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Equlia1: the story of Matthew and Emily



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Roaringflames

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chapter 1: infiltriting part 1

Equila was a land of peace and hope filled with imaginary creatures and people. This world was made by the thoughts of kids. They thought up different sections for everybody. The bullies calmed 1/4 of the land for themselves making goblins and dragons ihabit the place. The girls calmed 1/4 again for the girls and called "Girl land". Geeks took 1/4 of the land for geeks and science lovers and called "Metro city". Finally those who loved to fight with swords and sheilds got the last part and named it "Kight's Kingdom". One fine day in Equila the people in Metro city started to revolt against the world of Equila , hoping to end the revolt the king Makalias sent his best two soilders, Matthew and Emily. They both were highly trained but used differnt sword styles , Matthew used a Great sword a giant heavy sword which looks like the king's excailbur. Emily used 2 daggers and magic effectly in a haste like mannor. They both took off their imperial armor and put on some Elf armor and headed though the enchanted forest which seprates every land from each other.

"We need to head east Emily" said Matthew pointing east on a compass

"Ok Matthew" said Emily
 
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Shinra

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chapter 1: infiltrating part 1

Equila was a land of peace and hope filled with imaginary creatures and people. This world was made by the thoughts of kids. They thought up different sections for everybody. The bullies calmed 1/4 of the land for themselves making goblins and dragons ihabit the place. The girls claimed 1/4 again for themselves and called it: "Girl land". Geeks took 1/4 of the land for geeks and science lovers and called their home "Metro city". Finally those who loved to fight with swords and sheilds got the last part and named it "Knight's Kingdom". One fine day in Equila the people in Metro city started to revolt against the world of Equila , hoping to end the revolt the king Makalias sent his best two soilders, Matthew and Emily. They both were highly trained but used different sword styles , Matthew used a Great sword a giant heavy sword which looks like the King's Excailbur. Emily used a 2 daggers and magic effectly in a haste-like manner. They both took off their imperial armor and put on some Elf armor and headed though the enchanted forest which seprates every land from each other.

"We need to head east Emily" said Matthew pointing east on a compass

"Ok Matthew" said Emily

There were a few mistakes and I used some better terms to familiarize and reduce repitition

The edited parts are bolded and underlined...And stilll you need to work on your lengthening skills
 

Oracle Spockanort

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Needs exposition. Most of the time people are saying don't have too much exposition, but since the length of this is about as long as what I write as half of my introductory paragraph in a paper, you need more description.

And you say one-fourth. Not 1/4th.
 

Realm Walker

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Maybe you should try showing, not telling. Just my two cents.
 
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