Hee, well I ran into trouble at home so while I plug away at all my stories (8 and counting....all at once, including a story and its prequel running at the same time stupid Shirozora) I won't post anything on ffn. Not yet, not until the storm settles. As for now...I'll post part 3. Yay.
And yes, watch out for language.
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Eyes On Me
3 – Socrates Speaks Bullshit
Okay, I confess. As soon as I got home that day I went straight to bed and forgot about everything. Literally. I woke up at midnight wondering why the sun hasn’t risen yet. Yes, I’m that stupid. Plus I broke my alarm clock like a week ago. Long story short: It rang, I was pissed, I grabbed the little sucker, and I chucked it across the room. And I wasn’t going to wake Sora up by barging into his room just to see what time it is. Uh, no.
But as I stared out the window I noticed his car wasn’t in the driveway. Yeah, my brother drives. It’s a Civic, a right ol’ piece of work in the nicest blue I’ve seen. Kinda like Kairi’s eyes…what?! Wake up, Roxas! What the hell are you thinking?
But as you can see, he drives and I ride a speed bike. We’re very…different. His room’s a regular nightmare and mine’s Spartan. I’m always the one up past twelve studying for some stupid test that he studies for in like five minutes. And when he complains about how I got a higher A than he did I just want to take my folder and smack him on the head.
And he’s the one most comfortable around women. Not me. Aside from Kairi – and Naminé, just to be fair – the only other girls I’ve been around are the friends that we share. It’s a handful – and a mouthful to name – but it goes to show how pathetic and awkward I am around the opposite sex. Thank goodness Axel stopped making that point months ago. I wouldn’t mind his comments about my unwillingness to hang around with new girls but whenever he added that bit about our mother…well…
Anyways, Sora wasn’t home yet. But that was only for a second, because he finally pulled into the driveway. And then I decided it was a good idea to look at my cell. It was way past twelve. Not midnight after all. I was off by a good hour. But what the hell was he doing out so late? If the police caught him past curfew…
But that’s not the point. That was so not the point. Because gradually bits and pieces of the conversation between Axel and me kind of came back together and linked into a coherent chain of words I could understand. And I needed to understand a lot these days. Axel would not talk to me for a whole week and Kairi was often forced to act as messenger for us. She wanted to know what happened but what was I supposed to say? “Oh we got into a fight over whether or not I’m head over heels in love with you”?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
But when she started yelling at me, I got scared. Deep down inside, I got so scared. She was so angry, so sick and tired of trying to figure out what happened between us, and so incredibly disgusted by our ‘immaturity’. And she was screaming at me when Axel walked by, almost by accident. As soon as he saw us, he tried to turn around and run but she saw him and started shouting at him, too. She embarrassed us in front of the whole school, so we had no choice but to apologize to each other for “something stupid that happened a few days ago.”
We probably wouldn’t have been talking for the rest of the year if Kairi hadn’t gotten so angry at us.
Weeks dragged by. We were getting accepted and rejected at various universities and colleges. Sora, who had been barely pushing it, somehow got into Stanford. That was weird. And of course, our genius friend Yuna got accepted by half the Ivy League, which still was an accomplishment for her, the bookworm. Me? Well, what can I say? I did get into Northwestern and University of the Arts somewhere along the East Coast but what I was really shooting for was Cambridge, all the way across the world in England. I’m a pretty crazy person as is. Shooting for something so high I can’t even see it. Poor pathetic me.
And us seniors, we were shifting into high gear for those special senior events that always took place during the spring, like picnics and trips to amusement parks, and all sorts of other stuff that we’re forced to spend our money on just so that we seniors can go and have fun. Fun? What fun? I’m telling you, it really is a waste of money. The number of times I’ve been to Disneyland…I mean, if our family friend is like a descendent of friggin’ rotten dead Walt Disney, you can imagine how many times I’ve been to the happiest place on earth.
And I hate roller coasters. Call me a sissy but I just do. Which is why I also think Six Flags Magic Mountain is a waste of money. And time. I have better things to do. Like what? I don’t know. I’ll think of something…if I get the chance.
Mull over the evil known as senior prom will probably be what I’ll be doing. Since I’m not one to go around asking girls out, they’ve been asking me. And I’ve said “No” so fast sometimes…well it’s pretty amazing but one of the girls actually burst into tears. Ariel, I think. Well, it was pretty scary. I think I should just go to school with a paper bag on my head so nobody knows who the dorkus wandering around the school campus is. If nobody knows, then they won’t ask and if they don’t ask, I’ll be safe.
For the record, I know Sora got tickets for both him and Kairi.
I really hope Axel skips out on the prom, too. Because then it’ll be just the two of us, hanging around at my place, watching stupid movies and laugh at every second of it and joke and talk about our futures and everything.
Because I think I do need to talk to him now. About what he yelled at me weeks ago. About me. About Kairi. About us.
Because I just don’t see Kairi the same way anymore.
“”
How did I come to this conclusion? It wasn’t long before senior prom was on the lips of practically every senior in the whole goddamn school. Prom, prom, prom, prom, this and that and that and this. Oh how shall I do my hair? Should I rent a limo? I dare you to ask that fat girl out to the prom! Where are you going to get your tux? Check out this catalogue on dresses! Who asked you out? Are you going? Aren’t you going? You’re not going? Why? I can hook you up, you know. No seriously, you’re not going? Why the hell not? C’mon, it’ll be fun! Okay, if you don’t think dancing’s fun, then you haven’t had a life yet! No, believe me when I say this. If you have not gone dancing then you had not lived a life yet. Period.
“No, Kairi, I really don’t want to dance,” I was telling her over and over again while tailing her all around the store. I think it was Windsor or something. We haven’t been to this store so I haven’t had time to memorize the name. Well, we have, but it was just Kairi window-shopping and gaggling at the crazy gowns these insane people display just for girls – and guys, cross dressers and those with big imagination – to drool over.
“You not wanting to dance is not a good mentality, Roxas,” she was saying as she tossed me another dress to carry around for her. I looked at it. “Kai, this dress doesn’t match you.”
She stopped sifting through racks of prom gowns and turned to me. “And since when did you start calling me ‘Kai’?”
Oh shit. I just used the nickname Sora reserved for her. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
“Um…ri?” I added hopefully. Why did I say that?
She only smiled, shook her head, and turned back to continue looking through dresses. As soon as she turned around, I sighed in relief. She probably would have heard me if there weren’t so many other girls in the store looking through dresses, too. Okay, I really don’t like the look some of the girls are giving me. Either they were checking me out or they were wondering if I was bi, gay, or metrosexual – is that the right word cuz I really don’t remember. Because apparently, men don’t go around helping women pick out dresses the way I do and am doing right now.
Involuntarily I inched towards Kairi while trying to watch and see what those girls were doing. I didn’t realize what I was doing until I bumped into someone. Namely, her.
“Ahhh-Roxas? Uh, Roxas, are you okay? Hello?”
Because as soon as I turned around I froze. Yes, I actually literally froze. Was I even breathing? I don’t think I was. Because the only thing I did notice was my heart. It was beating the hell out of my chest, drowning my eardrums. Words fallen on deaf ears. All I heard was my heart racing out of control. I thought I was having a heart attack or something.
Because I was so close to her. I was practically pushing her against the rack, with the only thing between us being the dresses I was holding for her. She was staring up at me, looking shocked, her mouth slightly open and her eyes wide. And I kept staring at her eyes. Kept noticing the purple flecks in the clear blue sea. It was so beautiful, so incredibly beautiful.
And right then and there I had the most incredible, strange urge to kiss her. I just wanted to go and drop the dresses and sweep her off her feet and kiss her hard on the lips. I wanted to know what she tasted like, what she felt like, how she breathed, how she moved, how she…everything, really. Because when you’re just a friend, you only know so much. I wanted to know more. I wanted to-
Roxas, what the **** are you doing?!
And then I woke up out of that dreamlike state. It was like a dream. I was dreaming? Like…I fell asleep on my feet and I dreamed I ran into her and I wanted to kiss her and-
“Roxas, do you need to sit down?” Kairi was slowly pushing me back. “Are you feeling alright?”
I blinked at her. “Uh…no, no I’m fine. I think I’m fine. S-sorry about that. Those girls…they’re scaring the crap out of me…if you know what I mean…”
She stared at me as though I was crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I sighed. Forget it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s those damn hormones the Health teacher was always screeching about last year. Or maybe I’m just buying into what Axel’s always telling me. Or maybe I am just crazy.
Or maybe I am in love with her.
No. No way. No way in HELL. That’s just wrong. I can’t-no way. Oh my god, falling in love with someone you’ve known all of your short miserable life? That’s just…I thought love was when you find someone new, not someone you’ve known forever…
But then you look at the media and their ideology of true love. You know, that one special person you’ll always love, no matter what? I used to think my soul mate was out there somewhere and that eventually we’ll cross paths and the rest would be history but I kind of gave that up when I had a small crush on Selphie in the sixth grade and found it passing away within a month. And Naminé dumping me kinda made the idea nonexistent. Gone. Nada. Etc.
But…I’ve known Kairi forever…and I wanted to kiss her? Gods, that’s just so wrong-
“Roxas? Roxas, be honest: are you okay? Do you want to go home or something because I’m perfectly okay without you here…if you know what I mean.”
Kairi touched my arm and I looked at her. And my heart just sank. She had that look, that concerned, caring, serious look that I just loved. Honestly, sometimes I acted a bit depressed just to see it on her face – oh my god, and this goes all the way back to third grade. Third grade?
I smiled – or rather, I tried to smile – and said, “No, I’m fine, Kairi. Really, I am. And I’m not leaving until you find your dress.”
I winced inwardly. That could not have been my voice; I sounded so ridiculously shaky and…well…not me.
“Roxas, I won’t put you through this if you don’t feel like it-”
“Kairi, I’ve been following you around the mall for the past several years and I’m not about to stop now. Don’t try to dissuade me.”
She blinked. And then a smile came to her face, broke through the sad worry like sunshine on a rainy day. And then she hugged me.
“Meep!” was the only sound that came out of my strangled throat.
“Roxas,” she said into my ear. She was whispering. “Roxas, you’re so amazing, did you know that?”
“That’s funny,” I managed to squeak out; every girl in the store was staring at me. Was there something on my face? Was I…blushing? Oh no, no way, no way! Damn it! “Everyone’s been saying I was pathetic for all my life.”
“Well screw them,” she retorted. “I think you are.”
And then she backed off, gave me another smile, and resumed searching through gowns. Left me feeling all warm and bubbly inside. Subtly I poked my cheek, then pressed the whole of my hand against it. It felt hot.
I was blushing. Oh gods, **** no! This?! After everything I’ve been going through this past year, I have to start blushing over a hug in the middle of a store surrounded by girls whom I bet are so very gossipy, and with only a few days left before that godforsaken prom? Well I could be blushing because they’re all staring but…
But what’s this I’m feeling? It was like someone poured color on me, like a sudden wave of emotions, a tidal wave of confusion that left me gasping for reason, for understanding. But reason was washing away. All my defenses, my sound arguments, my logical reasoning, they were all being torn out of their supports to be washed out by and into a sea of irrationality. Of impulse. Of desire. Passion.
Rose-colored glasses. Another way of viewing the world.
Kairi was still searching. And I was watching. I was watching her. She was pouting as she pulled out a dress and scanned it critically before shoving it back in with its siblings, almost with disgust. She looked so cute when she was pouting-now she was smiling. She didn’t mind sifting through the whole store in search of the perfect dress for the prom. She didn’t mind at all.
And I stood there, watching her. I followed her wherever she wandered, took note of every slight movement she made, even the gentle swish-swish of her red hair as she brushed back her bangs. She was biting her lip, and for the longest time I stared at the way she was nibbling at her bottom lip. Her movements, I noticed, were slowly becoming more and more agitated. She didn’t act it but I knew very well she was growing worried that she hadn’t found what she was looking for. All the dresses I was holding for her were potentials but she wasn’t satisfied. I could feel the vibe coming off of her, felt it hitting me at a million miles per hour. Suddenly I felt like I could read her every emotion, her every thought, and understand her completely. And yet…and yet at the same time there was something about her, some mystery that I could not hope of taking a crack at.
What mystery? Why am I even thinking this?
And then she suddenly looked up. And I couldn’t look away. I didn’t know whether or not she realized I was staring at her for the past ten minutes. She didn’t look all that bothered or surprised, actually. She was kinda smiling at me, like a slight, nervous grin. And then she was quickly looking elsewhere, charging through the whole of Windsor store and leaving me scrambling after her with all the dresses in my arms.
And I couldn’t help but wonder.
What was that all about?
“”
Prom was scheduled for Saturday at some random place near the beach. I really didn’t care what the place was called but supposedly this year’s prom was going to be a blast. Not that I felt like I was missing out on something. I told you, I didn’t dance. And I have not gone to any school dances since the eighth grade, when I was part of the Leadership class and was forced to do something at each school dance we scheduled.
Friday everyone was going nuts. The seniors were, at least. Selphie had this fat magazine on styles and fashions and was continuously flipping through the pages with Yuna and Olette and Yuffie and Aerith and Lulu and Rikku and Paine-okay, maybe not Paine, since she was going somewhere this weekend and didn’t care if she was missing the prom. The guys, or at least the ones with dates, were casually talking about how much money was going towards the limo they were renting. I felt so left out. I was the only one who was going to be here Saturday and not going to the prom because I didn’t have a date and I didn’t care to dance. And it was all really just a waste of money. I had better uses for my money.
So I turned and left them sitting around the steps in front of the school’s main entrance. They didn’t even realize I left. Woe is me. I felt like such a nobody to them. I decided to go find Axel and see if he wasn’t going to do anything on Saturday, but suddenly I wasn’t walking towards his locker, all the way in the Science Building across campus. I was walking to the English Building, where Kairi’s locker was.
E369…E369…where the hell was E369?
I came to the one green locker that had been hers for the past four years, with its chipping paint and mild graffiti. It was so well camouflaged and I, for all of my four years making the trip into this hall to this specific locker in front of these specific classrooms, could never locate the locker unless I repeated its number. It’s pretty sad.
I stood there, wondering where she was. I didn’t see her anywhere. I pulled out my cell. Seven forty-five. She should be here by now-
“Oh, Roxas! What are you doing here already?”
Never mind. I shut the cell and put it away, then looked up.
“Already? Aren’t you the late one?” I said, smiling at the surprise on her face as she drew near. Then she was flushing.
“Sorry, I was kinda running late,” she said. “Would you mind…moving? You’re standing in front of my locker.”
“I am?”
“Yeah, it’s that one.”
She pointed to the one I was leaning against. E367.
Damn it! I really am pathetic, aren’t I? I glared at the number. “Dang.”
“What for?” she asked, mildly curious as I inched back to the next locker and leaned against it.
“Oh…nothing.” Nothing other than the fact I have yet to memorize your locker number, even though it’s been four years since you’ve been issued the locker.
But then I totally forgot the number. Or at least I think I did. Because the next thing I knew I was watching her as she started moving things from the locker to the backpack and vice versa. She was looking pretty determined over something, I’m sure. She seemed intent on keeping her eyes glued to what was inside the locker.
“Um…is something wrong?” I couldn’t help but ask. There was this vibe coming off of her and I really wanted to know what was bothering her.
“Huh? Oh…um…no…but thanks…for asking,” she said quickly. Her eyes darted to me, to me, and then back, and suddenly she looked flustered. What was wrong with her? Was there something on my face? Was that why she kept staring into the jaws of her locker? Did I look ugly?
Maybe I am ugly. Which makes me wonder why such a pretty girl like Naminé went out with me for a year and a half. Where did all the looks go? To Sora, I suppose, that damn lucky bastard.
Wait…since when was he the lucky one? Damn it.
“Hey.” Someone was touching my arm. “Are you okay?”
“Huh? What?” Wake up call at ten to eight in the morning. I blinked and suddenly her face shifted into focus. I stared, then instinctively leaned back against the locker, as far away from her as possible. “I…uh…yeah. Sorry I didn’t have a lot of sleep last night.”
“I don’t know, Roxas. You’ve been kinda acting weird for a while now. Are you feeling alright? Did that head-banging escapade of yours do something to you?” she questioned. Then she placed the palm of her hand against my forehead. It felt cool and warm and cold and hot and just…weird. I suddenly felt nervous, wanted to run.
“Nothing’s wrong…” she murmured. Then she looked me in the eye. “But what’s bothering you?”
Purple flecks in a deep blue sea. A sea so blue. Amethyst against sapphire. Beautiful.
“What?”
Did I just say what I think I said out loud?
“Um…nothing.”
She narrowed her eyes. “You’re daydreaming way too much, Roxas. I thought it was bad Christmastime, when you fell asleep next to the loudspeakers at Riku’s party. But you keep…phasing out…here and there….”
She just drifted off. And fell silent. Maybe she didn’t realize it but her hand was slowly sliding down the side of my face. So slow I thought I was going mad. Her touch was leaving behind something like fire, something hot and nerve-wracking. I couldn’t take it. I just couldn’t. But I was frozen, my heart beating so fast it hurt.
And then she pulled her hand away and looked back to her locker.
“We should get to class,” she muttered. Her voice was shaking. “Mr. Lin’ll kill us if we’re a millisecond late.”
I should tell you that it’s true. He has an atomic watch, one of those stupid, billion-dollar watches that supposedly measure the exact time, down to the very last millisecond. And he had incredible timing. As soon as the watch read seven fifty-six zero zero zero zero, he was closing the door. And that door closed fast. I almost lost my fingers trying to catch the door. I decided that next time I’ll just go and get a yellow slip from the main office.
“Um…” My voice was caught in my throat; I coughed but my throat wouldn’t loosen up. “Yeah…we should.”
She started pulling out small binders – how many did she have? – but she was erratic about it, and she dropped three of them. She stared at them as they slid across the tiled floor and to my feet, then slammed the locker shut while I bent down and picked them up.
“How many do you need to have?” I asked as casually as possible as she took them. She was acting jittery, like she was high on something. I have seen people on a high. Pence had gone to a party thrown by some random idiot in physics class last year and he needed help getting home because he was so high. Apparently some brilliant asshole laced his Coke with LSD. The jerkwad was identified immediately as Seifer and our cousin, then-senior Squall otherwise known as Leon, proceeded to beat the shit out of his ‘rival’.
And believe me, Pence was scary. Imagine a mild-mannered photographer hopeful screaming about how the moon was cackling at him and color dribbled all over him as Sora and I dragged him to Sora’s car. He was acting all erratic and his limbs kept jerking. It was so traumatic that both of us freaked out over cough syrup when both of us caught the cold later that year. Colds in summer aren’t great. But Sora and I were both paranoid over drugs, all drugs.
Hey, like I said, we took Health class.
She smiled but it looked fake. Like she was hiding something. “Just enough. Just enough to survive senior year without a C. You know…let’s just go.”
I nodded, said, “Sure,” and we started down the hall and down the stairs to E12, Mr. Lin’s class.
Firstly, I know where his classroom was. Secondly, I know I have the number right…unless I switched the numbers…as I usually did…oh ****. E1. I’m really stupid. I stood there and stared up at the number, wondering just how stupid I was. Did I like not have a sense of direction or something?
“Roxas?” Kairi asked. “Roxas, what’s wrong?”
“Oh,” I said, and I sounded sarcastic about it, “I’m just wondering why I’m such an idiot.”
She sighed. “Roxas, I told you, you’re not an idiot. You’re not some pathetic jerk who goes shopping with girls and gets all paranoid about roller coasters and loves Disneyland like there’s no tomorrow.”
“But I do sound like one, now that you mentioned all that. I mean, who does go shopping with girls and panics over roller coasters and like goes to Disneyland once a month? Nobody does. They all have better things to do like…not act like a kid over things like that.”
Kairi sighed again. But she sounded so miserable I had to look at her. She was looking at me and she looked…sad. As though she knew I was a pathetic blond idiot or something.
“Roxas…you’re not pathetic. You’re not an idiot. I know you think you’re different from the other guys…and I have to admit, you are.”
“Yeah, see what I mean-”
“But Roxas,” she kept repeating my name , “Roxas, that makes you who you are.”
“Yeah, I kinda know that-”
“Oh would you just stop it?” she snapped. “Stop pushing yourself down into the mud. You’re not pathetic. You’re not a jerk, you’re not an idiot. You’re not a kid. You’re not a sissy. You’re not gay, as I overheard Vivi say while going to my locker. You-you’re-you’re-”
“A nobody,” I supplied, even though I knew she’d get all mad over that, too. “I mean, if nobody noticed me leaving-”
“I did.”
I stared at her. “You weren’t even there when I left.”
“As a matter of fact, I was. I just got there and I saw you leaving and nobody was saying anything. You know, I had to ignore my own boyfriend following you.”
“Why? Why leave Sora hanging?”
She opened her mouth, then closed it shut into a tight, thin line. Now she looked baffled.
“I…I don’t know. I can’t ignore my best friend, Roxas, even if he thinks himself an idiot, a jerk, a sissy, and whatever else he thinks himself to be. Because he’s not. You’re not what you keep labeling yourself and you’re definitely not what people call you or treat you as. You’re really unique, Roxas. Special. But in a good way. I don’t want to hear you say something about being in special ed because you’re not retarded.”
“I wasn’t,” I protested. Really, I wasn’t going to say that…well, maybe I was. She knows me too well. “Okay, fine, maybe I was. But what’s your point, Kairi?”
“My point?” Then she was looking away, at something on the ground. “I don’t know, Roxas. But I get…I get so mad, whenever you talk about yourself that way. You’ve been saying it a lot now, since Naminé broke up with you. Sometimes I just want to go…and smack you in the head with my folder. Knock some sense into you. Because I think you’re special. Unique. Amazing. And that’s why I love you. You’re not like the other boys I’ve known all my life.”
“Oh, and my brother?”
She smiled. “Well, him, too. There’s something about you two that just makes you guys stand out. And here I am, one twin as my best friend and the other as my boyfriend. Testament to some bizarre genetics running in your family. Or maybe…”
And then I realized that she had inched forward, had come so close we really were face to face.
“Or maybe what?” I asked, trying to sound as casual as possible. But then I didn’t. I couldn’t. The girl, my best friend, the one I was starting to feel strange around, had her face right in front of mine. Deep inside, my gut was twisting, panicking. She didn’t notice, though.
“Maybe…” she was whispering to herself now. “Maybe there’s just something…and I can’t reach for it…no matter what. It’s always there, out of my reach, and no matter how hard I try…I can never take it…never…reach for it…”
She was talking in fragments. It was…scary. Very scary. Very, very scary. I could not put enough emphasis on the ‘very’ to explain what it was like, standing face to face with my best friend, who was muttering something odd and who was lost in her thoughts.
“Uh…Kairi…”
She blinked. Her eyes refocused. “Hm?”
“You’re stepping on my foot.”
‘’
During nutrition I looked for Axel but I couldn’t find him anywhere, not even at his locker, which was usually where we met before heading over to the bigger group of friends. And during lunch I continued looking for him. I was searching the Science Building top to bottom when I heard gossip. I have an ear for gossip. It’s weird, you know, since I am a guy, but I guess that’s what comes out of hanging around with a girl for most of your life.
“…it took her how long to figure it out? I mean, it was so obvious from the start but it took how long? Fourteen years?”
That was Selphie! Who was she talking about? The bouncy brunette was not one to gossip but who…
I carefully walked towards the source of the voice. Then…more voices.
“They’ve been so close that anything else she felt was probably ignored.” That was Yuna, Tidus’s girlfriend that friggin’ genius. “Maybe she thought that came with a cross-gender friendship but I always knew there was something about her…”
Cross-gender? Wait a minute…
“That could explain why her attitude started changing.” Aerith now. Always in tune with people’s inner selves. “Or maybe it’s just maturity. We were pretty stupid back then, after all. Remember when we toilet papered Cloud’s house?”
“Yeah! Too bad he knew who did it!” Selphie laughed. One could not ignore or hope to ignore that high-pitched giggle.
“Yeah, and why are we talking about this?”
“Oh c’mon, Paine, this is our friend we’re talking about! It’s called discussing a friend’s dilemma. And now that we’re discussing it…she’s in pretty big trouble.”
“Why, because she’s going out with-”
Someone nearby slammed a locker door open and I, unfortunate woeful me, didn’t catch it. But then I did hear what Aerith had to say before the locker slammed again.
“You think she went out with one because she didn’t want to ruin her friendship with the other in the name of love?”
One…the other? Are they both connected? Wait…went out with one…with the other…wait, wait, wait! Were they saying…were they-no, impossible!
I turned and ran, ran as fast as I could, out the door out of the building and all the way to…somewhere, anywhere. The library, maybe.
I barged through the doors and the librarian, Mrs. Rowling, barked, “Quiet down! And no monkey business, understand?”
“Sorry…” I panted, swallowed, and, as casually as possible, I walked to one of the couches and sat down. I pressed my hands to my head, closed my eyes, listened to my heart pounding its way out of my chest and onto the floor. I could see it, bloody and beating wildly.
Where was Axel? I needed to talk to him. I really did.
Because I had such a bad feeling about this. I didn’t try to push it, didn’t try to get my mind to think beyond what I was beginning to sense about the whole thing. I was too scared.
Because they could be talking about a cross-gender friendship. My friendship with Kairi.
And from there, if I put together the pieces-wait, what am I doing? No, stop, stop you stupid brain, stop!
Because if I piece the pieces the together…
‘’
And lucky me. I still couldn’t find Axel anywhere so I rode my motorcycle all the way to his house, which was about five minutes from the high school. But he wasn’t home and neither was his dad, whom he lived with. Yeah, his parents were divorced. Something about his mom running off with another man and some money. Think the guy’s name was Marluxia or something. I don’t know. Axel never talks about his mom. Hates her to hell.
So I sat on the driveway, leaning against my speed bike, tracing random circles on my helmet until he came walking home, grinning like the Cheshire Cat in the movie Alice in Wonderland.
“Whoa, what are you doing here, Roxas?”
I jumped up, totally forgot my helmet was on my lap, and fumbled after it. I straightened up, rubbing the helmet of the dirt clumps on it, and turned to him.
“Axel, I need to talk to you.”
“About what?” he asked, walking past me towards the porch of his house. I stared at him. There was something funny going on here…
“Where were you? I couldn’t find you all day.”
“Oh…” He sat down on the steps and I sat down next to him. “Well…I…and you won’t believe this…I got invited to the prom.”
“Let me guess…Larxene?” Had to be. Just had to be.
And Axel nodded. “Yeah. And I said yes.”
“So what did you-what?!” I jumped up and nearly fell over. “You said ‘Yes’?! Why!”
“Roxas, man, what was I do to do? She was practically asking for a date. And on prom night! No way I could refuse that kind of invitation.”
Oh my god, this can’t be happening. No…I’d be spending Saturday all alone. Sora would be gone. Kairi would be gone. Axel would be gone. And our parents were going to be out of town for the weekend to visit one of our uncles. No, no, no!
“So, what do you need to talk to me about?”
“Huh? Oh…it’s…it’s nothing…I don’t know.”
I looked elsewhere, sighed. My heart felt so heavy, so heavy and so…confused. I was confused.
“I’m confused.”
“Oh really? Big ****ing surprise there. And over what?”
Should I tell him? He’s going to boast about how he was right all these years…
“I don’t know. I just thought…oh I don’t know!”
I stood up. “I should go.”
“Wait, wait, wait, Roxas, talk to me. You’re not helping anyone here by not telling me anything. What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I might not even be right, for all I know. It’s just…well, I was going to say it’s about some gossip I overheard but it’s not gossip so there’s no point in mentioning that, and then I was going to say that it had to do with prom but then again half of my life issues have to do with prom so that’s not the point and-”
“Oh my ****ing god, Roxas, you’re talking the wrinkles off of my face! Get to the point, will you?”
And suddenly I was irritated. Very, very, ****ing irritated. Pardon the language.
“Okay, you want to know what’s going on, Axel? Do you ****ing want an explanation? You’ve been pestering me about this for years and it took me like ****ing yesterday to figure out what the hell was going on in my mind! Yesterday I wanted to kiss my best friend! My best friend! Now you tell me what the **** I’m supposed to do because…because I don’t know.”
And suddenly I realized that deep down underneath all my anger, I was scared. I was scared shitless. Oh my god, I was so scared, so scared about what I was feeling, about how I was feeling…
Axel was staring at me. His mouth was wide, wide open. He was practically speechless. Speechless. Axel the Charmer, Smooth-talker, Player, and Etc. was at a loss for words. I almost started smiling at the look on his face but that would have killed the mood. Big time.
“You-you-you mean…you’re telling me…you’re telling me-”
“That I like Kairi?” I started pacing on the lawn of his house. It was a dead lawn. As in a lot of dead grass. I could start a fire with this stuff. Except Axel’s the pyromaniac. And he’s not about to set his house on fire.
“You’re being literal, aren’t you?”
And this was the big confusion. Was I being literal…or was I really meaning it? Was ‘like’ such a weak word? Did it have so many uses one could not use that word to express oneself? There must be more words in English to express my feelings. There must be…
“…Roxas, Roxas, you gotta wake up man. Snap out of it! You’re not giving me any feed here! Roxas!”
Something was moving in front of me. It looked like a…arm? I blinked, then turned and looked at Axel. He had the most worried look on his face. And I was able to read it. He was scared. He knew this was not me, that I wasn’t acting like myself.
“Roxas, you have to tell me what’s going on,” he said, looking worried. “This isn’t funny, man. You are so not acting yourself. Spill it. What the ****’s going on here?”
Tell him…what? Tell him that I wanted to kiss Kairi? Tell him the weird way Kairi’s been acting? Tell him how I’ve been acting around her for a while now? Tell him just how blind I was to what I was doing? Maybe I should turn back time and study my friendship with Kairi in full detail, try and figure out when it happened, when I started…when I…
I turned to him.
“I love her.”
~*~*~*~*~
Next part ain't coming for a long time. I HAVE to get to work on A Walk In Andante, which is a Roxiri set in KH2, actually. How? Long story....-.-
cheers and ja ne!
