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Fanfiction ► Gloam (a series of mini Twilight parodies)

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braver by the minute
Jun 9, 2009
Gloam: twilight, the time of day immediately following sunset

Yes, gloam is a real word and a synonym for twilight. It also sounds like a combination of "gloom" and "groan" which are two things that I want to do when I read twilight(yes i just used gloom as a verb and groan as in a i-can't-take-this-shoot-me-now groan)

This is where I'm going to post all my mini parodies of Twilight, because I love to make fun of it. If you are a fan of Twilight and can't stand when people make fun of it, go away and please don't flame me, okay?

I'll be making fun of Meyer's writing, word choice(fancy words that make no sense, overuse of murmur and glower, etc), the characters, the plot, the villains, just about everything. If you haven't read the books, then good for you but you probably won't understand these.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series or any of its characters, they all belong to Stephenie Meyer.

I. Woe is me (6/25/10)
II. Love is Blind (7/2/10)

Woe is me

In an empty hallway closet of the Cullen mansion, Renesmee Cullen was sitting down and murmuring into her cell phone.

“Yes I have a birth certificate,” she said, and tucked a strand of her shiny brown hair behind her pale, super-model looking face. “I want to make the change as quick as possible… Yes I’m over 18… No, first name only…”

As she was speaking, her mother Bella (who strangely looked the same age as Renesmee) burst through the door. The closet was instantaneously filled with light, making Renesmee’s skin sparkle more than a five year old’s arts and crafts project. Renesme took a moment to admire the beauty of her mother, because although she saw her mother everyday, she never got tired of describing her beauty (1). Bella glowered at Renesmee with her chamoise eyes.

“Nessie, what are you doing?” Bella asked.

Renesmee got to her feet and tried to hide the cell phone behind her back, but Bella could hear that the cell phone was on (2).

“RAWR!” Bella growled (3) as she leaped into the closet and wrestled the phone away from Renesmee. Then, Bella crushed the phone into phone-dust in her hand. “What do you think you’re doing Nessie? You know that you’re not allowed to talk to other people, especially not boys.” Bella gasped. “You were talking to a boy at the high school weren’t you?”

“Mommmm,” Renesmee whined, “it’s not a guy from school. I was- I was trying to get my name changed!”

Bella looked at Renesmee in surprise. “I love your name though! I thought of it all by myself. Just me, no one else.”

“Mom, a teacher called me rein-is-me on the first day of school, and now everyone calls me woe-is-me because I cry all day,” Renesmee said while glowering at Bella.

“I would have noticed if that happened,” Bella said and stomped her foot.

Renesmee glowered at the floor. “No you wouldn’t, you’re too busy staring at Daddy (4) all day to even notice that Jacob died and I’ve been crying every day for two months.”

“What? Jacob who? And sorry dear, but Edward and I have plans. We’re going for a drive in hovercar number seven.” Bella threw the phone dust at Renesmee and walked out of the closet.

Edward stared intently at Bella as she walked towards him. “What problem does the Loch Ness monster have now? It’s that werewolf guy isn’t it? I knew he was bad from the moment I smelled him. But you never do what I tell you to do you? Now put on your seatbelt and bubble wrap vest because I might go over four miles an hour this time...”

1. I couldn't resist.

2. This is because the vamps can hear everything. Everything.

3. Stephenie Meyer says that they growl a lot, but she never says what they growl like. I'm assuming that they all sound like dinosaurs, except less cool because dinosaurs are awesome.

4. BWAHAHAHA I just had to call Edward "daddy" once. Just once

Next in Gloam: Bella and Edward put their relationship knowledge to the test
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Lumen et ignem

Bronze Member
Nov 14, 2009
In the middle of nowhere
"Woe is me" was great. Can't wait for the next one.

3. Stephenie Meyer says that they growl a lot, but she never says what they growl like. I'm assuming that they all sound like dinosaurs, except less cool because dinosaurs are awesome.



Silver Member
Jan 20, 2004
Aurora, IL
This was actually pretty funny. Awesome. I noticed some typos here and there and some unnatural sounding sentences.

But it's Twilight so that's normal. Have you read Nightlite?


braver by the minute
Jun 9, 2009
This was actually pretty funny. Awesome. I noticed some typos here and there and some unnatural sounding sentences.

But it's Twilight so that's normal. Have you read Nightlite?

The awkward sentences were most likely on purpose, but would you mind pointing out the typos you saw?
I read Nightlight, and I really liked the beginning of it. I was laughing so hard, but then the middle and the end was just meh :p Have you read it?

Thanks for all the comments you guys! :)

New mini! Yay!

Love is Blind

My dearest love. More than a soul mate. Peanut butter to my jelly.(1)

Belly Bean –

Alice made me this quiz today. It’s trivial and tedious and something that only silly humans would do. It reminded me of you.

With every ounce love in the ever expanding and sparkling universe,​
(aka everything except for Jacob and that one dude Mike)​

“Edward was so nice to write me a note. It’s so thoughtful. Why doesn’t Jacob or that one guy ever write me notes?” Bella contemplated out loud. Attached to the note was a hot pink post-it-note that had a web site link written on it. Bella typed the link into her slower-than-glaciers computer, and waited for it to load.

“Ugh!” Bella exclaimed five seconds after typing in the url. “Computer, why are you so slow?”

Two seconds later, the web site popped up onto her screen. How Well Do You Know Me? It said at the top of the screen in huge, neon purple letters. Bella clicked the “take quiz here” button, and the quiz began

1. My name is Edward _____ Cullen

“Wait,” Bella said to herself, “Edward doesn’t have a middle name.” The question was fill in the blank style, so she typed Bella. She figured that if he ever got a middle name, it would be hers, because most people had their grandparents’ middle names. Since Edward’s were dead or nonexistent, then Bella was obviously the next most important person in the lineage of people to use for your middle name.

2. In my spare time, I like to
a. Glower at werewolves and mind-stalk them
b. Obsess over my girlfriend’s safety

c. Research the cure for diabetes, cancer, and other diseases

d. Fly jetpacks

“When did Edward buy a jetpack? Oh well, I’ll put c. I think he does something useful with the short amount of time he’s away from me.”

3. What do I like to collect?

a. Pet rocks and their tree habitats

b. Werewolf pelts
c. Cars
d. The leftover hair from Bella’s hairbrush

“Oooh, I definitely know this one. The Cullen mansion is surrounded by rocks and trees! A!”

4. What is my favorite color?

a. Bella’s favorite color

b. Whatever color Alice picks out

c. Something dark and broody, like my personality

d.Werewolf blood

“He’s never told me his favorite color before! How am I supposed to answer this!?!” Bella almost started hyperventilating. She was so flustered that couldn’t even guess at what his favorite color was, and skipped the question.

5. When is my birthday?

a. The day I kill Jacob (3) some unimportant dog thing

b. This Tuesday (hint hint)

c. February 31st

d. September 13th

At this point, Bella went downstairs to grab a brown paper bag. When she came back upstairs, her breathing was almost normal again, but she had a hard time getting herself to take the rest of the quiz.

6. If I could live anywhere in the world it would be…

a. Knives, Alabama

b. Far Away From Jacob Black

c. Wherever Bella is

d. London
, England

Feeling a little woozy, Bella moved her trash can closer to her, just in case.

7. My hero is

a. Buffy Summers

b. Bella

c. The guys from Apple

d. Sarah Palin

Bella threw up from the stress and dizzyness, put a new bag in the trash can, and skipped the question.

8. My career of choice is
Wolf hunter
b. Professional racecar driver

c. Bank robber

d. What Carlisle does

“Okay Bella, calm down. You know Edward better than anyone, yeah! I’ll put B. He’s sexy like that.” With this question, Bella calmed down enough to go from being bright green to the sickly white shade she normally was.

9. My favorite place to shop at is

a. The dollar store

b. Wal-Mart

c. Mike Newton’s store

d. Something with taste and class

“Just go on to the next question Bella, you can do this. You can do this without throwing up anymore too.”

10. My greatest wish is to

a. Be with Bella every second of the day

b. Eat Jacob Black

c. Invent an anti-sparkling lotion

d. All of the above

“All of the above? How am I supposed to choose now!” Bella did eenie-meenie-miney-mo in her head and landed on c. Then, with a great sigh of relief, she hit the “see my results” button.
CONGRATULATIONS, you got 0/10!

Maybe you should go talk to this person.
Or talk to someone who does.

And with that, Bella lost what was left of her lunch.

1. Originally, I had this struck through, so all three of those were crossed out. I don't know how to do that on here.

2. I had this in the font Blackadder ITC on Word. It looks beautiful.

3. I had Jacob's name struck out too. Dang KHI.
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