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Well, I was reading some LOTR fan works--Fellowship Condensed, Two Towers Condensed, and Return of the King condensed, and they were hilarious. So I figured I'd give it a try with FFX--make it short, to the point, and funny.
NO OFFENSE is meant to the Final Fantasy series or FFX's plot--it's an amazing game, I love it to death. I'm a big Yuna/Tidus fangirl, as a matter of fact. Which is why I spent the time condensing it, because it's worth it. (And who doesn't want to have the opportunity to parody something involving Seymour?)
WILL BE UPDATED SOON. PLOT SPOILERS GALORE, DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF/PLAN TO PLAY FFX.
RATED PG-13 TO FOR (note: I've censored it anyway) LANGUAGE AND SOME SUGGESTIVE INNUENDO. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. THIS IS A PARODY, PLEASE DO NOT FLAME DEFENDING THE GAME'S ACTUAL PLOT!
_____________________________
FINAL FANTASY X CONDENSED
TIDUS: Ha-llo, ladies.
GIRLS: *giggle* Good luck tonight!
TIDUS: No sweat.
KIDS: Hey, can you--
TIDUS: Shut it, I’m busy.
FAYTH: Stop flirting.
TIDUS: Make me. Wait...whoa!?
TIDUS plays in a blitzball game, and the town gets suddenly annihilated. He miraculously survives a 200-foot fall and runs on.
TIDUS: What the…Auron?
AURON: It’s here.
TIDUS: What’s here?
AURON: I’m going to play mysterious.
TIDUS: Oh. Brilliant. No, seriously.
AURON: It’s been ten years.
TIDUS: Um…okay.
SINSPAWN: Grar.
TIDUS: AAAH!
AURON: Here, take this.
TIDUS: Oooh, big shiny pointy thing.
AURON: Know how to use it?
TIDUS: Nope, got no clue.
TIDUS falls on his duff. AURON and TIDUS beat up some sinspawn.
TIDUS: Oh goody. We’re surrounded.
AURON: Go hit that tanker.
TIDUS: Isn’t that…suicide?
AURON: Yeah, so?
TIDUS and AURON destroy the tanker, which annihilates what’s left of the city and sends TIDUS flying. AURON grabs him by the collar. AURON chucks TIDUS into swirling vortex, known as SIN. TIDUS wakes up hours later in an unknown location and navigates to the middle of a deserted temple.
TIDUS: This sucks.
KLIKK: Tell me about it.
TIDUS: GAH!
KLIKK: Oh yeah…grar.
TIDUS begins to fight giant fiend and gets his ass kicked. AL BHED PARTY blows the door in. GIRL joins TIDUS.
TIDUS: Sweet.
GIRL: *gibberish*
TIDUS: Oh kayy…
KLIKK is defeated. TIDUS turns to PARTY.
TIDUS: Hey guys! Wow, am I glad you found—
BROTHER: *gibberish*
TIDUS: Um, right.
GIRL: *more gibberish, and moves very close to TIDUS*
TIDUS: Whoa…wanna do that one more time?
GIRL: Pervert.
GIRL knees TIDUS in stomach and he is knocked out. TIDUS wakes up aboard their ship in an unknown sea.
TIDUS: Mmmrghf…
BROTHER: *gibberish*
TIDUS: Shaddup.
GIRL: He says you have to help out with our suicide mission.
TIDUS: Yeah, sure. NOT.
GIRL: *lifts knee threateningly*
TIDUS: All right, then, fine.
TIDUS and GIRL salvage ancient machine underwater and kill a giant fiend. Back onboard…
TIDUS: Need…food…
GIRL: Here, take this.
TIDUS: *chokes on it*
GIRL: Um, okay.
TIDUS: What’s your name?
GIRL: Rikku.
TIDUS: You single, Rikku?
RIKKU: Not to you.
TIDUS: Um…right. Where are we?
RIKKU: Al Bhed territory, west of Besaid.
TIDUS: Huttawhattaschnugga?
RIKKU: Where are YOU from, anyway?
TIDUS: Zanarkand.
RIKKU: Ha. Ha. Ha.
TIDUS: What? I’m serious.
RIKKU: Did you escape from an asylum or something? Zanarkand was destroyed a thousand years ago.
TIDUS: Oh s***.
SIN conveniently attacks and dumps TIDUS on random island where, apparently, they play blitzball.
TIDUS: *gets hit with ball* Ow, dammit.
GUY: Sorry, brudda. Name’s Wakka.
TIDUS: Are you edible?
WAKKA: Um, we’ll get you something to eat, ya?
After a nap...
TIDUS: Yo.
WAKKA: Yo. Our summoner’s left for dead and I’m screwed over.
TIDUS: Goody.
WAKKA: But we can’t go up there.
TIDUS: Why not?
WAKKA: It’s a rule.
TIDUS: Like I care.
TIDUS enters temple’s sacred and forbidden hall, the CLOISTER OF TRIALS.
WOMAN: Stare one more second and you’ll get a moogle up your pants, got it?
TIDUS: *silence*
WAKKA: Eyes up here, ya?
TIDUS: *staring at woman’s cleavage* Huh? What?
A crash comes from up the stairwell, and a GIRL emerges.
GIRL: *falls down stairs*
TIDUS: Graceful much?
GIRL: I did it! I’m a summoner now, Lulu!
LULU: Good work. Let’s get you a shower, you reek.
Later, the GIRL stands in a crowd of people and summons a big BIRD. She names it VALEFOR. Everyone claps.
TIDUS: Um…yay?
WAKKA: Hey. You’re joining my team, because we royally suck.
TIDUS: Okay…
GIRL: Hi there.
TIDUS: Whoa…ha-llo.
GIRL: My name’s Yuna. What’s yours?
TIDUS: *mumbles*
YUNA: What was that?
TIDUS: I’m not allowed to tell you.
YUNA: Why not?
TIDUS: Square-Enix.
YUNA: Oh.
TIDUS: See, they decided to voice-act this time instead of just using subtitles.
YUNA: Ah, I see.
TIDUS: You were supposed to conveniently forget that formality and never refer to me by my first name.
YUNA: Oh, good to know. See you later.
WAKKA: She’s cute, ya?
TIDUS: Hell yeah.
WAKKA: Touch her and you get another ball between the eyes.
TIDUS: …got it.
A FEW DAYS LATER...
TIDUS: Whoa. Lot of...dead people here.
YUNA: Have no fear, the summoner is here!
KILIKA TOWNSPEOPLE: *bow down to her*
YUNA: I'll do my pretty dance and defy physics by walking on water and maybe you won't get killed by fiends!
KILIKA TOWNSPEOPLE: YAYYY!
TIDUS: Wow, this is creepy.
LULU: Get over it.
TIDUS: *gulp* MOMMY!
DONA: Greetings.
YUNA: Hi.
DONA: Your boyfriend looks like a Smurf.
KIMAHRI: *growl*
TIDUS: Well, yours looks like Raijin.
BARTHELLO: That was low, y’know?
PARTY runs into Temple. YUNA gets another BIG SCARY THING known as an AEON.
NO OFFENSE is meant to the Final Fantasy series or FFX's plot--it's an amazing game, I love it to death. I'm a big Yuna/Tidus fangirl, as a matter of fact. Which is why I spent the time condensing it, because it's worth it. (And who doesn't want to have the opportunity to parody something involving Seymour?)
WILL BE UPDATED SOON. PLOT SPOILERS GALORE, DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF/PLAN TO PLAY FFX.
RATED PG-13 TO FOR (note: I've censored it anyway) LANGUAGE AND SOME SUGGESTIVE INNUENDO. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. THIS IS A PARODY, PLEASE DO NOT FLAME DEFENDING THE GAME'S ACTUAL PLOT!
_____________________________
FINAL FANTASY X CONDENSED
TIDUS: Ha-llo, ladies.
GIRLS: *giggle* Good luck tonight!
TIDUS: No sweat.
KIDS: Hey, can you--
TIDUS: Shut it, I’m busy.
FAYTH: Stop flirting.
TIDUS: Make me. Wait...whoa!?
TIDUS plays in a blitzball game, and the town gets suddenly annihilated. He miraculously survives a 200-foot fall and runs on.
TIDUS: What the…Auron?
AURON: It’s here.
TIDUS: What’s here?
AURON: I’m going to play mysterious.
TIDUS: Oh. Brilliant. No, seriously.
AURON: It’s been ten years.
TIDUS: Um…okay.
SINSPAWN: Grar.
TIDUS: AAAH!
AURON: Here, take this.
TIDUS: Oooh, big shiny pointy thing.
AURON: Know how to use it?
TIDUS: Nope, got no clue.
TIDUS falls on his duff. AURON and TIDUS beat up some sinspawn.
TIDUS: Oh goody. We’re surrounded.
AURON: Go hit that tanker.
TIDUS: Isn’t that…suicide?
AURON: Yeah, so?
TIDUS and AURON destroy the tanker, which annihilates what’s left of the city and sends TIDUS flying. AURON grabs him by the collar. AURON chucks TIDUS into swirling vortex, known as SIN. TIDUS wakes up hours later in an unknown location and navigates to the middle of a deserted temple.
TIDUS: This sucks.
KLIKK: Tell me about it.
TIDUS: GAH!
KLIKK: Oh yeah…grar.
TIDUS begins to fight giant fiend and gets his ass kicked. AL BHED PARTY blows the door in. GIRL joins TIDUS.
TIDUS: Sweet.
GIRL: *gibberish*
TIDUS: Oh kayy…
KLIKK is defeated. TIDUS turns to PARTY.
TIDUS: Hey guys! Wow, am I glad you found—
BROTHER: *gibberish*
TIDUS: Um, right.
GIRL: *more gibberish, and moves very close to TIDUS*
TIDUS: Whoa…wanna do that one more time?
GIRL: Pervert.
GIRL knees TIDUS in stomach and he is knocked out. TIDUS wakes up aboard their ship in an unknown sea.
TIDUS: Mmmrghf…
BROTHER: *gibberish*
TIDUS: Shaddup.
GIRL: He says you have to help out with our suicide mission.
TIDUS: Yeah, sure. NOT.
GIRL: *lifts knee threateningly*
TIDUS: All right, then, fine.
TIDUS and GIRL salvage ancient machine underwater and kill a giant fiend. Back onboard…
TIDUS: Need…food…
GIRL: Here, take this.
TIDUS: *chokes on it*
GIRL: Um, okay.
TIDUS: What’s your name?
GIRL: Rikku.
TIDUS: You single, Rikku?
RIKKU: Not to you.
TIDUS: Um…right. Where are we?
RIKKU: Al Bhed territory, west of Besaid.
TIDUS: Huttawhattaschnugga?
RIKKU: Where are YOU from, anyway?
TIDUS: Zanarkand.
RIKKU: Ha. Ha. Ha.
TIDUS: What? I’m serious.
RIKKU: Did you escape from an asylum or something? Zanarkand was destroyed a thousand years ago.
TIDUS: Oh s***.
SIN conveniently attacks and dumps TIDUS on random island where, apparently, they play blitzball.
TIDUS: *gets hit with ball* Ow, dammit.
GUY: Sorry, brudda. Name’s Wakka.
TIDUS: Are you edible?
WAKKA: Um, we’ll get you something to eat, ya?
After a nap...
TIDUS: Yo.
WAKKA: Yo. Our summoner’s left for dead and I’m screwed over.
TIDUS: Goody.
WAKKA: But we can’t go up there.
TIDUS: Why not?
WAKKA: It’s a rule.
TIDUS: Like I care.
TIDUS enters temple’s sacred and forbidden hall, the CLOISTER OF TRIALS.
WOMAN: Stare one more second and you’ll get a moogle up your pants, got it?
TIDUS: *silence*
WAKKA: Eyes up here, ya?
TIDUS: *staring at woman’s cleavage* Huh? What?
A crash comes from up the stairwell, and a GIRL emerges.
GIRL: *falls down stairs*
TIDUS: Graceful much?
GIRL: I did it! I’m a summoner now, Lulu!
LULU: Good work. Let’s get you a shower, you reek.
Later, the GIRL stands in a crowd of people and summons a big BIRD. She names it VALEFOR. Everyone claps.
TIDUS: Um…yay?
WAKKA: Hey. You’re joining my team, because we royally suck.
TIDUS: Okay…
GIRL: Hi there.
TIDUS: Whoa…ha-llo.
GIRL: My name’s Yuna. What’s yours?
TIDUS: *mumbles*
YUNA: What was that?
TIDUS: I’m not allowed to tell you.
YUNA: Why not?
TIDUS: Square-Enix.
YUNA: Oh.
TIDUS: See, they decided to voice-act this time instead of just using subtitles.
YUNA: Ah, I see.
TIDUS: You were supposed to conveniently forget that formality and never refer to me by my first name.
YUNA: Oh, good to know. See you later.
WAKKA: She’s cute, ya?
TIDUS: Hell yeah.
WAKKA: Touch her and you get another ball between the eyes.
TIDUS: …got it.
A FEW DAYS LATER...
TIDUS: Whoa. Lot of...dead people here.
YUNA: Have no fear, the summoner is here!
KILIKA TOWNSPEOPLE: *bow down to her*
YUNA: I'll do my pretty dance and defy physics by walking on water and maybe you won't get killed by fiends!
KILIKA TOWNSPEOPLE: YAYYY!
TIDUS: Wow, this is creepy.
LULU: Get over it.
TIDUS: *gulp* MOMMY!
DONA: Greetings.
YUNA: Hi.
DONA: Your boyfriend looks like a Smurf.
KIMAHRI: *growl*
TIDUS: Well, yours looks like Raijin.
BARTHELLO: That was low, y’know?
PARTY runs into Temple. YUNA gets another BIG SCARY THING known as an AEON.
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