Dentim's Tales

[KingdomKey]

This was amazing. I cannot get over how well written this 4th chapter is written. I like how much Lord Ghast was insistent about released from his jail cell. And shocked at the sheriff for never having heard of him, including the incidents Lord Ghast was involved in. I also got a good kick out of Jokko, the Drinking Clown. I just find the description of him entertaining. I also found it hilarious that Lord Ghast mistook Earl as an actual Earl of nobility. Lord Ghast has a whole lot of catching up to sort of blend in. Furthermore, I like how Earl talked him out of firing Lem, and kind of expected more out of his magic to get them out their/his jail cell. xD Overall, this was a great chapter. Happy I caught up on this!

 

[Dentim]

Good to see you're back. I've taken a break from writing (too many projects for a while, but one of them's over so time to pick up again), but I did write some more inbetween:

Spoiler Show

Mini-Chapter: The Men in Grey’s Lunchbreak
A car pulled up at Jack's. It was completely black and had opaque windows to conceal the people within. It swerved a couple of times looking for an actual parking lot, before acknowledging that there wasn't one and just parked as close to the diner as it could.
Two astonishingly similar-looking men got out of the car. They both had the same type of short dark hair and large pitch black sunglasses (one with rounded glasses, the other square) and were built like brick houses. They tried to avert a cliché by not wearing black suits, but lacked the imagination to do much more than that and settled by wearing grey ones instead. Both carried a pin on their jacket featuring a bolt standing upright with a dot above it. They both looked at the front of the diner, which had a couple of smashed windows.
With a completely deadpan and serious voice, the one with the square glasses asked: “Is this the place?”
The one with the round glasses replied in the same manner: “Would I have stopped here otherwise?”
As if they were bred for it, the conversation continued in the same manner, neither of them changing intonation or inflection or showing even the smallest hint of emotion: “You could have, it is awfully close to lunchtime.”
“You really need to watch your appetite. You are getting fat.” (Square Glasses was in fact still as toned as he ever was.)
“We’re here for business. It’s the closest thing to the dig site and there were reports of some sort of disturbance.”
“I see. Will we stop here for lunch anyway?”
“I am not hungry yet.”
“Nearest place is an hour away.”
“Fine.”
They both entered the diner. Inside Joe was cleaning the debris of the night before. A couple of truckers were lifting his misshapen counter and trying to put it back in its place.
Round Glasses put his head closer to that of Square Glasses: “Remember, try to be inconspicuous.” He had made no attempt to whisper this, earning him a look from Joe.
They both looked around for a table that was still upright, shuffled over and took a seat.
RG took in the surroundings while SG mainly took in the menu.
“This will wreak havoc on my figure.”
“You wanted to eat here.”
“Yes.”
“Is there anything good on it?”
“It mainly consists of various hamburgers and hot dogs, with a side order of fries.”
“Curly or straight?”
“Straight.’
“Good.”
Joe found them unnerving. Nevertheless, the kitchen had been safe throughout Ghast’s attack and any money was good money right now, so he went over with a notebook.
“What can I get you fellas?”
SG handed the menu over to RG: “I would like a hamburger with fries please. Ketchup. And sparkling water.”
RG looked at him. “You savage.” He looked at the menu for a split second before putting it down: “Hamburger with fries. Ketchup. Mineral water.”
“Alright, coming right up.”
Both men stared at Joe until he disappeared into the kitchen. He could feel their piercing stare in his back and shuddered.
“I told you to be inconspicuous.”
“A lot of people order sparkling water.”
“Yes, but mineral water is far more common. And neutral.”
“I was curious, I have never had it before.”
“Curiosity killed the cat.”
“Which cat?”
“I do not know, but people keep saying it. Presumably it was a famous one.”
SG nodded: “Hmm.”
They continued to take in the wreckage of the diner, but sat silently until Joe came with their order.
“Here you go guys. Have a nice meal.” He turned around, planning to go back to his cleanup but RG stopped him: “Excuse me but can I ask you a question?”
Joe turned back: “Yeah?”
“What happened to your establishment?”
“Last night some crazy asshole dressed like a fruitcake came in. I dunno how he did it, but he wrecked the joint without even touching anything!”
“Interesting.” RG rigidly turned to SG: “What do you think?”
SG was sitting upright and stiff. He took a single fry in his hand and slowly dipped it into his ketchup. He then lifted his hand towards his mouth, opened it after a delay as if he had to think about what do do next and ate the fry, chewing very slowly. At last he swallowed: “That is interesting indeed.”
“Tell us, did this man mention his name?”
“No, but he looked really weird. Tall and skinny and clothes like I’ve never seen before. Wore a cape and everything.”
RG took a slow sip from his water before addressing his companion: “I believe we are on the right track.”
SG proceeded to slowly take a bite out of his burger: “Hmm.”



Spoiler Show

Chapter 5: Mooney’s Shack
Thankfully, the reason Earl had gotten arrested the night before was because of drunk driving. Not to say that it’s a good thing to do. It is not. It does however, help the story as they now have a means of transportation. As the sheriff knew Earl to be mostly harmless in person (just a bit too attached to the booze and a walking disaster because of it), he just had his car towed to the station instead of sending it to an impound lot. It had become a bit of a habit between the two. Now Ghast and Earl were cruising over the road to Moony’s Shack, which according to Earl was the nearest town and only half an hour’s drive away. According to legend, this old frontier town got its start with a shack built by a man named Moony. This currently tells us that the people here are considerably lax in what constitutes a legend and that they are somewhat lacking in both creativity and sensibility when it comes to town names.
“So how long were you in that chest then?”
“I honestly do not know, earl. I truly have no idea. All I know is that I am glad to be out of that infernal thing. Any longer and I think I would have lost my mind, isn’t that right Chauncey?”
The beetle remained quiet. It was content to skitter around in his lap.
“So, is it a big town? This… Mooney’s Hut?”
“Shack.”
“I refuse to use that word.”
“Well it’s not as big as it used to be. It got started as a small frontier town back when people were heading west. It was near a river and some rich grounds kept it going and growing for a long time. They closed the mine a couple of years back though, so who knows how long it’ll last now.”
“Does it have an evil overlord?”
“Well, mayor Kaczinski is kind of a dick, but I wouldn’t really call him an overlord.”
“Any bars that are frequented by the adventurously inclined?”
“Adventurously inclined?”
“You know the types: usually really burly, but sometimes very lite pretty boys. Half-naked and always eager to thrust themselves into whatever lies ahead, no matter how much they need to dirty themselves.
Earl smiled: “Oh, I see what you mean. Well, I guess there’s the Pink Stallion for that.”
“It shall have to be wiped from existence.”
Earl looked at him with a horrified look on his face: “What, why?”
“No earl, you are right, it’s better to leave it be. Better to have a place where they’re known to gather. I’ll just post some spies there.”
Earl may not be the brightest of the bunch, but neither was he a complete idiot. It just seemed that way sometimes on account of the large amounts of alcohol he ingested on a daily basis. Some people can be seen as not just fulfilling an archetype, but being the most perfect embodiment of it. In Earl’s case, he embodied the drunk uncle every family has to such an extent that cosmologically speaking, he could be considered humanity’s drunk uncle. Just like there is an Ogg every cycle, existing purely to be the first person killed for the purpose of having the credit of his art stolen (an important distinction, because while murder for theft was common, before this the murderers were surprisingly honest about the origins of the items they stole) there was also an Earl every time. Even the time evolution somehow missed alcohol and every being on earth remained sober for millions of years. There somehow was still a drunken uncle Earl.
He drinks so much, that there isn’t really a moment when alcohol wasn’t being processed in his body. Alcohol was almost as much part of him as his own blood was to the point that if a vampire would try to feed off of him it would quickly have to stop. Not because it got too drunk to carry on, but because the first gulp would get it a pretty severe case of alcohol poisoning. Earl himself however, had quite possibly built up the biggest tolerance to booze that has ever existed. He could get drunk, but it would require immense amounts of hootch (which, incidentally is why he is always drinking, as he wants to be drunk whenever he can) His body was completely immune to any poisoning attempts of the sauce. No spirits could harm him, aside from actual spirits. It was a truly spectacular feat which no-one, including himself, will likely ever be aware of. Now, in a small flash of clarity, it started to dawn on Earl that he in fact did not see what Ghast had meant.
“Wait, we are talking about gay bars right?”
“Are you telling me gays have their own bars? What on earth for?”
Earl was stunned. They were careening dangerously fast to a very touchy subject and just like the writer, he was unsure how to proceed. It was like opening a whole can of worms in the most immaculate room in existence, except all the worms were gay (although they are actually hermaphroditic and pretty much beyond the concept of sexual orientation) and everyone was bound to get angry no matter what was said about whom. And then some people would get angry about opening the can in the first place, since according to them the can shouldn’t exist. And then others would tell them to shut up because worms are people too and quite frankly feel offended that gays were now being compared to worms and it all ended with mother becoming angry because she just cleaned the floor. And after all that no-one even bothered to ask either the worms (whether gay or not) or gay humans about their opinions. Personally, I feel the writer, that two bit hack, is a bit of a worm for trying to squirm out of the debate like this, but I digress...
The gist of the conversation that did occur, however, is that Lord Ghast was somewhat appalled. According to him, there was absolutely nothing wrong with people being gay. All people are the same to him: subjects to tax and/or torture. Otherwise it’d just be a waste of income.
The town was already getting into view. Lord Ghast was impressed. While his old domain was rather small, he had heard stories about other towns and cities that, from the descriptions, seemed fantastically large. Cities of wonder, where you could walk for a long time without finding the city’s edge (long here being roughly 30 minutes, as standards for size descriptors were ridiculously low compared to now). Even from this distance, it was clear to him that Mooney’s Shack would dwarf them all. He wondered if it would be filled with artisans and artists, with nobility and merchants. Where the common folk could be considered well off compared to the people of small hamlets and even the beggars had a place to stay. Right about then, a car drove up next to them, opened a window and threw a bottle of beer right at Earl’s open window. As if it was one of his several sixth senses not dulled by the constant alcohol abuse, he caught the bottle perfectly and took a sip.
A resounding “diddly you!” was yelled from the other car and it sped off into the distance.
Ghast looked dumbfounded: “What on earth was that for?”
“No worries, happens all the time.”
“They always greet you by throwing a bottle at you?”
“This is nothing, at least I can drink this.”
“Why do they do that?”
Earl took another sip. “Could have something to do with the time I got drunk and accidentally burned down the town square’s Christmas tree. On Christmas Eve. Or the time I got drunk and accidentally set off the entire stash of fireworks for the 4th of July early and sent it flying into the river. Or the time I got drunk and accidentally launched fireworks at the christmas tree the other year. While it was still being hauled on the truck to its place.” He turned silent for a bit. “Still don’t know why those fireworks were there.”
Lord Ghast didn’t understand the concepts behind either christmas or the 4th of July, but from context he understood that they must have been events beloved by the public. Mostly because he had loved ruining such festive events by himself on many occasions. Getting the village idiot drunk and placing him near the right objects was one of his favorite methods, not to mention a great way to challenge his creativity. He tried to make it a bit different every time.
“I see all your stories have a common element.”
Earl somewhat missed the point: “Oh no, sometimes I ruin something on a regular day too. It’s not just holidays. Like the time I got drunk and hit the mayor’s dog with my car. On his birthday.” He swerved to avoid another dog that was currently on the road, rather than in the fog of drunken memories past.
“The mayor’s or the dog’s?”
“Both actually.” His tone shifted to a noticeably darker tone: “The dogs name tag is still stuck in my bumper.”

They drove through what could be called the suburbs, but only in a very generous interpretation of the word. While they were indeed suburbs by the technical definition of the word, they didn’t much had the feel of them. True suburbs had nice green lawns in front of impeccable homes, with sprinklers going off at perfectly timed intervals, the nicest flowers and picket fences lining the edges and in ideal circumstances a little dog house with your preferred canine. Just imagine it for yourself. You can see it, can you? You can see yourself in the yard, perhaps with a couple of children playing catch with it. Just know that whatever dog you imagined, if it isn’t a golden retriever, is wrong. Obviously golden retrievers are the best fit for this. You’d be a fool to think otherwise. The writer claims that there are probably at least a dozen different kinds, but what does he know? He doesn’t even have a dog.
These “suburbs” had none of that. The lawns were mostly dirt, with at best some patches of yellowed grass. Rather than flowers lining the edges (any flowers attempting to grow there had long ago plain given up on it and allowed themselves to wilt), there were weeds and chain linked fences. Any type of dog to be found was firmly of the “come close and I’ll immediately bite your tender bits off” variety. They all started barking the moment Ghast and Earl passed them by.
The houses had peeling paint jobs, if any at all. Windows and walls were moldy and cracked and looked ready for a complete work-over by bulldozer, their dilapidated state having progressed so far that this would quite frankly be the only way left for the buildings to be improved.
Ghast took in his surroundings. Despite everything looking far better than what most of his subjects were used to living in, he nevertheless felt a sense of dread here. He had the power to level entire buildings in the tips of his fingers, yet for some reason while driving through it the man who once stared down a dragon into submission (prequel book soon to be sold) felt like he’d be a lot safer if he had some sort of weapon at hand at all time. And if Earl would speed up a little.
“Don’t mind them dogs. They’re always barking.”
Earl finished the bottle and threw it out. It might please the more environment-conscious reader to know that this did not make much difference at all, as the broken bottle integrated nicely with all the other broken bottles already on the street.
"So where do you want me to take you?" Earl asked.
"Away from this particular part of the city". Ghast wondered if he could roll up his window, which was already closed, even harder somehow.
Earl nodded: "You know what, I'll take you to downtown."
"Any place of interest there?"
"There's a couple of bars there I haven't been thrown out of yet."
Ghast rolled his eyes: "Figures."
Earl took a turn and left the suburbs. After a couple of streets however, the road was blocked.
"Now what's this about earl?"
Earl scratched his chin. "Hmmm, I'm not really sure. Wait a minute, what date is today?"
"I can assure you, I haven't the faintest idea. All I know is that when I went in my chest, it was the third day of Butcher's month, in the year 3568."
"Yeah that doesn't help me at all. What was Butcher's month, some sort of fest for butchers?"
"I guess that's one way to put it, yes."
Around the car, people from all over were headed in the direction of the blockage. They could hear the murmurs of a crowd. Earl put his head out of the window and addressed a passerby: "Excuse me, but what's going on here?"
The woman looked aside with a smile: "It's Mooney's Day, obviously."
Ghast looked at Earl: "What's Mooney's Day?"
"Oh that's the celebration of the time Ol' Mooney managed to chase his numerous debt collectors from his domain AND showed an English noblewoman his heiny. Big day. It kinda was the day the town was founded, in a sense."
"Truly, an inspiring story for the ages."
"I know right? Wanna check it out?"
Ghast sighed: "Oh why not. I guess this will give me a better impression of the commoners than last night."
At that moment a man in his early 20s, chest laid bare and wearing a beer hat, while holding an additional bottle of whiskey in his hand tapped on Ghasts window and let out an obnoxiously loud "WOOOOW MOONEY'S DAY BRUH!!!" He then turned around, bent over and dropped his pants, his putrid posterior pointed persistently at Ghast's pout.
“Or a different one, in any case.”
Ghast grabbed hold of Chauncey, who had been crawling over the dashboard during the trip and got out of the car.
"You, boy. Avert your behind and apologize to your superiors immediately."
The young man turned around, still having an idiotic grin on his face. "What's the matter man, can't take a joke?"
"It appears the passage of time hasn't done much to improve the common folk's idea of comedy."
"Watcha talking about?"
Ghast threw his arm around the young man's shoulder: "Listen here, young man, do you want to see something REALLY funny?"
The partier seemed relieved at Ghast's apparent turnaround: "Uh, yeah sure..."
Ghast grabbed him by his ass. "HEY BRO NOT COO..mmph" Ghast covered the young man's face with his other hand and flipped him around in his entirety, dropping him to the ground.
He struggled to get up: "YO MAN WHAT GIVES? Wait where are you?" He turned around looking for Ghast. "Wait, why am I so low?" While turning he lost his balance and fell down again.
Above him Ghast was laughing. "What did you to me man?"
"Well you seemed so keen on showing your backside, I merely decided to help you in your future endeavors."
The young man felt his head, but could not feel any of the features normally present there. Though there was a hole. He lowered his hands to his back, but when he felt his ass, his vision became obstructed.
He screamed. He tried running away, but on account of his legs being aimed in the opposite direction of where he was looking there was a lot of spatial confusion and a lot of pratfalls. After an absurd amount of time, during which Ghast almost bent over laughing, he managed to leave the street.
Earl was so dumbstruck at the entire interaction, he forgot to drink from the bottle of beer he had somehow acquired.
“I don’t think he thought it was that funny.”
“Oh my dear earl, commoners wouldn’t know funny if a dead clown dropped out of their closet.”
Earl decided it was best to let that remark go.
“Let’s… Let’s just go on.”

 

[Dentim]

A new one:

Spoiler Show

Chapter 6: Escape from Mooney’s Shack
“Why? Why would you do that Ghast?”
“I told you to call me LORD Ghast!” Ghast covered his breast pocket with his hand. “Stay in Chauncey, now’s not the time for a walkabout.”
Ghast and Earl were running for their lives down the streets of Mooney’s Shack, chased by an angry mob. The mob consisted largely of pretty normal (if tipsy) people armed with whatever they could find. Mostly and strangely enough, considering that they were in a pretty large metropolitan area, pitchforks. But not everyone in the mob was normal and we’re not talking about people dressed up for the occasion.
“Grab those bastards!” shouted a young red-faced woman. Her enraged state may have been caused by the fact that up until about half an hour ago she had never had the need to shave her face and that this certainty in her life had suddenly received a startling reversal. And that she felt she was too young for grey hairs. But that one’s merely conjecture on my part.
From the direction everyone was running, various objects were doing their very best not to burst into flames, but the success rate thereof was pretty horrid. Up in the sky, a giant balloon figure in the shape of an old gold digger (the 19th century type carrying a pickaxe and who actually dug for gold, not the later model that merely digs gold) was rapidly losing both altitude and shape, making Ol’ Mooney look even wrinklier than he actually had been. In the distance the town hall was already covered under what were the remains of his inflatable donkey companion (Eustace P. Terwilliger, for the curious. Historians are however uncertain about the name.).
"Fry 'em, like Mooney did to them widows!" yelled a girl.
"You mean the criminal's wives?" The question came from an old man. The girl turned to him but quickly turned away again: the skeletal trunk where his nose should have been was upsetting her. Partly because trunks aren't supposed to have any bones, only a bit of cartilage near the nostrils.
"No, I meant them war widows."
"Right!"
Lord Ghast and Earl (and Chauncey) ran as fast as they could. Ghast flicked his wrist and brought down a lantern post in order to slow their pursuers down, but this was only partly effective.
"Faster earl!"
Earl wheezed. Exercise was not his forté. The most effort he ever put into anything was being born, and he felt it wasn’t worth it. When he was a child and was learning how to walk, he was quickly of the opinion that the whole ordeal was bullshit. Not that he knew that word back then, but the sentiment was there.
"I'm... going..." he took in a big breath, "as fast as I can, Lord Ghast."
"Lose those bottles man, they're only slowing you down!"
Earl took a look at a bag with bottles of fine malt that he was carrying. The thought barely registered: "Never! I earned these fair and square!"
"You took them while the bartender wasn't looking!"
"That's right, can't prove that I took them if he didn't see me take them!"
Ghast wasn't sure whether he was too mentally advanced for that logic or not advanced enough. Though he had a pretty good idea.
"You didn't even bother to hide them when he looked back!"
"Finders keepers, 's what I always say."
"Just get rid of them!"
"Fine!" Earl took one last look at the bottles, opened one of them and took a gulp. It was astonishing how he could down almost half of it without slowing down the least. He then threw it, along with the bag behind him. Several people, including the man with the trunk slipped over them.
"Well done earl!"
They had reached the car. Ghast turned himself into a mist in order to enter the car without having to bother opening the door. It was a real time save, the only problem being that his magic once again crapped out on him part way and he ended up with a leg fused into the car door, sticking out helplessly. Earl attempted to slide over the hood of the car, planning on immediately using his momentum to swing in through the driver's window. However as his car was incredibly grimy, his body came to a full stop before he got even halfway across the windshield and he ended up awkwardly trying to scooch over the rest of the way.
"What are you doing you fool? Get in and get us out of here already!"
"I'm working on it!" Earl fell of the hood, propped himself up and got in. After some fumbling with the keys he managed to start the car and drove off. To this day scientist haven't figured out how come there is always so much fumbling when you're in a rush. This always happens, even when you're holding the right key, or against all reason even when there aren't any other keys to be confused with. The larger the sense of urgency, the less likely you are to get the right key from the start.
He rammed in the key and turned it around. While Earl's car was usually fine, it was as if it now sensed the dramatics and decided to do some sputtering and backfiring before it actually moved.
While driving out of the street, Earl hit some conveniently placed trash cans. By which we mean that Ghast's leg hit them, leading to a loud yelp from him and a bruise that would last for at least a couple of days.
"Careful you oaf!"
"Can't you pull in your leg?"
Ghast was making a large variety of gestures with his hands. Without anything happening, this looked profoundly silly.
"I'm trying, but it isn't working." At this point Chauncey stuck his horn out of Ghast's pocket. Not because it was particularly curious, beetles tend to thrive by being absolutely not curious at all about raving mobs and dangerously fast moving vehicles operated by people who might not be all there in the head at the moment. Most likely he was just looking for something to eat.
"What's that Chauncey? No I will not chop it off!" He stared at the beetle. "Well it would bloody well bother me!"
His leg hit another trash can.
"AAAAAGH" He turned towards Earl: "WILL YOU WATCH THE DAMN ROAD ALREADY?"
"I'm sorry Ghast. I'm trying, but..." Earl pointed ahead and Ghast followed his finger.
It was already a narrow road, but for some strange reason everyone had decided to put their trash cans on the road instead of the sidewalk. I'm sure there was a very good reason for this, but the writer won't tell me. My guess is he just wanted them there.
"Auw."
"Sorry."
"Auw."
"Sorry."
"Auw."
"Sorry."
"Auw."
"How long are you gonna keep doing that for?"
Ghast let out a snarl: "I don't know. HOW MANY MORE TRASH CANS ARE YOU GOING TO HIT?"
"Well technically, you're the one hitting them."
"Shut up." Ghast tried to keep a straight face, but it was not hard to detect the seething rage burgeoning beneath it.
Chauncey crawled over the part of his leg still inside the car.
"You shut up too Chauncey."
Earl looked into the rearview mirror. "I think we lost them."
Of course, these words are never uttered without something appearing from another direction. Which is why... what? Nothing? Oh, a bit of a letdown in my opinion. Told you this writer's a hack: he could have called in cop cars, a different part of the parade or had barricades appear. Yes, it appeared Ghast and Earl would make a clean getaway.
But then the car sputtered and slowed down. Well played, I guess, you hacky writer.
"Why are you slowing down? Keep going, they might catch up otherwise."
"It's not me, something's wrong with the car."
"Then fix it."
"How? I don't even know what's wrong."
"You mean to tell me you don't know how to repair your own vehicle?"
"No, I don't know the slightest bit about cars except how to drive them." This however was a bit of a lie, as no other person in history had ever found as many hiding places for bottles in a car as Earl had. He could've taught a thing or two to the bootleggers of old. This particular area of expertise however, was of course completely useless at the moment. Aside from helping Earl take a bit of the edge off in this stressful situation, which he did by taking a bottle from some ill-defined place and taking a sip.
To Ghast, this was incomprehensible. But in fairness, Ghast was used to vehicles that required no more than a nearby tree to be fixed.
The car had come to a complete stop.
"Ok, so now what do we do?"
"I don't know Ghast, but I hope it involves you freeing that leg of yours." Behind them, they started to hear the sounds of the mob. Those were sounds Ghast would recognize anywhere. They're pretty universal. "Sounds like they caught up."
"I can hear that!"
Ghast made another attempt to free his leg, to no avail. Meanwhile the mob was inching closer and closer.
"They're almost there."
"Silence!"
Chauncey turned its face towards Ghast.
"NOT NOW CHAUNCEY"
Completely at wit's end, Ghast started pulling his leg.
Something smashed against the rear window. The mob had started throwing things.
Earl emptied his bottle and burped loudly. "Oh well, I always kind of expected to go down like this."
"Are you talking about the bottle or the mob?"
"Both."
The mob had reached the car and was surrounding the car. All of the faces in it, both normal and deformed looked incredibly pissed off. As if rather than tiring them out, the chase had only had made them angrier.
A red-faced man, in this instance meaning a man whose face had been turned burgundy red after an encounter with Ghast, addressed them: "Alright Earl, get out of the car along with your friend. And maybe we won't completely murder the both of you." Ghast felt he sounded thoroughly unconvincing.
Earl grabbed hold of the door handle.
"What are you doing earl?"
"Getting out."
"But he just said they'll kill you."
"No, he said that if I got out, they may not."
Ghast rolled his eyes: "You know they're just saying that to get us out, right? This isn't my first mob you know: they WILL kill us."
"Could be, but I'm guessing that any chance I have of them not killing me goes down the drain if they have to drag me out of here."
Earl knocked on the dashboard and from the bottom a bottle of beer came rolling out. He chugged it and shouted out of the half-open window: "Alright hold on, I'm coming out."
"Wait! I'm still stuck."
"Can't you just turn all misty again?"
"I've tried, doesn't work."
"What good is magicking yourself anyway if it just ends up getting you stuck in something?"
"That usually doesn't happen! Wait..." If this was a cartoon, a lightbulb would have appeared above Ghast's head. As this isn't a cartoon, we will have to make do with the ceiling light coincidentally and unrelatedly turning on at this moment.
"All this time I've been trying to magic my leg out of the door."
"Yes, so?"
"I'm going to take a different approach."
His hands lit up and he touched the door. Earl looked on a bit stunned as after a few seconds, it became transparent. Ghast effortlessly pulled his leg into the car. "I must say, that was quite silly of me not to think of it sooner. But look! I'm free again." He joyfully moved his leg as far the confines of the car would allow.
"That's great Ghast. Now what about the mob?"
"Mob?" Ghast looked out of his window. Several people were either sharpening their pitchforks, which only seemed to be growing in numbers by the minute or lighting more torches. They had somehow found the time to create crude yet passable effigies of Ghast and Earl, which were promptly lit on fire. It was probably not the best use of either their time or resources, but what can I say: that's mob mentality for you.
"Oh yes, the mob."
He put his index finger to his mouth. "Hmmm, I suppose in a place as advanced as this..." someone took a leak on the car, "...they probably frown upon mass annihilation?"
"You mean murder? Yes people aren't too overly fond of it." It was astonishing how clearly Earl could be heard with his lips on a bottle.
"Oh well, if it's ok with you my dear earl, I'm thinking of that as my main plan."
"Oh come on Ghast..."
"Lord!"
"...Lord Ghast, we kinda had it coming." He pointed outside to a man and a woman who were both having difficulty balancing on 3 legs. Mostly because they were sharing the third and were forced to look into different directions, as trying to look the same way would have required one of them to have a fatal case of broken neck.
“Why did you do that anyway?”
Ghast looked indignant at the man/woman: “They know what they did.”
Chauncey crawled over his hand.
“What’s that Chauncey? Go through the ground? Preposterous, there’s nothing there.”
Earl took another of his many sips: “Sure there is, we got the sewers down there.”
“The what?”
“The sewers. I’ve been there before, at the suggestion of a… friend.” In his memories he saw Jokko open a sewer grate and push him in. Of course as the clown was imaginary, he couldn’t have actually pushed him. But then again, someone had to have opened the grate.
“Makes for a good getaway, if you don’t mind the smell.”
“Well then.” Ghast’s hands lit up again. “Seems we have no other choice.”
Earl looked a bit worried: “But what if it fails again and we end up stuck in the ground?”
“Well earl, since you don’t want me killing them, it’s either this…” he pointed at the ground, “...or that.” He pointed outside.
The amount of pitchforks had reached critical mass to the point that it had become hard to keep them away from all the torches. Several of them were now on fire, but this did not seem to deter their holders.
“Sewer it is.”
“Alright then. We will need to get out first, I have to touch the actual ground.”
Earl almost choked on his bottle. “Hold up, nobody said anything getting out. That’s where the fire and pitchforks are.”
“I’d rather not risk having to send us through two different things.”
Earl whimpered: “But the fire and pitchforks and the flaming pitchforks…”
“Pitchforks aren’t that bad. You just need to imagine that they keep hitting you with the space in between the tines.”
Earl thought about this for a second. He could not come up with a rebuttal.
The man outside shouted again: “We’re gonna give you to the count of 3 to get out, otherwise we’ll burn the car with you in it!”
Ghast answered: “Alright alright, we’re coming out!”
“When I give the signal, grab onto me.”
Earl nodded.
They both got out of the car. Ghast moved around the car to stand next to Earl. His hands were already glowing.
The red-faced man smiled: “Right there you go, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Now before we get started, why don’t you pull whatever kind of tricks you did again and fix me and all of these people up. And MAYBE we’ll go lenient on you and only break most of the bones in your body.
“What about me?” Earl asked with an awkward smile.
“Well Earl, can you fix any of us?”
“No.”
“All bones it is then.”
Earl looked down his feet, all of his hopes smashed into a sad puddle like a dropped and unopened bottle of whiskey.
Ghast stared the man down: “You seem to have an intriguing obsession with bones.
“Wouldn’t call it an obsession.” (A lie, as a close examination of the man’s house would reveal skeletons of tons of different animals he had hunted throughout the years. And a human one in the basement. But that one he hadn’t killed, merely inherited.)
“Perhaps you would like to see some up close?”
“Don’t need too, you see…”
Before he finished Ghast had finished a movement with his hands, causing the red man’s entire skeleton to remove itself through his mouth. It stood there, magically propped up while the man’s flesh dropped down into a puddle. His eyes swirled and turned, looking at his own bone structure. Which was quite nice, as bone structures go. A biologists’ wet dream. In any other circumstance, he would have loved to see such a specimen. He tried to scream, but lacking a jawbone this appeared to be a somewhat impossible task.
“Now Earl!”
Ghast bent over and touched the ground with his glowing hands. Earl quickly jumped on his back and together they slid through the ground. Meanwhile their audience stared dumbfounded (and horrified) at Ghast’s latest victim.

 

[KingdomKey]

At least Ghast and Earl managed to get away from the angry mob. These two on the run was incredibly entertaining to me. I thought it was funny when Ghast got his leg stuck in the car door and Earl points out what's the point of magic. Oh, I also loved the mini chapter we got! It looks like maybe the FBI or something is after them too. They were a great surprise! I like how they settle down to eat, even though, the round glasses man needs to watch his weight. The pair had great chemistry together. I really can't wait to see how things turn out, should they run into Ghast and Earl. Overall, I liked all of the chapters. And I hope to read more!

 

[Dentim]

I wasn't too sure about the mini. I feared it might slow down the main story a bit too much (and it's harder than expected to create 2 characters with stilted dialogue and still trying to make them funny), so I'm really happy to hear that. For story flow reasons I place it between chapters 4 and 5 (4 ends with Ghast's escape from the sherrif and 5 begins with them entering the city).

Summer slowed me down considerably (despite roughly 2 weeks off from work ) but I have about 1 and a half chapters. Here's the completed one:

Spoiler Show

Chapter 7: Murky Business
Ghast and Earls slipped through the ceiling of the absurdly spacious sewer before finding out that they had no immediate ground once they got through, and fell into the murky… let’s call it water. Probably for the best.

Ghast’s head popped up almost as soon as it went under. He tried gasping for air, but immediately regretted it.

“Chauncey, I swear you will pay for this idea.”

The beetle had managed to stay dry and clean in Ghast’s pocket. It was also unimpressed with Ghast’s threat.

Earl came up as well. The bottle in his hand had already been open before they fell and he stared at it, weighing his options.

“Earl, tell me something.”

Earl had a tear in his eye when he put the bottle down. “Yes, lord Ghast?”

“Where do these tunnels lead?”

“To the sewage facility, I guess.”

“Are there people there?”

“Dozens, probably.”

“So we are are essentially trapped?”

Earl pointed at a dim light in the distance. “There’s also the sewer grates.”

“Which are probably the first place the mob will look?”

“Most likely, yes.”

“I blame you Chauncey.”

Shadows were moving over the grates. Most likely the mob was trying to find them.

"Well, we can't just keep standing here. Sooner or later they'll come down and I prefer to be gone by then. Where do you think we should go earl?"

"I don't know... the right?"

"The left it is."

Our impossible trio travelled through the sewers for several hours. Ghast had created another little light to help them better see how all the tunnels and corridors looked exactly the same. And to not step into anything too nasty.

"Lord, can I ask you something?"

"What is it earl?"

"How do you do the things you do?"

"By thinking."

"No, I mean, the magic. How do you do it? It's nothing like I've ever seen before."

"Are you serious? In my day, there were at least low level tricksters nearly everywhere. Can't imagine you never having seen anything magical."

"Well, did that mob strike you as people who've seen magic?"

"Come to think of it, not really."

Ghast pondered for a bit.

"Come to think of it, there are a lot of things strange about this world. Where are the other races and the creatures of the dark?"

"The what?"

"You know, the supernatural. Demons, vampires, werewolves and the like."

"Only heard stories about them, fairy tales and such."

"Really? No ghosts and goblins? No fae folk or dwarves? No zombies, dragons, griffins or chimeras? Not even a talking animal?"

"Well we have parrots."

"What are those?"

"They're birds that speak."

"Smart creatures are they?"

"Well, they don't really know what they're saying. Mostly just repeat people in exchange for crackers."

"Oh."

There was some disappointment on Ghast's face. He liked most supernatural creatures. Mostly because they were usually stronger than humans and therefore of more use in his various mines and work camps. That is when they weren't being rivals to his power. Particularly vampires had larger ambitions to try and rule over as many humans as they could. They were easily more troublesome than the rest of the supernatural combined. Werewolves and dragons preferred to just hide out near human settlement and occasionally eat some. Goblins and Kobolds were generally too stupid to conceive of any type of good domination plans. The one that got the furthest, Gnorfff The-Dropped-On-His-Head-As-A-Child, tried to lead his tribe to victory against one the largest human cities on earth. Said city boasted a population of thousands while his tribe consisted of him, his mother and any Goblin he picked up along the way. All six of them. In retrospect, the shortcut had probably been a bad idea.

Now The Fair Folk (they insist on the capitalised T) where a different case altogether. Elves and Dark Elves generally stick to their own and try to ignore humans while their brethren, The Fairies, didn't want to rule as much as they just liked to dick around with humans and any other creature they considered below them. Which was everything. They were a twisted bunch that not even he had much love for. Especially not since the Assault of Bricks, wherein they thought it was funny to move Ghast's castle across the canyon overnight. And then when he tried to put it back 'helped' him by levitating most of the bricks separately and not necessarily in the right direction.

But in his opinion vampires were worse. Not as powerful or chaotic as The Fairies but they made up for it in stubbornness and tenacity. Plus they just wouldn't stay dead. It should be said that Ghast was the only one who held this opinion. While a vampire was definitely not a good creature to have stalking in the vicinity, most people preferred them to the Fair Folk because at least a vampire still treats you like a person. A lesser person, but a person nonetheless. That the vampire likely wants to drink. Ghast was mostly just annoyed that people kept mistaking him for one. Vampires come of course in all shapes and sizes. Sensible since most vampires don't care what a human looks like, only what he or she tastes like. But somehow, when you ask someone about what a vampire would look like, most would come up with the description of a gaunt, tall and thin creature that more or less fits Ghast to a T.

"What happened to them?"

Earl shrugged. "As far as I know, they were never real. Kids' stories."

"Oh, but they were real, earl, they were. In my time the world was filled with them. They were everywhere. Not as plentiful as us, but still quite common."

"Dealt a lot with them?"

"On a constant basis. I even employed some of them." (It should be noted that to Ghast 'employed' was pretty interchangeable with 'enslaved'.)

"And of course, frequently fought them as well. Human wars were nice, but fights involving creatures like those? Those were FUN."

Earl decided to take him at his word.

"So what do you think happened to them?"

"I haven't got the faintest idea. It's certainly strange that they'd all just be gone. Then again, I don't even know how long I was underground. Anything could have happened."

At this point, as if there was a forced need for a conversation to stop, one of the grates opened up. Strange how several hours of time and the complete absence of visual confirmation or tracks does nothing to stop chasers from finding their quarry when convenient.

"There they are!"

"Bollocks."

"Shit."

"You only noticed now?"

"No, I meant we better run Ghast."

"Agreed."

They ran off. Ghast used his magic to erect a side to side wall of...

"SHIT!"

"That should deter them. A bit. I hope."

As they ran on towards the tunnel, ahead of them another grate opened up and people started coming down. Ghast created another wall of...

"CRAP!"

They took a right turn, but even there they had an improbable amount of bad luck as another grate opened. Up went another wall of...

"FECES!"

They turned left, which turned out to be a dead end.

"Well, what do we do now?"

"Let me think."

In the distance, several of their chasers were watching one of the magic walls. They jumped through, only to find others of their group on the other side.

Ghast erected another wall in front of him and Earl, locking them in.

"What are you doing?"

"They can't see through them, it might buy us some time."

"But what do we do now?"

Ghast sighed and moved to lean against the (stone) wall: "I don't know earl, I just don't..." He fell through.

Earl whispered. "Ghast? Ghast where are you?"

On the other side, Ghast was on the floor looking at a faint image of a wall and behind it, a hazy Earl. He saw how Earl touched the wall, but contrary to him couldn't go through. Earl pushed and shoved, but it nothing happened.

Ghast looked around. The walls and and floor were nothing like they were on the other side of the clear wall. For one thing they were clean. There were electric lights strung up on the ceiling and there were a large variety of glowing symbols scribbled around the strange wall Earl desperately tried to get through.

"Curiouser and curiouser."

Behind Earl the mob passed very unhappily through Ghasts last line of defence and descended upon him. He had his back against the wall when Ghast got up, put his arm through it and effortlessly pulled Earl in. The mob crashed against the wall. They started banging against the wall and shouted things that couldn't be heard, but this was unnecessary. It was quite clear what kind of verbal abuse they hurled at the wall.

While pulling Earl in they had both fallen to the ground.

"Ghast?"

"Yes?"

"What just happened?"

"It's a fake wall." Ghast pushed Earl away from him and got up.

"Do you see those glyphs and runes? Those are incantations. One for the fake wall. Another to block sound and another to make it impenetrable to trespassers. Repeated several times."

"Trespassers?"

"Specifically, just those that don’t have a magical nature. Otherwise we'd still be on the other side."

"How come I'm in then?"

"Because, my dear earl, you're with me."

Earl got up as well. "Sounds like someone went through a lot of trouble to keep people out."

"Most likely several people did. I don't know all of those signs and even those I do come from different places." Once again this was an example of how Ghast stood out from most other of his kind. Sorcerers and overlords were mainly content to keep their knowledge to that of their own surroundings as most spells are generally the same, just through the uses of different languages. But Ghast had always had a thirst for knowledge.
“Well, let’s go and see what’s being hidden here.”

Earl tried to reach into his pocket to take a drink, but found that his supply of various boozes had run dry.

“Excellent idea. Maybe there’s something to drink.”


They followed the hallway and came into an enormous room. The electric lights continued alongside the walls. In the middle of the room were numerous buildings and there were people walking about. Except they weren’t people. In an uncanny and completely unintentional callback to Ghast and Earl’s earlier conversation, the people here weren’t human. Someone clearly needs to send our writer to a writing class. What? This is just clumsy, that’s what it is.

In any case, there was a large variety of creatures. Pixies were flying around aimlessly. Some dwarves were repairing a broken wall while a Rain Bird was sleeping on top of the opposite building. There were some Goblins standing guard in the front. They were squabbling with each other.
Lord Ghast looked a bit happier: “Now this is more like it.”

Earl rubbed his eye a bit. He had seen some strange things today, but he drew the line at men with the front legs of a horse and the back end of a fish. Ichthyocentaurs, for the curious. Think mermaid but instead of a horse it’s the lower body of a Hippocampus. Wait what do you mean people nowadays don’t know what those are? Philistines. A hippocampus, of course, is a legendary hybrid of a horse and a fish. Not to be confused with the genus of sea horses. Or the part of the brain.
Clearly there was something missing here, in Earls opinion something bottle shaped.

“What.”

“Come earl, we must make acquaintances.”

Ghast strode towards the town with Earl in tow. Once they got close enough the Goblins noticed them and looked up.

Ghast let out a somewhat uncharacteristically jovial: “Greetings, my fellow creatures.”

The Goblins stared at Ghast. Then at Earl. Then at each other. Then at Ghast again. Then one of them kicked Earl in the shin and they ran off screaming.

“MOTHER…” Earl grabbed his shin in pain.

“Hmm, perhaps you startled them Chauncey.”

They heard screechy voices coming from the town: “Humans! There’s been a breach!” This was followed by a loud gasp from about a couple of hundred different voices.

It was a gasp of shock and surprise, the type you hear when people see something they’ve never or rarely seen before.

The pixies all descended downwards into the town and the Dwarves also ran inside, screaming.
“Well, they’re a bit rude, aren’t they?”

Ghast went inside. Earl, still rubbing his shin followed.

They were stared at by all the various inhabitants.

There were some unsubtle whisperings along the lines of:
“Act unnatural.”

“Pretend to be human.”

“Watch out, your fangs are showing.”

Ghast looked at one of the pixies, who had landed and was now awkwardly walking about (awkward both because of their current attitude and because pixies as a whole have pretty weak leg muscles)

“Excuse me miss, could you tell me why you are all acting so strange?”

The pixie trembled and then fainted.

“Oh dear.”

Ghast looked around and saw an orc. “You there, orc. You look like a strong one. Maybe you could carry this one to a healer?”

The orc cast his gaze upwards and whistled. Or at least tried to whistle.

“What are you doing man? Everyone knows orcs can’t whistle. Stop acting so strange.”

The orc stopped and came over to pick up the pixie. He tried his best to avoid Ghasts gaze and left.

“Alright then, you harpy.”

A harpy looked around only to notice to its absolute dread that it was the only harpy around.

“Y.. Yes?”

“What is this place? Why are you hiding here?”

“Th.. this is just a normal human town. Nothing to hide.”

“A human town?”

“Yes.”

“Filled with goblins, pixies, harpies, orcs, dwarves,...” he looked around, “...centaurs, dryads, vampires (that one said with some disgust), gargoyles, bogeymen, kitsune, gnomes, trolls and a bloody Ichthyocentaur?”

“I do not know what you are talking about, fellow human.”

“You realise humans do not have feathers, claws, fangs or rocky or plant-like skin?”

“Yes.”

“And you expect me to believe you’re all humans?”

“What else would we be?”

“Of course. This is planet earth. A human world. Therefore, we are all human. There are no such things like the things you just said.”

“See Ghast, I told you.”

Ghast kept staring at the harpy but pointed towards Earl: “Quiet you.”

The harpy continued: “Please good sir, I must be on my way.”

She tried to leave.

“I demand to know what’s going on here.”

“Please sir, I don’t want any trouble.”

“There will be if you don’t answer me.”

The harpy quickly took to the sky, trying to fly off.

“Oh no you don’t.”

Ghast stretched out his arm and extended a red glow from it, trapping the harpy. All around the crowd gasped again.

“Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I always assumed humans couldn’t fly. What do you think earl?”

“I uuhh.. no we can’t.”

“Thought so.”

He lowered the harpy to eye level.

“Care to try again?”

He looked at his arm. Chauncey was crawling around on it. "Oh shut up Chauncey, now is not the time. No I don't intend to play nice."

The harpy and all the other inhabitants of the sewer town were sweating. One of the orcs went for a pipe on the ground. Funny how there’s always one. It’s like construction workers can’t clean up after themsElves and nobody else ever bothers. If nothing happened fast, there was going to be trouble. Of the magic versus skull bashing variety.

Luckily for both Ghast and the orc something did.

"Excuse me sir, but would you be so kind to let down that harpy?"

Everyone turned around to the voice. An Elf had arrived at the group. She was pretty much what you'd expect from an Elf. Pointy ears, of course and tall, slender and graceful with long dark hair that no matter what she did, could never be anything but perfect. She could sleep during an earthquake and upon waking up still wouldn't have to do more than perform an entirely useless check in the mirror. Earl noticed how a particle dust was falling down but appeared to shift its course in order to avoid her. While the other inhabitants of the sewer town wore the same type of clothes you'd expect to see at a comic book convention, she was dressed in a modern day business suit.

"And who might you be, Elf?"

"Oh let's not act like that. Seems unbecoming of a gentleman like you." She smiled. It was the most beautiful thing Earl had ever seen. Everything suddenly looked brighter, it was almost as if there was a sun shining through the ceiling. Ghast however squinted his eyes, somewhat annoyed. "My name is Aranel and I am the mayor of this town."

For the first time since awakening, he felt like he had found someone who knew the meaning of respect. Or at the very least wasn't a colossal twat. This could have been helped if he didn't have a ridiculously high standard of what was considered "not a twat". Plus it did better not to immediately offend leadership on the first meeting. There is always plenty of opportunity for that later.

"Very well then, mayor." Ghast released the harpy. The harpy looked at him and then at Aranel. She gave a comforting smile and nodded at the harpy, who then flew off into the embrace of her brethren. Ghast rolled his eyes at this.

"And your name is...?"

"Milady, my name is Lord Ghast." He nodded at his arm. "This here is Chauncey and that over there is the earl."

She looked around. Earl had a stupid grin on his face and waved awkwardly. "Do you got anything to drink?"

"Charmed. You must forgive my citizens lord Ghast, most of them haven't seen a human in a very long time." Her tone became curious, "Let alone one who can use magic."

"They claimed to be humans themselves."

Her look became incredulous. "Seriously people? I told you that would never work! Humans don't have feathers or claws or fangs or rocky skin!"

"Or plant skin," Earl added.

Ghast waved his hands in the air: "That's what I told them!"

She had already turned around and walked half the street away. Ghast followed her.

"Come earl."

Earl hadn't noticed quite as quickly and ran after them.

"Kinda rude, isn't she."

"Those are Elves for you earl, be glad she deigned to talk to us. Or that she's just an Elf. There are worse things."

"Like what?"

"Like The Fair Folk."

"I thought those are Elves?"
Ghast weighed his words: “It is somewhat complicated.”

“Please tell that earl that we are nothing like them.”

Ghast weighed his words again: “Well, that is not completely true.”

But Earl ignored him: “Actually, miss mayor, I’m not an earl, my name IS Earl.”

Ghast took a beat: “Wait, what?”

 

[Dentim]

And now for something completely different...

This short story was the result of my imagination going wild from some group chat silliness. We were talking about going to a VR game to shoot zombies, but nobody could until around the holiday season and one of us is expecting his first child then. We unanimously decided that, if you left the VR part out, that would be a workable movie pitch. Hence me starting to write this (the names have been changed, but the characters behave pretty much exactly as their real-life inspirations would. As verified by one of them ):

Spoiler Show

It was quiet in the city. Here and there some vermin crawled around in the rubble. As the sky grew more and more overcast, there was some distant rumbling. A storm was coming.
A man was waiting outside of a car.
“Hurry up babe, I wanna get out of here before sundown.”
A woman’s voice could be heard from the other side: “That’s hours away!”
“I know, but still though.”
The voice grew agitated: “I’ll tell you what: you try holding up pee for two and see how long you last.”
“Well…”
“Oh wait, I forgot. You can’t even hold it up for one, Raph.”
The man sighed. “Hey only when I’m drunk.”
She replied in a mocking tone: “I know, but still though.”
He took a hit off his vape and apologized: “I’m sorry babe.”
His wife came up from behind the broken piece of wall. “Ok, I’m ready. Not in front of the baby!”
Raph quickly put away his vape: “I know, I know.”

They drove past nothing but dilapidated buildings. Miraculously the road had remained mostly clear enough to drive on, aside from occasionally having to go onto the other lane. Every now and then there was a large pothole or debris, but never enough to block everything.
Luci was reading a magazine. “So how much food did you get?”
“I took enough out of that store to stuff the entire trunk. Should last us 2 weeks. Or 1 week and have a bitchin’ christmas.”
“Did you get ice cream?”
“Why would I get ice cream? We can’t keep that for long, we don’t have a fridge.”
“We don’t need one, it’s freezing anyway. Besides, I’m hungry.”
“I took some bags of chips.”
“Ok, there’s one problem though.”
“What’s that?”
“That’s not ice cream.”
Raph sighed. He knew it was better not to argue when his pregnant wife was hungry and was already looking around, trying to find a new store to liberate some ice cream from.
“How’s the dog?”
Luci looked back onto the backseat. A cocker spaniel was sleeping on it. They’d found her while wandering around. Or rather, she had found them: they had run into some trouble with a wild fox a couple of days ago, but her instincts kicked in and she had chased it away. After deeming her safe, they had decided to keep her around. She had made a home for herself in the blankets they kept on the backseat.
“She’s asleep.”
“Do you think maybe we should name her?”
“Baby first.”
“We can think of two names you know, people expecting twins do it all the time.”
“Are you really equating naming a dog to naming twins?”
“No, I’m equating naming a dog AND a baby to twins. It’s two names each.”
“It’s not, dog’s names have… lower standards.”
“Honey, that rule went out of the window the moment people started giving their kids names like Cristal with an i.”
She smiled. “Cristal with an i? Doesn’t sound too bad…”
“Yeah I’m going to veto that straight into oblivion. No way in hell is my kid getting that name.”
“I’m just kidding. Oh look, there’s a store!”
There was a large convenience store by the side of the road. Several of its glass doors had been smashed in.
“And look some of its lights are still on!. Maybe their refrigerators still work.”
“Well In that case I hope they haven’t been emptied already.”
He stopped the car and got out. He took a good look at the store and noticed that aside from the doors, several windows had been smashed in as well. He thought about this. Why would someone break the windows as well?
“I don’t trust this place. Get behind the wheel and be ready.”
“Oh honey, it’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, easy for you to say. You can’t fall victim to black guy dies first.”
“The dog’s black too, so really it’s only a 50/50 chance you’re the first to go.”
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Then again wait, would it work like that? On the one hand you’d think black fur would equate to black hair on a person. But on the other hand, are all dogs’ skins the same colour underneath?”
“What are you babbling on about?”
“You made me curious about dog race relations woman, if this keeps me up tonight I’m putting this on you.”
“Will you just get inside already?”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Raph opened the door to the backseat. There were a bunch of guns on the floor and he started rummaging through them. This sudden disturbance to the dog’s little haven woke it up.
“Aw yisss, my sweet baby.”
He took out a double barreled shotgun and some extra ammo.
“Those have a terrible range.”
“Yeah, but I like the splattery goodness.”
“You’ve never actually used a gun.”
“I meant in my games.”
Raph took out a handgun and gave it to Luci. “Here, just in case.”
He looked at the dog and whistled at her, she obediently came towards him: “You’re on guard duty. Keep her safe, alright?”
Raph entered the store through one of the broken doors.

At first sight, the place was deserted. At least as long as you didn’t count all the desiccated corpses lying around. Raph poked one with his gun, but being a corpse, it remained dead still.
He looked around and saw that not all the aisles had been completely emptied. That gave him some hope. “Alright, let’s look for that frozen section.”
He carefully moved through the aisles, trying his best not to make a sound. Who knows what could be hiding there.
“Hello, what do we have here?”
He looked upon a stand for baby seats. Apparently, they had been half off for a limited time, but said time limit has most likely been expanded indefinitely. The floor model was strangely illuminated compared to the boxed ones, but then again holes in the roof will have such an effect.
“Sweet, we still need one of those. And easy to carry too.”
He took the unpackaged floor model off of its stand and continued his quest for the ice cream.
“Oh you’re kidding me. Suuuuuuuuuuuure. Once vaping finally got accepted and regular stores start selling the stuff, THAT’s when the world decides to go to hell.”
He held the baby seat underneath the shelf and put his arm on the back of the shelf. In one swift move he pushed a bunch of the little bottles into the baby seat. The sound of the falling bottles masked the sound of something else falling in an aisle behind him.
“Easy peasy.”
He pushed onwards and found the frozen section in the next aisle over. They were still mostly filled with food, it appeared former looters had left this section alone. He opened one of the fridges. “Still cold, noice. Ice cream here I come.”
When he found the frozen delight, he quickly looked for Luci’s favorite and took it out.
“Here we goooo...” He was now staring into a man’s decayed but frozen face.
“Did not expect that. Did not expect that at all.”
What he expected even less were the eyes suddenly opening.
“Good day to you too, good sir. Sorry to bother you, here I’ll fix that for you.”
He put another jar of ice cream back in front of the face. It let out a slow, guttural scream.
“Aaaand that’s my sign to get the diddly out of here.”
He turned around, only to see another man still a ways off trying to sneak up on him. He seemed unbothered by the fact that he was missing, amongst other things: a right arm, large chunks of flesh and possibly several ribs.
Raph sighed. “I guess we gotta do this the hard way then.”
He fired his shotgun and blew a rather large hole in the man's chest. This still did not bother him much and he continued on, even steadily increasing speed.
“Shit.”
Raph turned the other way and made a run for it.
All over the place, decayed appendages started jutting out from aisles and shelves, trying to grab for him. More and more moaning and screams started coming.
“Why? Why are they smart enough to wait until I’m too far in? Why couldn’t they be stupid kind!”
When he reached the register he got face to face with a zombie 2 heads taller than him. This one had obviously been a body builder in his former life, making him perfectly built for blocking paths. Its flesh had decayed in such a weird fashion that it looked like he was perpetually smiling. Combined with the milky white eyes, it was incredibly unsettling.
“Of course.” Raph fired the shotgun again, blowing away most of the zombuilder’s shoulder. Its arm still stayed uselessly attached by a thin thread.
“Ok... how about this then!” He tried hitting the zombie in the head with the shotgun, but it grabbed the gun and easily yanked it out of his hand. “Braaaiiinns…”
“Ok; listen man, take it from me, I know about this shit: you are never going to be respected if you keep up the stereotype like that.”
There was a loud barking coming from outside. Raph tried looking past the zombuilder, but it’s wide frame made it impossible. “Luci?!”
There was no answer but more barking.
“Ok, time for you to get outta my way, BITCH.”
With all his strength, Raph swung the fully loaded baby seat against the side of the zombuilder’s head and sent it falling into the cash register’s booth. Some of the bottles fell out of the seat. “Now look what you did!”
The zombuilder however was barely dazed and started getting up again.
Raph ran out of the store.
“Luci!?”
She was standing next to the car, with the gun in hand. “What’s wrong? The dog kept barking at the store.”
They were fine. The dog must’ve been alerted to the zombies inside, but they were otherwise fine. “Get in and start the car honey!”
“Are there...”
“START THE CAR!”
He threw the baby seat onto the back seat and tried to get the dog in there as well.
BANG.
He looked back. The zombuilder had gotten up and followed him outside, but was now lying on the ground. Luci had kneecapped him, but he continued crawling towards them.
“There are more inside, let’s go before they get out too.”
Luci ran to the passenger’s seat.
“Really? You serious?”
“What, they can’t follow us in a car. I want that ice cream.”
Raph sighed and got behind the wheel. He floored it.
“Did you seriously lug a baby seat with you?”
“What, we need it. Besides, it was half off, I couldn’t let that bargain go.”
He laughed at his own joke. “It’s a real lifesaver, I’ll tell you that!”
“Is that vape liquid? Really?”
“Hey, you get your ice cream, I get my vape on.”