• Hello everybody! We have tons of new awards for the new year that can be requested through our Awards System thanks to Antifa Lockhart! Some are limited-time awards so go claim them before they are gone forever...

    CLICK HERE FOR AWARDS

Give Me Your Soul



REGISTER TO REMOVE ADS
Status
Not open for further replies.

Shadow-Love

New member
Joined
Sep 19, 2009
Messages
256
Location
In the deep Darkness
O_O OMG, another new reader. Wow, Coldman is popular. And I wanna read more, I want another chapter up soon. Consider it punishment for what you did to Cef and Lecty in K.h.a.

By the way dude, if you wanna read a good fanfic and are into anime you gotta check out K.h.a.
 

Coldman9

New member
Joined
Oct 18, 2007
Messages
793
Location
Wandering outside in the cold, looking for someone
Believe it or not Lecty the part you want is gonna be in the next one or two chapters, I haven't decided if I wanna break it up into two or not. But as SL said I owe you all something, and I always repay my debts.

Chapter 6

Murderers, theives, muggers, violent biggests.- Taruke said as Shou jumped from building to building in the darkness of night -Man I love it, most demons don't even have souls this dark.

"Would you just shut up!" Shou snapped at him as he stopped and watched a gang as they ran into a back alley with some womans purse

Geez, someone's edgy. Lighten up, it's been like four days since you've been to your parents graves. At the rate you went all week you're deffinently getting tomorrow night off.

I don't think that would be such a good thing.- Murai said as Shou jumped down and followed the gang from the shadows -We still have no idea who sent the spider demon after us. It's common sense to assume they'll try again. Plus due to his hurried collecting the police have really caught onto us.

Oh, give me a break. It's not like the police could do anything anyway. The murder weapons disappear with his powers and even if they catch him he can just bust his way outta jail.

"I said shut up you two!" Shou yelled drawing the attention of the gang.

"Oh shit!" one yelled as they all froze and began backing away "It's Black Coat, he's gonna kill us!" and suddenly began running.

"Damn it you two." Shou muttered as he sprinted forward and started cutting through the gang. He was finished in to time and stood watching the corpses for a second before jumped up onto another building.

What's your problem? You killed them without any problems didn't ya?- Taruke asked

"They called out. Someone had to hear and now they got another case to pile on top of me." Shou complained as he made his way into the inner city. More and more buildings were adorned with bright neon signs and cars were honking and blaring music loudly.

It's so noisy here.- Murai said _How do you humans deal with it? Why are we here anyway?

"Don't you feel it?" Shou said as he stopped across the street from an obviously well knows resturant.

The building was several stories high with people dining on the first three floors. On the ground floor very expensive cars where being taken by vallet's as rich, famous, and V.I.P's walked in, all dressed for the evening. The first and second floors were strickly for wining and dining but the third floor had a bar and dance floor with a band in addition to the tables. But regardless of the dark souls coming from the guests the only thing that drew Shou's attention was the man sitting at his desk on the fourth floor. He had smooth red hiar and a moustache and small beard to go with it. He wore a tuxedo that was had diamonds as the cuffs and other expensive accessories. He was talking on the phone but shortly hung up and turned around in his chair then stood up and looked out the window. Somehow he found Shou and even through they were at least 100ft apart Shou felt him looking right into his eyes. Suddenly his sense shouted out about the mans soul, something far darker and sinister than all the other before, this man was a criminal among criminals.

Wack! Everything went black as Shou felt something hard hit him on the back of his head and he fell forward.

As the darkness began to fade away Shou could hear something, music. It was muffled but still loud and close. As he opened his eyes and his senses became less clouded he could tell the music was coming from below him, and he was sitting in a chair with his hands tied behind him. As he moved to get free he found the ropes were tied masterfully and tight, then he looked around. Strangly he was in the very room where the man he had been watching was, surrounded by several men in suites with large caliber guns and pistols. He looked around the room to see it adorned with various objects. Obiously each one used to belong to a famous person and each had an intersting story behind it, the possesions of a man of great stature.

"How long have I been out?" Shou asked the men in general, getting no response "Hey, I'm talking to you idiots!"

"About five hours now." came a calm and confident voice from behind Shou. The music got temporarily louder as the door was opened then closed and the man from before walked in front of him "I apologize, sometimes the men underestimate their strength. They're not used to taking people alive."

"Why break the pattern?"

The man laughed as he walked over to a shelf containing a variety of liquors and began preparing on for himself. As he turned around Shou began struggling with the ropes, trying to hide it.

"Oh my, where are my manners?" the man said somehow catching Shou's movements "Untie him." he ordered and a guard stepped forward and but the ropes with a knife. The second he was free Shou reached onto his back but felt nothing, no sword and likely no gun either "You'll have to excuse me but I don't let guests bring weapons in when they come to see me." he was still mixing a drink.

"I'm a guest?" Shou asked sarcastically "I'd hate to be a prisoner."

The man laughed again "True. Can I offer you a drink?"

"Whatever you got." Shou said sitting up in his chair. He wasn't a drinker but he was thirsty.

When the man came back he handed Shou a tall glass filled with a golden brown liquid and a few ice cubes. He had the same thing in his hand and sipped at it as Shou downed his in one go. It had a smooth taste with a tart after taste. Luckily due to his powers and form it did'nt affect him. AS the man situated himself behind his desk a loud knocking came from the room above and there was a sound like something falling and shattering.

"Go shut those kids up." he ordered and one guard quickly left. After a minute the sounds stopped.

"Kids?" Shou asked

"Oh, nothing to worry about. Some detective just thought he'd interupt some personal business of mine so I had his children picked up on their way home from elementary school."

"Well that has nothing to do with me. But what does have to do with me is why I'm here."

"Ah yes, bring it forward." The man ordered and another guard brough a briefcase forward and set it on the desk, right in front of Shou and opened it. It was filled with cash "$100,000, for your services."

"What services?" Shou asked setting the empty glass on the desk and grabbing a stack of money

"Well you probably didn't know but some of the people you killed over the past three monthes were some business rivals of mine. When they died their clients and customers came to me and my own business increased, this is part of my thanks. And there'll be another $100,000 to follow niext month and every month that follows so long as you keep on doing what you're doing. With the exception that I stay off whatever list you're using to determine your targets."

That's a lot of money Shou.- Taruke chimed in, slightly surprising Shou

What would we do with money?- Murai asked annoyed

What couldn't we do, besides lady's love rich guys.

Ugh, that's right.- Murai sounded disgusted -You have a thing for human women.

"Well, since I've got now weapons and you'll most likely kill me if I refuse." Shou closed the case and picked it up "We've got a deal." then turned to leave.

"One more thing." the man said stopping Shou "Leave us." he ordered and the guards left the room. He stood up and walked around his desk to face Shou.

"What else do you need?" Shou asked on guard.

"Oh it's nothing I need from you, it's from those two demons inside you."The comment caught Shou by surprise and he backed up a few steps. He dropped the case and raised his fists to fight if the man attacked. "Oh, I'm not out to kill you." he said quickly

"Then how do you know about demons? How do you know I have two inside me?"

"Every organized crime syndacit has either knowingly or unknowingly dealt in some way wiht the occult. I delved into it and I have the knowledge about it. I've mastered what little human magic there is and kept track in the city incase a powerful demon ever came by. And with great luck it was two demon lords."

This man certainly knows his stuff.- Murai said

"Thank you. Now all I have is one request that I'd like the two of them to grant."

Wait, did he just tell Murai thank you?- Taruke asked surprised

"Yes I did. After mastering the magic do you really believe I won't hear your voices?"

"So what's your request?" Shou asked before Taruke could interupt more.

"Oh yes, that." the man set his drink down and faced Shou completely "I'd like to be turned into a demon."

Shou, Taruke, and Murai were silent in shock as they looked at the man. Nothing in his manner said he was joking. But turning someone, a human, into a demon, was it even possible.

"Taruke, Murai, is what he's talking about possible?" Shou asked

Yes, it's very possible.- Murai said

"Good." The man said "Then I'd like to start as soon as possible." and turned back to the desk.

"I'd never said we'd do it." Shou said stopping him. The man slowly turned around and looked at Shou coldly.

"You do realize what you're saying right? I can live without you killing off my competition, I want to be a demon." he spoke like he was ordering.

"And I'm telling you no." Shou prepared himself for whatever was coming.

"And what about the two inside of you?"

Psh, turn a worthless human into a grand demon? Such is the dream of an insect.- Murai said

"An insect?" the man asked, obviously annoyed and he reached out his hand. An orb of yellow energy appeared in it "Youv'e forgotten that I'm a master of human magic. Time to the learn it the hard way." and sent the orb at Shou.

There was no time to dodge and it connected. With a confined explosion of power Shou was sent crashing against the door and through the wall into the next room. As he sat up Shou saw it was an interogation room, blood stains remained on the floor. As he stood up the floor below him became covered in runes and the man came through the opening, another yellow orb in his hand.

"You owe me a door." he said "The runes are to keep our commotion from disterbing my customers." and sent the orb at Shou.

Shou's eyes glowed and he jumped up to the floor above. As he landed he took a deep breath then ran out into the hallway. Somewhere among the rooms his weapons had been hidden. But where. He was suddenly caught off guard as several armed men stood infront of him and started firing. Shou jumped up, kicked off against a wall, then landed in the middle of them with his hands and spun around, knocking them all out. He dodged into a room as more men came and opened fire.

"Damnit! Where are they!?" Shou yelled "Hey you two, they're manifestations of your power, you should be able to locate them!"

Don't ya think we're trying!? The damn magicians good though, he's distorting the signature so we can't pinpoint them.- Taruke snapped at Shou.

Desperate time's do call for greater power.- Murai chimed.

Oh oh oh, dibs. Heheheh move over kid.- as Taruke finished talking the icy grip sensation filled Shou again.

With a cry of pain unheard through the gun fire Shou fell on his hands and knees. His coat exploded into a much thicker black mist than usuall and began swirling around him. Suddenly it stopped and the mist exploded off him as the gun fire ceased. He stood up and was far different from before. His hair had thick streaks of white in it and his eyes had a tinge of gold to them as well, his coat had changed as well. It looked like the arms had been ripped off at the shoulders and had a blood red symbol on his back, a sideways cross with a sword stabbed into it. On his arms was armor that even covered his hands. To finish it off were two swords crossed on his back.

In the second that the gun fire stopped he quickly busted out the door and charged at them. The men were quickly trying to reload but weren't quick enough as he closed the distance and began slashing his way through them, fluidly moving between them and not touching as he painted the walls crimson. His movements were almost like a dance and he soon left a hallway of bodies behind. As he ran further down he felt more men on either side of the walls beside him and stabbed his blades through and kept charging, slicing through the men as he did. When he came to the end there was one man in his way, pointing a gun right at him.

As he fired Shou dodged the bullet and pulled his blades out from the walls and cross slashed the man. As he left the corpse behind his eye's started glowing and he jumped up to the next floor. When he landed he looked around and saw it was completely empty, no walls just open area.

"Regardless of what power you have you should have taken the deal." the man said venomously from the middle of the room.

"Sorry, Shou isn't here right now." Taruke's voice came from Shou's mouth "But I'd be happy to kill you in his place." then charged

The man prepared a yellow orb in each hand and as Taruke attack he held them out and shields blocked, although he was pushed back from the sheer strength. As he kept attacking the man kept blocking and got pushed back more and more.

"C'mon c'mon c'mon!" Taruke said irritated "It's no fun if all you do is block."

"Then try this." the man said jumping back and runes appeared underneath Tarukes feet. He was blasted into the air and the man sent both his orbs flying into him, sending him flying back from the mini explosion.

As he tumbled Taruke pushed off and recovered on his feet. The man summoned two more orbs as Taruke charged, quickly jumping from one side to the other to keep his movements unpredictable. He managed to get close and started attacking again. The man dodged the attackes and tried to strike with his orbs as well. They attacked back and forth each trying to get a strike in until they struck each other's attack and went flying back. Taruke threw one of his swords but it missed and stabbed into the ground at the mans feet. He sent both his orbs at Taruke as he charged at him again but Taruke cut through them, the halves flying in opposite directions and hittin gthe room. He brought his arm back and preparted one more as Taruke reached him but as he brought his hand forward Taruke stabed through his wrist with the sword left, let go of it, then reached down for the sword at his feet, spun around, and cut the man in half.

"Why?" the man asked as Taruke pinned his arm under his foot and pulled out his second sword "All I wanted was to a be a demon like you."

"Tch, you don't get it." Taruke smiled cruelly at the man "We never even intended to let you live." and brought his sword across, cutting off the mans head.

As he heard a commotion from the stairway Taruke broke out a window and jumped out onto a distant building. As the night air got caught up into a wind he took a deep breath and sighed.

"Heh, got an couple hours left till I gotta go back to taking up space." he said looking at the city "It'd be a pity to waste it." and smiled as he headed off.

End

Maybe not quite what I said it'd be but I got caught up in the direction it was suddenly taken and I liked it.
 

Kingdomkeylight

KKL & Don't You Forget It
Joined
Nov 6, 2007
Messages
3,818
Awards
5
Location
I have no idea XD
This is very nice and I am not just saying that I really like how you use the Gothic Style in your story, Tormented characters remote places and lots and lots of despair, death, and greed.

Can't wait to see more of this.
 

Coldman9

New member
Joined
Oct 18, 2007
Messages
793
Location
Wandering outside in the cold, looking for someone
Gothic Style? I've never really thought of it like that. I guess I am kinda gothic in the story. Well it's good to know I have another fan. Hope everyone's looking forward to the next chapter, cause it's here now.

Chapter 7

"And from these three authors you can see the influence religion had during the Renessance. People were inspired more from it than anything else, ironically it also brought about great leaps in science as well," the teacher said, writing three names down on the board. Ring! The bell to dismiss school rang out. "Okay, you all take care over the weekend now. Be careful on your way home." Everyone started to pack up and leave.

"Be careful? When did he start caring about when we went home?" A student asked.

"Don't you know? It's all about Black Coat," A female student answered in a whisper. "We're supposed to be careful since the police can't catch him and have no leads."

"Oh him, the guy's starting to sound like a Death Note rip off. He only kills criminals and people suspected of crimes. Next thing you know he'll be saying he's god or something."

"You better be careful, I heard that if you badmouth him he jumps out of your own shadow and cuts your head off."

Hey that's not a bad idea. We should try that sometime.- Taruke said as Shou passed by the students.

"I swear, sometimes it's like you want me to get caught," Shou mumbled as he walked through the hallways and out the door of the school.

Hey, don't worry about that, kid. Besides, isn't tonight the night you wanted off? It's not like you'll get caught.

"Hey guys!" Shou called out rushing up to Tatsumi and Sakura outside.

"Oh, hey Shou," Tatsumi greeted as they started walking in a group

"'Hey Shou' That's all you say to me? Not one 'Happy Birthday' all day."

"Alright alright, happy birthday Shou," Sakura said, messing up his hair. "You are the whiniest seventeen-year-old I know."

"Yeah, yeah, so are you guys all set for tonight?"

"Uh, tonight?" Tatsumi asked.

"Don't tell me you forgot," Shou said punching Tatsumi's shoulder. "You're the one who bought me my concert ticket, how could you forget?"

"No, it's just that . . . well it's surprising that you're going. Not to be rude, but you've been doing anything except hanging out with us lately."

"Well I cleared tonight just for us. So you two better be free too," Shou said faking a smirk.

"Oh definitely!" Sakura yelled out happily, wrapping her arms around both boys. "Tonight's gonna be great."

"Yeah, so long as you don't scare off the band," Tatsumi said. Wack! He was sent flying into a trash can from a kick from Sakura.

As the three friends walked off back home none of them noticed the three robed figures standing on a building overlooking them. As the wind blew, it pushed back the robes and revealed they each had holes in the middle of their palms and strange web tatoos running up their arms. As Shou, Sakura, and Tatsumi left their field of vision, they stepped back and faded in the shadows.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------​
(A few hours later)

"I got three CD's for a dollar here! Three CD's for a dollar!" a vendor called out from his stall. On either side of him and everywhere else in front of concert hall were stands set up selling merchandise from the playing band.

Shou, Sakura, and Tatsumi were walking among the stalls. Shou was wearing very faded jeans and a white long-sleeve shirt under a black T-shirt featuring the band. Sakura was a wearing the same T-shirt, except it had it's sleeves torn off, and a pink miniskirt with knee high black boots. Tatsumi was wearing almost the same thing as Shou, except his jeans had a large tear on the right knee that was barely held up with what little fabric was left, and his shirt was recently purchased from a vendor and had a different picture of the band.

The three were still touring through everything with their tickets secure in their pockets and a bag of souvenirs around Sakura's arm. Apparently, it was her birthday too, since whatever caught her eye, Shou and Tatsumi bought for her. Loud music was playing from the speakers set up everywhere as a trickle of fans went into the concert hall from the crowd outside. As Sakura rushed to another vendor a trio of cute girls came by, all with their hair dyed unnatural colors and wearing band T-shirts and miniskirts.

"Well, well, what do we have here," One with blue hair said as they walked up to Shou and Tatsumi. "Don't tell us your girlfriends didn't wanna come with you two."

"Nope," Tatsumi said. "No girlfriends, we're by ourselves."

"Oh my," a girl with green hair said, faking surprise. "Well what kind of people would we be if we let you two go unaccompanied."

"What kind of gentlemen would you two be if you let us go unaccompanied?" the last girl with purple hair said as they all got closer to Shou and Tatsumi.

"They'd be smart gentlemen." Sakura said walking up from behind Shou and Tatsumi and staring down the three girls.

"Oh c'mon Sakura. You're a big girl now, you can go to concerts by yourself," Tatsumi said as he and Shou edged over to the three girls.

"Sorry," Sakura said, grabbing the boy's shoulders and pulling them back over by her. "But we've got plans together for tonight, so it looks like you're all on your own."

The girl with blue hair smirked, took out a small piece of paper, and quickly wrote something down on it. She folded it up, stepped forward and slipped it into Tatsumi's hand as the girls with green hair stepped forward to Shou.

"Ditch the little kid and come see us later." she whispered before kissing Tatsumi as the green-haired girl kissed Shou.

Before Sakura could hit them or claw at them, the three girls ran off and got lost in the crowd. After a second she started grabbing at the piece of paper Tatsumi had as he tried to read it. After doing everything to keep it out of her reach he passed it over to Shou who took a look at the message.

We'll be waiting by the fountain out front after the concert.

Before Sakura could do anything drastic, Shou and Tatsumi ran into the concert hall. Luckily, it was just about time for the band to start, so it got crowded and they lost her in the fray. Unfortunately, she met them at their seats, and after several insults and a few punches she calmed down, and they sat down to enjoy the concert. The concert went by normally, or at least as normally as Shou could let it.

Taruke and Murai were asleep, since they weren't doing anything, but even without them Shou sensed something about the girls from earlier. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but they just held his attention more than usual, and it wasn't because of the kiss.

"Shou. Shou!" Tatsumi yelled at him as the band finished a song and started preparing for the next, "Hey, you okay? You've been kinda zoned out."

"It's nothing," Shou said, faking a smile at him. "The songs just really resonate with me."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Hey wait, where's Sakura?" Tatsumi asked, looking around as the new song started.

"I'm right here," she yelled from Shou's other side, hanging off his shoulder.

"Where did you go?"

"I was thirsty, so I got some water," she opened the bottle and took a drink from it. "This is the best water ever," she said, and started laughing and swinging around Shou.

"Give me that!" Tatsumi yelled grabbing the bottle, although Sakura didn't notice. He opened it and sniffed it, then quickly recapped it and dropped it on the ground. "It's been drugged," he whispered to Shou as he reached out and grabbed Sakura.

"Drugged?" Shou asked, grabbing Sakura's bag and following the two out as they left.

"Yeah, dad's not going to like this," he said. They walked into a quieter hallway, "Hey Sakura, who'd you buy the water from?"

"Um . . . I dunno," she answered starting to act really tipsy. "There was some guy's selling water, and a lot of other girls seemed to like it. Oh wait, that's them up there." She pointed to a group of guys standing around the exit door.

As they got closer they saw they were all standing around a cooler and one was counting a stack of money. As they got closer they started to nudge each other and took notice of the trio.

"Well well, if it isn't a returning customer," the one counting the money said.

"Hi guys!" Sakura said happily waving at them. Shou kept his eye's open on them all, his sense was going crazy around them.

"That water seems to have done the trick, didn't I tell you it was good."

"Mmmhmm, sure was."

"Sakura, shut up!" Tatsumi hissed at her quietly, trying to get through the door. But one of the guys put his arm in the way.

"Hey, since you're in such a good mood why don't you come to a party with us. Even if no one else shows up we can still have a good time."

"I don't think so," Shou said, pushing the guy by the door out of the way. The others started to get up from their positions and surround him. "Tatsumi, you take Sakura, and I'll meet you outside."

"You can't be serious," Tatsumi protested as he backed up against the door.

"I'm serious." And Shou pushed them through the door, showing a smile as the door closed. "See you in a bit."

"Big mistake," one of the larger guys of the group said as he walked up to Shou, cracking his knuckles.

As he stood in front of Shou he brought his right arm back, and then brought it forward, aiming straight for Shou's stomach. There was a loud thud but when they all looked, Shou was off to the guys side and his hand was against the door. Before the pain could register in the man's mind, Shou's knee came up and with an audible cracking of a rib or two and the man was sent into the opposite wall.

As the others gawked at what just happened, he quickly went around and beat them. By the time he was done they were all bleeding from a different wound, and were lying unconscious on the floor. Shou finished wiping off his hand with a rag one of them had and threw it onto the body of the one who had been counting money.

"Consider yourselves lucky," he said coldly. "I'd normally kill you, especially since you did something to Sakura. But it's my night off." And he left through the door.

As he got outside he found Tatumi and Sakura waiting for him.

"You okay?" Tatsumi asked, walking up to him, "What happened?"

"I just had a talk with them," Shou said calmly. "They won't bother us, now let's get her home before your dad finds out."

"Oh my, seems they just couldn't wait," came a familiar voice.

Shou and Tatsumi turned around to see the three girls from before standing at the front entrance. They walked over and grouped around Shou and Tatsumi.

"Oh, no it's not that," Tatsumi said, "I just need to get her home quick." He pointed over at Sakura, who was very intrigued by her hand.

"Really? Don't you wanna spend time with us?" the blue haired girl asked, faking a hurt expression and putting her arm around Tatsumi.

"As much as I'd like to I really do need to get her home."

"Well that's no fun. But only one of you needs to take care of her right?" the green haired girl asked. "So that means one of you can keep us company."

"Well then," Shou said, backing up and heading for Sakura. "I'll take that as my cue to leave; have fun Tatsumi." He picked Sakura up as the girls laughed and pulled Tatsumi along with them.

As they disappeared from each other's sight, Shou let out a real smile, happy for Tatsumi. Meanwhile Sakura was very interested at everything that they passed, and took several minutes to check out each one. About an hour later they were only halfway back to her home.

"Hey Shou," she asked suddenly, "why are you so different now. You've been really weird lately."

"What are you talking about?" Shou feigned ignorance. "I'm the same I've always been."

"Nuh uh, you're really distant and cold. It's like you're wanting to be somewhere else and really bummed that you can't be."

"I've just . . . had a lot to think about lately. It's nothing important, just some bothersome stuff," he said, smiling at her.

"You know you can talk to me right?" Sakura said with her head hung low. "I'm your friend, I wanna help if something's wrong.

"I know," Shou said, hiding his guilt behind another smile, "And I promise, if something really important happens you and Tatsumi will be the first to know."

"Alright!" Sakura perked back up, happy as ever. "We're here." and they stepped in front of her house. All the lights were off except the front one.

"Can you go inside alright?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Sakura said, slipping out of Shou's hold and grabbed her back, planting a kiss on his cheek as she said, "Goodnight," and walked inside.

As he turned and walked away, Shou chuckled to himself. If she remembered that tomorrow, she would be so embarrassed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(The next morning)​

"New facts and murders are coming to light in the Black Coat serial murders. The police have ensured the public that everything is being done to find the criminal, and are asking for any information about his whereabouts. Meanwhile, a few websites have appeared supporting and his murders and even rallying support for him. No one knows what this controversy will do to the police," the female reporter spoke from her desk in the station as a picture of the website appeared behind her.

We've got fan's. How about that.- Taruke said, amused.

Humans, such pitifully pathetic and deceived creatures- Murai said too -But some human support could help if we ever need it.

"Is killing all you two ever think about?" Shou asked, annoyed as he finished dressing and went downstairs to the kitchen where Mako was talking on the phone, a grave look on her face. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh, Shou," she said, hanging up the phone. "That was Sakura's father, it's about Tatsumi."

"Tatsumi? Oh crap!" Shou sat down. "Look whatever happened, he can just blame me. I let him go out on his own last night, it's my fault."

"Don't say that!" Mako snapped at him, catching him by surprise. She quickly took the seat beside him and put her hand on his shoulder.

"What happened?" Shou asked worried "What happened to Tatsumi?"

"I'm sorry Shou," she said, looking straight at him. Shou noticed the tears welling up in her eyes, "He's dead. They found his body this morning."

End​

So what did you all think. I'm pretty sure I ended it well. And major credit goes to Ragnell 37 for helping me with the chapter.
 
Last edited:

Evello

The Radiant Hero
Joined
Jun 23, 2009
Messages
1,589
Awards
6
Age
31
Location
north
I already told you, but I loooooooove the end of this chapter. It takes guts to kill off your main character's best friend, and the way you ended a fairly light chapter with something stunning like that was awesome. Really great chapter.

And now you've got us all wondering what happened. I can't wait for the next chapter.
 

Lectori Salutem

secretly sadistic
Joined
Jun 15, 2007
Messages
1,100
Location
Not where you are, obviously...
Hehe, Death Note rip-off^^ It's you who said it!^^

Anyway, very good. First he has a nice time, when suddenly it becomes all miserable. Add the possibilty to have Shou think it's all his fault. I really pity the poor boy... But I really like the chapter!^^
 

Coldman9

New member
Joined
Oct 18, 2007
Messages
793
Location
Wandering outside in the cold, looking for someone
I'm glad you all liked it. I'm pretty sure you'll all like the next chapter. And I'll just tell you all something here. Tatsumi's death is almost like a trade off, there's another important character coming in. But in the end I thought having Shou's best friend die would be a very painful moment for him and deepen his sorrow and sadness.
 

Coldman9

New member
Joined
Oct 18, 2007
Messages
793
Location
Wandering outside in the cold, looking for someone
All will be revealed in time. On another note sorry the next chapter is coming out late but some stuff that I've been pushing off for a while's come up and I'm having to rush through it, I'll get it out as soon as I can.

Also I realized I probably forgot to give credit to Ragnell 37 for helping me with my chapters. Sorry man.
 
Last edited:

Annoyance

Silver Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2004
Messages
4,621
Awards
11
Age
33
Location
Aurora, IL
Website
twitter.com
I was originally going to do a critique on this one but kept getting distracted until I forgot.

Oops.
:3
All critisism is helpful, even if you're gonna tell me you hate the story.
Hm.

Rain came beating down on the hard, still warm pavement of the city.
Really choppy and doesn't really work for an opening. Just needs some rewording and rearrangement and it should be good.

In the darkness it was only distinquishable to see he was wearing a black raincoat.
distinguishable. This sentence is also worded kind of odd, don't you think? I think it may be that you just don't really have that much flow. You're more of just stating a bunch of facts with the general words that come to mind... I know, that sounds really dumb, but try to fix that if you get what I'm saying. Use different words, rearrange it. It helps if you read it all out loud to yourself, too. You notice a lot of issues.

He stopped infront of a door in the allyway, it was set back into the wall aways and in the shelter was a very muscular man with his arms crossed. (1) As the figure walked up tot (2) he door he looked over (3) at the boucer (4), prepared for if he was (5)denied entry. He (6) grabbed the door handle and opened it up, he (7) strolled inside when the bouncer didnt' (8) move.
(1) This sentence needs some work. All the description like that just make it look odd and out of place. I guess the word to use here is blend. Blend it all a bit better. You could use that for a lot of the story. It's like chunky peanut butter, man. Make me some creamy peanut butter.
(2) to. totototot.
(3) I think maybe "looked up" would show that the bouncer is also a bit more intimidating and just adding a bit more imagery and description.
(4) Bouncer.
(5) I'm not sure this part is even necessary or if it should just be completely rewritten. Maybe "fully prepared for whatever may happen to him"... I don't know. Seems pretty weird including it.
(6) First off, I thought the bouncer opened the door. Second, wouldn't a bouncer be in front of the doorway and step aside to someone who's allowed in then go back?
(7) Repeating "he" a bunch of times when there are two men shown is just asking for trouble.

I'm seeing a lot of typos so far, dude. Try to fix that. You should try making some friends read over your work before posting it up or just saying "this is the final draft."
Edit it, look over it, edit some more, and repeat.
I'm gonna point them all out for you, 'kay? 'kay.

As he stepped inside (1) he was overtaken by the smell of smoke, alcohol, dried blood, and other bodily fluids. The bar was dimmly lit and only the(2) hanging lights over the pool tables provided [THE ONLY] decent lighting. The crowd in the bar was deffinently (3) a rough crowd, almost (4) everyone had a hidden (5) weapon on them. But (6) luckily [COMMA] few looked his way (7) as he crossed the floor and took a seat in a booth by himself.

"What can I get you?" asked a waitress who looked like she wanted to be anywhere else. (8)

"Whatever." the firgure (9) answered [SIMPLY] leaving the waitress to go back and order something at random for him.
(1) "As soon as he stepped inside," would probably work better.
(2) Omit.
(3) definitely.
(4) "and nearly" would work better here, I think.
(5) "concealed" or maybe not even having anything like that. your call.
(6) Omit.
(7) Noticed him.
(8) "obviously hated her job more than anything else" fits this sentence a bit more than just wanting to be somewhere else. It works a lot better for a waitress in a bar like this. I don't really like the phrase "i want to be anywhere else than this" but that's just a personal pet peeve.
(9) There would be a comma instead of a period for a quote like this. And also, figure.

When she (1) left he looked over at another booth a few booths away (2) where a gang sat drinking [LOUDLY]. There were seven in total, five guys and two girls. The one sittin in the middle of the booth wore a leather jacket over a black shirt and his long blonde hair was messy and unwashed, obviously the leader. (3) As the waitress came back and dropped off a drink [COMMA] they caught each others attention. The gang leader jumped over his booth and quickly moved to where the figure was sitting and took a seat opposite of him in the booth. (4)
(1) the waitress
(2) near him.
(3) Seems kind of like useless information, really, else than like, their genders and what they're wearing. Gang members are generally pretty faceless. And I don't really understand why the grossest one would be the leader. Leaders of gangs would usually be the best off with the nicest things, etc.
(4) This is probably the worst section I've seen so far. I don't understand it. There's absolutely no reason ANY of this else than saying that the gang is obviously violent. The man looked in their direction, they'd probably just give a "whatchu lookin' at" and be done with it. You could execute this a lot better.

"You got a problem wit us?" he asked gruffly.
And not have something as UTTERLY TERRIFYING as this.

"No, I was just listening in on your conversation." the figure replied taking a drink. (1)"You wouldn't happen to have been talking about that old lady (2) that was beaten to death a few days ago, would you?"

"Yeah, cause it was us who done the old bag in."

"What was in her purse that you wanted so badly?"

"Eh?" the gang leader looked confused then started laughing "It wudn't her purse we was after, we just wanted to beat soemone. (3)"
(1) Comma instead. also in this sentence, you should probably state that he's doing this calmly.
(2) uuuuuuh. they weren't even being described as talking loudly enough for everyone to hear or even the guy to hear. the way you wrote about them up there was that they were just sitting there. being a gang. and maybe menacing.
(3) CLEARLY they're bad. Ugh. You could have done it in so many other ways. I blame the economy. Also, someone.

I'm going to stop here for now and ask you what you think.
 

Evello

The Radiant Hero
Joined
Jun 23, 2009
Messages
1,589
Awards
6
Age
31
Location
north
I'm seeing a lot of typos so far, dude. Try to fix that. You should try making some friends read over your work before posting it up or just saying "this is the final draft."
Edit it, look over it, edit some more, and repeat.
I'm gonna point them all out for you, 'kay? 'kay.
I've started looking over the chapters from seven on. I'm gonna help edit the older ones soon. So if you have the time, check out 6 and 7 and see if I'm missing anything.

EDIT: Dang, I just reading over 7 again, and I noticed several mistakes I missed... lol I didn't correct the spelling of Renaissance.
 

Annoyance

Silver Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2004
Messages
4,621
Awards
11
Age
33
Location
Aurora, IL
Website
twitter.com
I've started looking over the chapters from seven on. I'm gonna help edit the older ones soon. So if you have the time, check out 6 and 7 and see if I'm missing anything.

EDIT: Dang, I just reading over 7 again, and I noticed several mistakes I missed... lol I didn't correct the spelling of Renaissance.

I'll leave that up to Coldfan because there are plenty of other things else than typos in this.

It's very slow and chunky.
Everything is just stated how it is without much flow or direction. It just doesn't work for me. Just going BLAH BLAH THIS HAPPENED BLAH BLAH THEN THIS HAPPENED BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH... well, it just isn't as beautiful.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top