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I've experienced something like this before. Losing a friend, lover, family member, etc. be it through their death, drifting apart, or an argument is hard to deal with. There are often moments where you aren't thinking of them at all and then suddenly you do and it aches. I wanted to write something about this, so I chose it for my 20 minute challenge just so I could get it on paper.
I’m the biggest coward in the world, but that isn’t something I often admit except in the silence of the night. It is only in my dreams when I am able to face the reality of it, when the guilt begins to eat away at the core of my mind and reminds me of better days when I was blissfully ignorant to the pain of loss.
Always, always I look up at the sky and see gray, but I can feel the smile on my face and how bright it is compared to the dreary world of my unconscious mind. The buildings––concrete monsters of intricate design that surround me should feel like a maze to me but the unique arcs and designs of the buildings feel familiar and welcoming.
I turn to somebody next to me who was looking out at the world with curious eyes and a calm look and my heart skips a beat.
A person I loved and lost—a dear friend who I thought I’d be with forever stood beside me and of course this is a dream how could it not be. My hand reached out to her shoulder, to reach out to something I knew I could not reach in my waking hours. Her eyes, alert and fathomless, met mine and I could see how her own smile grew as she realized that I was beside her.
of course this a dream.
We spoke, like the old friends we were, of better days and brighter futures. We explored, we laughed, we were perfect. The words, impossible to remember, but the meaning and feelings behind them linger like a sick reminder of what I no longer have.
I should feel nothing but sorrow. I shouldn’t be dreaming about her. I had accepted the loss, I was moving on. She certainly had, or at least I believed this.
i should call her i should text her i should talk to her how is she is she happy does she think of me sometimes am i the only one who feels this way or does her heart feel like it’ll never heal like mine why am i so afraid
Why must I dream of this…
Waking up was probably the hardest thing I could do.