Carol and the Great Frost Beast Prologue Draft



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FangirlfromHell

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This is the first time I have ever shared this piece with anyone. My only wish is that you enjoy what I have managed to write and maybe offer some feedback. Example of good feedback would be asking questions that I should address in this chapter, details I should flesh out more, details I should omit. Things like that. You can even ask me questions that don't pertain to the story itself but to the inspiration. To get it out of the way: Yes, this is a Santa Claus story but I doubt it will be like what you are expecting.
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There is a bright golden haze on the snow-swept meadow as the sun rises behind the clouds, turning night once more into day. A new day was dawning in Aurora Valley and a young girl was determined to make the most of the daylight hours. Quickly dressing in warm brown woolen clothes and thick boots, Carol Poinsettia Kringle was determined she would see what life was like outside the walls of her father’s castle. All she had to do was avoid the grumpies, cruel goblin-like creatures that served her father faithfully. Though they had never done her harm, she knew that they would sometimes kidnap children from the village and those children were never heard from again. It was a popular belief that they became grumpies themselves or died of starvation in the coal mines. Carol could never say if she believed her father was capable of that level of cruelty, having never seen it firsthand.

Exiting her room, she ran down to the kitchens to have a spot of breakfast before her adventure. The twelve-year-old girl had hardly expected to see her father not only at the table but with two guests. One she recognized as the carpenter from the village who doubled as a blacksmith. Mr. Klaus, a tall man with black wavy hair drawn back in a ponytail and a closely-cropped beard was sitting talking in a civil manner with her father, the king of Aurora Valley. Sitting on the middle-aged man’s lap was a boy maybe a year or two her junior, with striking blue eyes that seemed impossibly innocent framed by a messier version of the man’s hair but with much paler skin. The boy was staring at her father with an expression she was sure was awe.

“I understand your concerns Mr. Klaus, but there is little I can do at this time about the shortage of food in the village. Even here in the castle I have cut what we take as our share. I must ask…what precisely is your son holding in his hands? You know that toys are not permitted in the kingdom.” For the ire at the unknown word, her father sounded quite composed as he gazed evenly at the boy who was still staring at him with wonder (possibly she concluded because her father was a fairly pretty man).

“Tis’ no toy your majesty, only a pine cone he picked up on the road and hasn’t let leave his sight. In fact he insisted asking your permission to keep it.”

“Is this true child? You wished royal permission to keep such a thing?” King Krumpus Kringle demanded with a dangerous humor in his voice that the child seemed entirely ignorant of as the monarch’s eyebrow rose. The small boy’s mouth moved, but no sound left his lips as he nodded with a smile bright enough to rival the sun that so oft hid behind he clouds. The boy’s reaction seemed to snap the man out of his peculiar expression.

What would a child want with a simple pinecone? This child would hardly do any good in the mines, he is too frail to consider a danger to the food supply even. Perhaps I should let him keep it if just so it doesn’t litter my kingdom again.

“Very well, you may keep the pinecone for whatever reason you wish. Ah, Carol come meet Mr. Klaus and his son. May I present my daughter, Princess Carol Poinsettia Kringle.”

Carol swallowed down her displeasure at being caught and walked in with a small polite smile, shocked when the boy’s gaze locked on her with the same wonder and a look of pure surprise upon his cherubic face. Carol suddenly wanted to shield this boy away from every rumor she had learned about the castle and her father, if only to see that wonder preserved for a time when children were permitted childish things again.

“It’s an honor to meet you Mr. Klaus, and um…does your son have a name?”

“Ho-ho-ho! Of course m’boy has a name milady princess. This is Nicholas, me only child. M’afraid he hasn’t said much since we lost his mother. Nicholas, do you remember how I taught you to treat a lady?” Mr. Klaus prompted, pleased when the boy slid off his lap and gave a proper bow (or as proper as he could with his frail limbs wobbling like a fawn).

“It is a pleasure to meet you Nicholas.” Carol said with a curtsey, eye examining the younger child. Carol decided that he could be her chance to look around town without having to sneak behind her father’s back. The girl turned to her father, their eyes meeting and he prompted her to ask what she wanted.

“Father, would it be permissible to have Nicholas show me around the town? I wish to know what our kingdom is like firsthand since I am to take the throne one day.”

King Kringle looked thoughtfully between his daughter and the craftsman’s son, weighing the options. With a heavy sigh he looked to Mr. Klaus.

“Would this be agreeable Mr. Klaus? My daughter makes a fine point but I do not trust my own people to keep her sufficiently out of trouble. Would you and your son mind guiding her through the village?”

Mr. Klaus laughed jovially and bowed politely.

“It would be our honor sire. Come along your highness, there is plenty to see.”
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What do you guys think of this for a start? Good, bad, where can I improve? I look forward to even a simple 'this concept is interesting, please expand on it some more'.
 

KingdomKey

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Yes, please expand upon this some more. I'm certainly interested to see where this concept of yours goes! I wasn't expecting King Krumpus Kringle to have a child of his own. You'd think toys would be allowed, especially if he has a daughter. And Nicholas being so frail makes me feel concerned about his well being in the future. I'm curious to see how the pair of children will get along. And if Mr. Klaus will make toys in secret or not? This is a great start for a story. I do hope to read and see more of it soon!

And the only thing I'd say for room for improvement is to make sure you're not missing letters as seen below; where I put them in bold.

The small boy’s mouth moved, but no sound left his lips as he nodded with a smile bright enough to rival the sun that so oft hid behind he clouds. The boy’s reaction seemed to snap the man out of his peculiar expression.
 
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