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Taokitty

A Chagrined Fool.
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I suppose I'm here to mostly rant and try to analyze my feelings. Input would be intriguing though.

It's odd when you get a crush; a crush you may actually willing to work on [with two polar forces trying to tug you the other way and two mentors who mean the best for you, however, have opposite views]. You blush when you see them, stare at them a lot, and freeze up the moment they are right beside you in the hall for a reason you should know, but you don't [hormones, I suppose].

You are never sure if you read too much into something; the guy actually talks to you once after you pass his fallen glasses to him and he gives you large smiles in the conversation [and when you present anything in the front of the class] very gleefully and you want to continue talking, however, the conversation ends.

And you're back at Square 1 again.

Staring, blushing [but that starts to fade] rinse and repeat.

I find it odd. I never considered acting on a crush before because I knew it was out of physical attraction [as is this one]. It was only because my Brother-in-Law mentioned it to my sister that I should date for it would be good experience for me.

I suppose another factor for wanting to act on this one is that the fact he's from another country reminds me of a previous friend I had [whom I only got to have for three months] who I'd walk home [though it was 2 km away from school, and I'd take the bus home afterwards] and enjoyed talking to for her talkative self, and I'd listen. Listen, and feel for her problems. I'd get angry at her strict homes day parents and though I don't truly realize it, I think I miss that friendship.

Another factor is that he still doesn't fit in exactly. There's something about him that reminds me of myself from a few years ago, who just wanted someone to try and talk to me and to persist and suceed and to just be some what cared about. That's why I wanted to develop a more talkative personality; to help people like me. Maternal instincts [gained -though faded- from having a baby brother and newphew] also help with that.

However, is it empathy or sympathy? I don't want to try if it is out of sympathy; that is cruel and I'd never be able to connect with him then [now that I recall, our first conversation was in English for -fortunate me- we were suppose to ask each other questions and I recall I said one word to describe me was odd and he sincerely said that usually the odd people seem odd; his english isn't 100% but I could tell he was sincere, and somehow got to talk of connecting with people and I stated how it's hard to and he agreed as well, there seemed to be something mutual there]. When I talk to him, and when I mentioned the connection thing, it seemed I was fake or acting then. I understood it, but it seemed more for his benefit [or would it be mine] than speaking completely sincerely.

I also recall when I asked how he liked the school, he said,"Not really," which surprised me for I thought he was progressing and I was happy with the progress. The schock showed on my face I'm sure for he changed his answer to,"It's okay," before smiling, with got me smiling as damn well.

I've tried talking to him a few times, with chaotic results. Once I tried asking him a question, and he refused to look at me and just kept shaking his head and mouthing 'no'. The second time I think went alright for I called his name three times [I can't tell if he heard me before or not] and went to say good job on his presentation to the class [I actually froze in midsentence when eye contact was made; I was a bit negative that day and he seemed a bit tired as well, I wonder if he even knew exactly what I was saying? He hadn't smiled yet, it was only at the end did he give me a weak smile, -I thrive off of smiles]. The third time he either did not hear me, or ignored me.

I figured he ignored me [seeing I'm pretty sure he saw me, and I said his name two times!], however, today the ever forgetful boy forgot his PE wrriten test and again I had to call his name numerous times [I think at least thrice] before I got input and got him looking at me. I think though he should have seen me, he honestly didn't acknowledge my prescence [or didn't notice it, I mean] until the third bloody time.

The troublesome things about girls, is that we usually think a lot more than we should [or so I hear] which doesn't surprise me too much [we worry a hell of a lot more, rather annoying]. So I wonder if he was ignoring me, or if because the english name he assigned himself he is not completely in tune with it, or my voice is too bloody quiet.

Then I compared his reactions to my own where once he asked me a question, and I did exactly as he did and just kept saying no and shaking my head! It's hard to judge the information well enough or not for it could go in two extremes, and it's hard not to make a biased opinion by what you prefer.

The crush is fading [it's hardly there] and I certainly no longer really blush in his prescence, however, I think of him a hell of a lot more than anyone else [for once reason or another] and I still stare at him, I try to stop [seeing it probably creeps him out; he's caught me staring, but I always look away right away, though he still sees] however, I start to become apathetic towards the students and it seems I loose my happieness or content state of mind and it is slowly enwrapped in negative emotions.

I suppose I should merely just stop looking at him and sulk for awhile [and see how long the depression lasts for] or perhaps try to make a move- even if I'm chicken shiz. I would only consider making a move on something that isn't real [and try to become a friend, for that's all I want, I wouldn't want to be boyfriend or girlfriend for they are much too self-conscious to what they say to each other, I want all the details of his life] for I would rather regret an act of action than inaction.

In a nutshell, I would wish to become friends with this man even though we both rarely talk and though memoriable enough were the conversations, I honestly don't know how to keep the flame growing in conversation. I'm shy, and guess what? He's bloody shy too. I suppose I'll have to ask him more questions.

It's a bit confusing, feeling a bit fake when I talk to him, and the sexual attraction, and that must be it! It must only be a physical attraction! Goal: Make friends with him, never boyfriend or girlfriend.

Though I doubt that will help exactly seeing I'm very bad at the art of conversation. [That, and I can't help but stereotype myself as that damnable little girl who has a crush that the boy finds annoying; a bit common in tv shows I've noticed. Very shy, tries to talk, but it's completely annoying or the girl can't trully listen to the boy, media and internet have sadly effected my perspective].

What do you children [forgive me if this offends anyone; it's a bit habit for me to think of us all as children; it helps stop crushes from forming or dying quickly] think of this? I'm curious to your input and response. I wonder if I potentially solved the issue myself, or if I was just going with my thoughts and trying to solve it easily. Rather troublesome when your feelings are mixed, but I think I helped cleared some of them with this.

I just gotta wonder if it'll work, if I'll be able to become friends with him or if I'll actually be able to let the crush go. I don't want to let it go [which is troublesome] even though the endorphins are no longer sent to me. I suppose it's because it gives me something to do and what not.

-Taokitty-

PS If you read it all and actually decided to post, congratulations! I'm surprised I did not bore you to death!

Hmmm... I gotta wonder how likely is that most troubles to the ratio of talking to the crush and dating is?

3:1, 1:3, or 2:2?
 
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Iridium

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Tl;dr


Seems like you are in quite a predicament here.
Well if he's ignoring you; from what I gather isn't really interested in you.

But you can become friends with him if all else fails, still, don't get hung up on this guy it's not worth your time chasing after him. Sulk as long as you need to, eventually you'll break out of it and recover. And he is a crush after all the term is generally close to what happens in situations like this; for me the ratio is about 1:3 I think?

Sorry if I was a little off on my observation and input into the situation, it was hard to read that so fast O_O;;;;
 

afrobutt

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You seem like one of those ppl who look at relationships as pointless. If so, then there's really nothing to discuss. If you feel there's no attraction between you two besides the general sexual attraction (obviously this only applies if you want MORE then said sexual attraction), then why bother persueing it?

I'm sure you could become friends (long as the whole "language barrier" thing isn't too bothersome) in time, where you don't feel anything besides general friendship.
 

Taokitty

A Chagrined Fool.
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Yttrxium: Haha, thank you.

I'd like to think he isn't trying to ignore me [from what I gathered], however, it could be just that. It would be best if I try not to dillusion myself too much [though I notice we both seem to ignore each other a bit, rather odd, I wonder if I initiate it? I think it's partially because of him possibly not knowing his name and me being quiet, odd thing is, when he ignored me that day, the next week he talked to me in Social Studies. Then he kept smiling at me during a few presentations to the class and clapped very enthusiastically. Think I'll try to stay on the positive side -even though I'm just trying to put the odds in my favour-. It really is hard to think realistically and determine what results are more likely to occur than what you wish would.]

Cha! I shall do that then. It's best to have a friendship anyway. [And thank you; I just wish not to sulk too long for I don't like that feeling of negativity, I've experienced quite a bit of it in the past, so I'm not too keen towards that direction].

You seem to be quite in tune with crushes and how to act if most of your problems occur in the dating than the talking.

xD Thank you for reading it though, it's appreciated. You got it down. ^-^

Ninjacom: Thank you for the feedback.

It's not just that I don't want to know him personally, it's just that I fear my feelings aren't sincere enough [I'm a natural pessimistic]. It could be because I have no experience in this field and I was trying to view it away from myself to read the beset into it.

I want him, but I want to want him more than just an object [though, from what you wrote, I should determine if there does seem to be more than that or not].

Thank you, I think this has helped define the problem more to me of why I fear acting on it.

I think I will try to become friends with him and at least talk to him.

Ah, he knows English fairly well -could know it better- but he learns fast/communicates well.

Hopefully I will resolve this matter.
 
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