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Feedback Needed for Excerpt of My Work-in-Progress KH Screenplay!



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Xplodin'Grandmas

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HEY THERE! Do you wanna read a piece of screenwriting fanfiction that I'm willing to pour so much thought, time, and creative energy into???

WELL, HAVE I GOT A SPICY MEATBALL FOR YOU!!! :biggrin:

...

In all seriousness, I've been fascinated with Kingdom Hearts for many years. I've always found it to be equal parts extremely creative, strangely compelling, and confounding in its existence, even though it's been 17 years since its release/conception.

With the release of KH III and its cinematic flourishes and gorgeous rendering, as well as a certain world whose nostalgic bliss, attention to lavish detail and convoluted storytelling of questionable quality has torn me in half, I couldn't stop thinking about what a film adaptation of KH could be like and decided to abandon any hesitation and throw my hat into the ring!

My plans for this screenplay is to create a reimagining of the central concept, limited to the first game's plot and established backstory, with new characters while retaining core themes, ideas, and different locations presented throughout the series. This way, it gives me leeway to explore new avenues in the series, whether it's to explore a new, fresh potential of character or to showcase a different perspective and style compared to the regular games' anime tone.

The actual structure and character work are still in the early stages, with this teaser being a sort of experiment with the potential tone and character exploration that I've been contemplating for a couple of weeks now.

This little excerpt is a scene of dialogue/down-time familiar to anyone who's played KH III already. It begins with the aftermath of a fight and an introduction to this particular world's characters, pulled from the game itself as well as some key dialogue, before diverging into something different in tone and ideas compared to what has been established in the Kingdom Hearts game.

...

My question to you guys is, should you choose to read, how do you think this piece of writing fares as a potential film adaptation? How does what is presented in this short mix with your preconceived idea(s) of what Kingdom Hearts is to you? Do you feel like this tone and direction is contradictory to the regular series's, or can there be a chance that this could be strong enough to stand on its own as a separate entity?

...

Lemme know how you feel about it below! Comments and honest thoughts, no matter how critical or general, are all welcome! Please don't hesitate to share constructive criticism; I'm looking for any kind of feedback here! Hope you enjoy it and find something worthwhile in it. Happy reading!!! :smile:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DmeXu6wyVf3nZmPI7CvDifR3K_IzVWPa/view
 
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Griewer

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I tried reading it just now, but the drive says the file does not exist. If you're still interested in feedback, I'd be happy to give it a read! =))
 

Griewer

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So I've read it. As far as formating goes, it seems quite good (though I'm not that big expert myself so do ask for other opinions as well! :D). The additional changes all seem alright, but I want to ask: will it make a difference that you've changed off Sora to Luca, or you just didn't want to use Sora?
Also, it is really in medias res, so I wonder, do you have the bigger overarching plot? Or you're just making it up as you go? Or will it mainly follow the already established story with minor changes in detail here and there?

All in all, good job! ^^
 

Xplodin'Grandmas

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So I've read it. As far as formating goes, it seems quite good (though I'm not that big expert myself so do ask for other opinions as well! :D). The additional changes all seem alright, but I want to ask: will it make a difference that you've changed off Sora to Luca, or you just didn't want to use Sora?
Also, it is really in medias res, so I wonder, do you have the bigger overarching plot? Or you're just making it up as you go? Or will it mainly follow the already established story with minor changes in detail here and there?

All in all, good job! ^^
Hey, thanks for reading and giving feedback, Griewer!

Brace yourself: wall of text inbound.


Again, keep in mind, this project is still in early stages. An exact story outline and substantial character development have yet to be fully reached, but I have a decent idea of where I'd like to end up eventually. And this story will be written with a general audience's perspective in mind who have not experienced Kingdom Hearts before.


The idea of using a new character (Luca) instead of Sora stems from trying to write an adaptation that's a reimagined take on the first game's central concept, limited to that game's spine plot and established (and slightly revised) backstory, while keeping core themes, ideas, and locations from the rest of the series.


Also using Luca as a new protagonist is from an idea of wanting to explore a new perspective in the KH universe and characters. Luca retains a few of Sora's characteristics but is more meant to be a fresh pair of eyes taking in all of the new worlds and people he meets when compared to Sora's reactions to everything around him. Luca's just as willing to help those he comes across like Sora is, but he's a bit more inquisitive and savvy of his surroundings and their changes. His upbringing and personality can affect different events and changes around him as well. Basically, using a new character allows me to try different storytelling choices without being restricted to another main character in the first place. I can do certain things with Luca that I wouldn't be able to do with Sora, and it wouldn't be retreading on grounds that have already been walked on in the first place way back in 2002.


The interactions between characters and ideas will be more organic to the situations and more natural feeling compared to the games' anime style and tone.


One thing I've been struggling with is how much to keep from the game's story and how much it would be alright to change from the original since this is a reimagining of Kingdom Hearts 1, primarily the established lore and backstory for certain characters and enemies. I've been thinking of stripping back a lot of KH1's plot elements (7 Princesses of Heart, Traverse Town characters, etc.) and keeping the core plot points intact (the Sora/Riku/Kairi triangle and Sora's Hero's Journey) for adaptation consistency. But then I think of how the Netflix adaptation of The Haunting of Hill House, which has barely any relation to the original novel's plot, is such a masterful work of revisionism that the changes don't matter as long as you have a strong story and characters while keeping core themes and iconic imagery and dialogue where needed. Then again, there's the 2017 Death Note film and how it completely disregards the original story for a different romantic angle that has barely any connection to Light and L's cat-and-mouse game, the entire core of that whole dang story.


As far as the overarching story of the script, I've got bits and pieces together. I plan to have original stories for most of the worlds, having a sort of road movie structure. There are a few exceptions; this Toy Story segment will adapt parts of KH3's scenario but greatly changes the stakes and certain plot elements. Another hurdle to work out is choosing worlds with story potential that can be thematically relevant to my story. Not just relevance, but uniqueness for the worlds themselves and variety of stakes in each segment that'll keep the Trio locked in long enough to solve each individual crisis as well as furthering character and the story itself.


I'm rambling here and going back and forth on many ideas, it's a lot to comprehend right now. I appreciate your feedback and that you took the time to read it in the first place! :) Lemme know any further thoughts you have and if anything I'm spewing here makes any real sense to you all lol.
 

Nutari

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So, I have a theater background, and was a literature major in college. Spent a lot of time reading Anton Chekhov's (Russian author and playwright) plays. Dialogue is always going to be fine for the most part, as long as things aren't overly explainy. Check for clunkiness (re: read your lines aloud and see how they actually sound. If they sound clunky, they read clunky).

I've recently written a treatment for a TV show (all plot, scene setting, etc... no dialogue) and the biggest thing your screenplay lacks at this time is blocking. Some good examples to look at, though they are different mediums: The Odd Couple and The Cherry Orchard. Both of those plays will give you a good sense of what blocking needs to look like in a screenplay or play script.

As for screenplay formatting, look at some of the big hitter movies of the past fifty years. See what common elements you can distill from them, and make sure they're appearing in your screenplay (re: blocking, character actions, descriptions of the scenes, etc.).

Thanks for sharing! Keep writing, keep growing!
 

Xplodin'Grandmas

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So, I have a theater background, and was a literature major in college. Spent a lot of time reading Anton Chekhov's (Russian author and playwright) plays. Dialogue is always going to be fine for the most part, as long as things aren't overly explainy. Check for clunkiness (re: read your lines aloud and see how they actually sound. If they sound clunky, they read clunky).

I've recently written a treatment for a TV show (all plot, scene setting, etc... no dialogue) and the biggest thing your screenplay lacks at this time is blocking. Some good examples to look at, though they are different mediums: The Odd Couple and The Cherry Orchard. Both of those plays will give you a good sense of what blocking needs to look like in a screenplay or play script.

As for screenplay formatting, look at some of the big hitter movies of the past fifty years. See what common elements you can distill from them, and make sure they're appearing in your screenplay (re: blocking, character actions, descriptions of the scenes, etc.).

Thanks for sharing! Keep writing, keep growing!
Thank you for taking the time to read it and give feedback, Nutari! It's pretty cool that you used your experiences and knowledge and gave me solid constructive criticism on my work here. The nuts-and-bolts of the script itself and my writing style can definitely be improved upon. I'll look into finding those plays, particularly Chekhov. Thanks again!
 
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