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Eternal Relapse- Poems by Atticus



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Bliip

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I'll update this thread whenever I write a new poem. Here's some to start off:

Espylacopa

The night was cold, the air was stale
The moon that shone was brightly pale
The wolves were howling, the trees abound
Raindrops melded with the ground

In the distance, earthquakes shook
And i heard every life they took
Bulked-up craters sounded off
Erupting with a violent cough

The last i saw- an eclipsed sun
As all of Earth's chains were undone
The morning was no longer blue
And all my nightmares had come true
 

Bliip

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Moon

Across the pond I see her face
It catches me with endless grace
The water bugs all stop and stare
As she catches the midnight air

Her eyes hold creamy, luscious glows
And moonbeams dance around her nose
Her red lips curve into a smile
Stealing my eyes all the while

Her candy gaze, it breaks me down
As she flattens her flowing gown
As I draw near, my thoughts at bay
She cautions me to stay away

I do not heed her crying pleas
I'd risk it all for ecstasy
When I reach her, she doesn't chide
My brain, heart, tongue; all numb inside

As the crickets start to sing
I lose sight of everything
She gazes up into my face
Then vanishes without a trace

Moments pass before I find
That I've been stabbed a hundred times
I lay there bleeding, on the floor
Begging, pleading, wanting more
 

Bliip

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thnx for the input, and ill do that :)

btw, to let everyone who reads these know, these are the only poems i've ever written in my life, so eventually they'll progress.
 

Nyangoro

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They were alright. I think you have good vocabulary, and you could do even more with hit. The main problem I have those is that they feel strangely chaotic (the first one more than the second). It was like the only thing holding the poem together was the rhyme scheme. Having a consistent rhyming pattern doesn't guarantee a stable poem. I liked the second one better than the first, but it also felt random oddly enough (though the twist at the end was interesting).

I definitely see potential though, keep it up!
 

Bliip

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Fear

A layer of thin ice, within a fated end
That prickling feeling you get
Every time you're alone
That choice you make,
Whether to grip the ledge
Or let go

Fear is melancholy in it's approach
And vicious in outcome
Its back-facing teeth dig in
Every time you try and pull it out
Yet somehow, it the recesses of the mind,
It is essential to our survival
Lest we forget
That fateful encounter
With the one and only reaper
 

Siren

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While I'm against using the same rhyme scheme over and over, you should always use one, in my opinion. I hate poems with no rhyme.
 

Nyangoro

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When I say a consistent rhyming pattern, I mean within a particular poem. I was just saying that rhyming poetry isn't guaranteed to flow well just because it rhymes.
 
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