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First Thing I've Posted Here... Opinions?

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Apr 14, 2006
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The Shire
I started a forum RPG on another site, and was compelled to write a prologue for one of my characters. I didn't think it was getting enough attention on DeviantART (lol) so I figured I'd post it here to see what people thought about it. It's only a quick 5 hour, 2,246 word piece, but it's decent. However, it's nowhere near the length or quality of my usual writing. It's quite below it.

The character it involves ages six times slower than the average human, and he interacts with two of my other characters during the course of the prologue. It's set in a world of my own creation.

~>Luther's Prologue by ~IBeatSephiroth on deviantART<~


~Year 1345~

A teenager, around the age of sixteen, bounded down a paved road. He laughed as if at some great humour and dodged past people on the streets. They wondered what was so fun to make a soldier-in-training act in such a way. He was followed by another, a female around four years younger.
They both appeared to have nothing better to do, but were travelling as if determined to arrive at some far-off location. Eventually, they stopped and gazed up at the impressive building before them.
"See Ranzer?" The boy asked; "This is the Order's Ceavis headquarters. One day I'm going to be a captain. I'll be of high rank and I'll make things better for our parents." He held an arrogant smirk the whole time.

"But a Lupus will never be accepted into the Order. You'll be killed." The girl said. She paused; "It is great luck that my parents took you in before the soldiers could deal you any more injuries. Apparently my real brother died before I was born, also trying to enter the Order." She remembered, believing without a doubt what her parents had told her.
"You were lucky you were found by a high-class family that happen to contain Lupus. Any other would become suspicious and you would have been dead by now." Ranzer stated, crossing her arms. Her voice took on a more serious tone, now. The older teen glanced at her.
"Heh, yeah... Hey, what did they say your brother's name was?" He quickly asked, taking his eyes away from the towering edifice. Ranzer hesitated a moment.
"Uh, Kahnn. Why?"

"I may have gone to school with him. There was a guy in my class that always boasted that he came from a wealthy family and that one day he was going to become a soldier. He always looked... odd. He was a Lupus, at least partly anyway." He said, trailing off; "Well, I think we should be getting home. The sun's setting and the patrols'll start soon."


An hour later they were eating dinner with their parents, a Lupus woman with silky black hair and golden eyes, and a Human man with dirty blonde hair and brown eyes. The man appeared quite older than his wife but she was obviously of far greater age.
“Hey, why did the Lupus get culled, anyway?” The teen, referencing the culling ten years before, asked after finishing a mouthful of mashed potato; “We’re not so bad.”
“But some of them are.” Their father said with a slight sigh; “I’ve encountered Lupus criminals who’d killed multiple guards completely unarmed, and without even taking their wolf forms. One of them almost got to me, but a sword took care of that situation.”

Later the teen trained. There were multiple things in the house that he could use as exercise equipment, and that is exactly what he did. The stronger I am, the more likely they’ll be able to recruit me. This is the only thing that suits me, I’ll be a soldier, I’ll get fame and be able to change the world -- Abolish this fear of the Lupus! He continued to concentrate and make himself stronger for nearly two hours before stopping for the night.
“Hey, why are we lying to Ranzer?” He probed as his mother walked past; “Why shouldn’t she know I’m her real brother and not adopted?” He crossed his arms upon asking, seeming a little disgruntled.
“Well, Luther, we want her to be cautious of the Order, because you are entering it. Someone has to carry on the Lupus tradition, and you are going to live as a Human. Who knows, maybe she will return to Trenal, my homeland.”
Luther tilted his head, sceptical.
“We want both of our children to survive, it was a miracle that you both have come this far without being discovered. Even I live in secret, the Order thinks I am a human now.” She wasn’t wearing her jacket now and a long, deep scar down her right arm was visible. It shone bone white against her pale skin.
“Now, you need to sleep. I’m sure you haven’t forgotten what is scheduled tomorrow.” She said, in an extraordinarily soft voice.

Luther sighed. Yeah, the tryout… I’ve gotta be ready in the morning so I can give the best impression possible. He smirked to himself as he headed to the bathroom, first brushing his teeth before heading to bed.

The next morning Luther woke early. He showered, dressed, and had a large breakfast. He retrieved a sword from his wardrobe, attaching the scabbard to his belt.
He left at dawn, before anyone else in the family had woken.


By the time he arrived at the Ceavis headquarters, the sun had risen properly and there was already a large group of people gathered in its training yard. He approached them, setting his satchel down near the wall.
“I’m Luther Orbaine.” He announced, looking at the captain who was to be recruiting them. With a nod, he pointed out a place for Luther to stand. The teen walked there while making quick glances at the others. Most of them were biologically older than he was, and mostly Humans and Caravin.
“You are all here because you intend on joining the order. Some of you have much more skill than others, but that is only one of the factors measured in the recruitment process. Personality, fitness and other skills are also important, among other things.” The captain began; “Think of this as a competition. You will be scored based on your performance in each of the thirty activities in this tryout, and anyone who comes out with a score above ninety percent will be accepted into the Order as a Soldier Alpha.
Do not expect this to be easy. It is a rigorous course designed to allow only the best into the Order military. You WILL be pushed to or over your physical limitations.”

Luther listened intently. It sounded almost fun, like a giant obstacle course. His eyes shone with anticipation and his hand subconsciously moved to his sword.
“You will be using the supplies you have brought with you, no weaponry will be provided until you pass.” The captain said, stern.
Luther smirked at this. Most of the other hopefuls were completely unarmed and had grown bewildered and worried expressions.
“All eyes to the front! I am to explain your first task!”


The first of thirty challenges was a basic obstacle course with nets, ladders, barriers, logs walls and the like. Luther found this easy, being quite athletic.
Most of the others were enjoyable also, except for the few that involved felling a very large, and fierce, animal, on their own. It took all day, but by late afternoon four hopefuls had collapsed, two were injured and seven were complaining of aching muscles. The captain laughed.
“You will be dealing with far more than that as soldiers!” He said, glancing up from his notepad. He was tallying the scores and determining the highest.
“Alright… Ren Alrio, Truila Yirh, Luther Orbine, and Greave Hzendril have all graduated. Everyone else, you will have to try again."

Luther could feel himself grinning like an idiot, along with the four others that were accepted. He was rather proud of his achievement Finally, after three years of training.…


~Year 1358~

“I’ve had it with this place! I’ve had enough of hiding! I’m going to Trenal!” Ranzer shrieked, a backpack slung over her shoulder. She seemed furious and stalked straight to the door, roughly opening it.
“Hey! That’s not a good idea!” A now biologically eighteen Luther advised, following his sister; “Trenal’s dangerous! There’s no telling what’s going to happen there!” By now he’d been promoted, now a Soldier Gamma.
“Let her go. His father said; “If that is what she wants her destiny to be, then so be it. Maybe one day you will both be reunited.”
Luther groaned and turned around.
“I don’t have time for this crap. I’ve got to get to H.Q before I miss my briefing!” It did look as if he was ready to embark on a mission, fully equipped.


“We all know that several small paramilitaries have developed over the last few years. The suspicion is that they are becoming larger, and the latest arson attacks have been caused by one situated just outside of this city.” The major giving the squad its briefing explained; “There may be many of these insurgents; that is why we are sending three squads of ten on this particular mission.”

Over the years Luther completed countless missions and tasks, being promoted many times. He soon became a well-respected Lieutenant and was made head of his squad. This group had trained with him for more than ten years now, and most were convinced that he just aged very well. None ever discovered the secret.

~Year 1414~

Luther found himself called out to a rather odd mission just after he reached the biological age of twenty three. This wouldn’t have stood out from the others if it weren’t for the fact that he was in a n exceptionally large squad and was tracking a runaway Varanu man and his accomplice, by the names of Fenlan and Riel Sernard. They were accused of thievery, assault and possibly fraud.
He quickly found the fugitive pair, his squad catching up eventually. The two criminals were accompanied by a child, a small girl. She couldn’t possibly be a criminal too, could she?
The two adults split from each other, the younger accomplice stopping to pick up a lizard. Luther took his chance and used this moment to order his troops to assemble in the nearby trees with hand signals. They did so quickly and efficiently, being sure to stay out of their targets’ line of sight.
Fenlan stopped where he was, turning to call to the other two. This was the best moment.

“Halt, Fenlan! You will surrender or be killed!”

Luther’s squad members sprung out of their hiding places, immediately alerting both adult Varanu. They drew their swords. They would fight.
Riel, the younger one, turned back to the child and scooped her up as a Solder Omega’s sword sliced open her cheek.. They disappeared behind a group of trees and the eldest re-emerged with sword drawn.
Now Luther decided to join the skirmish, watching as several of his comrades were cut down, one after the other. These are no amateurs!
After a few minutes, Fenlan took a blade through the heart. Not long afterward, Riel was killed.

“You could have been a lot more subtle, you know!” he complained; “What about the stolen goods? We’re never going to retrieve them, now. We’ll probably fail this mission.” He crouched and fumbled around in Riel’s pockets, quickly pulling out a small silver charm.
“Well, that’s one thing! Search the bodies, I’ll go find that kid.”
With that, Luther walked to the area Riel had briefly disappeared to. The area stunk quite badly, affecting his ability to pick up hominid scent. Either there was something rotten nearby or there was a carnivorous plant that gave off a horrid smell.
The hybrid looked around, searching as best he could with his nose covered. Upon being unsuccessful, he gave up and returned to his squad. There they had a brief discussion before deciding to return to base.


“It is rare that you fail a mission, Luther.” A major chastised; “So this occurrence is indeed a sight to behold. This time, you and your squad have failed for killing two criminals who needed to be questioned. Your goal was to detain, even if they drew their blades. Not to mention several of your comrades were killed in the process.” He seemed rather angry, and wasn’t even making eye contact with the Lieutenant.
“You are all to be given two weeks’ leave.”

~Year 1425~

Newly promoted to Captain rank and awarded an ebonhorn, Luther was set on night patrols with two other Order soldiers. Tonight he had become lazy and had fallen quite far from the pair under his command. They were almost out of site now, but he knew the route well and always knew where they would be.
“Hey! Stop!”

The alarmed voice of one of the soldiers alerted Luther, the captain making his mount gallop to where they would be. As he arrived and caught a glimpse of the spotted criminal the other shouted her an order to stop. Being the typical trouble-maker, she didn’t and instead decided to flee.
Luther turned his horse the other way, planning to head her off. He chased the criminal into an alleyway, cornering her and leaving the ebonhorn waiting on the street. He drew his sword, half-wondering at the rather rough handling of the bird clinging to her wrist.
“It’s over. You can’t run anymore.” He warned, slowly walking forward. When the captain was around two metres away he stared for a moment. He tilted his head and took off his helmet for a better look.

“You don’t look dangerous at all!” Luther exclaimed; “There’s no way I’m going to kill you… He trailed off, staring at her ears. Heh, she’s pretty cute for a Varanu… She seemed sceptical, understandably. The captain stopped, about four feet away from the criminal.
“Get out of here! Go!” He demanded, sheathing his sword.
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