Empty

[Diastyl]

I dont know why I made it, but I guess I wanted to share this with everyone who is interested

Empty by Diastyl

I stared at the sky, which was so blue and calm
but it there were no more clouds
I looked at the clean peaceful grassy ground
but it was clear of flowers
I stared at my school, where everyone seems happy
but it lacked open hearted people
I looked at my own heart, what did I see?
a dark cold hole
its empty, empty, empty....

So what do you think?

 

[DecentPrincess]

pretty good! but I think u should make some more edition in it

 

[Diastyl]

It was actually meant to be a short poem, but meaningful

 

[DecentPrincess]

Then in this case, I will say it's excellent!

 

[Diastyl]

Thank you, that's really nice to say ^_^

Sorry if its not so long, I just made it on spot..... O.O

 

[DecentPrincess]

no matter how short it is but it's a really nice one!

 

[Diastyl]

no matter how short it is but it's a really nice one!

Well, it's still nice to say that )

 

[Reverie]

It doesn't matter to me that it's short. It's well written and you put thoughts into it. :]

 

[Diastyl]

It doesn't matter to me that it's short. It's well written and you put thoughts into it. :]

*smiles* thanks! (if I keep saying thats a nice thing to say, everyone's gonna be annoyed)

 

[Haxon]

wow that was good, I see how it relates.
I suck at these kinds of things :tongue:

 

[Diastyl]

wow that was good, I see how it relates.
I suck at these kinds of things :tongue:

Hey, at least everyone has a talent

 

[Annoyance]

Empty by Diastyl

I stared at the sky, which was so blue and calm
but it there were no more clouds
I looked at the clean peaceful grassy ground
but it was clear of flowers
I stared at my school, where everyone seems happy
but it lacked open hearted people
I looked at my own heart, what did I see?
a dark cold hole
its empty, empty, empty....

clearly needs some tweaking, but there is potential for change, improvement, etc.

"but it there" made no sense to me.
How I would write it:
I stared at the sky, so blue and calm
but the clouds were now gone. (something along those lines.)

also, adding a period puts a nice little end to the statement. gives a bit more voice and control to the poem.

"I stared throughout my school, everyone happy
but it lacked kind hearted people."
(open hearted sounds odd to me and adds one more syllable that throws it off.)


The ending was very disappointing, I must say.
You could have said something like, "I looked at my own very heart, but there was nothing but a deep hole."
"it is empty, empty, empty."

I don't know if I helped or not.

 

[Lancelot]

^ I agree. A lot of it is nothing like what a poem should be. It doesn't really flow at all; it sounds more like a list of events more than a heart-felt tale.

I looked at the clean peaceful grassy ground

this is rather... lacking. Something softer, perhaps like "As i looked at the clean, peaceful ground" would be better, especially cutting out so many descriptive words.

I looked at my own heart, what did I see?

i was almost tempted to start singing a playschool song to this.

regardless, grammar is the major thing lacking in this. just some rewording here and there would make it a heck of a lot better c: