Black Lagoon Untitled (WARNING!!! MATURE CONTENT! NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN!)



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Mistearea

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No, I don't mean pornographic stuff, just a ton of violence. Anyways, this is the start of some side thing that I've decided to write. Enjoy and tell me what you think.




With fingers growing restless, a single woman of Chinese lineage takes a chance to peek around a corner. Her eyes quickly point out the locations of three men standing in the open but something tells her that there are two more hiding behind the crates on either sides of the alley. It's then that static fills her ear from the headpiece on her ear before the sound of a familiar voice takes its place. The man tells her that their contact is waiting in the bar and he's getting a litter restless. The woman just smiles as even she realizes what would happen if their client walks out of the deal. First they won't get paid and then they will start to lose jobs.

"Dutch, tell Rock to stall him. They're both Japanese so it might be a little easier for him."

Before the man on the other end of the line can say anything the woman leaps out from her cover and aims two guns at the crates. As anyone would do in this city, the three men fire fully automatic pistols, Glock 18s from the looks of things, at the woman only to hit the pavement. Their eyes scan the only possible location for the woman and see her just as the man in the center gets his face destroyed by the boots of the woman. But she doesn't give the other four time to react. Keeping her guns trained on the other four she quickly fires five rounds from each gun and watches as the men fall. He then aims both guns into the eyes of the man under her boots and fires once from each. With that she rises into a standing position and looks into the dumpster hiding a cowering man with a briefcase. The woman puts one of the guns to the man's head right between his eyes and extends her hand.

"Sorry, but I need that case."

The man lets go of the case as he tries to run for his life, but his fate has already been decided. The woman fires once into the back of the man only to walk towards him and empty the rest of her clip. On instinct she quickly replaces the now empty clip and walks back to the dumpster where her prize is being held. Just to make sure of things she opens the black leather container and scans over the papers held within. With a satisfied look on her face she slams the briefcase shut and pushes a button on the headset once more.

"Dutch, tell the client that I have the briefcase. I'll be over there shortly."
"Gotcha. And Revy? Balalaika just offered us a new job."
"What's that bitch want now? Let me guess, she wants the case too?"
The man on the other end lets out a small chuckle before he says, "You got it. Collect the payment and then kill the man."

The woman scoffs at her new orders and holsters both guns before walking out of the alley with her prize in tow. With a quick sweep of the area she walks over to the car waiting to pick her up with a Jewish man with blond hair and a Hawaiian shirt behind the wheel. The man starts the engine as the woman climbs into the front seat. He eyes the briefcase for a moment before offering the woman a cigarette and driving off towards one of the few bars that offer the ability to fight.

Revy climbs out of the car as it pulls up to the front of the bar and passes the bouncer. Why this place needs a bouncer is beyond her, but everyone knows not the mess with that man. He's only alive because of how good he is with a gun. But she ignores the man nonetheless and walks in to see Rock sitting at the bar wearing his usual shirt and tie, something that Revy will never really get used to. But he's not the man that she needs to pay attention to right now. Instead her eyes shift to the man sitting next to her partner. This one looking like a little child that just lost his mother in a hangout for the worst criminals. Not far from the truth for this place.

"Don't worry, Matsuri-san. She'll be here soon with your papers," says Rock in Japanese.

Revy sighs at this as she remembers how she hated it when Rock spoke in Japanese. She may know a little bit, but she's nothing compared to someone who was raised in Japan. But that's not the issue here. She slides into the seat next to their client with a casual wave towards her partner. She slides the briefcase in front of the man as the bartender puts a glass of whiskey on the counter for her. The man obviously learned from other bars what to do. So with that she takes a gulp of the amber liquid and tells the man to pay them as soon as he verifies the contents. With shaking hands the man opens the container and scans over the papers. With a satisfied gleam in his eyes he closes the case and places a second briefcase in its place.

"It's all of the money, Revy. He showed it to me earlier," says Rock as he tries to suppress a laugh.

Revy had to admit that it was funny to see just how stupid the man is. One of the rules of Roanpur was to never show the money for a job such as this until the job was complete. So what came next was no surprise to anynone that knew the woman. She lets out a hard laugh at the man walking away before she spins around with a gun aimed at the back of the man's head. Without a single thought she pulls the trigger and watches as the man falls to the ground and everyone gets on guard while the bouncer bursts in with his gun aimed at Revy. But the woman doesn't panic. Instead she holsters her gun and finishes off her drink in a single gulp. She takes out a bit of the money from the case and hands it to the bartender. What can she say? The place looks fancy and has good booze.

"For the cleaners and the drinks. Come on, Rock. Let's take the papers to Sis."
 
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Muramasa

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Nice, liking this story all ready. Especially Revy, the kind of woman who doesn't blink an eye when it comes to getting a job done. Just the kind of story I was looking for to read. I enjoyed reading this and look forward to your next update, Mistearea.
 

Mistearea

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If anyone is reading this thing, I'm trying to get a weekly update going on for Fridays. Thus, the new chapter.

A woman with long hair that many could describe as being golden eyes the documents laid out before her as smoke wafts from the cigar held in her mouth. She then looks to the two sitting before her and notices how Revy seems to have already made herself at home and is not looking all too pleased. But then her gaze shifts to the young man sitting next to her beloved "sister". She recalls all of a sudden the events that happened in Japan not that long ago, but that's ancient history to this woman. Instead she lets the sheet fall from her hand as she looks to the clock hanging from the wall not ten feet from them.

"I must say, Revy. I'm impressed that you got the documents as quickly as you did. Was it hard?"
The woman wearing the shorts that would make Daisy Duke herself blush just scoffs at the comment and says, "I was already on my way to the other guy when I got the order. Are you going to pay us or not?"

The woman known as Balalaika just smiles at the amusing woman sitting before her before raising a hand. The large man standing behind her, possibly another war veteran just like the woman sitting alone on the couch, puts yet another case on the table taking up the space between Revy and Balalaika. In one second the case sits open facing Revy and her partner showing off ten thousand American Dollars. Rebecca looks over the money sitting before her with a devilish grin plastered on her face. Even a demon like her knows that money can get you anything from something to eat all the way sex with some of the most desireable people in the world, so long as you knew who to go through. But those are not what Revy wants to do with the money. If she had it her way she would get plenty of liquor for her and the rest of Lagoon Company after getting some more guns. Either that or she would just stick it under her mattress with the rest of her money until she's forced to pay off damages to a bar. Again.

"Well it's been real nice workin' with ya, Sis, but I've gotta get back to base. Rock is going to have a long night ahead of him."

At this Rock just sighs because he knows what she's implying. Not only will he have to manage everyone's cut, but for some reason Revy has been dragging him into bed with her ever since they got back from Japan. But that's the least of his worries right now. He's going to have to figure out just how much Revy gave the owner of that bar and then subtract it from her cut. That wasn't going to make her happy at all. So right then and there he makes the choice to take it out of his own share just to protect his life, in more ways than one.

In the end he just rises to his feet and bows to the woman before grabbing the case for himself. He motions for Revy to finish up before making his way back towards the door, but he's stopped when Balalaika calls out for them to hold off for just a second. Rock turns to face the woman still sitting only to see one of the guys throw a gun towards him. He easily catches the weapon and looks it over. He sees that it's a .45 Smith and Wesson Revolver and tosses it back towards the man with a smile on his face.

"I don't like guns, remember?"
The woman just smiles and says, "You might start liking them more if what I've heard is true. There's a rumor going around that the Irish Mafia is moving in. And we all know how the Irish are."

With that small bits of laughter fill the room from the many occupants before falling silent. Rock just keeps his smile on his face and says that he'll manage without using a gun. At that point Revy goes to say something to the man but decides to hold her tongue for the moment. Instead she walks out of the room with Rock at her heels and puts a lit cigarette to her lips. She then offers one to the man walking behind her who takes it with a smile before fishing around in his pockets for his lighter. Revy grins at the pathetic sight of the man turns to face him. He just stares at her as she takes a single step towards him and holds the back of his head with her hand. He knows that the single hand has taken more lives than he could ever count, but that doesn't scare him. If anything, knowing this comforts him a little. It is because of this that he decides not to fight the woman from pulling his own head close enough for his forehead to touch hers. At that moment he feels a slight pressure on his lips and notices that she's letting him light his own cigarette with her own. He takes a breath through the filter of the object and hears the subtle sounds of the tobacco catching on fire and burning through some of the paper.

The woman pulls away with her face a little flustered and says, "Come on. I bet Benny is ready to kill us for making him wait so long."

The two walk out of the building and see armed guards on both sides of the entrance. The men pay the two no mind, but instead watch the man named Benny in the driver's seat of his new GTO attempting to headbang to some form of metal. Rock just laughs at the sight while Revy slaps her forehead with the palm of her hand before yelling for him to get his act together. The man jumps from the sudden appearance of the two and quickly fumbles around as he tries to cut off the music and get the car started. By the time that the engine roars to life the two riders slide into their seats in the back and lean back in an attempt to get comfortable.

"Once you get done fucking around, take us back to the base. I don't feel like going home tonight."
"Another busy night planned, I take it? Good luck, Rock," says the man with a knowing smile.

It takes an annoyed kick to the back of his head from Revy for the blond to get moving. He just laughs off the attack and keeps the music off as he pulls out of the entire area and into a portion of the town that looks like every criminal in the world would hang around to kill time, which is not far from the truth. Regardless of the danger the three drive through the streets until they stop at a building near the coast that stands out among the rest of the area. This building, newly refurbished from being completely destroyed, appears to gleam in the light of the nearly set sun sending out a sort of beacon saying where people can go in order to get dirty jobs done.

"Dutch has already gone home, so you two have the whole place to yourselves," calls a laughing Benny as he drives away.

Revy yells at the man while making a rude gesture involving her middle finger before Rock pulls her into the building. Almost instantly Revy falls onto the nearest couch while Rock sits down at the computer and starts to go through all of the expenses and the ending profit. For hours this continues as Rock attempts to first figure out just how many bullets Revy used, something he wishes that she would keep track of herself, and even everyone's percentages. At times like this even he jokes that he would be dead from all the math if he wasn't Japanese.

"Hey, Rock! Hurry it up over there. I'm bored as hell!"
Rock just smiles at the comment and says, "Hold on, I'm almost finished. Once I'm done, we can do as much as you want."

Revy has to admit, even she's tempted to remain quiet with a comment like that. But her brain is just too active at the moment to allow for something like that. Instead she gets to her feet and walks over to the man while dropping her guns onto the floor. Once she stands behind him she falls to her knees and wraps her arms around his shoulders. Even she can't explain why she's become like this whenever she's alone with Rock, but she knows that it always leads to something fun. And right now that fun is sounding better than just waiting. So with that she uses her right hand to slide herself into his pants and blows into his left ear gently.

Rock just smiles and says, "Alright, I can put the rest off for later."
 

Muramasa

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Rock is an interesting fellow. Doesn't like guns, that's fascinating. Feels like there's a story behind it and looks like he has a relationship with Revy.

Thanks for letting us know when you'll have updates, Mistearea. Looking forward to the next one.
 

Mistearea

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It's been a while, but I haven't forgotten this thing. Just running into issues in finding the time and inspiration to type. It's only a small update now and the next chapter is in the works. I'd wager about halfway done.

Balalaika stands in her spot of a small circle and looks from one person to the next. At first her gaze falls onto the new executive stationed there for the Itailian Mafia, someone who seems better than the previous guy they had, and then to the executive of the Triads. But these two are not the important ones right now. Instead they are all focused on the only American in the group. Balalaika instantly sees the training of a CIA Opperative in the way that he moves and speaks, but there's something that shows that he's become too corrupt to do anything stupid. But then again, you could never really be too sure in this type of life. That's why Balalaika has had some of her best people keep tabs on all communications leaving the man.

"So with that, I'd like to introduce someone to you all," finishes off the American.

He moves as if letting someone pass by him and extends a hand towards a collection of shadows. From there an old man with white hair combed back walks forward with two men in black suits and ties on either side of him. He just smiles the way that every kind grandfather would when greeting his grandchildren does and introduces himself as Kael Flannigan. Everyone in the group instantly know the man because of rumors that have been circulating the underground for the past three years. Rumors about a man named Kael saying that he was rising through the ranks of the Irish Mafia through methods that were underhanded, even for them. At this new development, Balalaika just smiles and acts as the first to greet the old man.

"Do you think that you'll be able to handle this heat, old man? I know how you Irish burn easily," says the woman a bit snidely.

The old man just laughs and says that he's spent most of his time in places worse than Roanapur in terms of heat and sun. For a second the two stare each other down until the woman smiles and extends her hand towards the old man. At this simple movement four men move to get a hand on their guns, but they won't need them. The old man takes the woman's hand with a smile and kisses the back of it once. The woman has to admit that this simple gesture took her by surprise. Normally this is not seen in their world unless it involves attempting to court a woman or in times of negotiations when manners are a must. Still, part of her likes the gesture of the old man. Afterall, it's a nice change from having half a dozen guns pointed at you.

"Here's to a properous future here, Miss," says the old man with a slightly more twisted smile.

With that the man raises to his full height of six feet and five inches before turning to the rest of the group. He instantly recognizes the man from the Italian Mafia through previous dealings and then turns to face the other people. He offers a nod of greeting towards the man from the Triads and then turns back towards the woman standing before him. His eyes scan her body from every possible angle only to notice that she seems to know more combat than any of the others in the room. He just smiles as he feels a lust long forgotten to his body reappear, but he suppresses the urge to take the woman now and instead turns to leave.

"Forgive my abrupt departure, but I'm still tired from the flight over here. I'm just an old man, you know."
 

Mistearea

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My grandma moved out so I have more time. Now to just get the inspiration part working. Well here's Chapter 4!

Rock stands uncomfortably at the opening to a makeshift shooting range with a Glock 18 in his hand. He slowly looks down at the woman setting up a target made to look like a human with the face of Dutch before he looks back to the gun in his hand. At that moment he thinks about how the woman was really persistant in getting him to learn how to shoot no matter how much he objected. As usual the argument ended with Revy the winner thanks to her own guns being put up against his temple. Who could say "no" to such a convincing argument?

"Oi, Rock! It's safe to shoot now!"

Rock snaps out of his trance-like state and looks at the source of the voice only to see that Revy is standing a little behind him. He looks down lane and sees the dummy with a picture of Dutch where the face should be. Even he has to admit that it's a little funny to be shooting at the man that gets them work, but there's no convincing Revy once she gets settled on an idea. With that in mind he sets the pistol to semi-automatic just as he was shown and holds it out with both hands. Before he can get a single shot off he hears Revy yelling at him for holding the gun all wrong. He simply sighs as he thinks that it's obvious he would hold it wrong, all he had to go in is movies and sights as he was fleeing for his life.

"Here, hold it like this. Make sure that your grip isn't strong, but don't make it too loose. If you do the recoil is going to send the gun slamming into your face. Same thing for your arms. Make them straight with as little bending of the elbows as possible."

As she explains each step of taking the proper posture, according to her anyways, Rock feels her pressing against his back as she makes his arms get into the right positions. Once she steps back and he lets his heart calm down a little he aims down the sights of the pistol attempting to hit the target in the head. He slowly pulls the trigger once and lets the recoil of the weapon get absorbed by his arms. Using this he fires two more times and is answered with the ping of metal hitting metal each time. As one would expect Revy yells at him again and tells him to aim for the body, not the head. She makes a note about how it's better to hit and be in doubt than the not hit at all. With that Rock lowers the gun just a small amount and aims at the center of the target's chest. He slowly empties the clip before letting it slide out. He quickly replaces the metal sleeve and continues to fire, slowly losing time between each shot.

"Alright, that's enough. You did good for a first-timer. I think you only missed three times."

Rock slides the fifth clip into the gun before he puts the safety on. He finally hands the gun back to the woman only to notice Dutch leaning against the stairs leading into the loft. The large man just smiles as he blows smoke from his lips and walks forward. He examines the dummy at the other end of the lane only to notice that the thing has his face. With that realization he glares at Revy who begins to laugh nervously before walking away. Dutch just sighs before he turns back to Rock.

"I've got a translating job for you, Rock. We have a client upstairs, but he only speaks Japanese."

"Another one? Make some noise in Japan and all of the country starts looking for work. It's getting to be pretty tiresome."

The large man laughs as he claps Rock on the shoulder and says, "But atleast they pay good money!"

The next thing he knows Rock is sitting next to the man and listens to the words being spoken in his native tongue. At that point Rock learns that the man represents a large company in the export of Japanese girls to some clients in other countries. If this was just a year earlier Rock would have openly objected about the exporting of Japanese children, but with the things that he's seen and heard, this is just another job to him now. So with that he quickly translates what the man was saying to the group and leans back. As he watches Dutch consider taking the job based on what the pay might be Rock takes a cigarette from the pack in the pocket of his crisp white shirt and offers one to the man. The man politely turns the offer down and says that he doesn't smoke. Rock just shrugs and lights his own before taking a deep breath.

"Ask him how man he wants us to carry," says the large black man.

Rock quickly translates the question and is give the answer of four girls and a handler. Once the leader of the group hears the number he considers the possibility even more before saying that things would get a little cramped on the boat if they kept the girls below deck. Rock just smiles and says that he could watch the girls as they possibly played on the deck. Dutch considers this possibility as he remembers how Rock performed when they had to transport the little girl that Balalaika was after some months ago. After several minutes of thinking the man with no hair nods and says that they'll do it if the pay is adequate enough. Rock quickly translates what his boss just said and listens to the response from the client.

"He says that the pay is ten thousand American Dollars per child. Makes me thinks there is something he's not telling us."

Revy just smiles and says, "Don't worry. I can always just kill whoever tries to stop us."

Dutch considers everything about this job and weighs the pros and cons together. He has to admit that the pay is impressive and Rock does seem to have a way with kids. After several minutes of contemplation he finally agrees to the job and asks the man where they are to pick up the girls. After Rock quickly translates this the man smiles with a relieved look on his face and says that the girls will be delivered to them tomorrow and the handler would have the destination with her. Dutch accepts the current arrangement and stands as he extends his hand towards their client. The man follows suit and shakes the hand of the large man before putting a briefcase on the table before him. The man says something that Rock translates as being half of the payment in advance while the other half would be given upon completion.
 

Nyangoro

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Sorry for the wait. I'm apparently really bad at not procrastinating.

Awkward Wording

With fingers growing restless, a single woman of Chinese lineage takes a chance to peek around a corner.
Their eyes scan the only possible location for the woman and see her just as the man in the center gets his face destroyed by the boots of the woman.
A woman with long hair that many could describe as being golden eyes the documents laid out before her as smoke wafts from the cigar held in her mouth.
It takes an annoyed kick to the back of his head from Revy for the blond to get moving.
Rock quickly translates the question and is give the answer of four girls and a handler.
Even considering the assumed typo in the fifth example, these lines all possess strange word choices. “Fingers growing restless” sounds odd, as though it's in a sort of limbo between calm hands and the stereotypical “finger tapping.” The second sentence packs too much in at once, using auxiliary words (“possible”) and constant switching of our attention (between nouns and pronouns) creates a hectic read. The fourth uses a peculiar modifier for “kick.” Kicks themselves aren't usually “annoyed,” it's the deliverer. Largely every instance of awkward wording in this piece comes from one of the three types that I brought up.

Typically speaking, when you write sentences, you want them to start concise, and then lengthen as it becomes necessary. Of course, this can vary depending on what you are trying to accomplish with the sentence, but that's usually how it goes. If a sentence doesn't start at it's most basic worth first, you'll get a lot of pointless additions that do little else than distract the reader.

Comma Usage/Run-On Sentences

Before the man on the other end of the line can say anything the woman leaps out from her cover and aims two guns at the crates.
By the time that the engine roars to life the two riders slide into their seats in the back and lean back in an attempt to get comfortable.
Regardless of the danger the three drive through the streets until they stop at a building near the coast that stands out among the rest of the area.
He slowly looks down at the woman setting up a target made to look like a human with the face of Dutch before he looks back to the gun in his hand.
He finally hands the gun back to the woman only to notice Dutch leaning against the stairs leading into the loft.
You use commas fine in some places, but other times it's like you forget them completely. Sometimes you forget to put them where they must go (such as after “roars to life” in the second example); while in others, it's simply a failure to use commas to break apart sentences for the sake of the reader.

For example, in the fourth example, I'd use commas like this:

“He slowly looks down at the woman, setting up a target made to look like a human with the face of a Dutch, before he looks back to the gun in his hand.”

It helps to segment information, so that your readers don't have to try and process everything at once.

Miscellaneous

That about does it for particularly frequent errors. But of course, those weren't the only ones.

It's then that static fills her ear from the headpiece on her ear before the sound of a familiar voice takes its place.
Using “ear” twice is just redundant. The extra specification wasn't necessary.

A woman with long hair that many could describe as being golden eyes the documents laid out before her as smoke wafts from the cigar held in her mouth.
This sentence doesn't need to be so complicated. Just saying that she has golden hair is more than ample here.

He offers a nod of greeting
You don't need the “of greeting” part. The reader can determine what it's for without having it spelled out.

Now, I recall you wanting my opinion on the authenticity of the characters. Given that Rock and Revy are the only ones who feature prominently at this point, I'll talk about them. Now, it's been quite a few years since I saw Black Lagoon, but I don't recall Revy being quite so enamored with Rock as she is here. Seems more like a piece that's simply emphasizing the pairing. This is fine and all (it is a fanfic), but I don't know if it really feels all that in-character for her.

Her dialog also feels pretty tame in comparison to the show, and it lacks the informal colloquialisms that I would expect to accompany her verbal abuse.

Rock is, well, kind of empty here. He doesn't have much of a personality, becoming more of a vessel for the reader to insert themselves into. For that matter, I found the fact that he handled a gun so early on a little off-putting. It feels like an affront to the character's problem with them in the first place.

Not much to say about the story, given that not a whole lot has really happened yet.

So yeah, most of the errors I had with this were sentence structure. You really need to work on striking a good balance between concise and detailed sentences. I would recommend loosening up the dialog as well. It feels restricted, like you are trying to play it safe. For characters like these, you really need to let it all out if you want to do them justice.
 
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