Fanfiction ► Gears Of War - Factory Of Death

[Mythological Omega]

Okay, this is my FIRST fan fic, so bear with me. Now, Gears of War is an incredibly violent game, so this fan fic will be the same. So mods, I apologize.

Prologue

Marcus Fenix. This is the name that has been on everyone's lips for over 30 years. It was he who infiltrated the Locust mines; it was he who defeated Genral RAAM; it was he who set off the Lightmass Bomb and eradicated the nightmarish Locust Horde. After his brave exploits, the humans of Sera thought they had seen the last of the Locust Horde. They were wrong. There have been multiple reports about a massive amount of Locust activity inside an enormous, abandoned factory. The Coalition of Organized Governments (COG) has been called on, once again, to resolve this issue. One of the soldiers.........

Chapter 1

"Fenix!" shouted colonel Hoffman. "Fenix! Get those damn headphones out of your ears!" He walked over to Sean Fenix, son of Marcus Fenix, and yanked the headphones out of his ears. "OW! Shit, that hurt!" he yelled. Sean was short for his age of 21. He keeps his short brown hair spiked. Like Marcus, Sean will see anything he does through to the end. Each soldier dons their father's armor. Hoffman glared at him with his deep blue eyes. "Men," he declared, "today is a great day. You four are the finest gradutes out of the academy that I've seen since your fathers: Sean Fenix, Leo Santiago, Brain Cole, and Dane King. I'm sending you to the factory to defeat the Queen and destroy the Locust, once and for all. Fenix, your father will be feeding you intel as you advance the factory; be sure to listen to him." Leo, much like his father, Dom, has a dark tan, and he is always nonchalant, even in the face of danger. He has long brown hair that he usually keeps tied in a ponytail. He has soft, blue eyes. Brian is extremely smart and views everything from an anylytical standpoint. Unlike his father, Brian is not very athletic. He has very short brown hair and piercing red eyes. Dane, like Baird, has an extremely cocky attitude. He lets his long red hair hang behind him, and is never caught without sunglasses. Sean nodded his head. "Yes, sir," he replied. "Good," said Hoffman. "Come over here and take your weapons. Dane raised his hand. "Yes, private?" he asked. "Sir, can I use a sniper rifle? I am the best sniper here, after all." "I'm sorry, private. We need all the Longshot rifles here. If you want weapons, you'll have to kill Locust for them," was his reply. "That's bullshit!" Dane yelled. "Dane, mellow out," Leo said. "Alright, boys, you all have your weapons?" Hoffman asked. "Yep," they replied, "4 Lancer Assault Rifles, 4 Shotguns, 16 frag grenades, and 4 pistols," said Brian as he counted the weapons. "Good," replied Hoffman as he opened the door. "Good luck, boys. Fenix, be sure to listen to your father." "Yes, sir," he replied as Hoffman closed the door. "Well, we're f*cked," said Sean.​

Take it easy on me, okay?

 

[Iwrestledabearonce]

Not bad. Actually, pretty good. My only suggestion is to add more detail to the characters. Meaning backstory, looks, thoughts on the Locust, etc.

Other than that, I'd say you're doing pretty good. *thumbs-up*

 

[Mythological Omega]

Thanks for the feedback, DA. I'll get chapter 2 up soon.

 

[King Naruto]

This sounds like it will be a promising fanfic. I say you should make longer chapters. Da said everything else. Good job man.

 

[Mythological Omega]

I'll work on Chapter 2 tommorow at school, and I'll try to have it up tommorow night. Glad you guys like it, thanks for the feedback.


EDIT: Nevermind, I'm starting now.

Chapter 2

"Wait a minute, don't we need a sergeant?" asked Leo as they walked away from the academy. They all glanced back and forth at each other. "Well," said Sean, "MY dad was a sergeant in his day, so I vote that I be named sergeant." Brian glared at him. "Why you?" he demanded. "I'M the most logical person here; I should be sergeant." Suddenly, the earth began shaking violently. "Emergence Holes!" yelled Leo. "TAKE COVER!" yelled Sean. Sean, Leo, and Dane ran for cover, but Brian took out his grenades and ran toward the hole as the Locust were climbing out. "Brian!" yelled Sean. "What the f*ck are you doing?!" "Proving that I can be sergeant," he yelled back. He ran up to a Drone, tagged it with a grenade, and began running away. "He won't make it," said Sean, angrily. Dane quickly pulled out his pistol and blasted the Drone back into the Hole as it exploded. Brian ran up to them, laughing. "You see that?" he asked. Sean glared at him, angrily. "You dipshit!" he yelled. "What were you thinking!? You could've been killed! I think it's obvious who DOESN'T deserve to be sergeant." Dane suddenly spoke up. "Ahem. I think I deserve to be sergeant. I acted rationally and shot the exploding Locust back into the Hole, killing the others and sealing the Hole." Leo shook his head. "That's true, you were too crazy, Brian, and you were too worried, Sean." Sean looked at the ground. "Yeah, I guess you're right, Leo," he said. "All in favor of Dane for sergeant, raise your hand." He raised his hand. Leo and Brian also raised their hands. "Then it's decided," said Dane, "I'm the sergeant."​

 

[Stavvy]

I like it, but it's shorter than my chapters. . .and that's kinda sad. . .try to write more, just ellaborate more. Give more personality to all of the characters.

8/10

 

[dark invader]

This definately has potential to be very promising later on, but currently, as others have already mentioned, your lacking in length. Detail can be improved, but other than those minor touches, you story is very good. It's definately something that I will be checking up on later to see how it has progressed.

 

[Mythological Omega]

Thank you for your feedback everyone; I really appreciate it. I'm not very good at writing very long chapters, so I aplogize for that. Anywho......

Chapter 3

"Sean? Sean, can you hear me? Over." Sean pressed his fingers to his ear. "Yeah, Dad, I can hear you. Over," he replied. "You're still a few miles away from the factory; be sure to watch out for your squad," said Marcus. "Copy that. Fenix out," he replied. He glanced nervously at Leo, Brian, and Dane. Suddenly, he felt the earth shake beneath him. "They're coming," he said, "check your ammo." Just then, 3 Emergence Holes appeared. "Take cover!" yelled Dane. Suddenly, a bullet flew past Dane's head, narrowly missing him. "Sniper!" he yelled. "Leo, I need you to cover me as I-- Leo? Leo?" He spun around to see Leo chainsawing a Drone in half. "Shit yeah!" he yelled. "Throwin' frag!" yelled Brian as his grenade landed in one of the Holes, sealing it upon explosion. "Dane," yelled Sean, "the Sniper's dead. Go for the rifle; I'll cover you." The Locust were rapidly advancing on their position. "Die, groundwalker!" one of them yelled as it shot at Dane. "Oh, no you don't," said Sean as he climbed over his cover. "What are you doing!?" yelled Leo as he chainsawed another Drone. Sean quickly pulled out his Shotgun and blew the guts out of the Drone that was running towards Dane. "Eat shit and die!" he yelled as the second Hole sealed shut. Dane finally reached his rifle. "Got it!" he yelled. He quickly ran behind some cover so he could check his ammo. "Shit, only 3 bullets," he sighed. He peered over his cover looking for a clear shot, but instead found himself face-to-face with a Drone. that last thing everyone heard for several minutes was the ring of the gunshot. The Drone's headless body crumpled and fell to the ground. The entire battleground seemed lifeless and still for several minutes until Sean spoke up. "Maybe we're NOT completely f*cked after all," he said.​

Like I said, not good at writing long chapters. I'll work on it though. I edited Chapter 1, btw.

 

[Iwrestledabearonce]

Well, I say go in baby steps. See that chapter? Make the next about that PLUS half of that (1.5 paragraphs.) Do that for a bit, and go to that length times itself, and continue doing that.

 

[Haywire]

^i agree. great fanfic. the first one in a while that i liked and commented on. looking foward to next chapter!

 

[Mythological Omega]

Yeah, I'm bringing it back.

Chapter 4

"Damn....," Sean muttered as he gazed at the massive factory in front of him. It stood well over 7 stories tall, and about 50 meters wide. Dane began looking around. "I smell death in those walls," he muttered. Slowly, the squad stepped inside.

The factory was pitch black when they entered. "Can't see a damn thing," Leo said aloud. Sean tossed him a flashlight, which he dropped. While he was fumbling for it, he felt a sharp pain in his arm. Quickly pulling it back, he ran back towards the entrance to examine it. "F*CK!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled as he gaped at his arm. It had been entirely eaten away; only the bone was left visible. Sean looked at Leo's arm, then at the ceiling. "Kryll," he murmered, "everyone, get your flashlights." He found Leo's flashlight and gave it to him, then he turned on his own. Dane and Brian did the same. They were quickly able to leave the room unscaved.

After escaping the Kryll infested room, the squad found themselves in a large room with cages lined along the walls. A skylight was positioned on the ceiling, filling the room with sunlight. A long stand with 4 strange looking weapons was located in front of them. "My arm..," Leo muttered as Brian stared at the weapons. Cautiously, he picked one of them up and examined it. Sean walked over to him. "What the hell is it?" he asked. Before Brian could answer, 8 of the cage doors opened, and a Berserker emerged from each of them. "BERSERKERS!" yelled Dane, "shoot the skylight; we need open sky to use the Hammer of Dawn!" Instead of arguing, Sean and Brian did as he said, rolling out of the way when a Berserker would charge at them. "Brian, fire your Hammer," Dane ordered. Brian took steady aim with his Hammer, pulled the trigger, and an explosive beam came down on top of a charging Berserker, killing it. After many Hammer blasts, the room was soon emptied of the Berserkers. Sean looked at his Hammer. "That was too damn close," he muttered.​

Advice is still welcome!