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Help/Support ► Crazy or just mundane?



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Dexel

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Yep, it's the nutcase from the confession thread come to be more selfish. Frankly, I think it's just 'cause it's the single worst thing running through my head and thus the most difficult one to say because of social ineptitude and how the only people who'd care would give me looks filled with such pity I wished I'd never said anything. Anyhow, onto the good stuff.

I've just been finding life difficult as hell lately. Thus far, I was never really focusing on having fun or pursuing personal interests outside of the academic field. Lately, though, I've just been thinking on what a hellhole the whole system is. Objectively speaking, I feel like I've just been working since I could learn to read, trying to be stuffed full of all this "knowledge" while being molded into an ideal person. Of course, I don't think this is really unique at all. I'm not a people person, all I got going is smarts.

But it's the simple fact that life after this is predictably bad: there's only a few things for certain, including taxes and long work hours (if I even land a job). It just makes me wonder what exactly I was doing with myself before now, and the simple answer is: nothing. I also think back on how people always say there's lots to do with your life, and even compared to my classmates, I've pretty much done nothing and now don't feel like doing anything. Know when they ask you your goals and all that shiz? You got it: nothing there from me either. There's literally nothing I aspire to be.

As for being molded into an ideal citizen, that's just another typical thing: certain things are attempted to be permanently ingrained into our heads from the time we're kids, and for most of our early years, most of our opinions are adopted from others. Of course, now that's being thrown into question for me and I feel no inclination to stick to -everything- I was told now that I've the freedom of being able to think for myself...not that I can always say what's on my mind. In all frankness, unless it involves me, I tend to not give a crap at all. I may claim to, but then along comes the days I realize I really don't care at all, that these "emotions" just feel extremely paper thin and feigned. Obviously, I also feel inclined to do something that was always discouraged (murder, theft, the usual), and I don't exactly feel much guilt or anything thinking of doing it. Just regret it has to be forbidden so that I can never figure out what it's like.

Despite all of this that I'm thinking, though, I'm really just apathetic and lazy at the core. I've come EXTREMELY close to failing a lot of my classes this year and I'm really quite surprised I haven't. Funny enough, I'm also just really easy to anger lately. A single comment of noise can make me want to tear the person's head off. I can even spend the whole damn day getting pulled into Dreamland thinking just what the heck kind of pain I would try to inflict on that person. I never head off to any public places or anything and pretty much stay inside the whole day. Times I do get out, I'm in a terrific kupoing rush for no real reason.

-x-

...I dunno why the heck I'm saying all this. A way to remember it? Just saying it aloud? Ah, hell, what do I care. Go ahead and laugh, I know I'm ridiculous, I'm crazy. You don't have to tell me twice. :v
 
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I can relate a lot to the first half at least. What I've found myself doing to stay calm and not worry was detach myself from life, actually just living to move it forward. But I don't advise that- that's basically living simply because you feel obligated to exist before you die.

There are certain things you can't do, or shouldn't do, because regardless of society, they aren't right to your fellow person. But to enjoy life, I guess I'd say just try to get more out of it than what you feel like you must do because you're here -while adhere to most social norms, of course. Find a hobby, or try to find a friend. Fall in love or hate, yell or make a piece of art -something to look back at and be proud of or to feel some way about. Monotony is pretty painful, in a way, just try to see what you want. Doesn't have to be what others expect of you.

And I have a problem with "crazy", personally, because I don't know how you can differentiate it from just a different, perhaps more odd personality. But if there's a chance it may make them hurt themselves or others, it certainly needs to be suppressed in some way because of basic wrong and right and blah blah blah.

...Actually, my advice is don't listen to me, I'm horrible with advice. And, quite frankly, I'm kinda dumb. :x I'm free to talk if you want, though. :3
 

Just Dari

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Just answer a few questions for me, if you will.


  1. Dexel, would you say you're routines and patterns are repetitive and you expect a different result? If yes, why?
  2. Do you carry any interest in the results of your actions? This is to say do you monitor if you've changed a little if at all.
  3. Going back to question 2, do you care for any change if at all? If you do, that is step in the right direction.


If you've got things that you value, by all means, sieze whats available. You can't feverishly be lax, but angered at even the tiniest tid-bits of irritation, those two qualities and concepts sort've negate each other. Discriminant discretion is just a means of being choosy with how you feel, and saying "of no accord are you interested" or phased just seems like a defensive parameter you've set up around yourself quite consciously.


You don't need a therapist bro.
You need to do something constructive, build an outlet that will give you or inspire some form of change to break your current routine. Thats all.
 

DiceKiller

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Well it's definitely good that you wanted to get this out. This does seem like a call for help, even if you won't admit it directly.

It seems like you're already trying to convince yourself that you can't change as the result of the rut you're in right now. You've already made a habit of what you do everyday and you already have it in your mind that you're doomed to a future that you despise. I know you want to change otherwise you wouldn't have posted this, but depending on how long you've been feeling like this, it's going to be pretty difficult. Daily routines are hard to break and just as hard to establish. You're gonna want to stop focusing so much on what you wished your long-term goals were. It really helps to take things one day at a time.

Also, you definitely need to get out more. Go for a walk or something, any sort of exercise since it really helps take stress of your body. I don't think there's a way to quickly become a more social person, but try to at least be around people. You don't have to talk to them or anything, just go to a place you feel comfortable where people are. I know that if I was a extremely antisocial person, I wouldn't be familiar with emotions of other people and therefore not really developed them. Maybe this is where your darker thoughts come from. Maybe you desperately just want to feel some sort of emotion. This is also might be why you feel like lashing out so much. You have too many things inside you that you don't know how to express, but since anger is usually the easiest thing to feel, that's what wants to come out.

Anyways, I'm not sure what else to say. Bad things usually happens when someone is alone with their thoughts for too long, so you're definitely want to change that. But again, take things step by step. You can't afford to convince yourself that nothing will change whenever you compare any sort of progress you make with how you wish things were. Oh and sorry if my thoughts are badly organized or if I'm not making a lot of sense. I've always had a problem with communicating, but I try my best to get my thoughts out anyway ^^;

I wish you the best of luck ^^
 

Dexel

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Just answer a few questions for me, if you will.


  1. Dexel, would you say you're routines and patterns are repetitive and you expect a different result? If yes, why?
  2. Do you carry any interest in the results of your actions? This is to say do you monitor if you've changed a little if at all.
  3. Going back to question 2, do you care for any change if at all? If you do, that is step in the right direction.
If you've got things that you value, by all means, sieze whats available. You can't feverishly be lax, but angered at even the tiniest tid-bits of irritation, those two qualities and concepts sort've negate each other. Discriminant discretion is just a means of being choosy with how you feel, and saying "of no accord are you interested" or phased just seems like a defensive parameter you've set up around yourself quite consciously.


You don't need a therapist bro.
You need to do something constructive, build an outlet that will give you or inspire some form of change to break your current routine. Thats all.

Sorry for taking a while here, fell asleep. Anyhow... :x

1) There are a lot of things I do that are repetitive, I suppose. It's moreso how every day is exactly the same, though I think I probably do have some routines I'm not normally aware of. To be honest, I don't exactly expect much of a different result from day to day.

2) For the most part, no. There's maybe one or two things I still care about, but the rest is just "whatever" to me.

3) Here's the thing that puzzles me the most. Something in the back of my head tells me that yes, I do want change, but it seems the majority of me protests about making any changes. It's not fear or even familiarity that invokes the thought, it's just there.

I don't think there's a way to quickly become a more social person, but try to at least be around people. You don't have to talk to them or anything, just go to a place you feel comfortable where people are. I know that if I was a extremely antisocial person, I wouldn't be familiar with emotions of other people and therefore not really developed them. Maybe this is where your darker thoughts come from. Maybe you desperately just want to feel some sort of emotion. This is also might be why you feel like lashing out so much. You have too many things inside you that you don't know how to express, but since anger is usually the easiest thing to feel, that's what wants to come out.

Being around other people is painful for me, though, and in itself an anger trigger. Gives me chronic headaches, makes my body try to twist up like a pretzel, etc. I can't relax or do anything except with a small group of people, and it can't be noisy in the room, which is a miracle in school. I can't even keep my cool most of the time if they have to ask me if I'm sure of something a second time.

I do agree I probably don't know how to express myself, though. There's been many occasions where people seem to interpret how I think/feel as completely different from what I think.
 
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Memory Master

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I read this and I thought to myself "This sounds almost exactly like what i'm going through right now." I can relate to alot of what you said, in fact I couldn't say it any better myself so I wont, but yeah if you ever need someone to relate to about this, send me a PM.
 

Taylor

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before i get into anything

how old are you.
 
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