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Cinollex

tssssss
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yesterday, my mother
bought
me
a
train
set
i was very happy and i
worked very hard
i put all the pieces together
they curved and swerved and
rose and fell
and made little bumps in the
carpet where the plastic
trees sat on pretty beige
dirt, and
all
the
little
people
fell over


my train talked like thomas
it told me not to be
afraid
it said a lot of
things but as time went
by it got more and more
quiet
and i started hating it all
i could do was
sit and watch
it go round
in
circles
i wanted to take the
tracks apart
piece
by
stupid
piece
and cut down the plastic
trees and put away all
the little people


first i took a curvy
piece and i threw
it so far it hit the
wall
with
a
big
bang
then i kicked it so
hard it broke and
my train said very loud
don't hurt me
don't hurt me
please
i was like
godzilla it felt so
amazing i wanted to just
wreck everything and
leave
it
all
broken
and
lonely


choo choo
choo choo
choo choo;
 

Lancelot

It's the only NEET thing to do.
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my god woman, this is just... brilliant. it affected me deeply emotionally. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but whatever that may be, it's damn good
 

Orion

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Fuck. This is awesome shit.

The fragmentation and erratic style make it read well for the purpose it seems to have been written for.
 

Izayoi

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I love it
It like is emotional and everything and I cna just tell it's trying to say something on some deeper level yet it remains kind of depressing, and makes me kind of depressed but in the way that I can respect it while feeling emotional.
 

Annoyance

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I'm personally loving the emotions that just shine in this poem. The broken sentences help it come to life, too, with how it's read and whatnot.
I love this and have no idea what else to say. :D
 

Cinollex

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Thanks for all the positive feedback, guys. c:

I'm personally loving the emotions that just shine in this poem. The broken sentences help it come to life, too, with how it's read and whatnot.
I love this and have no idea what else to say. :D
♥

What a relief, daha. I'm usually pretty sub-par at getting emotions across (outside of dialogue, at least), but I'd like to think this is a step in the right direction.

That having been said, I'd love to hear how some of you interpreted this.
 

E.J.

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Lots of emotions. I felt so much reading this, I felt bad for the train set though.
 
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I read this, and it really just makes me want to go hug you (or if you want to put it this way, the kid in the poem).

Wonderfully written cino C:
 

Siren

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The ending was enjoyable, as was the image of someone acting like Godzilla. Unlike the other readers, I find myself thinking that there isn't really all that much emotion in the piece; that it's a piece about something childish getting broken, being told by a child. A novel enough concept, but I just don't feel it. Maybe that's just me.

I also found myself just ignoring the fact that you put so few words per line, and read it like it was prose. That wasn't because I'm defective or something; it's because when you have
one
word
per
line
or maybe
two
if you're
lucky

it gets very disjointed very quickly. Choppy choppy choppy.
 

Cinollex

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I read this, and it really just makes me want to go hug you (or if you want to put it this way, the kid in the poem).

Wonderfully written cino C:
c:
oh thanks, rich.

The ending was enjoyable, as was the image of someone acting like Godzilla. Unlike the other readers, I find myself thinking that there isn't really all that much emotion in the piece; that it's a piece about something childish getting broken, being told by a child. A novel enough concept, but I just don't feel it. Maybe that's just me.
Meh, it was originally titled "God is a kid with a train set" - at least, that's what I had in mind when I wrote it. But I eventually decided that I'd let the symbolism speak for itself, and leave the subject - if any :\ - open to interpretation.

I also found myself just ignoring the fact that you put so few words per line, and read it like it was prose. That wasn't because I'm defective or something; it's because when you have
one
word
per
line
or maybe
two
if you're
lucky

it gets very disjointed very quickly. Choppy choppy choppy.
__________________
inorite

but I kinda like it that way, for some reason.
 
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