be fun to relieve the memory and I went over how I wasn't his sister and all that and he told me he knew and apologized but he also made me realize that I shouldn't be so serious and misunderstand/mistake the situation all the time. So it was true that he learned things but I also learned something and I'm glad that it came out for the both of us. I know your probably confused and or thinking 'WHAT? SERIOUSLY YOU GOTTA BE JOKING' but trust me, that's how it worked and I asked him if he needs to talk about anything, I'd be there for him. With that being said, I think we come in better terms and tried to understand each other. And no this wasn't one-two-day thing. It progressed a few days actually. If that even made sense.


So far, we have gotten along better and thanks to some of you, I did what you suggested! Considering that this thread is done and hereforth, I have nothing more to say or report. This is it.

/CLOSED and DONE.