Yep, it's the nutcase from the confession thread come to be more selfish. Frankly, I think it's just 'cause it's the single worst thing running through my head and thus the most difficult one to say because of social ineptitude and how the only people who'd care would give me looks filled with such pity I wished I'd never said anything. Anyhow, onto the good stuff.
I've just been finding life difficult as hell lately. Thus far, I was never really focusing on having fun or pursuing personal interests outside of the academic field. Lately, though, I've just been thinking on what a hellhole the whole system is. Objectively speaking, I feel like I've just been working since I could learn to read, trying to be stuffed full of all this "knowledge" while being molded into an ideal person. Of course, I don't think this is really unique at all. I'm not a people person, all I got going is smarts.
But it's the simple fact that life after this is predictably bad: there's only a few things for certain, including taxes and long work hours (if I even land a job). It just makes me wonder what exactly I was doing with myself before now, and the simple answer is: nothing. I also think back on how people always say there's lots to do with your life, and even compared to my classmates, I've pretty much done nothing and now don't feel like doing anything. Know when they ask you your goals and all that shiz? You got it: nothing there from me either. There's literally nothing I aspire to be.
As for being molded into an ideal citizen, that's just another typical thing: certain things are attempted to be permanently ingrained into our heads from the time we're kids, and for most of our early years, most of our opinions are adopted from others. Of course, now that's being thrown into question for me and I feel no inclination to stick to -everything- I was told now that I've the freedom of being able to think for myself...not that I can always say what's on my mind. In all frankness, unless it involves me, I tend to not give a crap at all. I may claim to, but then along comes the days I realize I really don't care at all, that these "emotions" just feel extremely paper thin and feigned. Obviously, I also feel inclined to do something that was always discouraged (murder, theft, the usual), and I don't exactly feel much guilt or anything thinking of doing it. Just regret it has to be forbidden so that I can never figure out what it's like.
Despite all of this that I'm thinking, though, I'm really just apathetic and lazy at the core. I've come EXTREMELY close to failing a lot of my classes this year and I'm really quite surprised I haven't. Funny enough, I'm also just really easy to anger lately. A single comment of noise can make me want to tear the person's head off. I can even spend the whole damn day getting pulled into Dreamland thinking just what the heck kind of pain I would try to inflict on that person. I never head off to any public places or anything and pretty much stay inside the whole day. Times I do get out, I'm in a terrific kupoing rush for no real reason.
-x-
...I dunno why the heck I'm saying all this. A way to remember it? Just saying it aloud? Ah, hell, what do I care. Go ahead and laugh, I know I'm ridiculous, I'm crazy. You don't have to tell me twice. :v
I've just been finding life difficult as hell lately. Thus far, I was never really focusing on having fun or pursuing personal interests outside of the academic field. Lately, though, I've just been thinking on what a hellhole the whole system is. Objectively speaking, I feel like I've just been working since I could learn to read, trying to be stuffed full of all this "knowledge" while being molded into an ideal person. Of course, I don't think this is really unique at all. I'm not a people person, all I got going is smarts.
But it's the simple fact that life after this is predictably bad: there's only a few things for certain, including taxes and long work hours (if I even land a job). It just makes me wonder what exactly I was doing with myself before now, and the simple answer is: nothing. I also think back on how people always say there's lots to do with your life, and even compared to my classmates, I've pretty much done nothing and now don't feel like doing anything. Know when they ask you your goals and all that shiz? You got it: nothing there from me either. There's literally nothing I aspire to be.
As for being molded into an ideal citizen, that's just another typical thing: certain things are attempted to be permanently ingrained into our heads from the time we're kids, and for most of our early years, most of our opinions are adopted from others. Of course, now that's being thrown into question for me and I feel no inclination to stick to -everything- I was told now that I've the freedom of being able to think for myself...not that I can always say what's on my mind. In all frankness, unless it involves me, I tend to not give a crap at all. I may claim to, but then along comes the days I realize I really don't care at all, that these "emotions" just feel extremely paper thin and feigned. Obviously, I also feel inclined to do something that was always discouraged (murder, theft, the usual), and I don't exactly feel much guilt or anything thinking of doing it. Just regret it has to be forbidden so that I can never figure out what it's like.
Despite all of this that I'm thinking, though, I'm really just apathetic and lazy at the core. I've come EXTREMELY close to failing a lot of my classes this year and I'm really quite surprised I haven't. Funny enough, I'm also just really easy to anger lately. A single comment of noise can make me want to tear the person's head off. I can even spend the whole damn day getting pulled into Dreamland thinking just what the heck kind of pain I would try to inflict on that person. I never head off to any public places or anything and pretty much stay inside the whole day. Times I do get out, I'm in a terrific kupoing rush for no real reason.
-x-
...I dunno why the heck I'm saying all this. A way to remember it? Just saying it aloud? Ah, hell, what do I care. Go ahead and laugh, I know I'm ridiculous, I'm crazy. You don't have to tell me twice. :v