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Chains



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cloudwolf124

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Oct 8, 2007
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My arms restrained
by all of the chains

My body constricted
My movement restricted

This feeling of pain
of false redemption

The darkness forever
The light a treasure

The chains are weakening
i feel my arms pull free

Darkness disappearing
Light coming back

An eternity in prison
a life time of darkness
The world seems unchanged
to on who sees darkness
 

Nyangoro

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I'm seeing improvement compared to some of your previous work. It has a very simple and basic flow, which is always good to start with before trying new things (though, some poets tend to always stick to the basic, lol). The only thing that hinders the flow is an inconsistency in your rhyming. Often it would go from slant rhymes to more pure rhymes, and once there was no rhyme at all. Fortunately, the basic flow seemed to hold it reasonably together; though, in the future, you should try and stick to a general rhyming style and make it transition well if you do change it up a bit. About the message itself, it sounds like the typical "depressing" style of poetry that I see on here a lot. Granted, the use of the chain comparison helped (though, chains are a bit cliche themselves). Personally, I'd prefer more uncommon ways of using symbolism (I think they are more interesting and more powerful to read). You could also stand to expand your vocabulary, as that is an invaluable tool that poets have.

Also, capitalize the first words of lines (or if you don't, at least be consistent); and you also misspelled "one" at the end.
 

cloudwolf124

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who cares
Thank you nevermore for the feedback it is very much appreciated and i shall take your suggestions into consideraiton when writing my next one (seeing as everything i write tends to be spur of the moment dueto random inspiration)
 

Sparks

gone
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Apr 11, 2009
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montana
i like how at first it seems sad and morbid, then it seems like theres a small glimmer of hope, me likes lol
 
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