Fanfiction ► Death's Sorrow: The Exodus Of Jailtin Reeve

[Thor.]

All right this is one of the sotries of the character I use in Rps Jailtin Reeve

Please tell me what you think, and don't hold back or even be polite if you don't wnat to just try to give me some perspective on my writing.


Chapter 1
Rain


Jailtin walked down the rainy streets alone, the people rushing for cover stared at him as he undauntedly pressed forward in the rain. Jailtin was almost not aware of the rain beating down on his back. He was too preoccupied to worry about it. Sinara. . .Eselia. . .Stavros, the names were running through his head over and over again. What had happened to them? Jailtin looked down at his tux, it was completely soaked. He shook his head and walked into a bar on the side of the street.

The bar was warm and smelled like stale ciggarette smoke, Jailtin walked over to the bar and sat at one of the stools. The bartender came over and asked him what hje wanted. She had silver hair, thoughts of Eselia rushed into his head, he shook himself. He couldn't let thoughts of old friends distract him. There was something wrong in this city. Very wrong.

"I don't drink" He finally replied, he had a hard enough time breaking the habit the first time, and now was not the time to renew old vices. The bartender rolled her eyes and walked away. Back to the paying customers. She was a lot like Eselia, short silver hair attidtude, flirtatious way of walking. If he didn't know better he would of sworn it was her. He shook his head and looked out the door into the flooding streets. There wasn't anyone out there anymore. Except for the homeless and the criminals neither daring to step inside for soem reason. There must be some kind of regulations that kept them from coming in without buying something.

Three men in tuxes walked into the bar. The silence in the room indicated that they were not only trouble but undoubtedly looking for it as well. The patrons stared like wounded puppies at the men who entered. The one leading the group looked to be no more than eighteen. Their attitude was unmistakable.

"What're you all dressed up for?" the young man leading the group said
Jailtin ignored them and turned back to the bar, maybe I could use a drink after all. He reached under the counter and grabbed a bottle. It didn't really matter much to him what was in it.

"Hey." the young man said putting a hand forcefully on Jailtin's shoulder. Jailtin smacked the hand away.

"So that's how it gonna be huh?" the young man began to walk away then picked up a bottle and threw it at Jailtin. The patrons watched stunned as the bottle sailed toward Jailtin. Jailtin leaned his head to the left and the bottle passed his right cheek.

The young man gestured at the two older men behind him and they came at Jailtin. Jailtin stood up and reached his hand out to his side. A scythe appeared in his hand, the blade was a pitch black that seemed to absorb light from the room, while the pure white engraved handle seemed to glow with a light all its own.

"Turn away now" Jailtin said then raised his head, his pupils had grpwn the size of quarters the black eveloping the gray irises.

"This is your last chance. . LEAVE!" The two men went flying backwards and crashed into the tables in the back of the room. Jailtin ran up to the young man and held the edhge of his scythe to the young man's throught.

"You should have run when you had the chance" he picked the man up and threw him through the window. The two bigger men ran out the front door.

Jailtin shook his head and left a bag of gold coins on the bar, he didn't know what the currency here was but it would do.

"Forgive me for the mess."


(out of time, will post more soon)

 

[snowdog]

Ok then.

First off, the storyline and style is nice. You have a good balance going between dialogue and description.

There's only one minor criticism. Type the chapters out into a word processing program (Microsoft Word, Works etc) before you post them. There are some spelling mistakes and typo's in there to deal with.

Other than that, you have a good start going. Just remember to keep spaces between paragraphs and proofread your work.

Hope that helped.

<3

 

[Thor.]

Yeah I appreciate any kind of help I can get.

EDIT: Fixed it

 

[Stavvy]

...mostly fixed it, I saw that "edge" was spelled wrong..."edhge"...but whatever...lol...

I like it, of course I like most, if not all, of the stuff you write(... the crap on my comp ) But yeah, you have a natural flow with everything you write, unlike me...

 

[snowdog]

Better. Good job, Sora Shade. ^-^

<3

 

[Stavvy]

I know why he has the typo's...

See he can only type them at school on the school's computers, using the limited time that he has he doesn't have the time to type it in M$:Word and copy/paste it onto this site.

Might I suggest putting the chapters on a flopy disc or a CD and writing them at home...

 

[snowdog]

I know why he has the typo's...

See he can only type them at school on the school's computers, using the limited time that he has he doesn't have the time to type it in M$:Word and copy/paste it onto this site.

Might I suggest putting the chapters on a flopy disc or a CD and writing them at home...

Ah, that would explain it. ^-^

Or he could write it at school, take it home on a disc and paste it into Word for a spellcheck.

It's good that he picks up on comments like this though. Others just say "Ok", then continue to post with bad grammar. But he made an effort. I repped him for it. ^-^

<3

 

[Stavvy]

Aww how nice of you . Atleast he get's posts on his FF's...hopefully if I keep writing mine and don't stop someone will get tired of looking at it and finally read it and post on it...makes little sence I know...

 

[snowdog]

Lol, thanks.

You want me to read it? I know how that feels, it sucks... People here are lazy when it comes to fics. They can read the entire thing, but never post.

<3

 

[Stavvy]

Thanks, I always post when I read a fic, because I also know how it feels...which sucks!

 

[snowdog]

Heh, I posted. Go look ^-^

<3

 

[Stavvy]

Thanks, and I did look, by the way, I added chapter two: An Old Friend. (Not trying to take your thread away SS.)

 

[snowdog]

Yeah, sorry Sora Shade ^^;

Anyway Stavros, I liked your fic, so I'll check into it and post, 'kay? Same goes for you, Sora Shade.

<3

 

[Ty Leonheart]

Sorashade the fanfic is awesome so far, but I didn't expect anything less.

 

[R0ad H0g]

The fanfic was good and had a lot of attention to detail. I hope to read more of it soon.

 

[Thor.]

Thanks for the help and/or compliments.


Chapter 2: Blood

Jailtin shook his head as he walked down the rainy streets. he had always seemed to be a magnet for trouble. It didn't matter though, the rain had let up quite a bit. The poor and the criminals all still sat where they were, it was symbolic of the sad state of this world that they had not even tried to find refuge from the rain. But maybe that was just him, Jailtin wasn't used to life in a city.

He heard footsteps coming from behind him. As he turned he saw the girl who reminded him of Eselia. The Bartender. She ran up to him, she had a strange look on her face, but then she just had seen waht he did to those men. It was probably not something they saw every day.

"How did you do that?" She asked him with wonder, she seemed to be admiring him now, she must have seen bar fights before.

"It's all in the blood" She looked at him quizzically, Jailtin stopped walking and turned to look at her "You seem like a nice enough girl. . you don't want to get involved."

"You really don't know what you just did do you?" she looked at him with a small smirk, Jailtin raised his eyebrows "You just assaulted Jerin Marole" Jailtin shrugged "The son of the world's biggest crime boss?"

Jailtin was now interested, the sooner he fixed the problem with this world the sooner he could leave. "Crime boss?"

"Giovanni Marole" she looked at him in disbelief "He practically owns the criminal underworld."

"Do you know where I could find Him?" Jailtin asked finally.

If she looked surprised before she was stunned now, "You’re actually going to go looking for Giovanni? You just embarrassed his son at his favorite bar. . . do you think he's going to offer you a job do you? Because contrary to popular belief Jerin's whims count for a lot with Giovanni."

"You sure seem to know a lot about this." He reevaluated her, as he has had to do form time to time, she could be just the type that would be working with a crime lord. Attractive, fit, had a job in the Boss's bar.

She looked slightly embarassed. "Well you learn a lot working at a bar, besides everyone know Giovannir runs this town. How come you didn't?"

"That would be a personal question" he looked at her. .she was beautifull. "And I'm afraid I'm not going to be a round long enough for it to matter."

"Oh" She looked upset now, there was no way she had already become emotionally attached to him. he couldn't afford that. Not only did he not want to hurt her but if he got close to anyone he would end up hurting himself.

"I'm sorry. . .it's in my blood" Jailtin began to walk away Running from my problems again. . .

"Wait!" The Bartender ran back up to him she looked desperate "I. . .I can take you to Giovanni."

"No. . I never should have tried to get you involved. . .Sorry about your bar" Jailtin truly was sorry he would have given anything for the chance to get to know her. To have what is as close as he could get to a normal life. But he had tried that once. I shouldn't have involbed you either Sinara

"At least let me give you a contact. . . he can get you the infromation you need.. ." She looked like she was about to cry.

"Fine" Jailtin finally responded. The Bartender hurriedly wrote something down on a piece of paper. "I'm sorry for the trouble"

"We never even met" the Bartender laughed and stuck out her hand "I'm Eselia, Bartender extrordinare"

(sorry it's short I'm kinda brain dead)

 

[snowdog]

Nice chapter. There are a couple of grammar-related mistakes, but I'll let 'em slide. ^-^ Keep writing!

<3

 

[Stavvy]

OMG...I...wow...gah making my head hurt....are we even allowed on this site on the school's comps?

Awesome chapter (No complaints here....except I want more...as always....) 9.75/10
(I won't do what's expected of me!)

 

[Thor.]

Thanks Again I appreciate the input.



Chapter 3: Shock

"What?" Jailtin asked, this time he was the one who looked shocked.

"You knew I was bartender right?" the Bartender looked confused now too. She couldn't be Eselia, there was no way. Though she did look a lot like Eselia and it wasn't a common name.

"What did you say your name was?" Jailtin looked at the bartender. . .Eselia, she was so much like her. It was amazing, He didn;t really understand and she obviously didn't recognize him but. . . . .

"Eselia. . ..have we met? You look so. . . .familiar." Eselia had an odd look on her face.

". . . . No" Jailtin decided that if she didn't remember him then it was for the better. He wouldn't have to deal with losing her like he did the first time. And Sinara, WHY!?! Why didn't I just tell her to stay out of my lif . . .. Sinara. . ..
"No your name just sounded familiar" He gave her one last sad look and walked away.

"You never told be your name." Eselia said she was still walking with him, not ot be deterred. Like she had nothing better to do.

"Jailtin. . . ." Jailtin turned around "Now get out of here! I don't need you to slow me down!" Eselia had a surprised, almost hurt, look on her face. Confused by his sudden anger toward her. She turned and began to run. It was better this way yet no matter how many time I tell myself that I'll still regret it. . .

Jailtin looked at the peice of paper. It was a business card, He read it.

Dallon Oaks
Private Eye
3212 Xavier Ave.
Top Room of F.A.T.E.

Jaitin figured that this man must have the answers he was looking for. The answer about Giovanni anyway. What could she possibly be doing here, why doesn;t she remember me? The endless questions raised by the meeting ran through his head. He walked silently, in thoguht his eyes cast down on the ground. He watched as the last few drops of rain hit the puddles left from the earlier downpour. This city was bad enough but now he saw someone from his past, someone he was sure he had lost forever.

FATE was another bar, he had bad luck with bars. he always had there would always be some drunk fool trying to start a fight with him. It may have been his fault for standing out, but no matter who gets the blame Jailtin always has to go into hiding after a visit to a bar.

There were no bartenders just several scantily clad waitresses with axcess to the drinks. She walked up to the bar anyway. One of the Waitresses was at the bar getting drinks ready. "I'm looking for this man" he slid the business card across the counter. "Where can I find him."

The waitress smiled, there was something eh didn't trust about the smile. It seemed too fake even for a waitress who had to deal with drunken men every hour all day. "I'll go get him... . .why don't you have a drink" Jailtin accepted it, if she had done anything to it she would be suspicious if he didn't take it. He reached into his pocket and she said. "On the house"

Jailtin looked at his drink, it was an odd color, He hadn't seen a drinlk like this before, it was blue and smelled fruity.

"I took the liberty of ordering you a Fruit Lattin" Jailtin looked at the man, was he Dallon Oaks "You don't drink correct?" The man was no private eye, he was also wearing a tux. Maybe it was some kind of crime thing, all of them wearing tuxes.

"Who are you" Jailtin was ready to fight if he had to, this man was older than the young men he had trouble with.

"Oh, don't worry. Giovanni's interests are not my interests" The man wore a comfortable smile, as if he knew that life was going his way and would always continue to do so. However the viasable scars, wrinkle and graying hair suggested he lived a hard life. "And if your interests involve staying alive you won't go to that room." Jailtin readied himslef for a conflict. The man laughed.
"You misunderstand, that wasn't a threat, i was just telling you that they plan to kill you, theres enoguh explosives up there to blow up half a city block" Jailtin was mad now, Eselia set him up! MAybe she did remember him "and all for you. I don't know what you did but I've taken an interest in you." He stuck out his hand, Jailtin took the man began to speak again. "Call me-" the waitress was back at his side now she must have been with him. "Well call me The Shadow for now. I'm a. . .competitor with Giovanni. He just about ran me out of business and I think it's in both of our best interests if we come to an agreement" Jailtin removed his hand.

"What kind of agreement?" Jailtin asked he was suspiciously eyeing the waitress, she didn;t appear to be armed but. . .

"You'll se when you coem to the docks. . tonight" He handed Jailtin a key card "Come bakc here and find this little beauty" he indicated the waitress "and without saying anything hand her this card she'll do the rest."

"What-" Jailtin began but was cut off

"We'll talk tonight,until then stay in health" He walked to the front door. "Goodbye Mr. Reeve."

 

[R0ad H0g]

A couple of typos, but a 9.5/10