ARIES
This month is a great month for your enemies. You’re pretty much going to suffer and they’ll have a great time. At least you’re very entertaining. Around the 25th, you’ll start to get fed up with this and kill yourself.
TAURUS
Your enemy, the Aries, will entertain you endlessly before dying a tragic and mysterious death. (So I guess it isn’t endless.) The police are also Taurus, though, so they couldn’t give two shits about the Aries. Sometime around the 26th at exactly 12:34 PM, you’ll accidentally run over a person. This person turns out to be your father and you’re thrown in jail under the suspicion of murder. A few hours later, you’re convicted in record time and sentenced to death.
GEMINI
You’re carefree this month. You needn’t worry about that broken water heater, because a man will come and fix it. You needn’t worry about paying him, because he’ll just mug you and rape you before killing you. Afterward, you’ll have no more worries indefinitely.
CANCER
This month is very auspicious for you. An old teenage wish of death finally comes to fruition as you find out that you have cancer on the 28th. You are informed that the cancer is spread throughout various parts of your body and death overthrows you a few days later, leaving you with no time to inform your loved ones.
LEO
Your secret ploy to kill every—… You’re very lucky this month. Suddenly, all avenues are open to you and the world is your oyster. However, you become very depressed and lonely near the end of the month. Next month is starting to look grim. You’d better hope nothing happens.
VIRGO
You’re a loser, and this month reflects that. On the 22nd, your social life will come to a halt as your friends leave you. However, this is all in your head, because—as I stated—you’re a loser and you never had any friends. Your mind starts to drift to illusion a day later as you have been discarded by society for more than a day. You snap. Your uncontrollable rage injures few and kills many. Finally, the voices in your head prove to be too much. You want them to come out and play, so you cut your head open in order to release them into the world.
LIBRA
A friend will seek help from you and take all of your stuff, even your family. While leaving, your mother will tell you how she’s always hated you and how you were her least favourite son, even if you’re a woman. (If your mother is dead, you’ll be in for a surprise when you see her.) After losing your job to your friend, you die, as your friend decides to take your life, as well.
SCORPIO
Things turn around for you this month. Your once glorious lifestyle and beautiful entourage explodes in your face, leaving you with third degree burns, but don’t worry—you’ll be dead soon enough, so it won’t last. By the way, your girlfriend is cheating on you. If you have a boyfriend, then you deserve it for being a faggot.
WHATEVER COMES AFTER SCORPIO
This month is shrouded in mystery for you, mostly because I don’t know who you are. Nothing can be said for sure, but I’m pretty sure you die. I’m 100% sure, actually. If you don’t, give me a call and I’ll fix it.
CAPRICORN
Problems you tried to avoid in the past will come back and haunt you as ghosts. They won’t go away, so you’re doomed. Sorry.
AQUARIUS
You’ll befriend a Libra and take all of their things before killing them. Dig up their dead mother if need be.
PISCES
You’re going to die.
