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Enchanted Rose

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~I'm reluctant to post here, but I am distraught and I really need your advice and support in whatever form. I would rely on my real life friends, but they are naturally incredibly biased towards me, and mostly full of destructive advice i.e. trying to kill my ex boyfriend. Due to lack of computer I can't talk on IM like I usually would, so I have to post here. I'd love it if you could read and post, thanks.

-LONG POST-

The problem:
About 11 days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. I then got back from holiday yesterday only to find at first he was trying to shun me, telling me he never wanted to talk to me or see me again so that he could get over me. Then, he said that 3 days after we'd broken up he'd kissed one of his friends on a rebound. What made it worse is that it was on what would have been our anniversary, and we'd been together 7 months. I feel so betrayed, just because I was on holiday he did it behind my backs. And 3 days! How callous!

Why I feel like crap:
When he told me I started hyperventilating, then gagging in an attempt to stop myself from vomitting. My body wouldn't stop shaking, and to this moment, nearly 24 hours, my heart cannot stop pounding. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about it every 4 seconds and it feels like I am being stabbed repeatedly in my lower stomach. I have never been in this much pain. [/emo bit]

To me, that was like cheating. Because we hadn't officially broken up, or even said goodbye which would give the ok to move on. We've broken up 4 times previously so whenever we do break up, neither of us take it seriously. I don't like constantly being on and off, but it's my last resort to stop him from hurting me. I am seriously reminded of the Ross and Rachel The Morning After thing from Friends.

Also, I know I'm up myself, but I just can't believe he did this to me. I never thought anyone would hurt me in this way - for me, it's the worst kind of thing someone can do in a relationship.

My pain is intensified by the absolute hypocrisy of the situation, since he used to be forever suffocatingly jealous and paranoid. For example, this one time he saw me talking to some guys in a pub, and then I hugged one of my male friends and he threw a fit and cried all night about how painful it was. He would also wake up in cold sweats after having dreams that I had slept with someone else. The only remotely deceitful thing I did was pole dancing and giving out my phone number to this guy (more out of sympathy that he was randomly smitten with me, more than anything else). He did also insinuate that I was a slut, though that opinion was formulated by the way I dress and the friends I have. So basically he did what he feared the most: being unfaithful.

Also, my now ex boyfriend recently randomly came out with all this shit such as that he "equated sex with marriage" (LOLOLOLOLZ. SRSLY NO) and he also asked me if he could propose to me. There was also the constant "I LOVE YOU" in every variety, "I never want to be with anyone else", "I see myself getting married to you" and more crap. In other words, I felt secure that he would never think of hurting me.

I saw him today and (obviously) asked him why he did it. This was his excuse:
"I wanted to make sure there was no chance that we would ever get back together so I could stop hurting you and vice versa. It was unconcious sabotage. I thought you were over me and wouldn't care". (Note, why would I be over him in 3 days...SRSLY! Also lol @ the unconcious sabotage bit). Despite his declaration that it meant nothing, he admitted he hadn't felt guilty. According to a friend he'd also described the girl he kissed as "too normal for him" and that she "bored the shit out of him".

Predictably, he came out with "I LOVE YOU AND WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!!!! YOU ARE PERFECT AND THE BEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!" More insincerity, perhaps? And he also started to beg me to take him back, before saying himself he had no right to ask.

The point:

Despite everything, I love him and am in love with him, and have been ever since the beginning of the relationship. But I can't forget or forgive so easily.

What do I do?

-How do I stop feeling so bad?
-Is it possible to ever get over perceived cheating?
-What should my attitude towards him be?
-Revenge ideas (no srsly, he asked to be punished)
-Any other thoughts about appropriation of blame.

Extra complication:

Now that I am single, I got asked out on a date by this guy I met. If I hadn't had a boyfriend when I had met him, we'd probably have started dating to be honest (even though he's like 5 years older than me lol). But I don't really know what to do about that either.

Thanks for helping if you do.
 

Deeman

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Just to start off, I have a sort of suggestion. If he wants you back, and you love him so much, then why don't you two get back together? Forgive him for what he's done; he was confused and maybe a bit shocked at your breakup, so he decided to cover that up by getting close to someone else. I'm not saying that what he did was okay; no, it was indeed stupid, but guys are guys, and we do stupid things.
-How do I stop feeling so bad?
Pray. Lol, kidding. Hang out with your friends more often. Don't be alone too much; when that happens, your mind will stray to that "OMG WE JUST BROKE UP AND HE KISSED SOMEONE" thought. No, instead, get out and about. Get yourself busy with other things. Say your multiplication tables when your mind comes to that nagging thought. >:3
-Is it possible to ever get over perceived cheating?
Oh yes, it most certainly is. You, yourself, need to let the past go. As hurtful as it is, you need to accept it and move on. If he knows he truly broke your heart, he'll come to you in sincere apology. You could also forgive him, but I'm not sure if you're in the right state to do so, ne?
-What should my attitude towards him be?
Well, if I were you, revenge would not be an option. That's very immature. Also, holding a grudge would get you no where. Think about it. Would you rather have that ominous thought in your head the rest of your life, whenever seeing him, glaring, frowning, and grumbling at him? Or, instead, would you "forgive" him, moving on, letting what's happened fly away. If you don't want him anymore for what he's done, you need to forget about your experiences with him and find someone new. Again, holding a grudge is pointless, so your attitude toward him should be casual.
-Revenge ideas (no srsly, he asked to be punished)
Haha, well, if he asked for it... theeen... write a list of devilish things. >:3 Hehe. Since this is my opinion, I wouldn't exactly do anything, even if he asked for it. =3

-Any other thoughts about appropriation of blame.
He must know he's hurt you. I can only imagine how painful it must be for you to hear that he kissed another girl. But truly, when you look at him now, does he seem sincerely apologetic? If so, that's a sign he's wearing that says, "Okay, I'm a retard, I know." If not, then, well, he's a jerk.

I hope you can get over all this Naomi. And honestly, I don't know if anything I've said has made sense, or hell, made an impact on you. But my heart goes to you nonetheless.

~<3
 

Wehrmacht

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~I'm reluctant to post here, but I am distraught and I really need your advice and support in whatever form.

You have it.

I would rely on my real life friends, but they are naturally incredibly biased towards me, and mostly full of destructive advice i.e. trying to kill my ex boyfriend.

I see.

Due to lack of computer I can't talk on IM like I usually would, so I have to post here. I'd love it if you could read and post, thanks.

Alright, let's see.

-LONG POST-

The problem:
About 11 days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. I then got back from holiday yesterday only to find at first he was trying to shun me, telling me he never wanted to talk to me or see me again so that he could get over me. Then, he said that 3 days after we'd broken up he'd kissed one of his friends on a rebound. What made it worse is that it was on what would have been our anniversary, and we'd been together 7 months. I feel so betrayed, just because I was on holiday he did it behind my backs. And 3 days! How callous!

Well, I would consider that 3 days is really too soon. What a jerk.

Why I feel like crap:
When he told me I started hyperventilating, then gagging in an attempt to stop myself from vomitting. My body wouldn't stop shaking, and to this moment, nearly 24 hours, my heart cannot stop pounding. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about it every 4 seconds and it feels like I am being stabbed repeatedly in my lower stomach. I have never been in this much pain. [/emo bit]

You really cared about him, didn't you? Well, I can't tell you I know how you feel, but I must imagine it's really terrible. I'm sorry that happened.

To me, that was like cheating. Because we hadn't officially broken up, or even said goodbye which would give the ok to move on. We've broken up 4 times previously so whenever we do break up, neither of us take it seriously. I don't like constantly being on and off, but it's my last resort to stop him from hurting me. I am seriously reminded of the Ross and Rachel The Morning After thing from Friends.

Ah, so this explains it. You have an on and off relationship, then?

Also, I know I'm up myself, but I just can't believe he did this to me. I never thought anyone would hurt me in this way - for me, it's the worst kind of thing someone can do in a relationship.

Certainly it is. Being betrayed really does hurt.
My pain is intensified by the absolute hypocrisy of the situation, since he used to be forever suffocatingly jealous and paranoid. For example, this one time he saw me talking to some guys in a pub, and then I hugged one of my male friends and he threw a fit and cried all night about how painful it was.

Shows he cares about you, but I really imagine that mustn't sit well with you.

The only remotely deceitful thing I did was pole dancing and giving out my phone number to this guy (more out of sympathy that he was randomly smitten with me, more than anything else).

This isn't relevant to your problem, but I really feel that I should say this: never do anything like that. Nothing hurts more than thinking you have a chance with someone, and later you find out that you didn't at all. Really.

He did also insinuate that I was a slut, though that opinion was formulated by the way I dress and the friends I have. So basically he did what he feared the most: being unfaithful.

Hipocrisy at its worst.

Also, my now ex boyfriend recently randomly came out with all this shit such as that he "equated sex with marriage" (LOLOLOLOLZ. SRSLY NO) and he also asked me if he could propose to me. There was also the constant "I LOVE YOU" in every variety, "I never want to be with anyone else", "I see myself getting married to you" and more crap. In other words, I felt secure that he would never think of hurting me.

<.< I can only imagine how much it must have hurt you then.

I saw him today and (obviously) asked him why he did it. This was his excuse:
"I wanted to make sure there was no chance that we would ever get back together so I could stop hurting you and vice versa. It was unconcious sabotage. I thought you were over me and wouldn't care". (Note, why would I be over him in 3 days...SRSLY! Also lol @ the unconcious sabotage bit). Despite his declaration that it meant nothing, he admitted he hadn't felt guilty. According to a friend he'd also described the girl he kissed as "too normal for him" and that she "bored the shit out of him".

Wow, my impression of your ex-boyfriend diminishes by the second.

Predictably, he came out with "I LOVE YOU AND WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!!!! YOU ARE PERFECT AND THE BEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!" More insincerity, perhaps? And he also started to beg me to take him back, before saying himself he had no right to ask.

Did he, now?

-How do I stop feeling so bad?

Time heals most wounds. I'm in a situation of pain myself, but I don't let that bring me down and ruin my fun.

-Is it possible to ever get over perceived cheating?

I can't say. But I'm sure you can. Then again, it's me talking, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me at all.

-What should my attitude towards him be?

Indifference. Let him go for a while.

-Revenge ideas (no srsly, he asked to be punished)

Oh, if I were you, I'd treat him neutrally and fake that you're not interested in him anymore. If he still keeps sulking after a while, you'll know he's really sorry for what he did.


-Any other thoughts about appropriation of blame.

(sighs) Well, I've never really had this type of problem before (never having anyone who could betray me, as I don't have a girlfriend and likely never will). The best I can suggest is for you to try and let other things occupy your mind.

Seems to me like you're too good for him.

Extra complication:

Now that I am single, I got asked out on a date by this guy I met. If I hadn't had a boyfriend when I had met him, we'd probably have started dating to be honest (even though he's like 5 years older than me lol). But I don't really know what to do about that either.

I honestly don't know what to say. I wouldn't date anyone for a while, if I were you.

Thanks for helping if you do.

Well, I tried. I'm sorry if this didn't help you at all, but you seem like a nice person who doesn't deserve to be in such pain, so I gave it my best. Probably Alexx or someone else will come and give you much better advice, so you might want to ignore this post.
 

Vandread

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Damn...that's a long post. I don't know what to say. There is just so much going on; it's hard to grasp all of it. When both of us have the time, and when you get your computer back, we'll have to talk on MSN about all of this so I can get it bit by bit and help you through all of this.
 

Just Dari

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Shit, this was posted too fast. Editing.

The problem:
About 11 days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. I then got back from holiday yesterday only to find at first he was trying to shun me, telling me he never wanted to talk to me or see me again so that he could get over me. Then, he said that 3 days after we'd broken up he'd kissed one of his friends on a rebound. What made it worse is that it was on what would have been our anniversary, and we'd been together 7 months. I feel so betrayed, just because I was on holiday he did it behind my backs. And 3 days! How callous!


-.- I find his rapid impulse really flat out uncalled for. Telling you only the 'rattle' your cage more than what it already has been now.

Why I feel like crap:
When he told me I started hyperventilating, then gagging in an attempt to stop myself from vomitting. My body wouldn't stop shaking, and to this moment, nearly 24 hours, my heart cannot stop pounding. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about it every 4 seconds and it feels like I am being stabbed repeatedly in my lower stomach. I have never been in this much pain. [/emo bit]

Something of this accord can cause you to feel like that to a major degree (i've been there, I can relate)

-How do I stop feeling so bad?

-Talk to your friends (though their biased towards you, it's by good means to relieve even a little stress which is for the better)
-Take a walk
-Get out of the house (last thing you want to do is sit there and let it eat away at you in isolation)
-Breathe (aside from hyperventilating, this will calm you down)


-Is it possible to ever get over perceived cheating?

Personal perception goes so far to say you ultimately believe as such. Yes, it is quite possible, you don't deny your attachment, thats a bond that will be there for extended periods of time. Though currently it's a course of your plagued state...stick it out, give it sometime and you'll be fine.

-What should my attitude towards him be?

Like Hades said, be indifferent. He needs to learn that nothing is ever set in stone, and some generic stereotype of a woman's feelings in this situation don't exactly apply.


-Revenge ideas (no srsly, he asked to be punished)

It's a thought. -shifty eyes- Thats completely up to you (trust me, you'd love my ideas, but eh, now is not the time.)


-Any other thoughts about appropriation of blame.

If the thought ever occurred to him that he was completely out of line and acted irrationally and furthermore comes to subject to being an 'ass' in the charade, blame can't exactly be pinned, but more as a preference a finger shan't be pointed. It's a tendency that "we do stupid shit because we love a person. Our actions are often unjustified...really what more is there to say. We live our lives with this unbridled dedication that goes so far as bring us to an all time high. A person can be the biggest jerk in the world and you can love them regardless. Something you learn to live with as apart of life. You live it."

The quote is from a family member of mine. Not exactly word for word, but the concept is crystal clear.


Extra complication:

Now that I am single, I got asked out on a date by this guy I met. If I hadn't had a boyfriend when I had met him, we'd probably have started dating to be honest (even though he's like 5 years older than me lol). But I don't really know what to do about that either.

Stop. Think about that for a moment. It's a completely independant decision, but my advice would be, if your hearts not in the place to do so, then don't. Really it could serve to put a flame to the fire.

I hope any of that served as a reprieve of any magnitude. Much <33333333 Moanie and hope it works out for the better.

~KenT~
 
Last edited:

Enchanted Rose

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Dee:I know, what you're saying makes such good sense. I WANT to act mature about this, but I have no idea how to move on. I know time helps, but I'm hurting so much now. It's just that 'cheating' is not only bad in the sense that someone else is with the person you love, but it undermines you so much as well. I feel so underminded and my self esteem is like............dead.

Hades: On/off meaning that in total we've broken up for about 3 days in the 7 months, hence me saying that our former break ups weren't serious. Thanks for the sympathy, it feels good to have someone share my low opinion of him.

KenT: I really do want to hear those evil ideas of yours. And I really liked your advice - you're so wise xD

Also I forgot to mention he was drunk when he did it, not that it matters apart from the fact he normally doesn't drink...omg loser.
 

Deeman

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Dee:I know, what you're saying makes such good sense. I WANT to act mature about this, but I have no idea how to move on. I know time helps, but I'm hurting so much now. It's just that 'cheating' is not only bad in the sense that someone else is with the person you love, but it undermines you so much as well. I feel so underminded and my self esteem is like............dead.
Well I'm sure you're a beautiful person with a bright attitude, so keep your spirits up there! I bet you feel cheated to dust, to filth, to nothingness, that none of you is existent. Well, that was extremely stupid on his part! But, if he was drunk while making his lousy mistake, maybe it was "unintentional" in some way? By unintentional, I mean he knew what he was doing, but only to some extent, being as he was drunk and his mind was a bit clouded and confused. As a result, he was careless. Being drunken, he didn't give a thought to what you would think of it, so he went ahead and did it.

Now, if he's a good guy like I hope he can be, he'll feel extremely apologetic and disgusted for what he's done. Keep an eye on him; if you notice he's hating his decision he made, then you might want to reconsider.

I dunno, I'm just jotting down my thoughts. I just want you to be happy. ='(

Again, he made a heartbreaking mistake. But the question is: are you willing to forgive it? Time is important here. Take your time to think it through. Be confident in your choice. I think you deserve someone who is willing to stay true to your relationship; though, your relationship with him was (or is) over, so maybe he thought you wouldn't care while kissing that girl. A misunderstanding maybe... Okay, I'm seriously making no sense. So, it's up to you whether you'll forgive him or not. Either way, you're going to have to get over what he did. Try to be cheerful; bring your spirits up in any way possible! <3
 

Vandread

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Well, love is a really tricky thing you know? It can make you so happy, but at the same time it make make you more miserable than you've ever been before. From what you've told me in the past, it seems to me that before you left for vacation, things didn't seem like they were going well. But in attempt to become potentially happier, things only got worse. Now you have to ask yourself whether or not your willing to go through so much sadness just to be happier. Or would you rather go back to what you know and try to make the best of it?

There are so many choices you have to make, and none of them will ever be easy. You have to carefully consider all of them and try to think ahead to different "what-if" scenarios. Not necessarily to a "Just as Planned" level of prediction, but enough to make important decisions.

Since I myself have never been in your position, I can't offer a whole lot of personal experience. All I can really do is be there for you and try to offer you advice the best I can; sorry. I just hope things will turn out for the better.
 

Vayne Mechanics

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He was drunk? Well then... that means...

He was so ****ed from the break up, he drank to the end of the world to ease his pain. However, when he was drunk, he became angrier than usual, so he did something stupid and kissed that girl. According to his friend, he wasn't even interested in that girl at all. It was done to spite you while he was drunk.

He still has something going for you.
 

Wehrmacht

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Hades: On/off meaning that in total we've broken up for about 3 days in the 7 months, hence me saying that our former break ups weren't serious. Thanks for the sympathy, it feels good to have someone share my low opinion of him.

You're very welcome. You guys are really the only people I have asides from my relatives, so I'm determined to give you all the support I can.

Also I forgot to mention he was drunk when he did it, not that it matters apart from the fact he normally doesn't drink...omg loser.

Oh. He was drunk. Well, people normally drink when they're in a state of deep melancholy, so it might mean something.
 

Zesty

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technically you were broken up so it wasnt cheating
but still it wasnt a cool thing to do

-How do I stop feeling so bad?
that depends
mainly keeping urself busy is good
or talking about the problem helps

]-Is it possible to ever get over perceived cheating?
yes
-What should my attitude towards him be?
figure out how u feel and then make a choice from there
-Revenge ideas (no srsly, he asked to be punished
)
o_O im sry i cant help with revenge
-Any other thoughts about appropriation of blame.
whats done is done
move on
 

Chris

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Aw, ER, is this what you were talking about online?


Well, here is my opinion. Talk. Yes, it's obvious, but explain to him...meh. Well, this one is very hard to explain. You said you broke up with him before vacation, but you didn't really break up? Try to rewind. Cause, well..if the reasons you broke up with him had to do with the things you told me more than they have to do with this, it could be time to just stop talking to him. But if you can honestly get him to talk about it and he is willing, it is up to you what to do. Cause if he was drunk, it obviously didn't mean as much as it seemed.

If hes being an ass, screw him. If you think this is one of your non serious break ups, try to work it out.


..I am horrible at advice. ;_;
 

Vandread

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Well from the sounds of her reaction, what with the hyperventilating and the gagging and such, I'd say this is more than some petty dispute.
 

Swag

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-How do I stop feeling so bad?

You won't because obviously you're still in love with him and, no matter how hard you might try, you never fall out of love with a person; you just move on. So, that is what I say. Try to work it out or move on, only two options.

-Is it possible to ever get over perceived cheating?

Well, cheating to you. You did break up with him, despite whether you really meant it or not, and then you left on holiday. He's a guy, pretty girls comes up to him, his girl just broke with him and is out of town, what do you think he's gonna do? People aren't perfect.

Other than that yes, it IS possible if you truly love the person.

-What should my attitude towards him be?

Your attitude towards him should be a a few different things. Yes, even though you did break up with him you do have to right to be mad, but maybe not furious. Yes, if you really love eachother you should try and work it out. Yes, should also realised that (contrary to popular female belief) you cannot say one thing but mean another. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't say you wanna break-up with him (and do it), but still wanna be with him and get mad when he kisses another girl. I hate it when females do that.

-Revenge ideas (no srsly, he asked to be punished)

Kiss a boy.

-Any other thoughts about appropriation of blame.

While he was wrong in his actions, you did kind of set yourself up for this by breaking-up with him and not meaning it. The blame for the drama/confusion is on both of you, and thus both of you must either try to work it out or agree to just leave it alone and go your seperate ways.
 

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He was drunk? Well then... that means...

He was so ****ed from the break up, he drank to the end of the world to ease his pain. However, when he was drunk, he became angrier than usual, so he did something stupid and kissed that girl. According to his friend, he wasn't even interested in that girl at all. It was done to spite you while he was drunk.

He still has something going for you.
Exactly right. Jay Chou hit the nail on the head.

More or less, he does care about you still, but made a lot of stupid moves. I would say get back together but warn him if he doesn't change after a while ( a month to two months), like with the over jealous stuff, etc., then everything's off.
 
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Charlie

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Naomi, now you KNOW that I'm going to throw in something here. Especially for you :

1st of all, I'm having a serious amount of nostalgia here because this is reminding me of a crash between two relationships that I've told you about recently. [But this isn't the point]


The advice that I'm going to give you is going to be immensely brief. I want to help you find a way to sort out your pain as fast as possible:

-If you love him with all of your heart and soul, and completely believe that you will stay with him regardless of absolutely ANYTHING that comes between you and him [Meaning set backs of perceptions of cheating, drinking, distance, changing of views, etc]-then by all means, TAKE him back.

-However, if you're getting this biting feeling that you're going to REGRET doing it and you're not going to feel completely satisfied when you're with him, then don't. If this is the case, then I will help you with everything that I have in me to move you out of this portion of your life the best way that I can.


-[I can't help but LOL at this one]: Alright, the boy was drunk then? I'm with Jay Chou on this one too, love. Usually, when one drinks {NAI NAI, YOU KNOW THAT YOU SHOULD LISTEN}-that their perceptions of what they want and feel become slurred over. Once this comes into play, they're prone to become emotional [Meaning: Angrier/More Depressed/Sensitive]-than they are normally. Finally, once you have a mix of | mind wreck + chaotic emotions |, you're going to get a result when they end up doing something scandalous, or something that DOESN'T make much sense.


<Point Blank>: He still CARES about you, woman. If this isn't more evident enough [ESPECIALLY considering the wreck of heart-wrenchings that have been laid down]- then you need to clear your mind to fully see what's been there in front of you;

A man who cares . & . Is willing to sacrifice everything to be with you .​



^But again, if you feel that you'd rather pursue this new person over him, then by all means do it.
Don't let ANYTHING come between YOU and what you want the MOST.


...Not even your emotions. Keep in mind that you always need to sort them out from time to time in order to understand what you're feeling more of a connection to in your life.



With that said, know that you're ALWAYS going to be loved, regardless of this.
I honestly hope that I've helped you, Naomi.

Love
Your die-hard friend/Mate in the UK! [Lmao <3],
~Kambria
 

Joe

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Let me attempt to break this down into segments so you don't need to strain yourself.


~I'm reluctant to post here, but I am distraught and I really need your advice and support in whatever form. I would rely on my real life friends, but they are naturally incredibly biased towards me, and mostly full of destructive advice i.e. trying to kill my ex boyfriend. Due to lack of computer I can't talk on IM like I usually would, so I have to post here. I'd love it if you could read and post, thanks.

I told you, I am and always will be here for you, Naomi.

The problem:
About 11 days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. I then got back from holiday yesterday only to find at first he was trying to shun me, telling me he never wanted to talk to me or see me again so that he could get over me. Then, he said that 3 days after we'd broken up he'd kissed one of his friends on a rebound. What made it worse is that it was on what would have been our anniversary, and we'd been together 7 months. I feel so betrayed, just because I was on holiday he did it behind my backs. And 3 days! How callous!

Quite understandable, truthfully yes.

It's unfair, but it happens.

I know for a fact how that is.

Why I feel like crap:
When he told me I started hyperventilating, then gagging in an attempt to stop myself from vomitting. My body wouldn't stop shaking, and to this moment, nearly 24 hours, my heart cannot stop pounding. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about it every 4 seconds and it feels like I am being stabbed repeatedly in my lower stomach. I have never been in this much pain. [/emo bit]

Only proved you loved him unconditionally, if he truthfully couldn't see it, that's his loss.

To me, that was like cheating. Because we hadn't officially broken up, or even said goodbye which would give the ok to move on. We've broken up 4 times previously so whenever we do break up, neither of us take it seriously. I don't like constantly being on and off, but it's my last resort to stop him from hurting me. I am seriously reminded of the Ross and Rachel The Morning After thing from Friends.

...no comment on this one.

Sorry.

Also, I know I'm up myself, but I just can't believe he did this to me. I never thought anyone would hurt me in this way - for me, it's the worst kind of thing someone can do in a relationship.

This I disagree on, but I'm getting what you're saying.

Just know that if someone can do that to you, then they don't deserve you.

My pain is intensified by the absolute hypocrisy of the situation, since he used to be forever suffocatingly jealous and paranoid. For example, this one time he saw me talking to some guys in a pub, and then I hugged one of my male friends and he threw a fit and cried all night about how painful it was. He would also wake up in cold sweats after having dreams that I had slept with someone else. The only remotely deceitful thing I did was pole dancing and giving out my phone number to this guy (more out of sympathy that he was randomly smitten with me, more than anything else). He did also insinuate that I was a slut, though that opinion was formulated by the way I dress and the friends I have. So basically he did what he feared the most: being unfaithful.

Love is complicated, that's for sure.

But there is a difference between love and attraction.

You are NOT a slut, you gave yourself to him in love, not like you two had just met and slept together.

Also, my now ex boyfriend recently randomly came out with all this shit such as that he "equated sex with marriage" (LOLOLOLOLZ. SRSLY NO) and he also asked me if he could propose to me. There was also the constant "I LOVE YOU" in every variety, "I never want to be with anyone else", "I see myself getting married to you" and more crap. In other words, I felt secure that he would never think of hurting me.

Evidently he has the idea that those words are empty.

When those particular things are said, they should be only be used when you actually mean them.

I saw him today and (obviously) asked him why he did it. This was his excuse:
"I wanted to make sure there was no chance that we would ever get back together so I could stop hurting you and vice versa. It was unconcious sabotage. I thought you were over me and wouldn't care". (Note, why would I be over him in 3 days...SRSLY! Also lol @ the unconcious sabotage bit). Despite his declaration that it meant nothing, he admitted he hadn't felt guilty. According to a friend he'd also described the girl he kissed as "too normal for him" and that she "bored the shit out of him".

Anyone ever hear of contradictory?

Predictably, he came out with "I LOVE YOU AND WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!!!! YOU ARE PERFECT AND THE BEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!" More insincerity, perhaps? And he also started to beg me to take him back, before saying himself he had no right to ask.

Your choice sweetheart, personally he hurt you so much I don't see how you could.

The point:

Despite everything, I love him and am in love with him, and have been ever since the beginning of the relationship. But I can't forget or forgive so easily.

If you didn't love him, then you wouldn't take the time to write about it or ask for help.

Does he even know how much you cared for him?

What do I do?

-How do I stop feeling so bad?
-Is it possible to ever get over perceived cheating?
-What should my attitude towards him be?
-Revenge ideas (no srsly, he asked to be punished)
-Any other thoughts about appropriation of blame.

-Get your mind off him, by doing things with friends. Or talking to me. :D
-Not completely, there is always a piece of your heart in that person, you just need to find someone or something to fill that piece of the puzzle.
-Be whatever makes you feel best, he deserves only as much, you can hate, despise, loathe, any form of anger, or you can just let them put him out of your mind.
-Nothing, if you don't want to get back together with him, don't give him that satisfaction, let the guilt build, I say.
-They both knew what they were doing, they weren't drunk, they weren't high, they were both conscious and awake. So in other words, their fault entirely, blame it on them.

Extra complication:

Now that I am single, I got asked out on a date by this guy I met. If I hadn't had a boyfriend when I had met him, we'd probably have started dating to be honest (even though he's like 5 years older than me lol). But I don't really know what to do about that either.

This is your choice, again.

Although five years is kind of a stretch in my opinion.

If you care for him and think it'll work, then go for it.

But again, it's all your choice.

Thanks for helping if you do.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm here for you, I've always been here for you, always will be here for you.

-----------

It's all you Naomi, it's always been your choice.

Take him back, only if you can and want him back with all that you are.

You deserve no less than unconditional love and happiness.

And you've got to recall the amount of times he's hurt you.

-----------

If you have the urge to cry, I'm here. I'll be your shoulder to cry on.

and

If you need to hit something, I'm here. I will be the sponge for your pain.

and

If you need help sleeping, I'm here. I will the spirit that watches over you.
 
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T

Tyler Durden

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Okay, I haven't really taken the time to read other people's posts, as they were a mile long; I did read yours though Naomi, so I will try to help.




First Off: If you two were on again off again, is there a particular reason for that, or did you just break up over stupid things? If it was for a reason, then I think that you ultimately made the right choice by ending it; maybe he realized this, and decided to make it so that you don't date him again by getting drunk and kissing some other girl.

Secondly: I think that taking the other guy up onhis offer would be a good way to get over this perceived cheating. Sure he's a rebound, but we all need those. WHat he doesn't know won't hurt him, as long as he has no pre conceived notions of you loving him already.

Third(ly?...): I think that now would be a good time to be with friends, and just be yourself and be around people that don' tmake you feel like this.




Hope that helps; and if not, you always have my AIM screen name.
 

Enchanted Rose

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Jay Chou said:
It was done to spite you while he was drunk.

Well if it truly was spite, it would make things a bit different. For starters, I’d actually feel more inclined to actually take some sort of revenge, even though it might be easier to forgive him, as spite is a fleeting feeling.

Key of Destiny said:
technically you were broken up so it wasnt cheating
but still it wasnt a cool thing to do

Yeah, I know it wasn’t cheating. After having had a while to think about it, I’m not really angry with him at all, as he technically wasn’t bound to me, but nonetheless I still feel upset about it.


Fatal Advent said:
If you think this is one of your non serious break ups, try to work it out.

Well it wasn’t in the first place, but then what happened it after made it so. Initially it was because I was highly offended that he kept insinuating that I was a slut and selfish compared to him , and the manner in which he just outright accused me instead of asking me. It could have been easily sorted by talking to be honest,. It’s just so hard to feel that someone you love so much has such a negative opinion.

You don’t suck at advice Chris.

D2L said:
While he was wrong in his actions, you did kind of set yourself up for this by breaking-up with him and not meaning it. The blame for the drama/confusion is on both of you, and thus both of you must either try to work it out or agree to just leave it alone and go your seperate ways.
I know. I blame myself quite a lot for what happened, so I know I have to come to terms with it in some kind of way, I’m just not sure how I can do it.

D2L said:
Kiss a boy.
Could do. I did agree to go out on a date with another guy, but I’m not sure how much that would help. It might make it even, but I don’t want to exacerbate the situation and I don’t think it would be that fulfilling. But oh well, we will see.

Buzz Lightyear said:
More or less, he does care about you still, but made a lot of stupid moves. I would say get back together but warn him if he doesn't change after a while ( a month to two months), like with the over jealous stuff, etc., then everything's off.

I know he still cares, but it’s whether I can get over this. It’s a risk really, as you never know whether someone will change, or whether you’re letting yourself in for more pain.

Beauxxx said:
-However, if you're getting this biting feeling that you're going to REGRET doing it and you're not going to feel completely satisfied when you're with him, then don't. If this is the case, then I will help you with everything that I have in me to move you out of this portion of your life the best way that I can.

Perhaps. The problem isn’t so much trust. I’m pretty sure he would never do anything like this again whilst I have some kind of hold over him, but it seriously unbalances the relationship. Once again, this is arrogant of me to say, but because he always loved me more than I loved him, it was more likely that I would be the one to hurt him. On the other hand, it gives me more power, because I will be able to use this against him, and he will feel worried about displeasing me.

Randomizer said:
Nothing, if you don't want to get back together with him, don't give him that satisfaction, let the guilt build, I say.

But you know Joe, when you do love someone, you can’t even stand to see them unhappy or feeling guilt. I feel worse for him than me – it’s easier to be upset with someone else, than being upset with yourself.

Dawning Kensei said:
Secondly: I think that taking the other guy up onhis offer would be a good way to get over this perceived cheating. Sure he's a rebound, but we all need those. WHat he doesn't know won't hurt him, as long as he has no pre conceived notions of you loving him already.
Okay, That’s kind of interesting and I never thought about it like that – rebounds can help? Well, I hope so ^-^


THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. All of your different thoughts about different aspects of this really helps me to think, and just feel better. When I was out with my friends I thought I was fine, but when I woke up this morning, I just felt really sad again. Fortunately the nausea has stopped though, and it’s getting better for me.

Thanks for the offers of being there for me to talk to :)
 

Vandread

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Well if it truly was spite, it would make things a bit different. For starters, I’d actually feel more inclined to actually take some sort of revenge, even though it might be easier to forgive him, as spite is a fleeting feeling.

As if taking more revenge will make anything better. Don't turn this into a pissing match Nay.

Could do. I did agree to go out on a date with another guy, but I’m not sure how much that would help. It might make it even, but I don’t want to exacerbate the situation and I don’t think it would be that fulfilling. But oh well, we will see.

Well, I'm not sure if that would help things. Though perhaps, it would.

I know he still cares, but it’s whether I can get over this. It’s a risk really, as you never know whether someone will change, or whether you’re letting yourself in for more pain.

Well, that's one of the many choices you will have to make. Just do your best to not have any regrets in the end.

Perhaps. The problem isn’t so much trust. I’m pretty sure he would never do anything like this again whilst I have some kind of hold over him, but it seriously unbalances the relationship. Once again, this is arrogant of me to say, but because he always loved me more than I loved him, it was more likely that I would be the one to hurt him. On the other hand, it gives me more power, because I will be able to use this against him, and he will feel worried about displeasing me.

I gotta say, I really didn't like how that came out. It just doesn't sound right.

Okay, That’s kind of interesting and I never thought about it like that – rebounds can help? Well, I hope so ^-^

I don't agree with that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't your boyfriend kissing that girl be considered a rebound? Look how well that turned out.

Thanks for the offers of being there for me to talk to :)

You know I'm always here for you Naomi. I'm certain that the same goes for most everyone here.
 
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