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Fanfiction ► Chronicles of Dirschbowder

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New member
Sep 29, 2007
On a stage with a guitar
This is an old comedy I wrote a few years back. It's been a success before, so I decided to post it here. Anyway, the first chapter is a bit boring, but it gets much better, trust me. The 'chapters' are written as 'missions,' so don't get confused when I write that down. Anyway, read, rate, and rep.

Ever wonder what exactly is standing in the way of us and total world chaos?

Ever wonder what was the driving force in the world, but no one knew?

Ever wonder the real reason that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were bombed?

The answers are here, in the Chronicles of Dirschbowder, an LPATM production. Read on, and immerse yourself in a story of truth, sadness, and mild comic relief. Enjoy.

Mission One: Reservation

Three hundred years ago, a botanist named Hans Wilfred Dirschbowder journeyed from America to Japan, to study plants there.

Understand, he was a really good botanist. In fact his newest creation was a plant-human hybrid - humans that were vegetable, and so eating them will not be cannibalism if you ever happen to be stranded on a mountain with only them for company or something. H.W. Dirschbowder was taking these hybrids over to Japan to collaborate.

After a few weeks he got tired of the whole thing and arranged to go back to America. Unfortunately one of his hybrids ate his plane ticket, and so he was stranded in Japan. (Yeah, they had planes. Awesome, isn’t it?)

Depressed, and with nothing else to do, he started his own town next to Nagasaki, and named it - gasp! - Dirschbowder. (DIRSH·bow·der, n - mythical town in Japan.)

Dirschbowder was a happy little town with happy little people, and really pretty gardens too. They’re credited with a few inventions like gunpowder, until the Chinese plagiarized it on a so-called diplomatic mission to wrest the secrets of fertilizer from them. Its army, too, was also a heroic thing - eighty percent of the male population in the army, all standing guard around the entire city, twenty four seven. Females in the army? Is that like a joke?

Its main asset, however, was spawning two men who would ultimately change the world. They were nothing extraordinary, unless you call being completely crazy extraordinary. This would be about early 20th century. The scene is as follows.

The president of Dirschbowder was dead. Mourners carried his body through the streets. The upper government officials looked sad for the cameras. General riots ensued throughout the city. You know… the normal stuff.

But there was work to be done, even as everyone cried their eyes out. A new president and a new general of the army had to be elected. In the next day, a young man named President Leaf was elected. His best friend, General Cell, was elected the general, as was the custom. As we carefully zoom in on them from a far off camera, they are walking in a garden, congratulating each other.

“So,” General Cell said breezily. “Congrats on being the new president.”

“Yep,” Leaf sighed. “Think of all the stuff I’ll be able to do. I hear there’s great food special for the president. I might even get fat like you.”

“Meh. Maybe,” the General muttered, missing the point completely. “So what’re you going to do?”

“Live ma life to the fullest,” Leaf replied.

“Right, but what are you gonna do for Dirschbowder?”

Leaf gave him a strange look. “Who cares?”

And that’s where it all began…

You might find this first chapter a bit bland, and if you do, that's fine, because I do too. Like I said though, it gets much better, so bear with me and you'll enjoy it. Last person I showed it to almost choked on his milkshake. While I don't want to kill any of you, I do want you to enjoy the thing. So.

EDIT: Forgot to mention. I'll update every three days as most of the missions are already written. (It was originally a comic). So. Just... I don't know.


New member
Sep 29, 2007
On a stage with a guitar
The general lack of response means that the first chapter clearly wasn't snappy enough.

Anyway, here's the next one.

Mission Two: Assassination
Four years later
“I can’t take much more of this,” the General said angrily.

It was eight in the morning, and the General and Lieutenants One, Two, and Three were in the army base with him. The General was discussing the economy of Dirschbowder and how it had fallen in the last four years. In four years, President Leaf had changed his name to Miles Dirschbowder, or MD, and seemed completely oblivious to the problems that he wasn’t solving.

“Can’t take much more of what?” Three asked.

“MD!” the General shouted. “The man’s crazy! He’s practically a kid! He’s an idiot! But he’s running our city!”

Three shrugged. “Yeah, he’s crazy. But so?”

The General screeched, “The man’s cut the coal miner’s budgets, practically wasted the gardens, and neglected the power plant, all the while drinking iced tea in the largest drawing room in Japan!”

“If you can’t stand the man, why don’t you get rid of him?” One asked amiably, idly playing Solitaire on a computer.

The General collapsed in a chair. “How do you think I’d do that? Make him resign? Nah. Won’t work. The only way I could get him to be completely out of the picture is to-”
He gasped as the idea struck him. One looked up and said, “Sure, kill him. Why not? You’re complaining about how he runs the place, so why don’t you just knock him out with one of our little guns and take control yourself?”

The General considered. “Dangerous, yes. However the idea does have an appeal to it. Yes… yes! All right then. I will kill him. Tonight, in fact. Two, fetch my cellphone.”
No answer. The General tried again. “Throw me my cellphone, Two!”

“Sorry, General,” Two’s voice sounded from somewhere. “This mission is just so enticing…”

“Are you playing Coded again?” the General asked, exasperated.

Silence. Then… “Ye-es?…”

“Just… never mind. I’ll come in there myself.” The General disappeared through the doorway.

<Screams. Loud thuds. Mild profanity.>

“Thanks very much,” the General said.
MD walked through the doorway of the meeting room after another hard day’s work of doing nothing.

Really, the General should have scheduled this meeting before today, MD thought, rubbing his forehead. So busy…

MD stiffened as he heard footsteps, and then relaxed as he realized it was the General. “Evening, General,” he said.

The General said nothing. MD tried again. “So what was this meeting supposed to be about? You called like what, five minutes ago? Very short notice, and I’m so busy with everything. In the future, you should-”

“There will be no future,” the General said in a harsh voice.

MD stopped a moment, and then continued. “What? I don’t get it. Is the world ending today? I thought the Mayans had some prediction date of December 2012. So how do you-”

“SHUT UP!” the General roared, brandishing his gun.

MD, for the first time in his life, shut up.

“Now listen, MD,” the General said, taking a step closer with each word, “me and a couple of my pals don’t like the way you’re running the place. How about those poor miners, eh? Why’d you cut their budget?”

MD shrank back against a wall - up close, the General’s huge bulk loomed very effectively. He squeaked, “I was told it’d make the city coffers more full… it’d help the city…”

“Oh yeah? Couldn’t make the decision yourself?”

“Listen,” MD squealed, grasping at straws, “I can change-”

“No,” the General said. “You cannot change. It is too late.” He raised the gun, fired, turned, and walked away.

MD barely saw the bullet before it slammed him in the chest, where his heart was. Blood exploded out of him and he spiraled into the wall, breaking his neck against it as he slammed into it. Then he slumped down, just a figure in the dark, as General Cell left the room to begin his domination.
To be continued in Mission Three: Reformation
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