Dream Venturer: Excerpt



REGISTER TO REMOVE ADS

Wilford111

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2015
Messages
56
Age
26
  • Theatrhythm: Final Fantasy
  • Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 ReMIX
  • Final Fantasy VIII PC
  • Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance
  • Theatrhythm Final Fantasy: Curtain Call
  • Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn
The following is something I felt compelled to write after lying in bed, trying to get to sleep. For some reason the best ideas come to me in this situation. What I wrote isn't very long, it's just what came to me. I plan to insert this into a much larger story that I've been brainstorming for like 4 or 5 years. I dunno if I'm ever going to finish it, but hopefully I'll get around to it with the little bits and pieces I've been writing, such as this one.

Please provide criticism if you feel like it. Please enjoy either way :)



There I laid, sprawled on my back in bed. I had been adjusting my position for what felt like hours, unable to get comfortable. I gave up on my covers, which felt like they were getting in the way rather than providing comfort. My eyes eventually opened after I came to the realization that I could not get myself to go to sleep.

The room was almost entirely dark, with only hints of light coming from the moonbeams creeping through the window. My head turned to across the room where Amber's bed was, and something caught my eye. I froze in shock and broke out in a cold sweat. Standing next to Amber's bed was a tall, slender silhouette of a person with a gleaming butcher knife in its hand. I couldn't make out any identifying features of this person, since they were covered in shadows. The silhouette stood in place, with its head pointed down at where Amber laid. It did not move an inch, and I felt completely frozen. I didn't know if I couldn't move out of shock, or if I was too afraid to move out of fear that if I did, the silhouette would notice and make a move.

For minutes I gazed at the thing, until the room was suddenly enveloped in a bright light. The bedroom door swung open and, baffled, I turned and saw to see Amber casually walking in. Looking back at her bed, I saw that the mysterious figure had vanished.

I immediately sat up. “Amber!” I said in a panicked, hushed voice, “Someone is in this room. Don't move.”

Amber stood in her tracks with a concerned look on her face as I slowly got out of bed. I knelt down slowly and peeked underneath her bed. Nothing. Cautiously, I turned my head and looked underneath my bed. No one was there.

“Sage,” she said, “what's going on?”

At this point I was on all fours, looking up at her. “I... I thought I saw someone next to your bed with a knife in their hand,” I said as I got up, “whoever it was vanished as soon as you came in.”

“Are you seeing things or something?”

“It looked real! The knife had a glint...” I then looked at the closet which had its door open just about an inch. With fearful curiosity welling up inside, I looked back at Amber. I put a finger to my mouth and made a “hush” gesture. I passed her as I walked closer to the closet door. When I arrived I hesitated to put my hand on the door handle.


“Dude... really,” Amber said behind me.

I swung the door open in anticipation for the worst. I looked and saw... nothing, besides a few shirts hanging up and a pile of laundry on the floor. I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Okay, no one broke in,” Amber said, “can we go back to bed now?"

“Sorry,” I said.

Having calmed down a little, Amber turned off the light as I climbed back into bed and pulled the covers over me. Time passed and I felt the same problem arise as before. I could not get comfortable. I laid in the fetal position on my right side, then on my left, then laid on my belly and eventually on my back. My blanket was crumpled up and to the side, this time to have seemingly given up on me. Almost exhausted, my eyes opened up once again and I turned my head toward Amber's bed. My heart skipped a beat and I found I couldn't breathe.

Right next to my bed, obscuring my vision of the rest of the room, was a tall and slender figure holding a gleaming butcher knife.
 
Last edited:

KingdomKey

Never See Me Coming!
Joined
Sep 25, 2010
Messages
6,260
  • Retired Staff
  • Graceful Assassin
  • The Gambler of Fate
  • Beauty Within
  • Cloaked Schemer
  • Whirlwind Lancer
Damn, this is terrifying! I'm afraid to see what comes next after reading that twist towards the end! Seriously, I loved reading every minute of this, because I didn't know what to expect and it was fantastic! Extremely well written and none of it was awkward to read at all! You really nailed the suspense and horror in this one, where your audience can immerse themselves into the story and feel equally as frighten as your protagonist is. I hope Sage doesn't die after catching sight of the silhouette with the butchers knife a second time.

And I hope to see more pieces of your story, Wilford! I enjoyed reading it a lot! :)
 

Wilford111

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2015
Messages
56
Age
26
  • Theatrhythm: Final Fantasy
  • Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 ReMIX
  • Final Fantasy VIII PC
  • Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance
  • Theatrhythm Final Fantasy: Curtain Call
  • Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn
Damn, this is terrifying! I'm afraid to see what comes next after reading that twist towards the end! Seriously, I loved reading every minute of this, because I didn't know what to expect and it was fantastic! Extremely well written and none of it was awkward to read at all! You really nailed the suspense and horror in this one, where your audience can immerse themselves into the story and feel equally as frighten as your protagonist is. I hope Sage doesn't die after catching sight of the silhouette with the butchers knife a second time.

And I hope to see more pieces of your story, Wilford! I enjoyed reading it a lot! :)
Thank you so much :) It makes me super happy to hear that. I really didn't know if this was good, and what you said seriously made my day.
Hopefully this will motivate me to write even more. Thanks again :)
 
Last edited:

SorasTwilight

New member
Joined
Aug 15, 2009
Messages
341
Location
Disney World
Website
www.youravon.com
First off, love the banner. You're gunna have to show me how to get it.
Lol anyways, as for the story, I like it a lot. I saw nothing grammatically wrong with it, but as a reader I would've wanted more. I wanted to know who exactly Sage and Amber were and why this figure was there. Now if this was a snippet of a whole story you created then I can understand why there's no backstory. But if your intent was to create a short story then having some kind of backstory is necessary for the reader. You may know what's going on but the reader can see this in a different light. I think this sets up a very eerie mood and a good start for a thriller, but again, would love to see more backstory.
 

SorasTwilight

New member
Joined
Aug 15, 2009
Messages
341
Location
Disney World
Website
www.youravon.com
First off, love the banner. You're gunna have to show me how to get it.
Lol anyways, as for the story, I like it a lot. I saw nothing grammatically wrong with it, but as a reader I would've wanted more. I wanted to know who exactly Sage and Amber were and why this figure was there. Now if this was a snippet of a whole story you created then I can understand why there's no backstory. But if your intent was to create a short story then having some kind of backstory is necessary for the reader. You may know what's going on but the reader can see this in a different light. I think this sets up a very eerie mood and a good start for a thriller, but again, would love to see more backstory.

Lol well your title answered a good chunk of my question there.
 

Wilford111

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2015
Messages
56
Age
26
  • Theatrhythm: Final Fantasy
  • Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 ReMIX
  • Final Fantasy VIII PC
  • Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance
  • Theatrhythm Final Fantasy: Curtain Call
  • Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn
First off, love the banner. You're gunna have to show me how to get it.
Lol anyways, as for the story, I like it a lot. I saw nothing grammatically wrong with it, but as a reader I would've wanted more. I wanted to know who exactly Sage and Amber were and why this figure was there. Now if this was a snippet of a whole story you created then I can understand why there's no backstory. But if your intent was to create a short story then having some kind of backstory is necessary for the reader. You may know what's going on but the reader can see this in a different light. I think this sets up a very eerie mood and a good start for a thriller, but again, would love to see more backstory.
Thanks for reading, glad you liked it :)
So yeah, I'm planning on inserting this into a much larger story that I'm currently writing.
 
Top