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Fanfiction ► Ever Lasting Love



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KH_Fan_4_eva

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Right This is My 2nd ever Fanfiction so tell me what ive done good and what ive done bad ok? Just so youno im not Coping IceBlueWings with the whole "Them going to school thing.......and please tell me if ive like copied someone elses fanfiction with an Idea!

Chapter One ~ The Meeting

Sora walked along the pathway of Popou Drive with his twin brother, Roxas, It was a very "Posh" Road where all the Rich people lived......He and his brother just happened to be one of those rich people, but they didnt really act like it, Roxas was a Skater, and Sora was the Bad boy. There Perants were the richest people on the Island, but Roxas and Sora never saw them so they were brought up to look after themselfs in the Mansion, sometimes there Butllers and maids would help them out but they didnt really need there help most the time.

The weird thing about Sora and Roxas was that they looked so much alike apart from there hair, Sora had light Chessnut coloured hair and Roxas had bright Blonde Hair, so it was easy to tell them apart.

They Both were 16 and VERY populer, "So.........First day back at school huh?" Roxas said Putting his hands into his pockets, "Yep........So? Do you think there will be any new chicks around?" Sora said with a grin, Roxas started to laugh "Is that all you thing about Sora? Girls?". Sora thought for a momant "Pretty much yeah!".

Sora and Roxas carried on walking and talking about school till they were outside it, they stood a group of people waiting for them to arrive. "Hey You two, Wass up?" Said a Tall boy with silver hair......His name was Riku, the oldest of the group at 17 but he was still in school because he was held back a year. Olette, Hayner and Pence were also standing with them.

Before Anyone could say anything else the bell rang and they all when to there homerooms, The good thing was they were all in the same homeroom so as they waited for the teacher to come they all sat around Sora and Roxas' desks.

"So how was your summer guys?" Hayner asked leading over his chair, "Ahh same old, same old, Went to Atlantica this year Though!" Roxas said with a grin, Every year Sora and Roxas would go on hoilday to some cool world and everyone would be jealous.

Before anyone could ask anything else the 2nd bell rand and the teacher walked into the room, " Take your seats Children" Said the teacher......No one knew his name because he NEVER told anyone so they always just said sir.

Everyone ran to there seats all the gang sat at the back. "Today we are having two knew students in our class......." Sora leaned on his chair......He didnt really care about new students.

"This is Namine and this is Kairi......Please come in girls" Sir said, First a girl with blonde hair came in and said "Sir, Kairi wont come out.....She says she doesnt like the uniform" You see the Uniforms for girl were a white blouse with a blue and white tie, and a short white and blue checked mini skirt.

"Well I like the uniform on her!" Roxas wispered to Sora who was still leaning on his chair, It seemed like Roxas had a crush on this girl!

"Kairi come in now! Everyone will have to see you once in a while!" Sir shouted, The next momant a Slim Girl with Cherry Red hair walked in, All the boys stared and wolf whistled at her, Sora just stared in shock, and let go of the table making him fall to the ground with a loud bang.

Everyone turned around and started to laugh a little, Kairi turned the colour of her hair seeing him falling over her, Sora jumped up and shouted " Im OK! Im Ok!". "Namine, why dont you sit by Roxas" Sir said Pointing to the empty seat nexted to Roxas, Roxas turned a bright red when she sat down next to him, "an you Kairi.........Next to Sora" The only bad thing was that Sora was leaning again, and when sir said this.......He fell off........again. Next thing he knew someone hand there hand out to help him back up .

"Thanks......" He said, then he looked up at the person.....Kairi.

She smiled "Thats alright" Then sat down at the desk next to him.

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There we go! What do you think then? Sorry that its not very long!!! I just couldnt think of anything!
 
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snowdog

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Well, it was a fun read. Nothing too heavy there, nice use of dialogue... Sora and Roxas seem OOC, but I guess all guys their age are like that sometimes ^-^ Interesting story though, no real complaints here!

Just minor errors in grammar and spelling. Do you copy and paste from Word? Try to use a spellchecker before posting.

Keep writing, the story seems cool. ^-^

<3 <3
 

KH_Fan_4_eva

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Well my Computer crashed so my word wont work, and when you spell something wrong it wont change it, and Im not sure how to spellcheck.

Oh and they are OOC because too me when you look at Sora you dont see him as a goody goody, like with his clothes in KH2, when I see the outfit I always think someone bad would wear it cuz its almost ALL black, and well nice, innocent people dont always wear black, do they?

And Roxas, he is a skater isnt he, so he is sorta being himself!

Just so you no Kairi and Namine are going to be Best friends not sisters
 

snowdog

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Hmm. Well if your spellchecker really won't work, then keep a dictionary handy. And I think there's a spellchecker option when you're writing a new reply to the thread.

KH fan 4 eva said:
Oh and they are OOC because too me when you look at Sora you dont see him as a goody goody, like with his clothes in KH2, when I see the outfit I always think someone bad would wear it cuz its almost ALL black, and well nice, innocent people dont always wear black, do they?

Try to include that in the story... subtle descriptions, etc.

Hope that helps you! ^-^

<3 <3
 

KH_Fan_4_eva

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Its ok, I think I might write one today or tomorow!Im not sure about Christmas day and Boxing day! But I might write a chapter on those days!
 

KH_Fan_4_eva

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Ok Im SOOOO sorry for not writing! I forgot! Well it is going to romantic, because my other Fanfic (You Promised) is romantic aswell, Im better at doing romantic sceanes than fighting sceanes!

Chapter Two ~ I see girls.....

The three (History, Drama and Maths) leasons before break were VERY enjoyable for Sora and Roxas, maybe because it was the first day of school......Or maybe it was because two very pretty girls were sitting next to them, All the teachers had put Namine next to Roxas, and Kairi next to Sora.

Weird huh?

Thats what the Boys thought! Well through those three lessons They all got to know each other better, but with Roxas and Namine......Well Namine would ask him something like "So....What music do you like?" and all she would get back is silence, not because he was shy or anything, it was because he was in Puppy Love.

Yes.

Puppy Love.

It was different with Sora and Kairi, he answered everything she threw at him like it happened everyday.

Anyway, it was break and the foursome walked out of Maths, They had there new books in there hands and were heading for the lockers, they all took out a slip of paper that had there locker number and code on it.

"What locker numbers are you then Namine, Kairi?" Roxas said red on his cheeks, there was no point asking Sora, the Teachers had made sure they were together last year, and im sure they would this.

What happened was Roxas and Sora's Lockers werent together, and they werent happy about it, so Sora ended up haveing to.....well "Hurt" the Guy who was next to Roxas, to get him to let him have that locker.

"Umm well Im number 124" Namine said looking as her slip of paper, "And Im...."Kairi took her paper out her Pocket "125". Kairi looked at Namine with a smile, Namine was grinning too "WERE LOCKER BUDDIES!" They shouted at the same time.

"So what are you Roxas" Namine said after she had cooled down, Roxas blushed "I-Im Number 123" Namine smiled. Kairi turned to Sora "So then....What are you?" Sora smiled "Guess". Kairi gave him a blank look.

Sora sighed "126" Next thing you no she and Namine were jumping around shouting "WERE ALL GOING ON A.....LOCKER BUDDIE HOILDAY TODAY!"

As they all walked to the Lockers Seifer and his little "Gang" walked past, Roxas and Sora stared at him as he stopped in front of them "OoOoOo You two got some girlfriends now have you?!" Kairi and Namine looked shocked as he said this "There kinda cute, If I were you...Id look after them" Seifer said then winked at Namine and Kairi and walked off.

Sora didnt smile whats so ever till they got to the lockers.

They all opened there lockers and put there stuff inside, they agreed to hang out by the lockers for a little while then Sora and Roxas were going to show the girls around the school.

"Before we Hang out a bit im just gonna go to the loo quick, ok?" Namine said and ran off to the loo witch was just up the hallway, "She must of seen it as we were walking down" Kairi thought.

While Namine was gone the all just stood there waiting for her so they could talk.

Soon enough Namine came running down the hallway and Shouted "Im Back Chicken!" Roxas and Sora just stared at her like she was crazy.

"Took your time didnt you Nugget?" Kairi said pushing her lightly, next thing you no Roxas and Sora were on the floor laughing there heads off.

Soon they got up and Roxas said still giggling "What was that all about?". "Oh! We always call each other that!" Namine said with a smile.

Later on Hayner, Ollete, Pence and Riku came stomping up the hall ( well not Ollete she was trying to calm the boys down).

"I Cant belive you guys just left us!" Hayner shouted in Roxas' face.

"Yeah We were waiting for ages outside the Maths classroom thinking you were still in there!" Riku said pushing Sora Back.

Now everyone knew you should NEVER Do this to Sora or anything else for that fact too him.

Next thing you no Sora was yelling at Riku and pushing him back, Namine, Roxas and the rest of the Gang backed up, soon a croud was forming and cheering "Fight!Fight!Fight!" Kairi stood there just watching getting really worried, the truth was, she Really liked Sora even though she only met him that day.

Soon Sora started Punching Riku, not doing much damage because he doged it, But then Riku swung his arm round, thus hitting Sora in the face and making him fall to the ground.

When Sora got up he had blood dripping down his cheek, Sora wiped some of it away, but still the blood swept down his face, Kairi put her hand to her mouth, she couldnt belive what was happening! It looked a bit like Sora was crying blood, she couldnt take it any longer, she had to stop this.

Kairi ran in front of Sora and held him back, Sora Shouted "Get Off! He's asking for it!". " NO!" Kairi shouted, No one could see but she was crying....

The Croud were still Cheering Fight, loveing what was happening.

Sora pushed and shoved Kairi, but she wouldnt move.

But then he pushed her so hard she fell on the foor staring at him crying, Sora ran at Riku and pushed him to a wall, he let go and put his hand into a fist, he had his arm back.....Any second now Riku would be hit by the younger Boys fist.

Kairi looked at the two and thought "Theres only one way to stop this" and Ran up between Riku and Sora turned to face Sora and..........


She Kissed him.


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Yes I no, weird ending, but most people would of put "And instead of Sora hitting Riku he hit Kairi!" But I thought that was too simple and thought this was good because they only met that day so its like "OMG! THEY KISSED ON THERE FIRST DAY!"
 
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KH_Fan_4_eva

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Thanks! Your all Really nice! Im getting better at doing longer chapters so thats good! ^-^
 

snowdog

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The general storyline is okay. It's too early to start judging it properly, but I hope it keeps going well. ^-^

My complaint is with the grammar, again. The spelling has improved, which is good. And the general style seems too conversational. It moves quickly, which is great, but it's too... I'm not sure of the word, I suppose conversational about covers it.

Keep writing, but try to use a spell checker. It should check grammar too.

Longer chapters is great, too! ^-^

<3 <3
 

KH_Fan_4_eva

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Well Im getting better so soon enough they will be so long your eyes will pop out! lol! :toungesmile:
 
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