Dark Paths of Life

[Gizelita]

I had the idea to write this story yesterday, but I'm not sure if I should continue or not.
Introduction
She was confused and scared, feeling the taste of blood on her mouth. Once again she had left herself be controlled by that inexplicable power that would lead her to a murder after the other. Her hands were wet with blood just like her clothes. The dead body in front of her, with it’s head spared from the rest was the proof of the crime she had just committed. Yoru would never be free; she would never have a normal life. Soon the police would come, and try again to arrest her; she didn’t want a conflict with those people again, running through the dark streets she wished to find peace. The cold drops of the rain felt like stones on her skin, tears rolled down her face quietly.
Overcome by fatigue she stops at a dark and dirty alley where no human being could be seen. Sitting on a corner Yoru cries like she never did before. When she looked at her side, there he was, that young man that looked to be about 25, staring at her with an evil look, a smile on his face, blond hair coming until his shoulders, light blue eyes, Aaron, why was he always following her? She didn’t know, all she knew was that he was the one that made her commit those crimes.
“What did you make me do?!!!” she shouted desperately trying to understand why life had to be so cruel. No answer was heard from that enigmatic man, all he did was continue staring at her and laugh, laugh of her suffering.
“Why? Why did this have to happen?” Yoru continued crying trying to make her thoughts harmonious, trying to understand what was going on. She couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t think straight, couldn’t use reason. Suddenly that idea came to her mind, yes, it would be the perfect way to free her from that situation forever, that surely was the answer. She grabbed the dagger that was always on her belt and stuck that shiny blade a bit above her stomach, closing her eyes she left her body fall over the cold ground, slowly the pain disappeared, all the sounds, everything around her faded together with her consciousness, all she wanted, to disappear from that world forever.

 

[king_mickey rule]

I really like your story thusfar altough I can't imagine the continue of this story. If you have the continue already in your mind and it's as good and mysterious then you have yourself one hell of a story going on ;D.

I really like how you describe the situations, places and feelings. It's also quite dark and mysterious. One question though (and maybe suggestions):
Is this at the end, in the middle or the beginning of the story?

If it's at the end or in the middle you should do it like this (in my opinion). Start your story with this and then you go back in time and the actual beginning of the story to make it more tense.

I assume everything is calm at the beginning of the story so this way it should contrast with this part which is very dark and mysterious, cause we (the readers) don't really know what's happening.
Also I would describe the main-character a bit more like you did with Aaron.

If I were you I should continue with the story cause it's really interesting, good job! n.n

 

[Gizelita]

Thanks for the comment, and answering your question, no that is in the middle of the story, I tryed to tell a bit about the past in this first chapter, what means it isn't so heavy, and leave the conclusion of the introduction for the next chapter.
Chapter 1
That familiar place looked like a little farm, on the front door stood a girl about 10 years old showing a jewelry to her mother with a smile. Her mother looked at her serious, asked where she took that from, the girl looked down and said that "found" it on her way home. More serious now, the middle aged woman asked her to take that to the police, so that they could find it’s real owner. Sad the girl turned around and started walking through that street that would take her back, but in her thoughts she didn’t want to do what she was ordered, she didn’t want to have that life anymore, her father worked without rest and couldn’t get enough money to buy food for her and her three brothers, her mother worked as well but just half of the day so that she could have time to take care of her children. No that girl wanted a better life, a life where they would live well, without sacrifice, but her family didn’t approve that she had to steal to get that.

The years passed, the mother was always advising her daughter to stay on the line, not to do anything wrong, but she wouldn’t listen, at the beginning she did little robberies and sold what she stole to get money, then she began to work to some groups of drug dealers sealing their illegal products and getting the payment, she never listened to anybody who wanted to help her, all she wanted she would get, and it was that thought that led her to her doom.

In a rainy day her mother waited nervous at the door, it had been already two days since her younger daughter had left and she hadn’t seen her since them, she was worried, what if the girl got in trouble? Maybe she was arrested? No, she couldn’t believe in that. Finally she saw something that made her eyes sparkle with emotion and relief, her daughter came walking slowly, cloths completely wet, head down, long dark brown hair on a ponytail left over her left shoulder and something on her hands. Her mother ran to hug her with happiness, without a word she went in, left the object she held over the little table of the kitchen and went to her room. The caring mother went after her, asking if she wished something, the girl lifted her head and looked at her mother with her cold red eyes, without answering she shut the door and stayed all the night in that room.

The girl’s mother took that strange thing she left over the table wrapped in white cloth, once she opened her surprise couldn’t be worse, it was a dagger stained with blood. She ran upstairs, calling her daughter, asking an explanation. With an emotionless voice the girl answered that someone paid her to kill a person, to commit a murder. Shouting her mother sent her out of home, said that she could never come back, she wasn’t her beloved daughter anymore, she was a monster.
On the next night the house was burned down, all the habitants of that simple and poor house were killed. From that day on, the series of murderers began with no stop.


"So how is she?" a young woman said opening the door of the hospital "She is fine doctor Ane, she should wake up soon." One of the nurses went downstairs to greet the doctor, they both were worried about a girl about 16 that the night guard had found in an alley not far from there, she had a dagger stuck on her chest, but it wasn’t a grave wound, what worried them was that the girl could’ve died from loss of blood, what for their relief didn’t happen. It had been two days since she was asleep at the hospital and the doctor waited anxiously for her awakening.

 

[king_mickey rule]

Thanks for the comment, and answering your question, no that is in the middle of the story, I tryed to tell a bit about the past in this first chapter, what means it isn't so heavy, and leave the conclusion of the introduction for the next chapter.
Chapter 1
That familiar place looked like a little farm, on the front door stood a girl about 10 years old showing a piece of jewelry to her mother with a smile. Her mother looked at her serious, asked where she took that from, the girl looked down and said that she "found" it on her way home. More serious now, the middle aged woman asked her to take it to the police, so that they could find it’s real owner. Sad the girl turned around and started walking through the street that would take her back, but in her thoughts she didn’t want to do what she was ordered, she didn’t want to have that life anymore, her father worked without rest and couldn’t get enough money to buy food for her and her three brothers, her mother worked as well but just half of the day so that she could have time to take care of her children. No she wanted a better life, a life where they would live well, without sacrifice, but her family didn’t approve that she had to steal to get that.

The years passed, the mother was always advising her daughter to stay on the line, not to do anything wrong, but she wouldn’t listen, at the beginning she did little robberies and sold what she stole to get money, then she began to work to some groups of drug dealers sealing their illegal products and getting the payment, she never listened to anybody who wanted to help her, all she wanted she would get, and it was that thought that led her to her doom.

In a rainy day her mother waited nervous at the door, it had been already two days since her younger daughter had left and she hadn’t seen her since then, she was worried, what if the girl got in trouble? Maybe she was arrested? No, she couldn’t believe in that. Finally she saw something that made her eyes sparkle with emotion and relief, her daughter came walking slowly, cloths completely wet, head down, long dark brown hair on a ponytail left over her left shoulder and something on her hands. Her mother ran to hug her with happiness, without a word she went in, left the object she held over the little table of the kitchen and went to her room. The caring mother went after her, asking if she wished something, the girl lifted her head and looked at her mother with her cold red eyes, without answering she shut the door and stayed all the night in that room.

The girl’s mother took that strange thing she left over the table wrapped in white cloth, once she opened her surprise couldn’t be worse, it was a dagger stained with blood. She ran upstairs, calling her daughter, asking an explanation. With an emotionless voice the girl answered that someone paid her to kill a person, to commit a murder. Shouting her mother sent her out of home, said that she could never come back, she wasn’t her beloved daughter anymore, she was a monster.
On the next night the house was burned down, all the habitants of that simple and poor house were killed. From that day on, the series of murderers began with no stop.


"So how is she?" a young woman said opening the door of the hospital "She is fine doctor Ane, she should wake up soon." One of the nurses went downstairs to greet the doctor, they both were worried about a girl about 16 that the night guard had found in an alley not far from there, she had a dagger stuck on her chest, but it wasn’t a grave wound, what worried them was that the girl could’ve died from loss of blood, what for their relief didn’t happen. It had been two days since she was asleep at the hospital and the doctor waited anxiously for her awakening.

I bolded some parts which I corrected. Also I would firstly want to say congratulations on the story n.n.

Secondly I want to ask when you said 'sealing their illegal products', is it possible that you meant selling instead of sealing? Also try to use less comma's and well, end your sentences more.

Altough these points I really congratulate you with your story, good job!

 

[Gizelita]

Thanks for correcting me. I didn't read what I wrote (everyone says that's my problem), and yes, I meant selling, I must have forgotten a word and my stupid computer corrected it wrong. x.x I'm going to read through next time.

 

[Gizelita]

Dark Paths of Life - Chap. 2

Dark Paths of Life – Chapter 2
Yoru ran through the darkness of her own mind. Being chased by shadows, the shadows of her regrets. Everything looked like a dream, but the sensations were too real.

"I was supposed to be dead!" she shouted running through that never ending place, the shadows approached, shouting in pain. Terrorized Yoru recognized in them the faces of each one of her victims, she was tired of running, tired of suffering, tired of living. She stopped and left her body fall over the strange ground, she closed her eyes while silent tears felt, her feelings were more intense than in any moment of her life, she seemed to be remembering everything that happened to her since she left home. And that only brought more pain.

"Stop living in your regrets Yoru. Start a new life, the life you always wished for. The one that you deserve" Aaron was there, standing right in front of her looking with his deep blue eyes staring at the girl.

"Why Aaron? Why do I need to live? This life is just endless suffering, that's not what I wanted." Yoru cried to Aaron, he now looked at her with compassion, but he was the same man that made her commit those terrible crimes. The one that led her to her doom.

"Just trust me, you'll see this will end faster than you think. You'll find a world full of pleasure and happiness." Aaron gave his hand to her while she grabbed it desperate, at that time everything started to fade, the darkness, the shadows, her fears. Everything just disappeared while Yoru feel in a restless sleep. One that she wanted never to get up.

The hours passed away slowly in that white hospital room, nothing changed in that girl's condition. No one believed anymore she would actually wake up, but that wasn't the truth. Without any warning she opened her eyes and sat down on the bed breathing heavily. She looked around with an emotionless expression on her face, her short dark brown messy hair covered her right eye. The white clothes made her look a bit different than usual.

"It was already time for you to wake up Yoru." Aaron said getting up from the chair he was sitting for all that time and walking near her bed.

"I wanted to die Aaron, to leave this world." Yoru said nervously while the man put his hand over her shoulder. Not even death was granted to me, this is my punishment for following the wrong path. Her thoughts wouldn't leave her in peace nor would her conscience.

Yoru stayed quiet for a long time, in some minutes the door opened and a young doctor about 20 years old came in. She had blond hair tied in a ponytail, green eyes and a relaxed expression. She looked at Yoru with a smile, she found her cold red eyes strange specially when she was staring at her like that.

"Hello, I'm Anne your doctor. How are you feeling?" she said tried to give the girl a feeling of confidence. But she stayed without answer, that girl was too mysterious, no one knew where she came from or who she was. No documents or photographs were found with her, nothing that could tell her identity.

"What's the problem?" she asked sitting closer to Yoru.

"Where am I?" Yoru finally spoke, but she wasn't looking at the doctor, she had turned to the window next to her. Observing the gardens of the front entrance to the hospital, she was at the 1st floor what made it easy to see things outside.

"You are at the hospital, where did you think you would be after what happened yesterday?"
"Damn it. We have to get out of here before the police get us." Yoru said to Aaron opening the window and jumping to the ground below. The pale light of the clouded sky made everything look covered in sadness, just like Yoru's heart. No one could be seen in that cold morning, that made Yoru remember the day when she committed a murder for the first time.

The doctor went after her patient, how could a girl that was just recovering from an injure do something like that? And going out with just the hospital outfit and no shoes or coat wasn't such a good idea.

"Stop following me." Yoru said turning to Anne and stopping for a minute. The freezing wind didn't hurt her at all, she had gotten used to those situations since she started wondering around cities and villages with no place to live. It had been a long time since she actually cared about any injure or illness, she was used to stay with injures for days or even weeks without proper medication. And cold weather shouldn't be a problem for her.

"Why? You're my patient I'm bringing you back." Anne grabbed Yoru's shoulder attempting to pull her to the hospital again. Aaron looked at them with his blue eyes glowing.

"I should lend Yoru a hand before she loses control of the situation." He said to himself smiling and approaching Yoru, he stayed behind her, put his hand over her head and closed his eyes trying to maintain a connection between their minds.

"Please Aaron not now." Yoru whispered putting her hands over her head falling to her knees trying to resist. The doctor stared at her impressed not knowing what to do. Suddenly she got up, her red eyes were glowing with rage. That strange expression was completely different from the girl she just saw. Anne couldn't see Aaron, she didn't know what was happening or how to react to it. She grabbed Anne's neck pressing it, observing with pleasure the doctor's agony.

But she wasn't able to kill her, a shot almost hit her arm making Yoru let go. She looked to her side and saw a group of six guards pointing guns at her, that wasn't a good opportunity to fight. Without looking behind, Yoru ran towards the building, broke one of thw windows that leaded to rooms like the one she was in.

Anne and the guards went in the hospital looking for Yoru, she couldn't be far, but what really worried her were the patients, with someone like that girl wondering around they all were in danger.
The broken glass scattered over the floor, the old woman sitting over the bed looked at Yoru scared. A calm young nurse helped the woman get up and asked her kindly to go outside and look for help.
"Looks like my first victim of the day just surrendered herself." Yoru said putting her hand on her waist looking for her dagger.

"Why did they have to take it?" she said in anger while the nurse just stood there waiting.
"No one said I couldn't use this." With interest Yoru grabbed a scalpel from the little metal table near her, which would come in handy at that moment. When the nurse turned around to go out of the room and see why help was taking so much time to come. Yoru grabbed her arm. Without any feelings she cut the woman's hand hearing her shouts of pain with pleasure. While she begged for mercy Yoru cut all her body looking at it bleeding, she continued doing that until the woman felt on the ground without strength to resist anymore. The girl looked at that strange scene, a woman with some part of her body separated, others completely covered in blood, in some of them it was even possible to see her bones. That was the type of scene Aaron liked. She kneed near the body and passed her hands over it feeling the warm blood on her skin. With a fast movement she took the scalpel out of the nurse's forehead and brought it near her face. She licked it feeling that taste that any other person would feel disgusting.

"There she is!" the voice of one of the guards sounded through the corridor, making Yoru get up and search for an exit.

"Put your hands over your head. And stay put." One of them said going in the room together with the others pointing guns at her. She looked at them smiling, without letting them know she hid the scalpel in her sleeve and lifted her hand.

Anne went in and looked horrified at the scene, the patient she was so interested in was in reality a murderer.

The six guards approached her pointing their guns, she stayed calm waiting for them to be close enough. When that happened… She stuck the scalpel in the arm of the guard near to her. Using that as a distraction she opened the window and prepared to climb down.

Anne ran trying to get near to the girl, but one of the guards stopped her. He pointed his gun at Yoru ready to shoot. She was nervous, as a doctor she couldn't let anyone be killed again. When she saw the man shoting she pushed him to the side making him miss the shot and hit Yoru's arm instead of head. With the surprise she felt to the ground. All the guards went to the window to see what happened, for their surprise she was up and running to the exit of the city. Anne wouldn't leave the girl get away. She went down the stairs and followed her, leaving the others behind.

Yoru again committed a murder and left unpunished.
--------------------------------------------------
I said I would put it this week,and here I go, at least the week haven't finished yet.

 

[Gizelita]

Dark Paths of Life - Chap. 3

"They say that incident that happened in the city two years ago with the nurse and the doctor was her fault." a middle aged woman with white long dress and some jewels on her neck and wrists commented to her friend next to her in the wide square. In the rainy afternoon almost the entire population was reunited to see that young girl about 16 or 17. Rumors about her ran through that place for years, she was said to have committed uncountable crimes, especially murders. Nobody knew what was true and what was false, all they knew was that she wasn't a normal person.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby present you the famous murderer Yoru Nomaksu, said to be the author of uncountable deaths, including those of her own family. After years of search we finally were able to catch her. Today in this public ceremony her fate will be decided, please sit and watch. I'm sure you'll enjoy the show." a young man spoke to the people watching. Yoru had never been so nervous in her entire life, keeping her head down she remembered that crime committed two years ago, when that doctor tried to help her.

"Please! Have mercy! I am sure I'll find a way to bring you back. YORU!!!" Ane's last words before receiving a shot in her forehead by the girl. Her wide open eyes looked at Yoru surprised, the tears fell from her eyes while she left her body dye on the cold floor, blood flowed from her dead body staining the floor, Yoru looked emotionless like watching to a normal scene.

She could remember that and many other murders she had committed just like that, in cold blood without mercy. Maybe that was her fate, being killed in a public ceremony ashamed of herself.

"Hey Yoru, what's wrong? Aren't you going to do something?" Aaron's familiar voice sounded on her ear, while tears silently felt from her cold red eyes Yoru tried not to pay attention to him. In all those years he was the one who had always been by her side leading her to more and more debts. Finally Yoru decided to open her eyes and look at the situaition that act of hers seemed to bring more rage to the crowd above, screams with insults and accusations could be heard coming from all of them, sticks, eggs and sometimes fruits were thrown by the villagers trying to hit the criminal while she just watched with sad eyes.

Suddenly something called her attention, who was that person whose light blue eyes could be seem under his robe? He knew him from somewhere but couldn't remember, he couldn't be one of her victims, no, it was somebody especial. She had to know, but in that situation it was impossible. The boy that should be around her age looked at her with eyes that only showed sorrow. After spending a long time like that he turned around and went away disappearing in that ocean of people.

"Who was he?" Yoru asked herself while Aaron looked at her intrigued, wondering why such a cold girl would be interested in him.

"So, she really is here. I shall give her a proper welcoming."



This is just a short chapter, doesn't have much importance at the moment but I thought it should be here. I don't know why bother writing here, no one will read anyway, I should just give up. But I'll continue till chap. 5 at least.

 

[king_mickey rule]

Just read the last two chapters and I think they're awesome (especially the last one which is very mysterious at the end). All I can say is check your stories for some spelling faults (sometimes you forget a letter or put a letter too much f.e. 'especial'). I look forward to the next chapters, keep up the good work!

 

[Gizelita]

Sometimes it's my PC's fault, others it's my lack of attention. In portuguese some words are quite similar to english, so it, usually not always, corrects, that's what happens with some of the words. But most of times it's me, who never reads the text again and just pastes it on DA. Thanks for the criticism.

 

[king_mickey rule]

Sometimes it's my PC's fault, others it's my lack of attention. In portuguese some words are quite similar to english, so it, usually not always, corrects, that's what happens with some of the words. But most of times it's me, who never reads the text again and just pastes it on DA. Thanks for the criticism.

It's ok though, not really a big problem, just something you should pay attention to .
That doesn't change the nice story you have going on 'cause I really think it's a really nice (sometimes gruesome) story. Really original and I like that you don't really get what's going on, this strange atmosphere is just exciting n.n.

Again, nice job!